Victims of affairs.

[Pickles77]

This is for my friend who has found our her DH has been having a affair with a work colleague. I've told her no & to wait, that it's not worth it erc but she would like to know :

how many of you have spoken or contacted
the OW?
How many of you already knew the OW?'
How many of you tried again with your marriage? And if so how you got him back
And finally,

How many stayed with the OW & if it worked out?

Be gentle please. (shes on my log in today)

[BethFairbright]

I think the point that often gets missed on these threads is that the OW is frequently stupid enough to blame the man's wife instead of the man himself. But OW who are nasty and spiteful to wives aren't just stupid, they're contemptible.

[Pickles77]

Yes Beth that's what I think too

[CogitoErgoSparklers]

She probably is OK. OWs generally do not have three heads. However, because you probably still think you love your husband and you have no corresponding feelings for the OW, she's easier to get angry with.

[raskolnikov]

Sadly you're wrong - she's not ok and her comments to you are far from ok and show her to be a selfish, inconsiderate cow.

I'd have nothing to do with her. She's not worth it.

Did your H tell you about it or did you find out? What does he say now?

[BethFairbright]

She is not okay. Any woman who's been sleeping with someone else's husband has no right to be cruel and nasty to the woman who's done her no wrong. The wife is not her enemy. The man is. She might be stupid but she doesn't have to be cruel and take her failure as a human being out on the wrong person.

[CogitoErgoSparklers]

She may have no right to be cruel and nasty but, when directly challenged and backed into a corner, people tend to get defensive.... The OP's (or their friend's) argument is not with the OW but it's a lot easier to get angry with someone you don't have a relationship with than with the person you want to believe has been lured away against their better judgement and who you'd like to walk home again saying it's all been a terrible mistake. It's displacement.

[Pickles77]

She's threatening to beat me up? DH started having an affair with her when I was 5 weeks pregnant. So I think I have a right to be angry only just finding out by snooping when my boy is 5 months old?

[Looksgoodingravy]

I messaged two of the OW, the one he shared a kiss with and the one who gave him a bj!

At that time (rightly or wrongly) I felt a strong desire to make them aware that I knew about them. To this day I'm glad I did, not for everyone I agree but for me and my circumstances I'm glad I had my say! I didn't go in all guns blazing (hard) but it was good to let off steam (as I'd done to my dp) as they were 50% accountable imo for the mess. It's interesting that I had two totally different reactions from them. One was just vile, I hope to never have the misfortune to meet her.

Six months on dp and I are still together. It's been a long, hard road to travel. It's been a huge rollercoaster ride, full of high emotion and one I wouldn't ever want to go through again. We are still riding the waves, at the moment I'm feeling good, dp has shown true remorse and I've built on my shattered self esteem.

Trust is going to be the hardest thing to build but it's something I'm determined to try and build.

For me nothing will hurt me in such a way again!

[raskolnikov]

Ignore her, she knows she's done wrong and she's on the defensive.

Do you have other DC?

So this has been going on for over a year. He hasn't moved out. Maybe she was a convenient plaything for a while. What does your H say about it all now? What do you want to happen now?

[BethFairbright]

FFS look at the rubbish that's being spouted here. So many apologies for the OW being backed into a corner and getting defensive and so little understanding for what is in fact righteous anger towards a woman who has done wrong. Madness.

The OW's anger with the man's wife is the most displaced of all.

If the OW is threatening to beat you up and you've got evidence of that on e mail, phone the police.

[CogitoErgoSparklers]

"So many apologies for the OW being backed into a corner and getting defensive and so little understanding for what is in fact righteous anger towards a woman who has done wrong"

Threats of violence obviously turn this into a police matter. But it's not "apologising for the OW" to point out that the anger should be with the husband. We've been told NOTHING whatsoever about the husband in the middle of all this. He's gone to ground, is saying nothing, doing nothing & is probably thoroughly enjoying seeing these two women slug it out over him.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Urgh at the thought of his ego being massively boosted at the thought/sight of these two women fighting for him.

[CogitoErgoSparklers]

Exactly.... massively boosted ego and more justification that 'I was right to leave'. The exH and his OW are well-suited and the OP (even though it'll be a while before they appreciate this) will be better off having neither in her life rather than engaging on any level.

Detach, detach, detach OP .... take some time out, be with friends, stay busy, resist the temptation to get in touch and, ultimately, let your solicitor do the talking.

[Pickles77]

He's gone to his mums and is very quiet. Says I was all baby obsessed. Well it was my first
I really don't know what i want.
It's like pickles she's a single mum now but I know what she's been through and she's doing fine but we planned this baby for a long time. I was baby obsessed but I think we have a strong marriage I wouldn't want to throw it away.
I need time to think.
I really need to get my own log in.
I'm off for a while now to see family but thank you for your help.

[BethFairbright]

Both women should be angry with the man and it's not unreasonable for the one who had no choice in this to be angry with the woman who did have a choice. It's possible to be angry with two people.

What doesn't make any sense at all is for the OW to be angry with the wife. Posts that criticise the wife's displacement and not the more obvious anger displacement i.e that of the OW's are I think coming from a strange place and betray an over-identification with the OW's position and not the wife's.

The best outcome in this situation is for both women to bin the man. It would be impossible to respect a man who got into a relationship with such a vile creature who threatens to beat people up.

[BethFairbright]

Oh just bin him. Men who blame their partners for their infidelity are a complete waste of space. I hope he goes off with that vile woman because they deserve eachother.

[CogitoErgoSparklers]

'Baby obsessed' is usually code for some immature male not realising exactly what being a father means in practice and who is boo-hoo-ing because he's not getting 100% of someone's attention for five minutes..... How old is this charmer?

[AThingInYourLife]

If she's threatening to beat you up she is making herself look like a crazy, unstable bitch.

Rise above it. Behave with dignity and hold your head high.

You have done nothing wrong.

Your H and the silly cow who slept with him are a pair if scumbags. They deserve nothing but disdain.

Keep evidence of her threats.

[CogitoErgoSparklers]

"Posts that criticise the wife's displacement and not the more obvious anger displacement i.e that of the OW's are I think coming from a strange place and betray an over-identification with the OW's position and not the wife's. "

It's not 'betraying an over-identification' to tell a betrayed wife not to contact the OW... We've all been there, we all know how tempting it is to want to do the OW harm or shout at her down the phone. We also all know that it does nothing whatsoever to influence the outcome or... more importantly... make us feel better about ourselves. Maintaining a dignified distance is preferable

[raskolnikov]

Its a shame he couldn't focus on the baby when it mattered, OP. It'll take both of you to keep your marriage together, he can't make excuses, he needs to take responsibility for his actions. Perhaps counselling would help you both to find a way forward. Incidentally, he doesn't sound in too much of a hurry to go to the OW, does he? Maybe that's why she's so upset.

Don't keep contacting her tho', its your H you need to be having the showdown with, isn't it?

[BethFairbright]

Yes but you're concentrating on what you think is the wife's displacement here and not the OW's, which is more obvious and less understandable.

Contacting the OW for some answers is not always a bad idea either. Not all OW are vile and nasty and some will tell the truth to another woman who's being fed a pack of lies. There's nothing in this thread to suggest the OP's friend went in all guns blazing either, you've just assumed that. Maybe she just wanted to test out the bullshit she was being told by her partner. She said she had thought the OW was ok and possibly thought she'd be reasonable. There's no defence for what the OW sent back - none at all.

That bit of spitefulness towards the OP's friend was the ultimate in displaced anger. The OP's friend is not the OW's enemy. The man is. And she is an enemy to herself because she had a choice.

[AThingInYourLife]

Until he stops blaming his decision to betray you throughout your pregnancy and during what should have been the most special time in your marriage, the arrival of your first child, you can't even consider staying married to him.

Your marriage clearly was not strong, because a marriage is only as strong as its weakest member and he has shown himself to be a pathetic, inadequate excuse for a husband and father.

You can't make him into a decent human being who doesn't shit all over his family.

He will have have to decide for himself that he wants his marriage back and that he will do whatever it takes to put things right.

Until he does, proceed as though you are divorcing him.

[mutny]

that the anger should be with the husband.

Personally i think the OP/ ops friend has every right to be equally mad at both of them if she so wishes.

[PopMusicShoobyDoobyDoA]

pickles' friend, DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES contact her again.

[Spree]

I found out earlier this year that my H was having an affair.

Like you, I went through an angry phase, I was so angry, I kicked him out & sent him really nasty emails, which I felt he deserved at the time. I also learnt to detach and make plans for my own and my DCs future.

He went through what I now know is a pattern for many cheaters - first, the blaming defensiveness but after several months of living on his own & being a w/end father - he decided this wasn't what he wanted.

To his credit, he underwent very intensive therapy which helped him see why he made the decisions he made.

He is now extremely remorseful and we are working to rebuild our relationship. This isn't an easy path either as I'm still dealing with my anger. It quite often feels like you're sleeping with the enemy but a contrite remorseful partner who does everything he can to help you through this goes a long way towards healing.

I didn't contact the OW, as previous posters have said, it's better to maintain your dignity, she is not worthy of your time.