Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships: 13

[CharlotteCollinsislost]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
www.heart-2-heart.ca/women/page1.htm heart to heart]] a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Hey parapet, we're all doing what we can, don't beat yourself up. The important thing is to look after yourself, don't be worrying about us as well! Glad you'ave had a couple of good weekends, but guess it's kinda inevitable the the FW one comes along again at some point. Want to talk about it?

Leclerc, meant to say, about the icky texts and other things that make you boak. (love that word) What about taking a different perspective? Instead of them making you feel sick, maybe just nod and smile enigmatically at them, maybe even have a little chuckle to yourself. You know the door is closed for him. He doesn't. You have the upper hand for once. I think I mentioned this before, but I attended a confidence seminar that advised picturing a person who is evoking a reaction you don't feel comfortable with in a ridiculous get-up, like a clown-costume. Imagine him sending the texts dressed as a clown. Or something else. It's like the Harry Potter 'Riddikulus' spell. It might just help take the edge off them. Or is there another way to make you see them differently?

Imagine him on the loo! (I agree, it's a great word!) The thing which struck me reading his texts was his chummy-ness, as though nothing had happened and you two were muchly in love. FW does that, too, I'm sure (can't think of an example, but feels like him!) - pretends that all is well when it's not, so that I, being chronically afraid of conflict a peacemaker, go along with it. Like after I sent The Letter (thought of an example!), and he went into superdad-superhusband-superbloke mode; I being nice did not, of course, laugh at him and comment on the sudden change...

Right, time for some revision. I have been spending a very pleasant week pottering about as if I were a normal person in a normal life, not thinking (much) about FWery in all its guises. But now I have to remind myself of the worst aspects of my particular FW, so that I can say the right things to our pastor. That long-awaited meeting is tomorrow!

Ladies, can I ask a question. I'm putting together some shoeboxes as part of a local charity appeal here for xmas presents for Mums and kids escaping from DV. I'm doing a toiletries box for a Mum and a toy box for a kid.

I'm feeling really sad as I'm doing it and that what I'm offering is a bit shite. I keep trying to think what a Mum and kid who have escaped from DV would like for xmas, but I can't afford to buy brand new, so I've got lots of toiletry samples and travel bottles for a Mum, and some of DD's baby toys for a little one (she isn't yet 2 so most of it is quite babyish). I feel that my offerings are really inadequate . And I guess I feel a bit sad too as this could have been me a couple of months ago.

Has anybody here had to go via a charity when they left their FW? Am I on the right lines or missing the point completely?

It's almost as if he's rubbing your face in the fact that he has the kids right now and you don't.

I've just emailed NSDH. Probably shouldn't have. Oh dear... But this morning, after all that happened last night, he texted me saying 'I hope we can start talking more, I think about you and love you. I want to make you happy. I hope you decide to give me a chance, we can be happy together...'

What was it you said, Leclerc? I believe it was .

Thanks Leclerc, I guess it is empathy. Nobody should ever have to experience DV. Or EA of course. I just want to do more. I'm doing these shoeboxes and it keeps making me cry.

Nini, I think the only reason you think what you're offering is inadequate is because that's how you feel. And I agree with Leclerc, you are identifying with these women in your head, and thinking about how they'd feel and imagining if it had been you. That's a hard emotion to deal with right now.

I've not had experience of relying on charity help, but I've had lots of people give me second-hand stuff when I was struggling financially, which seems to have been always since I left DS1's dad (including clothes, both for DSs and for me, and items of furniture). I was always bowled over by people's generosity. Whatever you give will be received with gratitude, even more so if you're not flush yourself. You are doing a good thing, be proud of yourself for being able to think about others' misfortune in the midst of your awful situation.

Thanks Curtis. The cat saw me crying and has now come to offer me kitty cuddles like she always does when she sees me cry. She's far more adept at comforting me than NSDH has ever been

Bless. Can't beat some kitty cuddles. If only our FWs had half the empathy (or concern).

Indeed! If my NSDH was a cat we'd get along a lot better as he wouldn't be able to talk

Haha! I'm waving my magic wand for you Nini and saying 'shazam'. Is it working?

waits staring at NSDH in the bathroom

..........

I'll get back to you

Ok, I know it was probably a bad idea to email NSDH, basically saying all that I said above.

This is his reply, in its totality (apologies for length).

