not violent but emotionally abusive?

[thatsnotmynamereally]

I am just wondering how obvious it must be to the rest of the world that DH is a manipulative d*ckhead? and why do I go along with it? Sorry-- this is a rather long rant but I just want to write it down so I'll stop going over it all in my head!

OK. Today he asked me if I'd go into his office with him, basically to keep him company as he'd be the only one there, he runs his own firm with a few others but they don't have much work at the moment so don't go in very often. DH likes to have people around him to talk to. I said no because I wanted to get some things done, ie laundry, sorting out some ISA transfers which should have been done two weeks ago, Ocado order, garden etc-- basically the things I normally do at home as I'm not working, I used to work full time but stopped about 3 years ago.

For the past week we had his brother (divorced) and BIL's little girl (5) staying with us. And it ended up being a total pain for me as I end up waiting on them hand and foot, basically just trying to be a good host but BIL is very hard work and never says thank you for anything. I really hadn't wanted them to come for various reasons mainly because the last time they stayed he (BIL) seemed so ungrateful and I ended up planning activities and having to go around with them (and pay for them FFS) and this time was about the same, but it was my DD's half term as well, she's applying to uni right now, and I'd looked forward to a nice calm week. We got through the week and all was OK not great-- but today was my first day at home since then.

Anyway DH was really annoyed (angry) that I didn't want to go in with him, but I stood my ground, he suggested that I go in and do some jobhunting but I said I wanted to stay and clean the house. So he went in not until about 12:00, did some work, I did some things around the house, he called at about 5:00 to be picked up at the tube (I have to be available for tube-pickups at all times as he doesn't like to take the bus, we have two cars so he could drive himself and park the car away from the tube what I did when I worked full time, the pick-ups are a real pain for me but that is another issue) and when we got into the house he had a go at me because it wasn't clean enough to be fair I had left the sitting room exactly how he'd left it that morning including his toast plate and mug on the table... but I had asked him to bring those things over and he hadn't this was after I'd had a total b%^ch session with him about how his brother had left cereal bowls etc all over and he'd agreed that it was not on!

So... I was planning on going to see fireworks with a friend he knew about this as I'd phoned him earlier I invited him (even though I really didn't want him to come as I wanted to have a good chat with friend), he said he might like to, after dinner I said OK dinner's almost ready I'd made sausages fried up with onions, plus cauliflower cheese, green beans, and the leftover roasted veges plus yorkshire puddings from a sumptuous roast dinner I'd made yesterday. Now I thought that was a pretty good effort. I brought it over to him, he immediately complained that the gravy was too thin, I was mildly annoyed and said that it wasn't but offered to remake it (Bisto, I despise it but he and kids love it) but he said too late, he'd already poured it, then he and DD and I all had our dinners, I poured the two of us a glass of red wine, asked if he was coming to the fireworks, he started complaining about the dinner which he said was very poor... and complained about the wine which was an expensive red I'd bought the day before and told him about because it was on a really good discount, I thought it was lovely but he was just looking for a reason to complain, he asked why there was no white wine in the house true, there wasn't but ?! I hadn't had time to re-stock! Not the end of the world? And we tend to drink red this time of year?! Sorry but I get so defensive, this has got to be part of the problem he started going on about how awful the dinner was, DD had a real go at him for being horrible to me and she told me the dinner was fine-- but what can you say if someone tells you that the dinner which you've cooked, which they've mostly eaten, is rubbish? I said, (a bit sarcastically but mainly to smooth things over), OK I'm sorry the dinner was sh*te and I'll never cook sausages again... blah blah... then he said, well you'd better get along to the fireworks and I said I'd bring a bottle of white wine back with me.

So I went off to the fireworks, a short walk away, met up with my friend, had a lovely time watching fireworks, which started much later than they'd said and went on for a fairly long time. We had such a nice chat and we decided we should go for a quick drink after to celebrate my birthday which was a week ago. So against my better judgement we did and had a lovely time, shared a bottle of wine and generally had a chat and caught up. Of course DH was annoyed that I hadn't turned up, called about 9:15 and asked where I was , I told him was just leaving, got a bottle of wine at Sainsburys on the way back and got home well before 10:00-- not unreasonably late.

More back story here it was my birthday a week ago on the Friday that BIL was due to turn up to the train station at 9:30PM and he needed picking up from the station in the car (he's got health issues, couldn't ask him to get a taxi) so that scuppered any thoughts of an evening glass of fizz or celebration, not really too dramatic about it but knowing we had to get ready for him coming which we weren't looking forward to sort of ruined the day. DH thought we should do something to celebrate my birthday, I said that I was just fine not doing too much but he insisted so we decided to go to Bicester outlet mall... just for a fun day out, no serious shopping or anything. It's about an hours drive from us and we got there it was packed, so packed that we couldn't find a parking space and DH got furious and drove really fast and angry up and down the parking lanes people jumped out of the way I of course got really upset by this, then DH found a parking attendant and shouted at him for 10 minutes when the guy suggested we park by the train station. So we drove away with him shouting that he was never going back there OK it was annoying not to find a space but FFS supposed to be my birthday celebration! Anyway we ended up having lunch at a restaurant but not fun and I wasn't 'allowed' to mention Bicester and how unreasonable he'd been. Anyway last night I thought I should have been able to say to DH that my friend was taking me for a birthday drink without me feeling guilty about it, as I'd had no other acknowledgement!

DH went to bed just before I got in last night, I went up to see him and he said I'd ruined everything, blah blah, so I said OK fine and went downstairs to sleep on the sofa. Now I'm awake at 4AM and rather furious with the situation. Sorry if it's TMI but just wanted to write it down... so many more examples like this seem to be happening on a daily basis... I need to do something but I'm not sure what! Don't want to make any effort to rock the boat until lovely DD, who is very understanding and knows that DH gets into these moods, gets her uni place sorted out...

Many thanks so much for all the replies... it's clarifying for me that as I suspected he is a dickhead of the highest order... this sort of thing has been going on for years and I've just recently realized it's part of a pattern?! as I've always fallen into the trap of 'if only I'd do better he'd...' blah! I would like to give him the benefit of the doubt but he was being unreasonable about last night, and needy all because I have a friend and he doesn't and I wasn't prepared to put his 'needs' in front of my own. I may sway it a bit in my direction, I admit I'm not the perfect housewife, but it isn't right for him to behave the way he does most of the time sometimes. He's downstairs now, I made him breakfast and pretended nothing was wrong, he asked for aspirin as he 'has a headache' (code for he's not feeling well so no wonder he was a sh*thead last night, excuses) and I brought him own-brand paracetemol, he gruffly sent me back to the medicine cabinet to find something 'more expensive' which I couldn't provide as I'm not buying expensive Nurofen any more as we're supposedly belt-tightening his idea not mine! Gah. I found a coated ibuprofen and told him it was nurofen... OMG what a sap I am! Got to laugh right now. I've spent some time looking through this thread and found some really useful posts.... need to get that Lundy Bancroft (sp?) book methinks!

Yes yes you do! Higly recommend the Bancroft book - I would cite it a essential reading for you!

and LOL re: the sausages, tall! Now that would stir things up...

Bloody hell. I'd be really grateful to come home to a house that had been tidied and dinner cooked for me! Not pick at it to cause a fight because the person had afuled to sit whilst i worked and listen to me witter on all day. He seems to think you are his servant doesn't, only there to service his whims?

And I concur with regards to your daughter..if it's getting to the stage where she feels she has to defend you against his nasty attitude then she's probably already under a large amount of stress.

Also Uni is a big change..and actually it might be good for her to have the change at home first and see you nicely settled away from this situation before she goes, rather than cope with it at the same time as leaving? Is she going for next Septembers intake? Because if so that gives her plenty of months to adapt to the new situation.

You will see your inadequate husband in the pages of Lundy Bancroft.

Sorry what? You made him his breakfast after all of this and then served him his medicine (awww poor love he must have had such a stressful evening with all that asshole-ishness eh?) and then returned to get a 'better' one? After he picked at your service yet again?

Youre not a sap..but i think he had drilled you into some sort of service role with regards to him. Is that who you want to continue to be?

Your thread title worries me too OP, like 'It's ok, at least he doesn't hit me'. Wears you down though until you think it's your fault, in your second post you said you felt 'embarrassed'. Why? He's a knob.

You have my complete sympathies OP as my relationship with (D)H is looking a lot like yours. Maybe fairly low-level - but almost constantly there as a back-drop to everything else - lack of respect and what is surely often emotional abuse.

Basically I've realised that my (D)H just doesn't care how much he hurts my feelings and upsets me or how often. Really mean arguments and put-downs especially when I'm stuck in the car with him. Never talked about later and never an apology - apparently I'm supposed to just "Move on" from such incidents without further comment. And it's always about his agenda. He hardly ever talks with me or listens to me about something I'm interested in or gives me any opportunity or encouragement to initiate or develop a conversation.

Basically, it's all about him, and always has been.

I have teenage DC's. I feel rather stuck too. I want to give them a happy and settled childhood. If I stay the course I've got about another ten years. Can it be improved ? What to do for the best ? I also feel both financially and practically somewhat dependent on my partner, and I do find parenting the children easier as a partnership than on my own - I feel I know this as he sometimes works away from home for short periods and I find that even harder.

Sorry, I should probably start my own thread, but it struck such a chord OP, I hope you won't mind the slight distraction. In fact, hoping you'll feel the solidarity of shared experience as I did reading yours.

All best wishes to you as you make the best choices you can on life's difficult path for you and yours x

Blimey OP, the man acts like a toddler.

You should have told him to go fuck himself years ago.

It is vile having to live like this.

You don't have to put up with cockhead men. It is not a failure on your part if you split up. Why chose to be miserable, on edge, waiting for the next criticism that you then have to reconcile to be able to survive?

Do you think the alternative of being on your own is so bad? That is also brainwashing, designed to keep you where you are. If only women realised how capable they are, how they don't need to put up with this. If you strip it all back, you would probably come to the conclusion that the 'support' he gives you in your life is absolute zero, and the only thing he offers is crap.

Actually love, you are being a sap

After yesterday's toddler tantrums you docilely made his breakfast and ran backwards and forwards with "alternatives" for his medication

Actually, I wouldn't do that for a toddler, because you would get calls of "making a rod for your own back" wouldn't you ?

Think about it.

A toddler has an excuse...he does not.

It is true OP, erm, couldn't he get his own fucking medication?

When you hear people say that they would tell their OH's to shove it up their holes if they spoke to them the way your DH does, do you believe them?

And can you ever imagine telling him to go fuck himself when he complains about the dinner?

Okay, he's not beating you up - but this is death by a thousand cuts. He's just sucking the joy out of your life. I definitely agree with Lundy Bancroft - you'll get to understand that your H is carving out a very nice life for himself, getting you to cater to his every whim, simply because he's quite happy to make you miserable.

Assuming you will leave him, I think you're sensible to think about the timing. I suggest the following with caution - you are better placed to decide - but do you think it would be appropriate to talk to your dd and tell her that you intend to leave her father and would she prefer you to stay on for a few months while she sorts out university, or get it over and done with now? It's important that you emphasise that it's your decision to leave, so she is not responsible for such a heavy decision, but this is merely a consultation over timing.

To the posters who are trying to give their children a "happy normal childhood" and spend their lives papering over the cracks.

Please, please research the effects of living with so called "low level" abuse on them. You may decide that actually what they need is a healthy and happy (though broken) home for their present and future happiness.

the dinner should have been put straight in the bin

the "headache" should have been utterly ignored

he should have been invited to fetch his own tablets

this is just a small snapshot, OP, about how to stand up for yourself

unfortunately, it sounds like you need a masterclass

better still though, remove the source of it, everybody's a winner

you don't get used as if you were a domestic servant and he can look after himself to his own ridiculously high standards, in his own spotlessly clean bedsit

win/win

I don't go along with your daughter applying for Uni getting fucked up because you start to stand up for yourself

it's an excuse you are using to keep the status quo

You are currently doing what is expected according to some unwritten, unspoken rule-book. Even so and you are doing everything 'expected'....he's not happy...he will never be happy....nothing will ever be good enough for this guy.

