WWYD BIL, GF and unborn baby?

[mummy1986]

My BIL and his gf are having a baby in April 2013.
They have just brought a houe which is well beyond their means, have trouble keeping up with the mortgage repayments and are already in arrears with council tax.
I suggested to dp that instead of buying them christmas gifts this year we buy practical things for the baby, he agreed.
Suggested to bil and gf and they went slightly mental!
Surely they would be grateful that we want to buy our unborn niece/nephew things?
I know it sounds harsh not buying for them, but they are soooo skint. (My mil is buying the pram, they are having our cot, changing table and all nursery bedding changing mat etc.)
I thought i was being helpful, or do you think not?
She is 17, 18 next week and he is 24.
previously posted in christmas

[Iodine]

Decktheballs- I don't think so. You've engaged in conversation with me, which is something she hasn't managed to do in 3 years .

[Iodine]

I hope you have got through today ok and resisted the urge to drive her to the salon!

[MissMummy1]

Gosh what a tricky situation.

There's a big age gap between my partner and I. I'm almost 21 and he's 34, so I'd be a complete hypocrite to cast aspertions on their age gap. BUT our situations are poles apart. We have a combined salary of 45k, both have excellent credit ratings and, other than my small student loan, have no debts. My partner is employed full time and I have my own business. We have a 10-15% deposit saved, and yet we can't get a mortgage!! How the hell they managed is beyond me!

It sounds to me like you won't be able to reason with them. We are due a baby at the end of this month and as such expensive luxuries like nice haircuts are definitely a thing of the past! We're fortunate to have a bit of disposable income but all of that is being ploughed into a savings account for a bigger house deposit and to buy baby things.

To be so short every month and be so clueless is worrying. Very worrying. Little short of them having their house repossesed I have no idea how you'll be able to get through to them though...

[FatimaLovesBread]

Just text back saying how can you afford the cut and colour if you can't afford the bus fare to get there?
Or say you'll take her but you'll need £5 for petrol

[mummy1986]

I told her no im busy sorry get the bus and she said cant afford the fare! Dont have your bloody hair done at a salon that will cost nearly 100 and cant get there! Arrrrghhh!

[FrillyMilly]

I meant long time since I had it cut and coloured

[FrillyMilly]

I agree you need to say no. If you know they are in a bad place financially don't help them to spend unnecessary cash. If they are £300 a month short what is she doing having her hair cut and colored. It's a long time since I had my hair cut (I'm skint!) but it used to cost me the best part of £75.

[decktheballs]

Oh, iodine I of course meant sil

[Offred]

Put off politely! Say sorry, money's tight ATM with Xmas coming up.

[mummy1986]

Just had a call from them can i take gf to town to have her bloody hair cut and coloured tomorrow! Bloody cheek of them!

[Iodine]

Decktheballs- if you are a beardy man who likes sports then yes, I may be your sister

[decktheballs]

Iodine are you my sister? Those are the exact words she would use to describe me

[aimingtobeaperfectionist]

My DC was born in may this year and last Christmas I asked for things for the baby. People asked to buy me things but I said no thank you, I'd rather have things for baby. Just depends how you feel about it I guess.

[JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar]

Thanks for the update. What a mess :(

They're all lucky to have you.

[Offred]

It will be hard but I think there really isn't anything you can do to help anyway and you were just getting abuse when you tried, you'll be much happier day to day if you can let go in your mind of feeling responsible for preventing their mistakes, hard as that is. Really the only thing you can do now is keep an eye on the baby when it's born.

[mummy1986]

yeah im going to back off at the end of the day its not my problem my mil can buy them stuff from now on.
i got her some soap and glory smellies for xmas and bil a tshirt and thats all they're getting!

[Offred]

Kind of glad for you that you feel you can now give up, this must have been a huge burden on you, and still will be emotionally but please do follow through on the giving up actively trying to help, maybe just completely back off now and let them see what happens.

[mummy1986]

Just an update for anyone who is interested....
went round yesterday and just asked about the cat, money you know just in conversation, and gf said oh it wont be a problem with the cats, they love babies and bil said about the money and i quote "Well if i quit my job we'll get loads of benefits and wont worry about money!"

I give up.

[mummy1986]

Aww thank you! Ill take u shopping!

No she wouldnt want yhe baby ft really she just dont want gf mum to get custody

[Iodine]

Would you MIL be ok with bringing the baby up?

FWIW, you sound lovely. Can you be my SIL (I don't even care if you're going out with my DPs brother, let alone married to him) and take me shopping for a new coat?

My SIL is weird and married a man 20 years older than her who doesn't like to do anything.

[mummy1986]

Thats what i said.
Theyve got midwife app tomorrow o think mil wants to go but gf says no.

I think im gonna stear clear, ive tried my best offered to take her shopping for a new coat and jeans but she wont go.

I just dont want that poor baby yo suffer

[izzywizzyisbizzy]

She wont if she pisses them off, it will end up in care.

[mummy1986]

I dont know about the mortgage tbh.
Mil has said today that she will end up with custody of babba.
Im sick of it

[Iodine]

Izzywizzy- I will eat my hat if it doesn't turn out that Bil lied about getting a mortgage.

[izzywizzyisbizzy]

CCCS wont help anyone with equity (or they wouldnt when dh got in touch before we were together), as he discovered, this included anyone stuck in a mortgage with an ex.