'Your continual negative attitude and outlook is clouding your perception of what is happening right now. Once again you choose to see things and read the negative into everything I say and do. You do not seem to realise that this situation is effecting more than just you and it is not all about you. I and others are finding the changes that I have made to be positive and make a real difference to everyday life. You choose not to even try and see this. It does seem like you are burying your head to the practical issues that effect everyday life too. I have asked for your help with the house and you choose to ignore it. You will not enter into any discussions about the children and their welfare. You refuse to even communicate with me at any constructive level. Whenever I try and communicate with you, you turn my attempts into this type of conversation. On Sunday, in basic terms I asked if we could communicate more(talking about less than one hour a week) and if you wanted the Christmas tree from the loft. No more and no less. You turned those basic questions into a bigger, larger, detrimental situation. You attacked me over the tree and still insist that even trying to communicate about some normal everyday issues is connected with the past and all of the negative things I did and that not accepting that made me a bad person who refuses to accept the past. My thinking is that if we spoke more that we would get a chance to start helping the situation but only on a basic talk about everyday stuff level. You are not ready for that, I am but if your not then we're not. I get that.
My progression with understanding how my mind works, deconstructing the negative and changing how I think and live, has been a success and will continue to change. I act and feel different about a lot of things. Saying this does not eliminate the past. I cannot allow what you are doing now to have a negative effect on the girls I hope you understand this. When I say this I am thinking about the girls and how to protect them from long term stress and hurt. The girls and I have to live our life, I hope you can be part of that but if you can't then I'm sure in time they will understand this. We will be getting on with living. The house will need cleared out and sorted and I plan on doing this before the turn of the year.
I hope you can open your mind and start to tune into what's really happening now. There are a lot of positives in our lives that we could build on but they can't be left to chance.'

I am at a loss.

This is the vital bit:

"My thinking is that if we spoke more that we would get a chance to start helping the situation but only on a basic talk about everyday stuff level. You are not ready for that, I am but if your not then we're not. I get that."

[italics added (can you tell I am an academic at heart?)

The rest is me, me,me. This bit is him doing what he should be doing, acknowledging that your opinion differs from him, but the acknowledgement is buried between a load of guilt tripping and self-justification that you can ignore. Nor do you have to justify yourself to him.

Bollock, italics fail.

Hi everyone. So sorry there are so many of us going through this shit but I'm really inspired to read about those of you who have left (even if the shit continues!)

How did you stick at it when FWs made it so difficult for you?

As I said previously when the accommodation ran out I had to go back :( well I suppose I didn't but I was too scared to do anything else even though we'd got through a week of it (sleeping on a mattress on the floor in a tiny room up three flights of tiny stairs so DS didn't fall out of the bed, having no access to food and drink while we were there, being stuck in the room as i was scared we'd bump into him, DD wanting her dad constantly, limited money and no one to talk to about things and nowhere else to go)

I still fucked it up, even after being in the housing offices for 8 hours with a double buggy, two screaming children and 3 suitcases of stuff as I couldn't see beyond the fact that there was no accommodation available and wasn't strong enough to see it through.

I need to be better organised next time and able to stand on my own two feet. So far I've managed to save a bit of money and better still all the tax credits are in my name now. I just need to get some courage, choose the right time and do it.

Have any of you successfully kicked your FW out of a rental property? If so, how? Both our names are on the tenancy and I paid the bond and am reluctant to lose £800 but will if I have to. I also can't afford to pay everything on my own but I'm hoping iI'll figure something out.

Today was filled with his usual vitriol (hope this doesn't seem self indulgent but I've been trying really hard to think of someone I could share this all with in RL but can't.

Yesterday DS had his surgery.

Really lucky to have had it done so early.

Made sure I told FW everything that had to be done/avoided today before I went to work and offered him to read the notes. He wasn't interested. Too busy on his computer 'working'.

Today I come home and of all the things to do he's giving him a bath!! The one thing they said categorically he shouldn't have for at least 48 hours and the wound must not get wet.

I''d mentioned it repeatedly yesterday and was pretty pissed off inside. I managed to keep a lid on it but - here's the best bit - he got really angry with me.

Started shouting and swearing at me telling me how much he hates me because I make his life a misery always telling him what he's doing wrong and that he doesn't match up (I didn't and don't say these things although I might think them!)

he started off with 'well its you who doesn't match up' and launched into a tirade of further abuse about how I'm fat (I'm actually not - I'm 35 weeks pregnant), disgusting, like an 80 year old granny (I have severe SPD since the baby's head engaged), then onto the lovely gems: he hates me, he's only with me because of the children, he has never wanted this baby and hopes that I die giving birth to it, I'm ugly, boring, stupid, jealous of his 'career', he doesn't fancy me, I'm a huge fat blob, mentally ill and . . . I'm an abusive partner.

