WWYD BIL, GF and unborn baby?

[mummy1986]

My BIL and his gf are having a baby in April 2013.
They have just brought a houe which is well beyond their means, have trouble keeping up with the mortgage repayments and are already in arrears with council tax.
I suggested to dp that instead of buying them christmas gifts this year we buy practical things for the baby, he agreed.
Suggested to bil and gf and they went slightly mental!
Surely they would be grateful that we want to buy our unborn niece/nephew things?
I know it sounds harsh not buying for them, but they are soooo skint. (My mil is buying the pram, they are having our cot, changing table and all nursery bedding changing mat etc.)
I thought i was being helpful, or do you think not?
She is 17, 18 next week and he is 24.
previously posted in christmas

[Whatnowffs]

If you are really that concerned, get her some practical help - she sounds like she needs it and christ on a bike, she is 17 and still a child herself, of course she would like an xmas present! How long has your 24 year old brother been sleeping with this girl? if she was sixteen when it started its statuatory rape and he would be on the sex offenders list. Quite rightly so actually, as she is now pregnant and from what you describe vulnerable and unable to cope. So, 17 with mh problems and your BIL is having unprotected sex with her? Does he have issues too? Christ, its like jeremy kyle.

[JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar]

There is no such thing as statutory rape in England (and I assume the rest of the UK) Whatnow and besides the age of consent is 16. If they started having intercourse when she was 16 then no laws have been broken.

[Alisvolatpropiis]

If they started having sex when she was 16 it would have been completely legal.

[Bogeyface]

does it matter when she first had sex?

She is nearly 18 and pregnant, has no idea what she is doing, has MH issues, he is going further into debt by the day so there is a good chance they will be homeless by the time the baby comes and they are both amazingly immature and wont be helped.

If I got no joy on Saturday then I would ring SS if I was the OP.

Whatnow check your facts, you are talking rubbish and her age when it started has no bearing on what is happening now.

[Whatnowffs]

Yes of course, i meant under 16 of course! It really doesn't chane the fact that your 24 year old brother in law has taken advantage of a young girl who clearly isn't able to cope with pregnancy though does it. Horrible.

How on earth did he buy the house with that shortfall, no mortgage company would lend without proof of income these days.

I would be making a call to social services, it all sounds like a recipe for disaster which ultimately your BIL will walk away from leaving this poor girl fucked.

[FrillyMilly]

Are you sure he owns the house? If he does then be must have at least a 10% equity in it. He might be best cutting his losses and selling it. Then using what's left of his deposit to get straight and rent a small house. Is he very open with you about his financial situation? Could you try and help him to help himself to get straight financially rather than just buying/giving them stuff?

[pmcblonde]

You could contact the relevant Community Midwifery team and ask their advice on what to do. They will be able to access support services more easily. If you know where she goes for her antenatal care they will be able to make sure that her midwife knows the score.

You need to stop enabling your brother to be so irresponsible. With a £300 shortfall between income and expenditure, a vulnerable and dependent girlfriend, and a baby on the way he needs to take sensible, unemotional advice via Citizens Advice or the Money Advice Service. There's usually tons of leaflets in SureStart centres about this sort of thing.

It sounds as though the girlfriend will be eligible for lots of support from lots of places but it's key to normalise asking for support (and the scare-mongering about Social Services never helps). Perhaps you could arrange to take her for a beauty treatment for her birthday and talk about the kind of things you struggled with when pregnant and the support you asked for - if you're coming across as some sort of very together supermum then she's probably really intimidated and terrified of opening up.

She needs help and your brother needs to grow up and take responsibility for his family.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

it all sounds like a recipe for disaster which ultimately your BIL will walk away from leaving this poor girl fucked.

Where does OP say he's going to walk out?

[JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar]

it's key to normalise asking for support

Yes!

All of us need a bit of help every now and then. I had some, despite being much older than your bil's gf, being employed and having a mother worth her weight in gold.

There's no shame in it. Parenthood is hard, whatever your age and financial circumstances.

Absolutely second the CAB advice, too. It's possible that they could enter into an agreement with some of the creditors and save their home but only if they act sooner rahter than later.

[financialwizard]

CCCS will be able to help with debt advice too.

Good luck with it OP. I think going gungho at it will alienate them even more but if you go in with the 'I would like to help, but more practically' route it might be better.

[izzywizzyisbizzy]

CCCS wont help anyone with equity (or they wouldnt when dh got in touch before we were together), as he discovered, this included anyone stuck in a mortgage with an ex.

[Iodine]

Izzywizzy- I will eat my hat if it doesn't turn out that Bil lied about getting a mortgage.

[mummy1986]

I dont know about the mortgage tbh.
Mil has said today that she will end up with custody of babba.
Im sick of it

[izzywizzyisbizzy]

She wont if she pisses them off, it will end up in care.

[mummy1986]

Thats what i said.
Theyve got midwife app tomorrow o think mil wants to go but gf says no.

I think im gonna stear clear, ive tried my best offered to take her shopping for a new coat and jeans but she wont go.

I just dont want that poor baby yo suffer

[Iodine]

Would you MIL be ok with bringing the baby up?

FWIW, you sound lovely. Can you be my SIL (I don't even care if you're going out with my DPs brother, let alone married to him) and take me shopping for a new coat?

My SIL is weird and married a man 20 years older than her who doesn't like to do anything.

[mummy1986]

Aww thank you! Ill take u shopping!

No she wouldnt want yhe baby ft really she just dont want gf mum to get custody

[mummy1986]

Just an update for anyone who is interested....
went round yesterday and just asked about the cat, money you know just in conversation, and gf said oh it wont be a problem with the cats, they love babies and bil said about the money and i quote "Well if i quit my job we'll get loads of benefits and wont worry about money!"

I give up.

[Offred]

Kind of glad for you that you feel you can now give up, this must have been a huge burden on you, and still will be emotionally but please do follow through on the giving up actively trying to help, maybe just completely back off now and let them see what happens.

[mummy1986]

yeah im going to back off at the end of the day its not my problem my mil can buy them stuff from now on.
i got her some soap and glory smellies for xmas and bil a tshirt and thats all they're getting!

[Offred]

It will be hard but I think there really isn't anything you can do to help anyway and you were just getting abuse when you tried, you'll be much happier day to day if you can let go in your mind of feeling responsible for preventing their mistakes, hard as that is. Really the only thing you can do now is keep an eye on the baby when it's born.

[JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar]

Thanks for the update. What a mess :(

They're all lucky to have you.

[aimingtobeaperfectionist]

My DC was born in may this year and last Christmas I asked for things for the baby. People asked to buy me things but I said no thank you, I'd rather have things for baby. Just depends how you feel about it I guess.

[decktheballs]

Iodine are you my sister? Those are the exact words she would use to describe me