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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Victims of affairs.

54 replies

Pickles77 · 05/11/2012 07:32

This is for my friend who has found our her DH has been having a affair with a work colleague. I've told her no & to wait, that it's not worth it erc but she would like to know :

how many of you have spoken or contacted
the OW?
How many of you already knew the OW?'
How many of you tried again with your marriage? And if so how you got him back
And finally,

How many stayed with the OW & if it worked out?

Be gentle please. (shes on my log in today)

OP posts:
MirandaWest · 05/11/2012 07:36

XH had an affair

I haven't ever spoken to or contacted the OW although was tempted to (also tempted to contact her DP of the time)
I didn't know the OW although I knew of her as XH worked with her
I thought we were trying again with our marriage (we had counselling) but we separated 5 months later. Should have done it earlier.
XH is still in a relationship with the OW nearly two years after I found out about the affair. And things honestly are fine.

CogitoErgoSparklers · 05/11/2012 07:41

I never met my exH's OW... wasn't her fault he was unfaithful, it was entirely his. I knew her by name only because she was an old flame from before we met 12 years previously. We gave it another shot but a) his heart wasn't in it and b) after a week or two I realised I didn't want to spend my life with a miserable bugger (he'd always been miserable) that I couldn't trust either. As far as I know, he went on to marry the OW and have 2 DCs. Poor cow.

In one way it was a mistake to let him back in my home after he'd walked out the first time. In another it was cathartic... showed me exactly what I didn't want in a relationship. Tell your friend that there are far worse things than being single... and being with a faithless man is one of them

MadAboutHotChoc · 05/11/2012 07:43

Tell your friend to get Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends - it is highly recommended on here.

She needs to post on here to get specific help and support.

MadAboutHotChoc · 05/11/2012 07:47

Also if your friend wants him back, her only chance is to throw him out - reality will then hit him, away from his family and home comforts.

She then needs to start re building her life - work, hobbies, friends and get legal advice. She will then feel stronger and in a position to make the right decision for her future should he come back begging for forgiveness.

Leftwith3 · 05/11/2012 08:00

I sent an email to the OW and the previous "sexually generous" lady my husband slept with. I suggested they start a club together: "xxxxx's sexually generous ladies club". Childish but it made me feel better.

I tried again with the marriage the first time he slept with another woman and we went to Relate which wasn't that useful as they weren't interested in helping me get over the affair only what led up to it. He begged me not to leave him and like a fool I didn't.

Forward wind 10 months and i find an email to a girl in his office telling her that he's loved her for so long (though she only started ten weeks before that). My husband says he's in love with the latest OW and doesn't want to come back to the marriage.

He left to live with her.

Not sure if they're going to work out and to be honest I don't care. Any man who can cheat on his wife when she's pregnant and again when she's just given birth is not worth my time.

Abitwobblynow · 05/11/2012 08:09

Hi, tell your friend that the OW is not the problem. The husband is. It is HIS way of thinking, his immaturity, his sense of entitlement, his selfishness, his resenting the responsibilities of commitment (marriage) that is the problem.

An affair is a fantasy. It is not real.

The hostility and issues outlined above, are not fantasies. They are real, they avoid issues, they ensure that someones' needs for an easy life are fulfilled no matter what and they belong to you and your husband.

Good luck, it hurts so much, log in and get support.

Leftwith3 · 05/11/2012 08:12

Well said wobbly!

TheLateMrPamuk · 05/11/2012 08:16

Ime the ow won't give a shiny shit. She will think she has rescued your friends H and he will probably have told her a lot of bullshit such as poor him in a loveless marriage. Hmm
The ow in my case told me it was a shame my dc had me as a mother and I received about 50 abusive messages from her she also turned up at my home and kicked off in front of my dc when my stbxh left her after promising her the world and then trying to come home when he realised I wasn't going to cry and fight for him.
I never contacted her once but she was still convinced I was this abusive madwoman.

TheLateMrPamuk · 05/11/2012 08:16

And what wobbly said.

solittletimeandsomuchtodo · 05/11/2012 08:17

How long since discovery? OP?

ErikNorseman · 05/11/2012 08:20

I contacted the OW and she pretended not to care less. She gave him shit about it but so what. He ended it, we tried to carry on, failed. He didn't contact OW again when we split, she meant nothing really.

Original poster
Pickles77 · 05/11/2012 08:30

Only a few weeks Confused

OP posts:
bisybackson · 05/11/2012 08:32

I never contacted the OW - felt there was nothing to be gained from it. She knew he was married with children and it didn't make any difference to her.

