WWYD BIL, GF and unborn baby?

[mummy1986]

My BIL and his gf are having a baby in April 2013.
They have just brought a houe which is well beyond their means, have trouble keeping up with the mortgage repayments and are already in arrears with council tax.
I suggested to dp that instead of buying them christmas gifts this year we buy practical things for the baby, he agreed.
Suggested to bil and gf and they went slightly mental!
Surely they would be grateful that we want to buy our unborn niece/nephew things?
I know it sounds harsh not buying for them, but they are soooo skint. (My mil is buying the pram, they are having our cot, changing table and all nursery bedding changing mat etc.)
I thought i was being helpful, or do you think not?
She is 17, 18 next week and he is 24.
previously posted in christmas

[Offred]

It is all well and good telling him it isn't right but you are actually supporting them financially and emotionally to maintain the situation and suffering abuse from them as a result. It has crosse the line from support and into enabling and I think the only solution is official involvement which will be independent and impartial.

[mummy1986]

As in social services?

[Offred]

And FFS I never insinuated he is a peadophile. I was exceptionally clear in saying EXACTLY what I meant.

[FrillyMilly]

Would they even have a health visitor? Don't you get them when your baby is 1 month old. How would the GP/midwife not know about her overdose? Do midwives get no access to medical records other than what you tell them.

I can see you mean well but shouting and screaming at your BIL will not help. I was 17 when I started going out with my now DH. He was 23. Perhaps people don't agree with that age gap but I never felt taken advantage of or that I was a child. I do not have any mental health problems and a very supportive family. If someone had criticised my relationship I can assure you I would not have taken it kindly. You are in real danger to pushing them both away and making them more vulnerable. I think all you can do it is support them, be there for them and help pick up the pieces if it all goes wrong.

[Offred]

I think NSPCC for advice and they will probably contact SS I would imagine.

[Alisvolatpropiis]

Are you sure that they aren't fully aware of how hard it is going to be but want to keep maintain a positive (if seemingly oblivious attitude) because they're worried that if they ask for help or admit they are deeply worried that the baby might be taken off them?

The comment your BiL made about you and your DH managing made me think that could be possible.

As an aside I honestly can't believe that their relationship is essentially being reduced to abuse by some. It's a 6 year age gap. She wasn't 12 when they got together. Lots of people have age gap relationships. It's not the age gap that seems to be the problem here.

[Iodine]

Maybe you need to step away from the situation? I can imagine how hard this is for you standing on the sidelines and watching.

Are your DPs parents helping Bil and gf?

[Offred]

Frilly - it isn't the age gap that concerns me or Paedophilia in that situation but the disparity in legal and often lifestyle status. My worry is that the adult must at the very least b

[mummy1986]

I just dont know, no one can get any answers from them.
Lets hope when we go round on saturday we can actually come away feeling a bit more positive about them and not worried.

I am worried in all honesty about ss etc, as i would hate it if ss was involved in my dc's life and i know somethimes it is nessacery (Sp) and they dont always take children from parents but this is my fear if ss do get involved, as if she talked to them the way she spoke to us somethimes and bil just sitting there oblivious and see the house in a tip and cats everywhere, i would just think the worst, hence why i personally are trying to help them.

Silly i know as im not a proffesional.

[mummy1986]

Mil and Fil are helping, offered to buy very nice pram but mil gets angry with them for being so blase about it all.
Fil said when preg was announced ' oh well boy at least you know your balls work.'
I mean come on!!

[Offred]

Oops! Be comfortable with being in a relationship with someone who is not their equal, someone who they are considered to be of superior status to. It is abuse I'm worried about not Paedophilia because inevitably a teenager grows up and is conferred adult rights at some stage and this makes them equal under the law.

[FrillyMilly]

Think about how you would feel if this was you. A pregnant teenager with very little family who has tried to commit suicide twice. The only person you have that loves and supports you is your bf. All your bfs family dislike you, criticise you, tell you that you won't cope, ban you from their house, try to take over and tell you what to do. Seriously how would you react?

[mummy1986]

We dont dislike her!

[Offred]

I agp

[Offred]

Argh! I agree with frilly that will be her logic but I think I'd be more concerned about the baby.

[homeaway]

Having teeangers I think that she wants somebody to make her feel special, perhaps you could organise a celebration for her 18th so that she feels that people care about her ? Teenagers sometimes have a warped sense of reality and can put their heads in the sand. I think you have to explain about the dangers of toxmoplasomosis or ask her midwife to explain the real dangers to her and her unborn child. One thing which is really hard is that you cant help people who dont want to be helped so the only thing you can do is make sure that the baby is well cared for when it arrives. Regarding christmas I would get them each a present and save the rest of what you would have spent until the baby arrives. This is really hard for you as you know what the reality is and they dont want to acknowledge it but for now give the advice but accept that it might not be followed.

[Offred]

She is not demonstrating an ability to effectively manage her life, her feelings or her relationships and is about to have a baby, ss is meant to help with this stuff, I agree it is scary to call because you can't trust they will.

[FrillyMilly]

I'm sure you don't dislike her but your MiL certainly seems to and she probably feels that you all think like that.

[madoldbird]

Going round there again and "trying to talk to them" is not going to solve anything. What can they say to you that is going to put your mind at rest? What can you say to them that will change their behaviour? Are they going to do something about the debt / dirty house etc etc just because you go round there and tell them to? No.

In all honesty if you are that concerned about the situation, SS is the best way forward. You can ring a duty social worker, explain your concerns, and leave it to them. They will not be immediately wanting to take the baby away as soon as it is born, but they will be looking at putting in decent support for a vulnerable teenager & unborn baby.

Sorry, not trying to be harsh, I can see you obviously want to help, but will the best will in the world this couple sound like they need professional support.

[tasmaniandevilchaser]

yyhomeaway I would be worried about toxoplasmosis as well, with all the cat shit.

It's also worrying she called the baby "stupid". It suggests she is not coping with the idea of impending motherhood. It's not going to get any easier!! Christmas presents are the least of their worries.

Can you call the midwife dept? They won't have a HV yet, but she will be known to midwifery services.

I would agree with those that have said as a teenager she will be interpreting all your help and support as control and criticism. You've said you've shouted and screamed at BIL, I understand you're worried but not sure this is the way to go. I like homeaway's idea of some kind of celebration/treat for her 18th.

[trikken]

sounds like a very difficult situation, we have similar with step-bil and his pregnant gf. we gave them lots of stuff (that was in very good condition) as fil and s-mil said that they needed stuff and fil and s-mil were chuffed when they came to pick it all up. We gave them a musical baby walker, moses basket, playpen/travel cot and pushchair and two binbags full of mostly new or hardly worn baby clothes but when they showed s-bil and his gf they went nuts and told them that they didnt want anything second hand for the baby, so that'll be the last I give/buy them anything. Fil is really cross as they now are saying they have no money to stock up on baby milk and nappies before the baby arrives.

[Offred]

Yes I like the party idea as well.

[madoldbird]

Me too. Keeps you involved with them and shows you care, without trying to sort out the situation, and appearing to be telling them what to do.

[JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar]

It's funny isn't it how some people (not just teens) often seem to think that the expensive part of having a baby is the pram, the cot, the formula. I digress.

I like homeaway's suggestion re her 18th birthday. That would be nice I think (although don't be surprised if it backfires horribly - a teenager and pregnant must be a truly special combination of hormones and general irrationality )

Off I totally agree about the imbalance being a concern, and I hope the bil is nice (but dim).

[Alisvolatpropiis]

Maybe try spending time with her but as you would any other pregnant friend. An afternoon where it's just talking about names etc. If she feels that you are more "on her side" she may well be more inclined to listen to you about the more serious issues too.

The 18th birthday party is a great idea.