WWYD BIL, GF and unborn baby?

[mummy1986]

My BIL and his gf are having a baby in April 2013.
They have just brought a houe which is well beyond their means, have trouble keeping up with the mortgage repayments and are already in arrears with council tax.
I suggested to dp that instead of buying them christmas gifts this year we buy practical things for the baby, he agreed.
Suggested to bil and gf and they went slightly mental!
Surely they would be grateful that we want to buy our unborn niece/nephew things?
I know it sounds harsh not buying for them, but they are soooo skint. (My mil is buying the pram, they are having our cot, changing table and all nursery bedding changing mat etc.)
I thought i was being helpful, or do you think not?
She is 17, 18 next week and he is 24.
previously posted in christmas

[diddl]

I can see why you are thinking as you, but if all the big stuff is sorted out, a few bits & bobs 4months before baby is due isn´t going to do much really.

They both sound ridiculously immature.

[ArtVandelay]

I'm sorry. It's not going to end well from the sound of things. Hopefully HV and SS can intervene and support once baby is here. I feel for you though, you must be worried sick.

[OpheliaPayneAgain]

how did they get a morgage offer? thats ridculous, debts would show up on credit searches and banks have tightened up considerably.

[StuntGirl]

I think you mean GF AND BIL don't clean the house. As it is their house together and everything.

I think this sounds like a very sad situation which will not end happily for anyone. Unfortunately there's precious little you can do for them; they are adults who are free to mess up their lives as they see fit. Once the baby arrives I would focus efforts on her/him as it sounds like the little thing will need it.

[Offred]

I agree with stunt girl to an extent and also thing.

I don't believe she is his equal. She might be 18 soon but she was very definitely 17 when he got her pregnant. V. Dodgy, V. V. Dodgy indeed... A lot of these are his irresponsible choices, I don't really feel sorry for him and I think he is the main one to blame for this situation as the only adult in it.

I don't think you should keep on interfering with help. They need to live on their own and some help to maintain the current unsustainable situation is just allowing it to continue for longer and get much worse. Who knows what she will be like when the baby is here BUT I would be contemplating ss by now with cat poo everywhere in a house with a pregnant child who calls the baby stupid.

[JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar]

Hang on, she's 17 - almost 18. She's far too young to be having a baby in my opinion, particularly considering her obvious immaturity, but she isn't a child.

The op's bil has to take his share of the blame for sure, but it's a bit late for that really.

I think I would be contacting social services. They might have no idea of how ill-equiped she is, and might be able to point her in the direction of specialist services for young parents. I assume she'll be a sahm whilst the bil works so although obviously the child will be his responsibility too, she'll be the one looking after the baby most of the day. If she can't be arsed to clear up cat shit in the house it doesn't bode terribly well.

Of course actually having the baby might make her buck her ideas up, but I wouldn't rely on that.

[Offred]

yes she is

[JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar]

If we're terribly bothered about legal definitions, then she's above the (unavoidably rather arbitary) age of consent.

She sounds immature and she had MH issues - not surprising considering what we know of her family life. So yes she is vulnerable. That doesn't mean to say that the bil is taking advantage though.

[izzywizzyisbizzy]

Poor girl - obviously (assuming on low wage), they will have TC and CB when baby comes, so money should be easier not tighter.

I too feel she is vunerable and he is too old.

I'd be unhappy if my 17 year old was with a 24 year old - isn't she in college/6th form?

[Iodine]

Are you sure they've bought it? They might just be telling you that...

[Offred]

She's still a child, the law says she's a child with the ability to consent to sex. However if not speaking about legal definitions then I find it hard to define her as anything but since she doesn't sound very mature for 17.

However this shouldn't be about getting at her, 7 years is the age difference between my DH and I but I always worry about an adult who is sexually interested in a child because there is a disparity in legal status and therefore potential for abuse. I don't think it is right to necessarily treat them as just another couple. She is potentially extremely vulnerable:

[FatimaLovesBread]

How did they manage to buy a house? Which irresponsible bank/broker managed to get them a mortgage. What do they both do for jobs?
Agree with Iodine are you sure they own it? Just that we bought our house 2 years ago and struggled to get a mortgage for only £70k with family incomes of around £35k and a 15% deposit, the banks are really tightening up.

I think maybe you should speak to their HV or SS to get them some help?

