Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships: 13

[CharlotteCollinsislost]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
www.heart-2-heart.ca/women/page1.htm heart to heart]] a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Good luck Lecriec

Maggie, if he's not there for the appointment, there's no reason why you shouldn't walk in and say you've come instead. He can swap over to your notes on his screen and record things there, if it's your concerns about how his behaviour is affecting you. And he can give you advice about what to do with your concerns about his medical/mental health issues.

Good luck, Leclerc - hope that goes well.

That's great Leclerc so glad it went well for you-things looking up!!

The docs appt isn't until 3pm. He has text me asking if I have cancelled it, I've not responded so hope he doesn't ring and cancel it. I want to discuss everything with the doctor but not sure how much detail to go into? What do you guys think? I don't want social services knocking on my door, just not ready for that type of involvement if you know what I mean. What do you reckon?

Glad it went so well Leclerc, I think it gives you a lot of confidence when you've got someone good like that behind you. The solicitor I saw is like that too! She's a bit scary sometimes but you feel glad she's on your side and not theirs!

Maggie, I don't know the answer. I know I've disclosed lots of stuff to health professionals (my midwife, my health visitor, the doctor when I went for anti-depressants), and I've never had an SS involvement as a result. But that's not to say that it can't happen. Why not just see how it goes, see what you feel comfortable with? You can always make another appointment and say more another time.

Would you feel comfortable lying to him and saying you've cancelled it? Or would you be worried that you'd get found out? (I could never lie straight out, was always too scared of being caught out.)

Just want to record this as well, before some of the details drift off.

So. Last night didn't got that well with the boys going to NSDH's for dinner. He wanted to discuss the email he'd sent, denied that I was feeling pressurised (!!!), and started the guilt trip about it being more than just me involved, he had to think of his daughters, etc, I needed to open up more, I needed to communicate more (I told him I did not need to do any of these things, which went down like the proverbial lead balloon). When I picked the boys up, there was more. We got onto talking about Christmas, he made a comment about getting a real tree this year because the girls would be here and it was a proper Christmas. I was outraged - so we weren't a proper Christmas last year, all because his girls weren't there? He tried to claim that's not what he meant, but I know it was because he's made similar comments before - we weren't allowed to do anything on DS1's birthday this year because the girls had to go home in the morning of his birthday so we had the special tea the night before. And because the girls wouldn't be around for the day of his birthday, we couldn't do anything.

Anywaaaaaaaay. He was talking about making it a nice Christmas for the girls, that's what he wanted to do. I said what about me last year, why couldn't he have tried to make it good for me last year, instead of spending the whole time yelling at me, pushing me about, screaming in my face, frightening me. And then - wait for it - he came back with: what about you, you were arguing too.

I was gobsmacked. So, despite all the emails he's sent apologising for being abusive, yadda yadda, when faced with it he can't do anything but put the blame back onto me. Apparently how he behaved was ok because at the time I was daring to argue back at him when faced with the barrage of his abuse. Fuck fuck fuckity fucker. Excuse me.

And even then, when faced with such FWittery from him, such obvious lack of change and lack of insight and empathy, when faced with him asking daring me to say if I didn't want to work on things at some point in the future, I couldn't say a final no, I could just mumble that I didn't know if I wanted to work on things.

Thanks Pony for the advice. Tbh, I'm the same-too scared to lie. Ill just play it by ear when I get there if he's not cancelled it, I've not seen this doctor before-he is new so guess first impressions will really count to whether I blurt it all out or clam up. Feel sick to my stomach going. This really is the last straw, not sure there is anything left to do but leave.

Sending you strength, Maggie. You can do it - you are a strong, strong woman. Let us know how it goes. (((hugs)))

Thanks Pony sick to my stomach has spread to my whole body now as I need to leave for the appointment

Sitting in waiting room at doctors and Rod Stewart starts blasting out Maggie May on the radio a sign???!

It's a sign!!!!! A sign that the universe is saying 'Go MaggieMay'!!!

Hope it went ok and you are feeling a bit less sick.

pony my DS is 5 on 4th Jan so not quite twins eh? Interesting what you said though...DS clearly adores his daddy and yet often acts as if he's scared of him. It seems really confusing....

Anyway....

I've just come back from emergency mediation meeting. She had asked for our financial outgoings to see if we could afford to rent a studio flat between us for the tue being (so that DS stays in the house and me and FW alternate when we're looking after him...basically so that me and FW don't have to look at each other). However we can't afford that. So we're stuck here

I also brought up a load of things that he's said (threats etc) which if course he completely denied or didn't remember. He said that the "kiss" text was a joke She managed to tell persuade him that he shouldn't be threatening me or saying anything to upset me or DS. She even said "you're not together anymore...you can't say things like that and then make up...so you'd best not say them at all".

