Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships: 13

[CharlotteCollinsislost]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
www.heart-2-heart.ca/women/page1.htm heart to heart]] a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

My situation is nothing like anyone's on here. It's all fucking shit and I wish I had never met my husband. Why do other people's deficiencies affect my life and why am I not allowed one like you were at my age????

Hi nicky...well the children thing is maybe different but your partners behaviours seem just exactly the same as most of the FWs and NSDH (f^*kwits and not so dear husbands) that we have the misfortune to be with (or have left)

Can we help? do you want to share? We have many different situations and are all partway through our stories so you will fit right in I think.

Agh, it's just so frustrating. I want to cry, have had wine and gin soprobably not the best time to download my issues but I hate myself and I wish it would all just go away.

Thank you for replying though, it means so much to me. I will be back tomorrow with more rational views on my fucked up life.

rational is good for advice but occasionally it's ok to have a rant. I am out of my abusive relationship but I still remember the state I was in before I left when the truth was just dawning on me.

just wanted to thank those of you who posted about links and books re: divorce and christianity..been struggling with upcoming decree nisi and the whole forgiveness thing, but ordered Barbara Robinson book, looks great for me.
am still having odd wobble, but is only very occasional and short lived, have given up playing happy Saturday families and am building my own strength and support.wishing you all good nights and peaceful dreams...

Ohhh Trying am for you ((hugs)) think I am going to have the same issues though with trying to find somewhere too. Feel truly trapped. Going to try and visit estate agents on monday and get their view on it all.

Just can't believe how much my life has changed in the last 13 years I have been with FW, especially the last 3 years since having my DC. Today me and DC were doing silly dancing having fun etc and FW went mental shouting etc. DD had tried to get him to join in with the dancing and wanted to dance with him but he went mad saying her nasty mother (me) would just mock him so he isn't doing it. I felt so bad for DD, another rejection from him to her, I just grabbed her and spun her around to make her laugh and she was ok but I could see she was hurt. I hate HATE him so much. I have always said to him that its our row not the kids and they should always come first. Not by him though. Sometimes I wonder if he is jealous of them-jealous of a 3 year old and 18 month old-how pathetic hey?

Hi guys,

Sorry not been here and thanks for peeps checking I was ok. He came down with man flu or food poisoning thurs, not sure which. I have been trying to ame care of my dcs and house an him.
I drove over to see my mum but not allowed in the house because my dbro lives there and he and fw fell out. Not sure who he hasn't fallen out with! So m poor mum ha to hobble to the ca on two sticks in he dressing gown to say hello to dcs who of course want out of the car.
I the went to see his dads that was arranged and very uncomfortable as he wanted to know why we don't visi more. I just said not m place to say but u shod speak to fw about it, there's history.
When we went to relate counsellor more or less said fw needs to sort out issues with his dad, child of divorce etc as that was poisoning his relationships. He said what nonsense.
Agree it's v confusing when they start actin all nice again. Says will drive me to mums next week if he is well. Did some housework today. Really confusing. I know I will let him in again and then he will turn and say something dreadful.
Told our closest friend I felt like leaving last week. Was wondering if fw Ill to explain his behaviour!
Have hardly slept feeli bit nutty and now cant sleep.
He told me off today when I was in the midst of getting kids ready for trip out and cleaning etc for swearing but so knackered.
How do I change my name! There are things I want to say but he's such a whizz on the computer I think he will find them.
He also found my copy of should you stay or go and then said how would u like to be single now when I was complaining how wiped out I was.
It's the little things that wear. It's all so confusing.

Oh Hilde just seen your post re your DS stay strong xx my DD just to suffer horrendous night terrors and tantrums. Is so hard when they kick off-quite scary at times. Take care ((hugs))

trying, so sorry to hear that flat has fallen through. That's so frustrating, and can completely understand you feeling flattened by this news. But you will find something. Check on Gumtree. Or, if it comes to it, contact Women's Aid and see if there are going to be any spaces coming up in a refuge. That will at least get you out, and give you breathing space.

bertie, I've got SISOSIG, although would need to reread the bit on personality disorder. Will be rereading it soon anyway, am going through everything again! Anything you want to share?

Charlotte - . It's going into their subconscious somewhere, it must be!!!

Bibi - that's so strange... but also strangely karmic, as you say. Any idea why that's happened?

Oh hilde, you sound drained. Hope you are feeling better now. It's always harder when you see the kids affected (or even if it's not because of anything FW has done, just his age, but it's still exhausting).

Maggie - I think you have hit the nail on the head. I think a lot of FWs are jealous of how their own kids take up space in their partner's heads, and feel threatened by them getting attention when they think your attention should be on them.

Ginga, you sound exhausted. Take care of yourself, try hard to detach from him, even if he's nice again does it really make up for all the times he's been awful?

nicky and dippy - sending you both strength.

I've just had frustrating phonecall with NSDH. First thing: he texted about an issue and said 'phone me as soon as you can'. I complied without thinking. Argh!!!! this is the issue: the leader of DS1's sports class (who didn't turn up for the class this week), called up the house (ie spoke to NSDH, not me) this eve to apologise, at 9.20pm. A bit late, yes, but not the end of the world. But NSDH said it was completely inapporpriate (and told the bloke so) and was suggesting that 'there was something more to it' and talking about making a complaint to the company for the late call. Grrrrr. So much wrong with that. I got a bit irate with him, he then cut the phonecall short after trying to justify it all to me (but me still saying I didn't believe that his motive was anything other than 'there's something going on'). Gibber.

and to you all.

Ginga - what a charming man he sounds. NOT. Grade A fw. Of course the answer to his question about being single is that it would be no harder (how much help is he, realistically?) and most likely quite a bit easier (none of his fw-ery to deal with and plenty more free headspace).

WA have some good tips about staying safe online. As for changing your name, find MyMumsnet at the top of the screen and you can change your nickname somewhere on there.

Hope you get a better night tonight.

I've called WA! And was very good to talk and they reassured me that yes, he is abusive and what's more his style of abuse is very insidious - in other words, it's subtle and hard to put your finger on, but it's there all right!

He has sent a couple of messages worrying about security in his job; the latest said he saw two possibilities - I go back to work, or we move overseas. It's probably highly unreasonable of me to take this as a threat, but I'm taking it as one regardless. :o Even if it isn't, it's another one of those restricted choices that means he can say I make all the decisions round here. Yeah, right. "Hey, wifey, rock or a hard place? You choose!"

Charlotte, am so glad you called WA - see!!!! We were right!

I'd be very suspicious about what he's saying right now about jobs. It's all about control. He's the one setting down the choices, and they are all about suiting him. My NSDH told me I wasn't bringing enough money into the house (I am part-time self-employed, very low income but around for the kids, but he knew this when he married me but then acted all 'surprised' at how little income I had and what a worry this was, yadda yadda). If I couldn't earn more, then I'd either have to go back to work full time, or we would sell up and move away from my hometown and move house close to his work (to reduce his petrol costs), or else he would go part-time so I could work full time. Those were really my choices. No discussion. Win for him (more money) lose for me. I felt oppressed and scared by them.

I'd wonder if he actually wants to move overseas (he'd then be isolating you more and have more control), and wants to present it as the better option so it seems like your own choice. You are right to take them as a threat, because they are.

:o Yup, you were! And the woman on the phone was right, too - I knew it already. I feel I've accomplished a stage in the process: gaining clarity, and now I just have to hold on to that (it's a slippery bastard!) while entering the next stage: gathering support for when the time comes to go. So so hope this house I'm going to see turns out to be the one. The location's perfect, and though it's small (3 bedrooms for the 5 of us - the dcs had only just got a room each with the move in August), it looks lovely from the outside. And right in the heart of the community that's most like home for us at the moment.

That's how to do it Charlotte, one step at a time. It does take time to take it all in, then decide what to do, then actually make that move. You're on the path now. It's a long process, it's not easy, otherwise everyone in an EA relationship would just up & leave! You're doing great.
I think even if the house is a bit smaller than your current house, I think being in an area you're happy in is a good idea. We're in a flat, with no garden, and up a couple of flights of stairs (which isn't ideal with an increasingly heavy baby!), but we're happy here, it's a lovely flat and perfect for us area-wise.

Yesterday was my anniversary: six months since I left.

reading some posts above i know what you're all going thru ...its very exausting and intense / emotional all the EA stuff.

just to let anyone know who helping me out a week or so ago, that the current storm has passed, for the moment anyway!

everythings happening fast now; a move on immediate horizon, a house and garden! yay ( on top of own issues am in social housing ive had the nbrs crap/drama to listen to as well..the woman below us who is pure evil , has caused us so many problems,and seeks to destroy the lives of people around her because she's miserable, i wont miss her at all )

as with alot of you guys im just starting the feel i escaped a situation on the brink of it esacalating to another level of EA ..am just starting to read a book on it and its just hitting me what i went thru with my ex for 4 years...putting words to it helps.

for anyone else out there trying to get the courage to get out its worth weathering the storm to get to the other side.it could kick off again but for now i think FW has run out of threats, and harrassing calls.texts. etc every day have stopped, im hoping he will move on now as he says he's doing.

good luck

Hi all,

Sorry for all the sadness and crap everyone's going through. It's TGIM tomorrow , how sad eh!

Thanks for support and sympathy re flat I know I will find another but I feel like I failed. But they wanted six months upfront plus deposit - changed the goal posts. I can't go into dangerous debt to do that, so I had to pull out. It's hard to find time to call WA as I work till kids finish school basically but will do my utmost to stick them in front of film and escape upstairs to call. The being reasonable period on fw's part has quickly passed of course and he is being a knobbing dickhead and quite frankly thereby doing me a favour, the pillocking prat (sorry, can you tell I'm annoyed?!)

and to all.

Sorry to hear that trying, although it IS useful, isn't it? I found myself hoping today that, when I go, he behaves like a true fw so that I know I've done the right thing!

Absolutely, hilde, gold stars for everyone. See, you're all clever, and wonderful, as well as being kind and thoughtful people - no matter what several irrelevant people have told you...

Evening all so FW came in last night at 230am pie eyed. This morning woke up saying he would love to spend time with kids all day so I agreed. He said he was taking them to do some xmas shopping and off they went. So he returns a few hours later-DD tells me they didn't go to the shops they went to a restaurant for drinks only (aka a pub) and met daddys friend and his little girl. EPIC. FW then-5mins after bringing kids home-announces he is just nipping out for an hour and promises DD who understands exactly what is going on that he will defo be home before she goes to bed. Guess what? He's not home yet. If he had stuck to his word-nipping for an hour, he would have been home at 4pm. He sent a text at 7pm ish saying please keep DC up as he will only be half an hour. I ignored and put my lovely little DC to bed where they are now happily snoozing away. He has now recently phoned me (still in pub) asking if I'd like a takeaway and acting if nothings wrong. He is deranged. I just don't know how to handle this situation I keep finding myself and the kids in time after time until I can leave. Is making me physically ill with the stress of it all.

Hope you are all doing ok tonight ((hugs))

Hi Maggie so sorry to hear that . It does seem like he's deluding himself as only an addicted person can. And you are suffering the fall out not only from your own perspective but also by having to shield your dcs and see their disappointment. You are sounding progressively stronger in your posts, if that's a little ray of hope ? And thank goodness your dcs have such a lovely mum! Good luck with your planning. Let's hope the new year sees you and me both out in the happy world and away from our miserable fws!

Defo trying new year, new start for us hopefully oh Hilde sorry to hear about DS again, I was there with DD nearly every night for about 9 months and it was hell. We used to think it was night terrors but half the time it was her playing up to it. They just try and push boundaries I think and sometimes their little minds try and process everything that's gone on recently they just have a meltdown. My DDs bed/sleeping/tantrum probs started after my DS was born and he was in and out of hospital-her routine changed because of DS probs, she became very withdrawn and then nightime probs started up-more anger than upset tears from her. Of course FW had no clue how to handle it, even telling me to throw water over her-wtf?!! I worked hard to get her re-settled and in her routine and the night probs stopped, although I still have to sit with her next to her bed for about 20mins at bedtime but we are getting there. Both DC are very close and clingy to me which can be really hard work at times!

So FW is home now totally drunk out of his head. He started crying when he got in and telling me he needed help and he loved me and then swapping to throwing insults at me, then back to crying saying he should just kill himself. Oh my god. He's now in bed asleep. I just really don't know what to do with him or how to handle this situation. In the morning when he's sober he won't want to get help then and it will be back to denial. Does anyone have any experience with how to help someone with an addiction? Even just to point him in the right direction so I know I've done everything I can. If-sorry I mean when I leave I don't want it on my head that he's done something stupid if you know what I mean. Sorry I can't remember who it was that had an non FW ex-hubby that had a drinking prob Pony I think it may have been you????! Sorry if not!

I feel stronger some days but at the moment with the way things are its like two steps forward, ten steps back

Well done, hilde, for not letting him see how's he's getting to you. DS (who is 5) plays up just for fun sometimes, too, and it's infuriating. Last year a few times I had to walk out of his bedroom without doing the whole bedtime routine because I was getting too annoyed - actually, that worked well, because he'd bounce on his bed for a few minutes while I was with another dc, then get upset and call me back and be fine. You're absolutely right about having to be the adult.

That house I was interested in - it's not available for anyone with children. It's fully furnished - I thought that might be useful because then we don't have to have the conversation yet about who has what, but I may have to look for unfurnished instead and just remove half the contents of the house! The one unfurnished place available is more expensive than the furnished one, anyway, so not sure I can afford it while I'm not working. Back to feeling trapped for a bit longer...

Maggie - I agree with hilde that his behaviour is not your responsibility. I mean, really, can you imagine him in a few months, distraught at his alcoholism and saying, "I just don't know where to go for help; if only Maggie had told me?" There's the internet, there's his GP - there are plenty of avenues for help, only he has to want to go down them.