We are trying to make our marriage work but we are by no means out of the woods yet.

Good luck to your friend, OP.

PopMusicShoobyDoobyDoA · 05/11/2012 09:05

My XH had an affair and left (I kicked him out). As far as I know they are married with children and still together. I never tried to contact the ow but I do remember she wanted to talk to me because he gave the phone to me once (pathetic man), I told her to fuck right off, who was she to me? They had met through work.

The ow is not the problem , it's your husband. It was his choice, his decision, his actions. It's a classic thing of blaming the ow because you can't face being angry at your husband. It must be her fault. Actually, no it's not.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It's devastating. I couldn't breathe for a long time, it actually hurt. I had a weight on my chest, a gagging lump in my throat, and my tummy was in knots.

Get your own login, and start posting. There are a lot of great women here who will give you sound practical advice and a fantastic support system. I could have done with the advice and support when I was going through it myself but unfortunately I did not know about the site then.

Original poster
Pickles77 · 05/11/2012 09:42

I've emailed her, stupidly. It's all gone a bit nasty. She's saying I use my children as a weapon to keep him & I should be lucky that he's in their life. I need to grow up and get on with my life apparently?

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 05/11/2012 10:32

Remember that he will have been feeding her all kind of crap and rewriting history. I also think she will have told herself a pile of shit in order to justify shagging a married man with DC.

izzyizin · 05/11/2012 10:37

So it's your h who's the lying, cheating, twunt and not your friend's?

Cease all contact with the ow; it really isn't worth engaging with her when she is the symptom and not the cause of your h's behaviour.

Has your h left the marital home? If not, pack his bags, stick a bow on his dick head, and gift him to the ow so she can have a taste of living with a man who can't be trusted to keep his flies zipped.

raskolnikov · 05/11/2012 10:38

After 17 years together, XH moved out to live on his own. The day he came back to ask if we could try again was the day after I had received an anonymous letter telling me he'd been having an affair with a girl (15 yrs younger) at work (I think she wrote it). I didn't let him come back then, but did have regrets on and off. Fast forward 5 years, they have 2 babies and have just got married. I'm still single and am better off without him - he's a lying, narcissistic, selfish, narrow minded workaholic - she's welcome to it.

It would have been beneath me to communicate with her - anyone who knowingly carries on with a married man with kids at home should be ashamed of themselves. She's not worth my time.

ElizabethX · 05/11/2012 10:40

@ pickles

Why so desperate for a confrontation with the OW? It just gives them a chance to gang up on you and be nasty.

Revenge is letting her waste time on such a useless dick of a bloke. What's he going to do now he's with her, change all of sudden? he fucked around on you but she's special is she? is that what he said? and she believed it the gullible silly cow? tee hee!

CogitoErgoSparklers · 05/11/2012 10:41

" I need to grow up and get on with my life apparently?"

There's a lot to be said for that. Not the 'growing up' bit necessarily but definitely getting on with your life. Your argument is not with the OW but with your ex so keep any contact with him. If he wants to play it that opting to stay married and maintain family life with his children was some kind of arduous chore, he sounds pathetic.

ElizabethX · 05/11/2012 10:41

@ raskol

It would have been beneath me to communicate with her

+1

raskolnikov · 05/11/2012 10:51

Pickles - I feel for you - its shit. However, if he doesn't want to stay, nothing you do will change his mind. You'll feel better if you try and maintain a strong, determined front (and believe me I know how hard that is). I wouldn't communicate with her at all, who cares what she thinks? Of course he'll have spun her a line, but the best you can do now is look after yourself and your kids. He may not be up to behaving like a responsible parent but you are. Show him you can manage without him (you will be able to), surround yourself with friends and family who'll look after you and care about you and let him see what he's missing.

Original poster
Pickles77 · 05/11/2012 11:01

Sorry no its not pickles h, I'm her friend using her log in I should get my own really.

OP posts:
raskolnikov · 05/11/2012 11:05

Hi pickles friend - I hope you're ok. Its a horrible thing to be going thru - do you want to tell me more about it?

Original poster
Pickles77 · 05/11/2012 11:13

It's just that really, he'd been having an affair with a collegue whilst I'm at home with the children. I just wanted to know whether to contact her because I know her Hmm and thought she was okay.
Thank you to everyone on here it's really helped I'm just very Angry right now!

OP posts: