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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Victims of affairs.

54 replies

Pickles77 · 05/11/2012 07:32

This is for my friend who has found our her DH has been having a affair with a work colleague. I've told her no & to wait, that it's not worth it erc but she would like to know :

how many of you have spoken or contacted
the OW?
How many of you already knew the OW?'
How many of you tried again with your marriage? And if so how you got him back
And finally,

How many stayed with the OW & if it worked out?

Be gentle please. (shes on my log in today)

OP posts:

Looksgoodingravy · 05/11/2012 14:58

I felt composed and in control when I contacted the OW, so I did maintain my dignity, I gave her something to think about!

Ormiriathomimus · 05/11/2012 17:01

Hi
First of all I am not a victim. Of anything. Right, got that off my chest ...

I didn't contact her.
I did know her - she had been to my house and I thought of her as a friend.
He went NC as soon as I found out. As to whether the marriage is going to recover and go the distance? It looks OK but the jury is still out...

Ormiriathomimus · 05/11/2012 17:08

"I've emailed her, stupidly. It's all gone a bit nasty. She's saying I use my children as a weapon to keep him & I should be lucky that he's in their life. I need to grow up and get on with my life apparently?"

Ah well. Perfect excuse to have nowt to do with her then. She sounds a peach....

secretcurry · 05/11/2012 17:39

I did know her, hadn't met her but had talked on the phone a few times.

She contacted me, hoping to persuade me of her absolute innocence in the affair. I listened to what she had to say, most of which was horrible, and didn't say much back. I still sort of wish I had, if only to let her know that I knew an awful lot of what had passed between them and that she was equally guilty.

DH was desperately sorry (I didn't discover it, had no idea, he told me after 3 months) and did everything he could to put us back together, including having nothing else to do with her. We are still together, it has made him grow up (and address issues he had from childhood abuse) hugely.
I would rather I hadn't gone through the pain of an affair for him to reach a point where he was forced to deal with his problems, but it did have a positive effect on us and has changed things for the better.

It never goes away though, you just learn to live with it (and past it) I think.

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