Bizarroville!! PoshBoys, Muppets, Surgeons, nurses, coffee addicts and RL - dating thread 27!

[lubeybooby]

Roll up roll up get yer dating chat here... all kinds of dating...

Online, RL, established, new, join in and blether away!

No, him being a bullshitter doesn't mean he didn't like you or didn't enjoy your company. That is NOT what that means.

What it does mean is all his words about OD and all that could have been bullshit.

Or it could have been perfectly true, but he was multi dating.

Have I told you all about airport wanker?

He was a perfect example of how someone can appear lovely and be lying to your face. Caught him at the airport going on holiday with another woman, just days after he was telling me he would never cheat because he loved me and because of health issues as in STI's. That was after a 7 month relationship. He had said it was a boys holiday with his mate pete. I told the woman her name must be pete.

Anyway!

I don't for one second think that means he didn't actually like/love/fancy me though he just wanted the have his cake and eat it thing.

Sponge - it doesn't HAVE to mean that at all. The fact he wanted the second date, held your hand, talked for hours, means he liked you. At least enough to want to see you the second time. As I said earlier, no one can know why LC acted the way he did, possibly not even him.

If I go on a first date with someone, if it's going well I'll be gentlemanly, link arms whatever. Holding hands is a more vulnerable thing to do, what happens if they don't want to take your hand back? No one will generally do that unless they like the person they're with. The fact that he was nice and charming and obviously DID like you, just causes all the more confusion when he disappears, because of some reason we can't know. This is not down to you. This is down to LC's personal failings. People can be lovely, and likeable, and genuinely like you, and really actually want that third date until for whatever reason they stop wanting it. How they act on that shows how grown up and empathic they are. LC might have genuinely liked you but for whatever screwed up reason he dropped off the face of the earth. Maybe he doesn't even know why.

That's the root of one of my major frustrations with dating, realising that people can be lovely and then act like arseholes when you've got to trust them a bit.

What bantam said ^

Hatesponge, I've dipped in and out of these dating threads for a long time. I've posted ocassionally for support and always got it but I always try and keep up to date on what's going on with you all. I really hate the way you are down on yourself. One, two, three, four dates on - they are just dates. I take all they say with a big pinch of salt regardless of whether I want to believe it or not. Dates are just ocassions when people start to get to know each other. Either party can walk away, and in my experience some of the nicest of men are probably the shitest at being honest and saying, "I enjoyed time with you but no spark, Concentrate, wish you luck". It's all we need and it's what I say when I can see no future in anything. Men are like peacocks; they like to display their feathers and strutt their stuff to impress and many of them believe their own PR. I think daters have to be extremely emotionally resilient and if you are reminding yourself regularly of your worth, it may be that you need a bit of time to consolidate that so you "feel" that deep down. I hope you don't mind me posting this but I do so hate the way this drags you down. Hope you are OK! x

Sponge, ok - don't go for my PA response but why not just text him and ask him why

I would, just say you're really puzzled by his behaviour and you actually find it hurtful. Be honest. The worst he will do is ignore it. If he answers, you may get an answer or excuse. You can then close the case

We are all still dating on here, some of us have been single as long as you and longer. I get round this by having very casual affairs but others just get on with single life.

It isn't you being terrible or horrible or unattractive, it's just life. Look how many on here have had a few dates and then realised the person wasn't what they wanted - this isn't because the people they were dating had something wrong with them - it was just because the other person wasn't right for them

You really do have to stop judging yourself on how these people behave, it isn't you - it's just, for whatever reason, the partnerships aren't working

And for what's it's worth, I wouldn't contact him. I know we all have our own view on it but one of my worst internet dating experiences was I guy I had contact with for over a year. I gave him a couple of chances when he did disappearing acts as I knew he was coming to terms with a terrible accident and personal loss. He contacted me again over a year ago now and against my better judgement, I listened to his sob story, empathised with him, tried to support him. Went out with him and as soon as we had been intimate, which took us the year I might add, he ran away. I contacted him by text to tell him how disappointed I was in him and I got nothing back at all so given my time again, I would not contact.

I really don't believe there was no spark. There very obviously was. I also don't believe he was dating anyone else. I don't believe that he could look at those dates and think oh it was ok but it wasnt quite good enough. Because those dates could not have been better. I don't care if that makes me stupid or deluded. I am quite probably both.

I just wish I had something from him. However trite or pathetic.

I'm not sure if it's ever possible to truly know why people do what they do...we all have unique, complex, multi layered internal worlds which no-one else can access.
People often do things which seem irrational, to others as well as to themselves

I've frequently tied myself in mental knots wondering why someone did what they did, sometimes, years later it all looks a bit clearer, but only a bit.

You cant ever really know, even if someone tells you, and it makes sense you'll never know the whole, inside, story.
Just an edited version.

Sponge, why dont you want to belueve the negative about him.
By placing him on a pedal stood you are automatically putting your self to blame .

Why isnt it possible he was mutidating?

I wouldn't text him personally. I think the non-response to original text tells you everything you need to know.... Except for the lame-arsed excuse. Keep your oxygen for someone who deserves it.

Nothing to do is fine. Have some nice me time. Make a cake, clean the house until it sparkles. Read a book. Watch a film (not richard Curtis!)

I have rigoursly planned non-voldie schedules - my Saturday will involve deep-house cleaning and then a long hot scrubby bath, depilation, facial, eyebrow & chin hair plucking, paint my nails, read the Saturday papers, bit of internet, will pop to the shops even if it's a bit of an effort (not the local shop that voldie might frequent, the next furthest that he won't) pick up my champix perscription (because cogarettes are the next thing to cut out of my life) watch Harry potter or doctor who and then cook a really nice meal, which I will have with some might do a notebook page.

I don't think bottling-it-up is healthy...but at the same time I don't think it does me, at this stage (& it's a different situation and a different stage to you) any good to keep going over it. I can accept things weren't what I though they were. I don't like being wrong, but I can accept when I am and move on. This will come for you as well...and you will be happy, because that's the best kindness you can do for yourself. When you continue to allow yourself to be hurt by someone else's actions, then they are winning. Don't let them win. I know it isn't easy, but you are your own best friend right now, so be kind to yourself. :)

Emerging from lurkdom to say:

Sponge, being an inconsiderate twat doesn't mean a bloke's got bad taste. It's perfectly possible, in fact likelier than not, that he liked you and fancied you and enjoyed your company. Unfortunately he happened to also be a bit of an arsehole flakey.

Doesn't make you stupid or deluded at all, sponge - we've all been in that situation - or at least most of us have, where things have been going great, butterflies in the stomach, feeling like there's a real connection, and then they just disappear. It's not a sign of delusion. It's human nature to want the best from people.

Either they're sociopathic and extremely good at showing what you want to see, which is unlikely. Or there is mutual projection, as someone said earlier, which is just being human. we look for something great which suits us, we think we're finding it, and it goes wrong with no explanation.

I can understand wanting closure. I don't think doing it in a passive aggressive way is the best way, it's unlikely to make anyone feel better. I mailed Historian and asked for my own benefit if I'd done anything wrong specifically, and wish I hadn't. You could just send a text saying 'I had a lovely week, it was lovely spending time with you. I was hoping things would work out but obviously you have other things on your mind. hope your willy drops off Good luck. '

And you're unlikely to get a response from that, if he hasn't responded to your texts so far he's unlikely to respond to that. Some switch has gone off in his brain, for whatever reason, and he may feel guilty about telling you he doesn't want the third date, but he's not going to do it now.

Snape - watch out for the Champix. I was on it few years ago and it gave me homicidal mood swings - wanting to kill people who cut me up on the road and stuff. Scared the crap out of me and I stopped pronto.

Snape, thats a very good post

I agree.

( and i think you are doing so well with it all. In a while the day will come when you realise you havent thought about him for a few days. Then it will be a week and it gets less hard. And at somepoint you will have healed )

Hi sponge, I'm posting just for you because I had pretty mucch the same thing happen to me about 4 months ago. I still can't explain it, I still wonder about it, the disappointment of what should've or could've been has died down somewhat but it still puzzles me. I also didn't get any closure and unfortunately that still doesn't make me think any differently of how lovely the few hours we spent together.

All I can take away from it now is the belief that kind of connection can happen...I'm not holding my breathe though! :)

I don't believe he was seeing anyone else, and if he was (which I don't believe he was) I don't think its at all likely he could have liked them more than he did me, or have had more of a connection, or whatever you want to call it, with them than me. I've been on enough bullshit crap dates to know when something's different, and this was. And it's not me projecting, I didn't go on our first date thinking he was the one, I wasn't even expecting there to be any attraction. but there was, and it was mutual.

But that's it anyway, I'm done with dating in all forms. I think I'd rather feel nothing than as sad as I do now.

Right now there's nothing I can think of to do that will make me feel happy. Normally chocolate, or shopping, or going out and getting drunk will cheer me up, but I don't want to do any of it. The only things I want is a hug from one of my parents, or some sort of text (whatever the content) from LC. And all are equally impossible.

bant I already want to kill people who pay for their shopping in 2p pieces despite me emptying my money jar into the self service check out, because then I don't have to give coin star their 6% so champix will hopefully have the reverse effect. ;-)

No, it's fine. I was on zyban a few years ago, which really helped and I'm actually feeling in a fairly good place mentally (somewhat surprisingly, despite the stresses, which I recognise as stress and not a return to depression) I don't need cigarettes, I don't want to need cigarettes and I'll be very self-aware and join a smoking thread on good old MN. Anything dodgy and I'll be off to lovely GP.

Thursday date with Sirius black moved up to tomorrow afternoon. We're going to buy cake. :)

Sponge, then what would you like us to say?
That it is you?
You drove him away?
You arent attractive enough?
That your personality is so awful he couldnt stand it?

I dont get it you seem to want to blame yourself adamant to in fact.

That it couldnt possibly be him. It must be you

Do you not see how insane this is?

( i dont want to be harsh, but he isnt what he seemed)

No, it wasn't me. I might have thought that if I'd not heard from him post date 2, but I did, so I don't think theres anything I did wrong, or should or could have done differently - he still wanted date 3. he was still in touch. so whatever it was, whatever went wrong, it wasn't me.

I don't know what I want anyone to say, there probably isnt anything which can make me feel any better right now or stop me thinking about it all.

I do believe he was what he seemed for all of the time I was with him, I might be wrong but I have to trust my instincts.

now i feel bad.

look, whatver you believe to have happened the facts are:

You had a great first date
he stepped out of line and asked for a naked pic
you had a great second date
he declinded your offer for a third date
he stopped replying to your texts
he has vanished off the face of the earth.

Those are the facts.
You cant over rule by chooseing not to believe it and beating yourself up about it.
They happened.
Noone of them are your fault.
He is an arse for not having the common decency to tell you.

and thats the end of it.
Going round and round, beating yourself up, getting more and more upset is not going to change those facts.

Hes not worth it,if he was he wouldnt have behaved that way.

Im really sorry this happened, and im sorry to have been harsh. i just want you to see it for what it is, rather than blaming yourself. Its not you.

good, you dont think it was you.
then stop beating yourself up.
Dont waste time crying over someone that isnt crying over you.

be sad for a few days, be nice to yourself. then pick youself up and get on with it.
:)

( and thats said with love)

Arghh, sponge I wasn't going to get involved in this because you really don't need one more opinion!! But I've always been shit at keeping my mouth shut so here goes (and Bantam apologies in advance if I've got this wrong).

You and LC are really no different than Bant & the Saffrican. They had a great (if stupidly expensive) first date. He thought she was fun and attractive and really wanted to see her again. They had a great second date that involved a certain amount of nakedness & kissing. He still thought she was fun & attractive but he also realised she wasn't quite right for him. Now from what little I know, Bantam seems like a pretty stand up guy. And even then it took a lot of prodding from us to get him to send that text that said, "sorry, it's not working". With no one looking over your shoulder it is just far too easy to simply NOT. SEND. THAT. TEXT. That's all. No big mystery.

I'm really sorry it's caused you such heartache, truly I am. So spend a day feeling sorry for yourself - it's totally allowed. Eat chocolate, drink wine, have some retail therapy, whatever. And then write him off.

Snape - thought you weren't giving him a proper name until you'd met?

Sponge, so you're done with dating - ok, you can turn that into a good thing. A positive thing for you. Because you can guarantee that won't be forever (even if you feel like it right now)

So, now while you are not interested in dating, and will be having time out anyway, take the time to get yourself out of such an insecure and vulnerable place. Whatever that may take. Counselling maybe - I think CBT could really help you change those awfully negative thought processes. Maybe anti depressants. There comes a point where being down is more than just being down, and if you feel the way you said on your fb status, that's a bit worrying and maybe indicates being at the bottom of a dark hole you need a little help to be able to climb out of.

Do what is necessary to get you to a point where, if you do date again, or if you meet someone in RL, you won't be vulnerable to feeling like this and so down because of the possible vanishers and eejits of this world. And you won't grab on to nice attention and hold it so dearly, and be attached, and risk not seeing or ignoring red flags. I'm not saying you have - just that while you feel like you do, you risk that happening. And if you just take time out from dating and don't use that time positively and then go back to it, you could find yourself in an even worse place mentally and the cycle repeating and repeating if you are then still unfortunate enough to encounter the knobbers of online dating.

At this point, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain by using some time out to really work on these things.

Actually my situation couldn't be more different and I take not one crumb of comfort in the comparison. I actually find it quite insulting and belittling, although I'm sure it wasnt meant to be.

Chocolate and shopping and alcohol won't make me feel any better. There is no putting a brave face on and getting on with it, I can't and won't, for the foreseeable anyway.

There's no point in therapy or that stuff, not for me (no offence to anyone who finds it helpful, but I know from work it's far from a cureall) I don't have the time or money for it, and I doubt it would make any difference, it can't magically give me what I don't have and will never have. It can only make me think I should be happy making do with what I've got, but I can't be.

Yoga no apologies needed - the difference here though I think is that I didn't do the hand-holding and talking about a connection and stuff with Safrican. I knew it wasn't right and she was too full-on and scatty from even before I met her but thought I'd give it a chance and see if it got better - which it did, there was chemistry. I was more keen on the nurse to be honest, but thought I'd give her a second go due to the obvious spark, to see if she calmed down a bit.

I've sent the dump text before, (even without you lot sitting looking over my shoulder), and I've been on the receiving end of them, and both are difficult for different ways. I should have dropped her after the first date as I knew inside it wasn't going to work. But I think I didn't make any promises or talk about the connection we had.

I think it would be good if there was an ethical dating website where you signed up to a code of conduct - 'I will not date and dump, I will not disappear without giving a reason' and if you do it you get a mark against your name. That way people will act ethically, with etiquette and not cause all the bollocks that goes on. It may not guarantee success but at least you know you won't end up in these situations, or at least not as often.

Hey - there's a business plan for you.