not violent but emotionally abusive?

[thatsnotmynamereally]

I am just wondering how obvious it must be to the rest of the world that DH is a manipulative d*ckhead? and why do I go along with it? Sorry-- this is a rather long rant but I just want to write it down so I'll stop going over it all in my head!

OK. Today he asked me if I'd go into his office with him, basically to keep him company as he'd be the only one there, he runs his own firm with a few others but they don't have much work at the moment so don't go in very often. DH likes to have people around him to talk to. I said no because I wanted to get some things done, ie laundry, sorting out some ISA transfers which should have been done two weeks ago, Ocado order, garden etc-- basically the things I normally do at home as I'm not working, I used to work full time but stopped about 3 years ago.

For the past week we had his brother (divorced) and BIL's little girl (5) staying with us. And it ended up being a total pain for me as I end up waiting on them hand and foot, basically just trying to be a good host but BIL is very hard work and never says thank you for anything. I really hadn't wanted them to come for various reasons mainly because the last time they stayed he (BIL) seemed so ungrateful and I ended up planning activities and having to go around with them (and pay for them FFS) and this time was about the same, but it was my DD's half term as well, she's applying to uni right now, and I'd looked forward to a nice calm week. We got through the week and all was OK not great-- but today was my first day at home since then.

Anyway DH was really annoyed (angry) that I didn't want to go in with him, but I stood my ground, he suggested that I go in and do some jobhunting but I said I wanted to stay and clean the house. So he went in not until about 12:00, did some work, I did some things around the house, he called at about 5:00 to be picked up at the tube (I have to be available for tube-pickups at all times as he doesn't like to take the bus, we have two cars so he could drive himself and park the car away from the tube what I did when I worked full time, the pick-ups are a real pain for me but that is another issue) and when we got into the house he had a go at me because it wasn't clean enough to be fair I had left the sitting room exactly how he'd left it that morning including his toast plate and mug on the table... but I had asked him to bring those things over and he hadn't this was after I'd had a total b%^ch session with him about how his brother had left cereal bowls etc all over and he'd agreed that it was not on!

So... I was planning on going to see fireworks with a friend he knew about this as I'd phoned him earlier I invited him (even though I really didn't want him to come as I wanted to have a good chat with friend), he said he might like to, after dinner I said OK dinner's almost ready I'd made sausages fried up with onions, plus cauliflower cheese, green beans, and the leftover roasted veges plus yorkshire puddings from a sumptuous roast dinner I'd made yesterday. Now I thought that was a pretty good effort. I brought it over to him, he immediately complained that the gravy was too thin, I was mildly annoyed and said that it wasn't but offered to remake it (Bisto, I despise it but he and kids love it) but he said too late, he'd already poured it, then he and DD and I all had our dinners, I poured the two of us a glass of red wine, asked if he was coming to the fireworks, he started complaining about the dinner which he said was very poor... and complained about the wine which was an expensive red I'd bought the day before and told him about because it was on a really good discount, I thought it was lovely but he was just looking for a reason to complain, he asked why there was no white wine in the house true, there wasn't but ?! I hadn't had time to re-stock! Not the end of the world? And we tend to drink red this time of year?! Sorry but I get so defensive, this has got to be part of the problem he started going on about how awful the dinner was, DD had a real go at him for being horrible to me and she told me the dinner was fine-- but what can you say if someone tells you that the dinner which you've cooked, which they've mostly eaten, is rubbish? I said, (a bit sarcastically but mainly to smooth things over), OK I'm sorry the dinner was sh*te and I'll never cook sausages again... blah blah... then he said, well you'd better get along to the fireworks and I said I'd bring a bottle of white wine back with me.

So I went off to the fireworks, a short walk away, met up with my friend, had a lovely time watching fireworks, which started much later than they'd said and went on for a fairly long time. We had such a nice chat and we decided we should go for a quick drink after to celebrate my birthday which was a week ago. So against my better judgement we did and had a lovely time, shared a bottle of wine and generally had a chat and caught up. Of course DH was annoyed that I hadn't turned up, called about 9:15 and asked where I was , I told him was just leaving, got a bottle of wine at Sainsburys on the way back and got home well before 10:00-- not unreasonably late.

More back story here it was my birthday a week ago on the Friday that BIL was due to turn up to the train station at 9:30PM and he needed picking up from the station in the car (he's got health issues, couldn't ask him to get a taxi) so that scuppered any thoughts of an evening glass of fizz or celebration, not really too dramatic about it but knowing we had to get ready for him coming which we weren't looking forward to sort of ruined the day. DH thought we should do something to celebrate my birthday, I said that I was just fine not doing too much but he insisted so we decided to go to Bicester outlet mall... just for a fun day out, no serious shopping or anything. It's about an hours drive from us and we got there it was packed, so packed that we couldn't find a parking space and DH got furious and drove really fast and angry up and down the parking lanes people jumped out of the way I of course got really upset by this, then DH found a parking attendant and shouted at him for 10 minutes when the guy suggested we park by the train station. So we drove away with him shouting that he was never going back there OK it was annoying not to find a space but FFS supposed to be my birthday celebration! Anyway we ended up having lunch at a restaurant but not fun and I wasn't 'allowed' to mention Bicester and how unreasonable he'd been. Anyway last night I thought I should have been able to say to DH that my friend was taking me for a birthday drink without me feeling guilty about it, as I'd had no other acknowledgement!

DH went to bed just before I got in last night, I went up to see him and he said I'd ruined everything, blah blah, so I said OK fine and went downstairs to sleep on the sofa. Now I'm awake at 4AM and rather furious with the situation. Sorry if it's TMI but just wanted to write it down... so many more examples like this seem to be happening on a daily basis... I need to do something but I'm not sure what! Don't want to make any effort to rock the boat until lovely DD, who is very understanding and knows that DH gets into these moods, gets her uni place sorted out...

Don't you think that sometimes it is difficult to determine if a relationship is abusive or not ?

I think abusive men and abusive relationships, like most things, are on a spectrum ... from bad to worse !

As I said in my post above very clearly ( 13.07 ) I'm not saying it's ever better to stay with an abusive partner.

I think you'll find if anyone has time to read through whole thread that I never have said that.

Just perhaps that OP, like me, isn't sure if she is experiencing abusive behaviour in her relationship.

I've never said it isn't difficult for the victim to determine whether their relationship is abusive. For people outside it it can also be difficult to see sometimes too but it doesn't mean an abusive relationship is not abusive just because it is hard to identify it as such. Either way it isn't relevant and is a completely different thing to it being right to stay. Difficult to identify abuse, difficult to admit to it, difficult to take steps away from it, difficult to not repeat the pattern in various ways: all reasons for staying but none reasons staying with the abuse is right.

Fine, but I think you'll find that I never said it was right to stay in an abusive relationship.

Perhaps we have got to some kind of understanding of each other now ?

Meanwhile, I wonder how OP is doing ?

oh no. Hard for me to revisit this thread ATM and I know I'll regret this... the 'B' was horrible again last night, not just to me but to DD as well, in such strange ways that I really wonder about his mental health, he's gone away today and hopefully won't come back for a day or two... OK here's what he did, all dinner-related again, I served up dinner and he looked at DD's plate, said to me 'I thought I told you not to give her too much food. You've given her too much food. Why do you never listen to me?' ... well, HOW do you answer that question, it was going to escalate into a confrontation... needless to say there was no reason for him to have said that, it was pasta but not a huge amount, the background to this is weight issues, I'm a little bit overweight (in a nice sort of way, I am not too bothered by and am not criticizing myself) and DD slightly more so, but we never criticise, she has good self-esteem and dresses nicely and when she decides to slim down she can... well red rag to a bull to mention weight issues as he knows that it bothers me to mention it and NEVER to talk to DD about it as she's very sensitive and has made it clear that its a no-go area for discussion, a few months ago he told me to stop serving her such big dinners (eh?) as I was 'making' her fat... NOW I KNOW that this is totally unacceptable as of course DD was very hurt by his comments last night so we both left the room... then, we'd been planning to go see a movie as a treat, we don't do it often, and she and I said we didn't want to go anymore... but he made it clear that he was going to sulk if we didn't go as planned, not in so many words, so he apologized for spoiling dinner and we went out, he bought a mega-tub of popcorn and shared some with her which I thought was pathetic of him... There were a few more episodes recently, one in the car where he actually broke the radio, TMI already but when I write it down can see that it's definitely him that is causing the problems.
So I know that he has a problem. It's obvious and it's obvious that it is his problem, the truth is that it's been worse for the last week and I think it's a direct result of his brother visiting, anything to do with his family sends him into a deep depression (not clinical one perhaps, who knows) and he can actually be decent when he is 'OK'... if he'd make up his mind to be nice it would be OK. so I 'should' leave him, I'm sure... but I'm thinking I'd suggest to him that we spend some time apart as his behaviour is unreasonable, aggressive and intolerable and suggest that he gets himself a big fat PROZAC perscription to make himself a nicer person if he doesn't fancy moving out! What would be the harm in taking that approach, has anyone tried that? I did call our GP a few months ago... as he's on various medication and I wondered if it were long term effects making him more angry than usual. GP couldn't answer my questions because of data protection, was v nice at the time but haven't followed up on it. From everything i've read it is typical of these types of men to blame health etc on their own sh*t behaviour but at least I feel I should suggest that he rules out ie a brain tumour to explain himself. Sorry, waffled on again, I know I'll be told to 'LTB' but as he does have another place to go at the moment I'd rather suggest to him that he just goes there and doesn't come back, makes more financial sense than me turfing myself out.

oh, crossed posts there. Doing OK, more insight into current situation but no resolutions as of yet.

So sorry to hear you had yet another difficult evening.

I find the things DH says in front of the children some of the worst too.

I think asking him to move out would be a good plan, OP. The trouble with him going on Prozac is that instead of a depressed abuser, you would probably have a happy abuser, as St Lundy of Bancroft would say. The bottom line is he thinks his behaviour is acceptable. Feelings don't cause behaviour. Brain tumours don't cause behaviour. He is responsible for his behaviour.

Also I don't think LTB always means you should be the one leaving. If you can ask him to move out to his other place and give you and DD some space so much the better x

Sorry to see your H is still succumbing to fuckwittery.

Thanks CC. Nice of you to remember

It's not a problem that he's feeling bad because his brother is there. The problem is that whenever he feels bad, for whatever reason, his strategy for feeling better is to trample all over you and your DD. Guess what, he's not the bottom of the pile, because he has a couple of other people he can crush down a bit further.

The problem with the Prozac strategy is that you're still making it your problem to fix, not his.

Why do you think he'll change to please you when his behaviour consistently shows that he has no desire to please you whatsoever? I say this in the kindest possible way, because I've been there myself: you're deluding yourself. It's extremely painful to let go of what's called "malignant optimism", this hope that he will change, but you're choosing to live a fraction of the life you could have.

Project a few years into the future, when your DD has left home. Do you think she'll look forward to coming home for the weekend, or will she remember what her dad is like and put it off as much as possible? Will she really be grateful to you, or will she feel guilty but resentful that after everything, you always chose him over her? Instead of another spoilt weekend with warring parents, you could be in your own place, with DD coming to you for girlie weekends where you can giggle freely and do whatever you please, without someone actively putting the boot into you both.

Nick, that is so true and I know this... I've been fantasizing for ages about how nice things would be if I had my own little house/flat, just unsure at the moment as to how to go about everything. And as I've been pandering to him for years (and he knows I am dissatisfied with the way things are) it will have to be a pretty decisive move.

I just wish he would decide himself to move out... I know that the household dynamics will change greatly when DD moves out, they already changed when DS moved out to uni last year (for the better) I may find it quite easy to 'disappear' as I cannot bear the thought of him 24/7 and I will be so much more inclined not to be a doormat when there isn't anyone else around. Then again I may not-- for the sake of keeping the peace. I've been putting this off, the few times over the years I have brought the issues up with others they've warned me off leaving... for the kids' sake (horror stories like, 'I knew xxx who left her abusive OH and the he took her to court for custody and her hair turned grey overnight') and I tried relate counselling (which he didn't know about) and they told me to try and see things from his point of view... waste of money for that advice! and I've thought it the right thing to do to wait until the kids are out of the picture to have a showdown.

When his brother got divorced I'm not sure what happened but evidently his wife just cut off all contact and I've always thought if I end this relationship I'd like some 'closure' rather than to leave like that. After all... if you had a job wouldn't you list out the reasons you were firing someone, which may come as a total surprise to them, and give them a chance to improve their performance before giving them the boot? Probably a really bad metaphor, sorry. With regards to jobs, I'd be in a v strong position if I had one now but I don't! Very little work in my profession and I have no idea how to look for something else.

Why would he move out when he's established himself as emperor in his own little domain, where everyone is forced to humour him? It would take a lot of time and effort to break down a new woman the way he has done to you.

Knowledge is power - at the very least, ask for a free 30-minute session with a solicitor and find out how you would be situated in terms of assets if you leave it.

As for staying for the kids' sake, the great thing is that they are old enough for you not to have to fight for residence. Hair turning grey overnight - phooey, there's always hair-dye. People can be very vested in you staying in marriage so they're proved right in sticking with theirs (I say that in the full consciousness that I may be vested in people leaving to validate my choices!)

About closure - you won't get it, not from him. Abusive relationships are worse than non-abusive ones in this way. Leaving will be All Your Fault, You Selfish Bitch. Everything else that goes wrong in his life is your fault, so why would this be any different? He's not going to repent and do better. He'll always want to punish you if you can, so really all you can do is remove yourself as much as possible from his sphere of influence.

oooh Nick what you are saying really resonates with me, I know you are right about what will happen if/when I leave... in a way that's why I want validation that he is being unreasonable... will it really be all my fault when all the evidence points to him being in the wrong? At least I want it clear in my own head... cannot believe that I remember I saw his father shouting at his mother on our wedding day (it wasn't the greatest or most well organized day, he was putting something in a bag and she was trying to hold it open for him and he shouted at her that she was getting in the way, jeeez! it was his tone of voice I remember)... yes it did ring alarm bells but I just thought what a d*ckhead his father was, but it must be normalized behaviour for that family. My own family was also very dysfunctional in its own way Dad was fine, it was my mother who was the problem, a borderline alcoholic I think is that what you call someone who drinks every night and sits there swearing at the TV? and she always had to be placated and get her own way or heaven forbid the consequences-- I remember once on a long car journey I did something wrong and she didn't speak to me for 2 days! (this was in the usa) OMG! no wonder I cannot stand up to DH! BTW... my mother's job/profession? She was a marriage counsellor! Gah.

Talk with solicitor may be a good idea. I assume I'm entitled to half of everything, split down the middle. we own two houses both in joint names, and we both have ISA accounts in separate names. Sometimes I feel such a great wave of pity for him...

Unfortunately I'm not on my main pc at the moment but later on I will post some practical advice and links for you. Your home life sounds like hell. Pure hell. I feel very sad for you and your DD, who has no choice but to put up with it. You do have a choice.

I do understand your concern about your DD in this crucial year of her education, but you've got to balance the upset of separation with the continuing upset of living in such an unhappy environment. He is extending his bullying and abuse to her, and that's the point where most parents would think "enough is enough".

Do you want her to grow up thinking this kind of behaviour in a relationship is normal? That this is what she should expect to put up with in relationships with men?

All I can say is I was deeply relieved when my mum finally left my dad (I was around your DDs age) and only wished she had done it sooner.

Sorry, but I let out a snort of laughter at your mother being a marriage counsellor!

There's nothing wrong with wanting validation, once you can accept you won't get it from him. I did individual counselling (not with Relate) and got a lot of validation from that.

Pity - I hear you. That's a big reason why I stayed longer than I should. That is why the Lundy Bancroft book helped me so much, because it exploded the pity. Someone chooses to abuse because of the strategic value to them, not because they somehow can't help it.

And as for validation, you know you're allowed to leave because you want to? Not because his behaviour passes some threshold that everyone agrees is Bad Enough (although for what it's worth, I definitely think he is Bad Enough).

thanks... means so much to hear that others have been there/done that. It seems like I just looked up and realized that he is truly unbearable! how? why? No idea how things have got this bad.

That really resonates with me too Nick ...

"You know you're allowed to leave because you want to ? Not because his behaviour passes some threshold that everyone agrees is Bad Enough"

For now, that's good to know

My action in my own relationship for now is to reduce those opportunities where abusive behaviour from him is likely - such as long, stressful, car journeys where I'm literally stuck with him and have limited my options. But I don't mean in any way to suggest OP should do similar especially in terms of staying. All relationships are different.

To steal a phrase from Nelson Mandela, it can be a "long walk to freedom". It's a process - realizing what is going on, thinking through the options, trying a few strategies, making the final decision. When you've been through it, you want to urge other people to rush through these stages as quickly as possible, because it is really such a relief to come out the other side. But it's your journey, not mine.

Thanks for the understanding and support Nick
I like the quote too.

Not messaged before, but felt compelled to add to the discussion....

Sounds like my Ex.

Emotionally unpredicatble and unreasonable. behaving like a spoilt child with unneccessary and unreasonable demands and wanting things just so or there's all hell to pay, disregarding anyone else's needs or agendas, being verbally abusive etc. etc.
Its emotional bullying, and no-one deserves to have to put with it.
Your children need to know its not acceptable too....it really isn't.

I ended up at a hypnotherapist telling her I keep being told my life is fantastic and if I am not happy with it there is something wrong with me...so I was asking her to help me feel happy with my life. She said she could not do that as she felt I was accepting less than I deserved as a human being, that bullies (thats what they are) have no reason to change their ways and if they have got to adulthood and not developed appropriate empathy and responses to others they never will..........and she worked on my self esteem instead. Three sessions later, I resolved to stop accepting the emotional blackmail and pressure to conform to his unreasonable requirements....................and that was the best decision of my life.

It was not easy, but the amount of weight lifted from my shoulders was immense.....

Don't put up with emotional abuse - I was with a man who put me through hell for 5 years, running me down, telling me I was useless and ugly, forcing me to have sex when I didn't want to, separating me from my friends etc etc. He ruined my confidence and damaged me emotionally for years and years afterwards.

Looking back, I can't understand why I tolerated his pathetic, shitty behaviour - which was probably him projecting his own issues onto me. Tell him to get his shit together, or take a serious look at your situation - it will damage you and your DD

Do have a good read of this. Not all of it will apply to you - you are in a much better position than most, with your children all almost grown up. Be reassured you will not be anywhere near as badly off as you fear:

Relationship Breakdown and Divorce ? Advice and Links (V4 Nov 2012)

It is useful if you can get to grips with the language of family law and procedure, and get an understanding of your rights, BEFORE you see a solicitor. If you are well prepared you will save time and money.

Children

The welfare, needs and interests of children are paramount. Parents have responsibilities, not rights, in this regard. Shared residence means both parties having an equal interest in the upbringing of the children. It does not mean equal (50/50) parenting time - children are not possessions to be ?fairly? divided between separating parents.

A divorce will not be granted where children are involved unless there are agreed arrangements for finance, and care of the children (?Statement of Arrangements for Children?). It is obviously quicker and cheaper if this can be agreed but if there is no agreement, the Court will make an Order - ?Residence and Contact? regarding children, ?Financial Order? or ?Ancillary Relief? in the case of Finance. Information and links to these can be found in the Directgov link below. Residence and Contact Orders are likely to be renamed Child Arrangements Orders in future.

Always see a specialist family lawyer!

Get word of mouth recommendations for family lawyers in your area if possible. If you have children at school, ask mums you are friendly with if they know of anyone who can make a recommendation in your area. These days there are few people who don?t know of anyone who has been through a divorce or separation ? there?s a lot of knowledge and support out there!

Many family lawyers will offer the first half hour consultation free. Make use of this. Don?t just stick with the first lawyer you find ? shop around and find someone you feel comfortable with. You may be in for a long haul, so it helps if you can find a solicitor you?re happy with.

If you can?t find any local recommendations, always see a solicitor who specialises in Family Law.

If you take legal action to protect yourself or your family from domestic violence, you may qualify for legal aid without having to meet the normal financial conditions. The income of an abusive partner will not be taken into account when deciding whether you qualify for legal aid.

You can also find out about Legal Aid and get advice on the Community Legal Advice Helpline on 08345 345 4 345
www.gov.uk/community-legal-advice
Or search in your area for Community Legal Advisors:
legaladviserfinder.justice.gov.uk/AdviserSearch.do
Here is the Gov.uk guide to divorce which includes a link to CAB advice at the foot of the first page:
www.gov.uk/divorce

Rights of Women have a helpline on 020 7251 6577 and helpful advice on their website.
www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/adviceline.php

Co-operative Legal Services offer DIY/Self-Help Divorce packages, as well as a Managed Divorce service. Their fee structure is more transparent and they have a telephone advice line as well as offering really good advice on their website:
www.co-operative.coop/legalservices/family-and-relationships/

You can read advice and search by area for a family lawyer here:
www.resolution.org.uk/

and here:
www.divorceaid.co.uk/

Some family law solicitors publish online feedback from clients ? Google solicitors to see if you can find any recommendations or feedback.