All the while he was ranting this at me and holding my arms so I couldn't walk away he was telling ME to calm down.

This is what I find so completely bizarre. He goes off on one and throughout always tells me to chill out and calm down, even when I'm quiet as a mouse. Why?!

I told him I was annoyed he hadn't listened to me about the bath but again, he heard what he wanted to hear which was me saying 'you've ruined DS's face now' 'it's definitely going to scar' etc none of which I actually said.
Why do they do this?
He then kept on saying it was the medication that had given him memory loss which would be plausible if he ever fucking took the medication !

He then started on about how he was 'seriously considering leaving' and inside I was cheering. He went upstairs, got his coat etc but at the last minute said 'but I can't because you need me here because you can't cope on your own' :-(

He then proceeded to tell me that 'when he makes loads of money through his business he'll apply for custody and get the children nannies so that they can be brought up properly and he'll kick me to the ground'

So glad I've read the relationships board as everything he says is just the same as everything all the abusers say. He hates the fact that I get on with things and, in his words, he still wants to 'break me'.

How does everyone else handle these situations? Am I doing the wrong thing by staying silent apart from the odd word, listening to his rants and then just leaving the room? What should I do? However I respond riles him up.

TBH I don't get hurt by anything he says any more and know it isn't really true.its mostly when he acts like the DC are dispensable that it hurts me.

Does anyone have any tips on emotionally disengaging without him figuring out what you're doing? He's currently actin as if nothin has happened. Talking to me about his work (yawn!) and sending me info on it by email. never mind the fact that he told me he didn't want the baby and hoped I would die earlier!

Sorry it's long again, I haven't had anyone to share this all with except for keeping a diary so I can read it when I've/he's gone.

Gosh, it's rather long and ranty, isn't it? Here's an abbreviated version just to save you some time:

I've been a bit naughty, but I've changed completely in the week since you last saw FW behaviour and you must believe me and not your own eyes. You should be able to act as if nothing has happened when you're with me, and more than that, you should move back in to really test your acting skills. If you don't do as I say, it proves you're the bad one.

Hope you're at a loss in despair at his delusions, entitlement and efforts at control. And not because you're believing any of what he says. He's a FW!

Ponygirl - his email is so bizarre.

It sounds like he is trying so hard to appear to act rational that it doesn't at all. Agree with thesilverpussycat that it's all me, me, me. He sounds cold, contrived and emotionally disconnected. Like he is trying to control and win.
Not sure if/how my comments are helpful in any way but you must be amazingly strong to be dealing with this.

Sorry, Poche, x-posted. Rant away, girl (eep! Just realised the x-post looks as if it's criticising you - really really not, was referring to pony's fw's message ).

^How does everyone else handle these situations? Am I doing the wrong thing by staying silent apart from the odd word, listening to his rants and then just leaving the room? What should I do? However I respond riles him up^

repeat after me, you cannot win, you cannot make it better, there is no "better response" it will always be your fault and he is not going to change.

The only way is to keep your head down as you are doing and to make good solid plans to leave because you know that this is serious don't you? he's crossed a lot of boundaries there and I am actually scared for you/your children.

How soon can you go?, can you go via a refuge?If you want to stay in the house it is possible but you would have to call the police during/after one of his rants and get an occ order/non mol order (see the women's aid website above) and YOU would have to keep him out and be very strong, the police can't enforce an order if you have invited him back in. I am not sure I would trust myself in your situation.

Get out as soon as you can (and it's not often i actually say that to someone) he is winding up to hurting you and if he gets wind of your plans it will get more likely.

Above all things keep yourself and your DC safe.

Glad your DS has had the surgery he needed, but sorry to hear about the awful day you've had today. He came out with a lot of the FW gems, didn't he? It's like they read a manual on how to behave like a FW; they all sound so similar after a while.

Unfortunately, as you probably guessed or have seen from experience, there's no right way to respond. And I thought I was detaching quite well until my H accused me of being very cold with him. They notice.

Don't be too hard on yourself for not making the break last time. It sounds like the odds were stacked against you, and it definitely helps to plan. If you want to get FW out of the house, is there anyone who can be there with you when you ask him to leave? Do people irl know what's going on?

Poche many of the women on here have EA relationships that are bad bad bad but there is a level of actual and threatened violence in yours that suggests you need to move sooner rather than later, and his treatment of the DC also points to a different level of disengagement and entitlement.

can we help you to get away faster???

x-posted again. Ignore me - fool is the wise one!