[mummy1986]

she was in college, but dropped out because noone liked her.
They got together when she was a weekaway from her 16th, but noone found out until 6 months later
They are very secrective, known for lying.
Dp and i are off round saturday to try and talk to them.

[Offred]

I don't see why you are treating this as a normal relationship between consenting adults when she has clearly been groomed pre age of consent by a 22 year old man!

[TheReturnOfBridezilla]

She sounds like she is drowning. I dare sat I wouldn't have coped well as a pregnant seventeen year old with financial troubles but why can't your brother do some cleaning etc if she isn't coping? Where are the midwives, why haven't they noticed that she isn't coping and don't they have to home visit now? Hvs definitely will once the baby is born and if they have any concerns will be able to get her support if she isnt willing to seek it herself yet. Could you speak to her about the cats, explain how bad it will look to visiting professionals and give her a chance to sort it out before the baby is born.

It sounds like she doesn't have anyone on her side at the moment, she is immature and overwhelmed by the pregnancy and needs your support and would be devastated if she knew you were discussing her like this. From the amount you know about their personal / financial lives it sounds as though they depend on you a lot.

[izzywizzyisbizzy]

I think for the sake of your neice/nephew you are going to have to try to befriend her not alienate her.

If she can't get along with her peers - she is going to be very isolated when te baby comes.

[mummy1986]

Offred We have sat down with him and told him that the relationship is not 'right' we have screamed and shouted at him! They will not listen.

When we 1st was told they were together, my mil banned her from the house and staying over, but they just went to her mothers who doesn't give a flying fuck about her.
My dp just is at the end of his tether with them, cant understand why they put themselves in the situation, let alone getting a 17 yr old girl knocked up as he so gently put it.

As i said up thread, i dont know if they have told HV about mh/od's.
Can i contact hv and bring up my concerns?

[TheReturnOfBridezilla]

I think hv would be a gentler option than ss at this point. If you tell them you think she may be depressed there may be some support they can offer while keeping a closer eye on her in case she needs them. Would be a good starting point I think.

Although better still to frogmarch ask sil if she wants you to visit the hv with her and go over the problems together rather than letting her feel you have "reported" her as this may feel like a betrayal to a vulnerable girl who already has few friends and family to rely on.

[mummy1986]

Oh and gf says its not my dn/dn its dp because we are not married!

[mummy1986]

Yes that is a good idea thereturn, i have offered to take her to midwife/shopping/doctors but bil takes her as they cant bear to be apart for 30 seconds.

[Alisvolatpropiis]

Offred I don't think insinuating that OP's BIL is a paedophile is particularly helpful. By your logica a 17 year old boy who starts a relationship with a 15 year old girl would also be a paedophile.


OP,your offer was really kind and it's a shame that they can't see the offer for the kindness it is. It sounds like they're goin to have a really hard time and are not willing to accept that is the case. I don't know what I would do in your position,not convinced there is anything you can do if they are unable to accept the realities of their circumstances.

I think she needs to make someone aware that she has had mh issues,it could be affecting her behaviour now. She does sound vulnerable. So does your BIL in his own way. I am the same age as him and my mind boggles at the odd behaviour,it sounds as though he is young for his age.

Sorry I can't be more helpful.

[izzywizzyisbizzy]

Try won't have a health visitor until baby is born. There is very little you can do until then.

Remember she is a child, teenagers tend to have a very selfish black and White view of the world (her comments re not your DN) and she is a troubled vunerable one.

All you can really do is wait for baby to come and then speak to HV/SS.

[Iodine]

What a horrible situation for you OP. They both sound very immature for their age, what normal 22 year old would want to be with a 16 year old?

I couldn't sit back and watch this train wreck happen without speaking to a HV.

[mummy1986]

He is quite young for his age i suppose. Neither of them has a clue.
Dp said to him last week, do you know how tough it is bringing up a baby eg cost, time, effort, no sleep, bil having to get up to be at work for 5am, lives 30mins from work.
Bil answers well you and mummy1986 did it and you managed!
Yes but i was not 17 and was not vunerable, we had 2 wages coming in and we could afford food!

[mummy1986]

Iodine I am at my wits end, its all i can think about tbh.
They think its going to be all frills and bows going out buying all the things the baby will need and gf keeps saying oh i can buy it headbands and make up and frilly dresses.
Urm hate to tell you but it might not be a girl!