Mediation

You will be encouraged to attend mediation. This can help by encouraging discussion about arrangements for children and finance in a structured way in a neutral setting. However, it only works if both parties are willing to reach agreement.

If there has been violence or emotional abuse, discuss this with your solicitor first. Always get legal advice, or at the very least make sure you are aware of your legal rights, before you begin mediation. This is important because while a Mediator should have knowledge of family law, and will often explain family law, they are not there to give tailored legal advice to either party - so it?s important to have that first.

You can find a Mediator here:
www.familymediationhelpline.co.uk/find-service.php

Married or Living Together?

This is a key question, because if you are married, generally speaking you have greater protection when a relationship breaks down.

Legal Issues around marriage/cohabitation and relationship breakdown are explained here:
www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_living_together_marriage_and_civil_partnership_e/living_together_and_marriage_legal_differences.htm#Ending_a_relationship

www.advicenow.org.uk/living-together/

Gov.uk advice on divorce, separation and relationship breakdown:
www.gov.uk/browse/births-deaths-marriages/marriage-divorce

Issues around contact are further explored here:
www.gov.uk/parental-rights-responsibilities
www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/legal.php#children_relationship_breakdown
www.maypole.org.uk/
www.cafcass.gov.uk/media/2909/TimeforChildren.pdf

I found these guides from law firms quite informative and easy to read ? there are others of course:
www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/uploaded/documents/Surviving-Family-Conflict-and-Divorce---2nd-edition.pdf

www.terry.co.uk/hindex.html

Finance

Before you see a family law solicitor, get hold of every single piece of financial information you have access to, and take copies or make notes. Wage slips, P60s, tax returns, employment contracts, pensions and other statements ? savings, current account and mortgages, deeds, rental leases, utility bills, council tax bills, credit statements. Are there joint assets such as a home, pensions, savings, shares?
There is a useful divorce and separation calculator here:
www.gov.uk/money-property-when-relationship-ends

If you cannot access financial information, or you are aware that assets are being hidden from you, then obviously you will not be able to reach agreement on finances. Again you will be encouraged to go to mediation (link as above).

If there are children, as you cannot divorce without adequate arrangements being agreed on finance and children, you will have to apply for a financial order anyway.
If there are no children, and you are unable to agree on finances, you will also have to apply for a financial order.
During this process, parties have to declare financial information going back 12 months. So it is in your interests to act quickly once you have made the decision to divorce.

If you are married, the main considerations of the Family Courts where parties are unable to agree a settlement are (in no particular order of priority):

1.The welfare of any minor children from the marriage.
2.The value of jointly and individually owned property and other assets and the financial needs, obligation and responsibilities of each party.
3.Any debts or liabilities of the parties.
4.Pension arrangements for each of the parties, including future pension values and any value to each of the parties of any benefit they may lose as a result of the divorce.
5.The earnings and earning potential of each of the parties.
6.Standard of living enjoyed during the marriage.
7.The age of the parties and duration of the marriage.
8.Any physical or mental disability of either of the parties.
9.Contributions that each party may have made to the marriage, either financially or by looking after the house and/or caring for the family.

CSA maintenance calculator:
www.csacalculator.dsdni.gov.uk/calc.asp

Handy tax credits calculator:
www.hmrc.gov.uk/taxcredits/payments-entitlement/entitlement/question-how-much.htm#7

Handy 5 Minute benefit check, tax and housing benefit calculators:
www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/

CAB Benefits Check:
www.citizensadvice.co.uk/getadvice/benefit-calculator/A2B-Benefit-Calculator/#730

Parenting issues:
www.familylives.org.uk
www.theparentconnection.org.uk

Other Support ? Children, Housing, Domestic Violence
www.womensaid.org.uk/ and refuge.org.uk/ - Helpline 0808 2000 247
www.ncdv.org.uk/ - Helpline 0844 8044 999
www.gingerbread.org.uk/ - Helpline 0808 802 0925
Housing www.england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/families_and_relationships/relationship_breakdown
(Note that on many advice websites there is usually an appropriate link for England, Wales and Scotland where the law, advice and contact information may differ).
Sometimes links change or break ? if there is a problem or any of the above needs updating, please let me know.