Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships: 13

[CharlotteCollinsislost]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
www.heart-2-heart.ca/women/page1.htm heart to heart]] a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

...and, as suspected, here is said snipey email:

As I said the reason for asking you was based on a conversation with the girls. Your blank refusal to communicate is not helping the situation for all of us. I realise you are not ready but we are all involved in this. The kids need to know whats happening between us and where it is going. Its about information. I don't think it's healthy for them to be in this situation with you and not knowing what the future holds. A more secure and sound life is required for them, not on a part time basis.

I wouldn't be surprised at all if he was the one that initiated the conversation with the girls. And the little dig about me spending time with them (which they enjoy):
I don't think it's healthy for them to be in this situation with you and not knowing what the future holds.

Should I be communicating? I just don't know today. Am struggling. Maybe I should just tell him it's over. But I don't want to. I'm still clinging on to a bit of hope that isn't there.

Damn and blast it! There go the waterworks.

You're right. I find it hard to stand up to my mum and go against what she says, in the same way that I do with NSDH. But I do just want to be on my own tonight I think. Apart from anything, DS2 monkeyboy had me up half the night again, so I'm knackered and just want to climb into bed at about 9pm with a bar of choc, a glass of wine and iPlayer. (Actually, that sounds pretty good!!!!)

The more I read that email, the more upset and angry I'm getting.

Where's the apology for pressuring me repeatedly over the last two months? Where's the kind, repentant, soft attitude now? All gone because it's about him. My blank refusal to communicate? I've never said I don't want to communicate, just don't want to meet up. And I hardly think that's the most serious of our relationship problems. He says he realises I'm not ready, yet when I say I'm not ready, I get this kind of response, so my not being ready obviously doesn't matter one jot. And his sudden concern for the girls' health and security is all very well, but where has it been for the past couple of years while he's been verbally (and sometimes physically) abusing me in front of them?

He's an absolute shit and I'm in tears again. I'd better get those bootstraps out soon!

The last bit of (non) hope will probably disappear when you get out and realise it's better without him! As Leclerk found, from doing everything to save the situation to realising that the relationship is dead in the wwater in a coup,e of weeks.

take it at your pace. Be aware that what you are hanging on to MAY be the hope of what might have been, not what was.

It's a damn sight easier to give you advice on your problems than it is to sort my own out!

I will second that, lovely Leclerc!!!! I am full of sagely advice for others!!!!! I know you're not having a pop, of course. (and glad your DS2 slept through, perhaps he could come and have a conversation with my DS2...)

And you are damn right in what you say, all of it. He's always used his 'concern' for the girls to manipulate me (down to being as blatant as telling me if I don't do this or that then I obviously don't care about them).

I've been thinking just that, how long. I've been having an outloud imaginary conversation with him am officially a madwoman. Saying that we might not have been meeting up, but he's still communicating with me, and he's telling me lots of things about himself. How he's had six months to sort himself out, and things are still all about him, all about his needs, and he can still turn it round onto me in a heartbeat. How he's changed, yes, but it isn't enough, and I don't really think he'll even change enough for him to be good enough for me.

fool, I know that's exactly what I'm hanging onto. And I know things are better without him, a thousand times. But I just can't seem to make that final step. Arrrrrrgle. But anyway. Thanks for the pep talk ladies. Am going to go and put on my brave face and have lunch with my parents and stuff myself silly.

She sounds lovely, Leclerc, to spend all that time chatting to you. It's funny, these emotions - until recently, I didn't even realise I was upset. My counsellor says feelings are indicators - not something to rule us, but something to acknowledge. So you're feeling uncomfortable. That's ok. You're not used to hearing compliments. Give yourself time; it will probably change gradually. And you can't force yourself to show emotions, but you can think about how you're feeling, which lifts them a little closer to the surface. Probably! What do I know?! :o

Don't worry about being in a spin today leclerc. It will all process in its own good time.

Leclerc, me too about not accepting compliments well. Everyone keeps telling me how brave I am, etc, etc, and all I can think about is that I'm a sham because I let NSDH damage poor DS1 for as long as I did (never mind what he did to me), I could see it happening and for whatever reason at that time couldn't take the steps to leave.
But I agree with 'your' lady that are very insightful. Very very. And maybe having spent so long with your FW is part of it - you've become very good at quickly reading emotions on others, it's a survival tactic in the situation so you can react in the best way to keep yourself safe. I think we are naturally empathetic people anyway, and I think dealing with a FW and his mood swings and all makes us more tuned in to others.

What Charlotte says. It's what I was trying (not very well) to say to Nini yesterday, that she was feeling down and like not being around her FW, but to listen to that. See where it takes you. Feelings are not bad things, they are not good things, they just are. (I think I am genuinely rambling now, seem to have gone all zen and meditative...)

Good that she's going to give you support weekly though, that's really valuable. You do need to focus on yourself as well as the dcs. You can't be continually steady for them if underneath everything is rocky.

nini I hope you're ok after that sham of a counselling session...thinking of you x

leclerc the lady from the program does sound really supportive...I guess if anyone is going to understand it will be her eh?

pony I actually can't believe it's 6 months since you got out... You mentioned that you thought DS1 had been adversely affected by everything. Can I ask how? Do you mind saying? It's just that I'm worried about my DS and I know yours is a little older. He's 6 isn't he? Mine will be 5 in January....

On the home front here...there's been no mention of the "how about a kiss" text. I didn't reply. It feels like Ive been threatened with an unwanted sexual advance. its like its some sort of harassment...does that make sense?

We have our "emergency" mediation session tomorrow to try and sort out our living arrangements. I have no idea what's going to happen. Last week he was threatening me and yesterday he wanted to kiss me. I hope super mediator lady can make sense of it all...

Hi everyone, will catch up with the posts properly later, sorry for neglecting, just had a quick glance and happy birthday to your DS Pony stay strong and hugs x

Have had a real meltdown today and just feel like I'm in a black hole. The weekend and last few days have been very odd. FW didnt really go out and do his 3am hometime trick as normal, just stayed in and picked on me a little bit instead. Yesterday he was off work, we went to visit potential school for DD, he was on his best behaviour, then in the avo he looked after the kids whilst I went and got all the christmas cards needed (had to buy on my already nearly full credit card as he wouldn't give me no money) Whilst I had freedom for a few hours I went into the council offices to ask about housing benefit etc. This is the only way I will be able to escape and pay for housing until I can get back on my feet and get a job again. It just seemed so complicated and I felt completely lost, I've never claimed any benefits before as worked since I was 16 years old so have no clue. They told me I had to go somewhere else to talk about income support/tax credits etc. Basically, I have to get a new home and have paid deposit/rent/fees etc before I can even start claiming for anything. Easier said than done when penniless and £7K in debt Is it so complicated or just me being stupid and not getting the whole system?

Didnt sleep a wink last night on my shit sofa so this morning I was like a zombie. FW was quite reasonable and told me to go up to bed and catch up on sleep as he didnt start work until 2pm. He then did some of the ironing whilst I was asleep Still felt so drained and unwell when I woke up though. Off he went to work. My DD is suppose to go to swimming lessons this avo and to be honest I just couldnt face taking her and coping with DS (who always makes such a scene there) so we have stayed in and done painting/drawing instead - what do you know - who "pops home to collect something for work" FW (he works 10mins from home) Blanantly checking up on me to see if I took them swimming - he didn't shout but just looked at me in disgust and basically told me how I'm a really bad bad bad mum, waste of space, stealing his money again by wasting a swimming lesson etc etc etc. God knows what Im in for when he gets home from work later tonight, as hes given the kids "such a lovely time" the last 4 days or so and apprantely I don't do nothing for them/with them. DD (who was fine about not going swimming today) picked up on his sly FWierty to me and when he had gone back to work told me that daddy will probably go out with his friends tonight won't he. Also earlier told me that she thinks daddy is grumpy as he doesn't love her or DS - this brought me to tears and I had to reassure her etc etc

BTW - He has told me he is not going to the doctors appointment I made for him tomorrow - apprantely if I can't make the effort which should he I just feel like a wreak at the moment and look like one too. Feel so grinded down and trapped. Got his Dad, stepmum and grandparents coming to stay in town this coming weekend too. That will be horrendous. Need to pick myself out of this hole before they arrive as don't want them talking about what a wreak I am. They were next on my plan to drop hints to about FW behaviour. My plan that feels like is going no where fast. Sorry for rant everyone, just feeling so rubbish/low today and that everything FW says about me is right

PS-he has recently been listening to his Anger Management CD (which I bought for him about 5 years ago) it tells him to "remove himself from the subject of his anger" this has now become his favourite statement when leaving the room/leaving the house etc. When DD asks what this means he tells her to ask mummy as mummy is the 'subject'

Aaw maggie hugs!

He was obviously looking out for an excuse not to go to his dr's apptment - and it's not remotely even an excuse.

Bet he graduated from FW training with honours, Maggie - he's just so good at it! Grinds you down, then uses your weary hopelessness (which is a totally reasonable response) as an excuse for further FWery.

I don't have any advice, I'm afraid, except I wonder if Women's Aid could help you? They're the experts in making the break from financially abusive FWs, against all odds! Are you still thinking of moving nearer to your dm? Could you camp out with her for a while? Not sure that helps, though, except to give you headspace to think more clearly!

Bertie - DS1 will be 7 in January!! (14th, are they birthday twins??) In terms of how he's been affected - there were specific things that were easy to see in the house. He was obviously afraid of NSDH in some situations, if he did anything 'wrong' (like drop his knife on the floor...) he would say in a panic ^please don't tell NSDH, he'll shout at me'. He worshipped NSDH, but was perfectly aware that he had a temper and could be scary, and adjusted his behaviour accordingly, as we all do in that situation. More mundane things knocked his confidence generally I think - he got told off for stupid, silly, pointless stuff a lot (like leaving rubber rubbing outs on the table, yawning without covering his mouth) and I think it's made him a little anxious. He was always quite a sensitive boy anyway, his lip would wobble if he got into even a bit of trouble, but I think because he wasn't allowed to let that out (or else he got called a baby and a spoiled brat) it's coming out now in other ways - he's jumping at shadows frightened of stuff in the house at night (but then sometimes fine, so it seems he can call it up), he gets very upset at the slightest perceived thing he's done wrong (again it sometimes seems a bit put on).

But although when we were in the house I could see how down-trodden he was getting, down on himself and losing confidence, I could also see the rush of freedom in him when we left and he was able to run around the house without being told off, able to mess about at the dinner table and be told off without being yelled at and frightened, able to be free-er to be himself, to be a normal six-year-old boy. I saw it most in his interactions with DS2 - NSDH wouldn't let him hold him at all, it was the subject of many an argument. Even now, he still asks if it's ok if he holds him (although now he's really too big to sit still on his knee for a cuddle!).

Sorry, epic post!!!!

NSDH wouldn't let him hold his little brother?!

Maggie, I know it seems daunting about housing benefit, but they should still be able to give you an idea as to whether you'd be eligible. My council has an online assessment form. It's been pretty complicated for me - like you, never claimed benefits before, but I'm self-employed and that's perhaps why.

However, that doesn't help with the initial outlay, which really is daunting if you're renting through an agency - maybe Women's Aid could give you advice on that?

Nothing he says about you is right. Remember, he's the one with a horrible skewed approach, which is why your lovely DD says things like that and you have to reassure her that he loves her. You wouldn't have to do that with a normal man and a DD of her age. he's the one who is effing up.

Charlotte - no.

We had many a big argument about that. My mum brought DS1 up to see me and DS2 in hospital, and put DS2 on DS1's knee and took a picture (it's a lovely one). I got torn to shreds for that when we got out, and told on no uncertain terms that he wasn't to hold him - it was a health and safety issue, apparently. We went to a family christening when DS2 was about 3 or 4 months olf and my mum put DS2 on my niece's lap for a cuddle and he told me to tell my mum to take him off. I was just mortified and so upset (but did it! can't believe I didn't just tell him to eff off), mum was nearly in tears at being told this (she knew he was being an arse to me).

But it was ok if he decided DS1 could hold DS2. Just not if I decided.

Yeah, funny thing about health and safety issues, they disappear in the presence of an almighty fw.

Thanks ladies, just feeling so much under pressure this last week he came in from work at 10pm ish and went absolutely mental within 2mins of arriving, shouting really loud, throwing stuff around, hitting the kitchen counter - all over DD xmas play tickets - she is only allowed 2 tickets so I have asked for 1 ticket for each day (she has to do it 2 days) so she will have one of us there on both days - she is very very shy and I know she would need that support. He went crazy and I just don't understand why? Because we won't be going together and be a "couple" to the outside world? I have no clue - its making me ill, am like a zombie and just getting worse. I got called all the names under the sun including erratic and then he stormed off upstairs to bed with a cup of tea telling me I am lucky im not wearing the cup of tea on me. I am wondering if I can use his doctors appointment for myself tomorrow (even though under his name) to discuss whats going on with him, my concerns etc and get it on record. Does anyone know if there is any protocol around that sort of thing? (discussing patients in their absence) The more I look into it the more I really think he has some sort of disorder like Bipolar

So sorry for not being very supportive to others recently. Hope you are all ok xx