So why not...stop. Just stop a few things initially. It will free up some of your time and won't make any difference to how grumpy he is. You are not responsible for the way he feels btw...he is. At the moment you're doing far too much for him...and he doesn't appreciate it and it doesn't make him happy. So what is the point?

Headache pills - in the cupboard
Breakfast - plenty of bread in the bread bin...cereal is out...help yourself

Oh and by the way bestfriend and I are planning a birthday drink later. We'll be back late. You ok to watch the kids? Great.

Worth a try?

lovely DD, who is very understanding and knows that DH gets into these moods

It concerns me what's behind that statement. 'Understanding' as in if she opens her mouth, he'll abuse her too? She's already become accustomed to him 'getting into these moods' and she now sees it as normal, it's just what he does and you all have to live with it?

Do his moods, sulking, demands, verbal attacks etc extend to your daughter as well?

DD had a real go at him for being horrible to me

What was his reaction to her saying this?

Or do as AF suggests and get shot of him altogether. Sounds like an energy-sapping, waste of space to me. I had one of those...in fact your OP reminded me a bit of how I used to be.... down to the detail of the headache pills. Thankfully I'm well rid now...and absolutely no regrets.

And again from my personal experience....my relationship with my DD much improved since I split from her dad. She respects me a lot more i feel now that I'm not putting him first all the time, letting him push me about and pandering to his every whim. It can be good for the girls to see their mums take control I believe.

Thanks ladies... I know I'm making a rod for my back right now with my toddler (friends know him as my 3rd child!) and Juggling, all sympathies... stay strong! I think if you can stand back and laugh a bit at the situation it really helps.

There is a big factor here at play and it's this: he earns all the money. What I'm really doing by smoothing things over is planning my (exit) strategy-- I'm not in the mood to have a huge fight right now... he feels that housework etc is not of any worth, any job I've had he's made fun of, and he 'forced' me to quit the last one saying that the kids should be my priority (one doing v well at uni now and other about to go) and the saving grace is that he's done well in his business over the past few years, the mortgage is paid off and we don't struggle now like we did in the early years when I worked full time as well. I can totally despise him but then I see £££k go into the account and suddenly I like him more... sorry just trying to be honest with myself here a) I know this is about as anti-womens lib as it can get on my part but my being 'at home' has positively contributed to the kids success so far and b) the money will dry up soon as the good times are now over it seems. So that will change the balance of power, I need to get a job but in my line of work they're thin on the ground right now.

True re: the thread title, I was not trying to be alarmist but its only recently that I've seen that 'emotional abuse' is a thing in its own right rather than a precursor to domestic violence. It's the low-level nagging that I've put up with for years, it runs in his family they are never pleased with anything he does, never gave him any credit for doing well and having BIL here last week exacerbates his feelings of inadequacy I think (not that BIL is doing well by any stretch of the imagination but just to remind DH that he's related to someone with as far as I can see no redeeming qualities whatsoever and who's happy to take take but never says 'thanks' or 'golly you've got a nice house/kids/office/wife') anyway every once in a while I do get an overwhelming rush of pity for DH, I've spoken to Women's Aid and our GP about his erratic behaviour (I wondered at one point if he might have a brain tumour as that would be a nice explanation for why he's so terribly bad tempered all the time) and the only advice I feel I get is to leave... I really feel that having kept it together for the kids was the right thing in our case but of course I'll never know. And I do talk openly to the kids about how unfair he's being (to me or others) and hopefully that has mitigated the worst of the damage-- I think self-knowledge is key here. Not sure where I was going with this but will post anyway... DH downstairs still. I'll get the hoover out and pretend I;ve been doing housework!

You've read the bit about financial abuse, right?

PS he responds much better to DD than me! with regards to the dinner, she was a 3rd party and as she clearly took my side he was caught off-guard. I don't think she's too scarred by it... but of course I don't think it's right to 'use' her in this way.

I'll get the hoover out and pretend I;ve been doing housework!

I give up.

AF... I was kidding? I'm sitting here seething... will go down and confront him.