Next week we are going to sort out the house and finances though....I am proposing to buy FW out of his share of the house as my family will lend me the substantial sum needed.

but wait for it...FW announced today that he might be able to buy me out of my share of the house. Now I'm quite surprised to hear this as before he'd said he couldn't afford it. Its also surprising considering his outgoings were obviously so high that mediator says we can't afford a studio flat....so I reckon he's been offered an enormous mortgage that he wouldn't be able to afford. I guess I'll have to hope that mediator points this out to him next week....

Am back! I sent FW a last chance text when waiting to go in saying I was there, please come to get help. He told me no-he was busy at work-a lie as he finishes for his afternoon break at 2pm. I went in anyway, the poor doctor, I was expecting to be more composed and discuss the issues calmly but just burst into tears and used all his tissues and it all came bursting out of me in a bit of a muddle really. He was really lovely and I think he got the idea, gave me lots of support numbers for domestic abuse/violence and also a mental health urgent helpline should FW get really bad with the suicide stuff but he said there really is nothing else I can do and FW needs to come and want to gain help himself. Was such a relief to tell someone in RL, others know the gist of what's going on but not the violence bit and how bad all the abuse has been. He was the first person in RL I've told. He told me to stay safe, get out of there when I can and start living for me and the kids not FW which is basically what I've been doing he then let me out of the back door so I didn't have to walk through the packed waiting room full of people with my swollen red tear stained face . When I got home FW was sitting on sofa watching sky sports news, eating a bag of chips and reading a newspaper, not a care in thd world he said he doesn't know what I want from him. I replied nothing (whilst thinking not anymore anyway-im done) xx

Well what amazing progress from you all today.

leClerc back up from your neighbour and solicitor a Rottweiller, bertie your mediator sounds like a sort of Rottweiller, and maggie you did it, and to find such understanding, even to letting you out the back. and for anyone that wants it.

I have settled household accounts with Ex - they balanced, his household (him and DD) against mine (me and DCat). But DD is the one who has lost out, she is loyal to him and claims not to mind - if we had done it my way, Ex would have given me money he owed me, and I would have given DD money I owed her.

As I am detached, I am almost admiring of the FWittery reported, in an appalled kind of way. leClerc your proposal sounds reasonable to me. He might try and extend the day, so hotel is a v good final offer, provided you stand firm if he hasn't booked one and then turns out to need one.

Well, TBH I don't think she was paying him for food Mar-Aug, though he was cooking for them both, so it probably all works out fair really.

DD and I are getting on fine, she has rung, and has popped over with her bloke. She has never lived away from home (is 21 and decided against uni) and I think it is time she broke away from at least one parent! DS(24) has a new job - we have a proper adult-adult relationship when we do talk, he's dropped by as well. I am going to have a lovely Christmas Day off, just me and DCat and some Sainsbury's Xmas Eve bargains. DS is coming to stay a few days after Xmas Day, and Ex and DD are going away for Christmas. Perfect, actually

Look at it this way - at least he is paying attention to them and maybe realising that there are lots of things to enjoy about them - which must be good from their pov (and his - if you can spare any compassion?) it's his own fault this has come about too late for you (leaving aside other FWiterry)

Hello all - I know I haven't posted for a couple of weeks or so - having a bit of a difficult time with some normal things (eg sick relatives; one possibly very serious, one just winter ailments and the other concerning but curable). Have also had a couple of good weekends doing normal stuff, as well as a crappy fw-ery one.

I've got a bit upset reading some of the up-dates and stories from new people - sorry that I can't be very supportive at the moment but I am trying to keep myself strong. Good to see that some people are making progress.

Leclerc - he's not being normal - he's trying to imagine what normal people do, and doing that. It's like one of those shows when aliens come to Earth and try to blend in, but just get it wrooooooooong.

And I think your proposal for him to come down early on the Sunday is entirely reasonable. Even if he comes down for lunchtime, and can take DS2 out for lunch and the afternoon or something (naps permitting). You are entirely within your rights to say you're not happy with DS2 being driven about for hours just to spend a couple of hours with him. If he can't do what works out best for DS2 then he'll need to just go a little longer without seeing him.

Betire, am cheering on your mediator - it's amazing the difference a good one can make. Fingers crossed she works her magic next time too.

Silver, your Christmas sounds lovely!!! [jealous]

And Maggie. Can I just say how fab you are. Well done for going through with it and talking to the doc. And how fab of him to let you out the back way. Do you know, that's suggested as a way of leaving a DA situation if your FW wont let you go anywhere by yourself, that you arrange with the doctor beforehand, go in to an appointment (assuming h stays in waiting room) and they take you out the back way.
I'm secretly quite glad you blurted it all out. I did, the first time I told anyone was my midwife and she was great, and I felt a huge relief. Hope he's being less FWitty tonight. all round.