AIBU about DP's friendship with this woman?

[Whatsmyproblem]

In the period between his relationship breaking up and meeting me my DP reconnected wi an ex girlfriend of his from sbout a decade ago. She's a single mum with a DD and he has a DD too (although she's a bit younger). When they dated a decade ago they were only together for 6 months or so and she dumped him.

DP says that nothing happened between them after they got back in touch. He just wanted a female friend to talk to about his break up. DP and I have been together two years now and during that time I guess he's met up with this woman maybe half a dozen times. And they always meet with their DDs because their DDs get on well despite the age difference.

So far so appropriate and non-dodgy. So WHY does it bug me so much?? Yes she's an ex of his, but they dated a very long time ago and she ditched him. I'm pretty certain neither is interested in the other in that way. I guess I just don't understand why they keep in touch. They don't seem especially close, only meeting for play dates a few times a year. Unless they chat a lot via email or on the phone during the day and I don't know about it??

And I'm always excluded from their play dates. Whenever he meets up with her it's like an unspoken thing that I'm not invited. Why doesn't he want me to meet her? Or is it simply that he doesn't have an awful lot of friends (whereas I do) and he likes having time with a friend to himself? To be fair he includes me in almost everything else in his life. Thats why it seems weirder to me that I've never met her.

I've been away for a few days at a wedding (he was invited but couldn't come because of half term child care/handover with ex complications) and in the five days I've been away he's arranged to see her twice. They're taking the kids to a big circus thing tomorrow night and then fireworks and to be honest I'm jealous!

Would you think this was dodgy? Am I justified in being a bit pissed off? Or WIBU to tell him I don't like the idea of him and his DD having cosy nights out with her and her DD the second I'm out of town?

In his defence, he hasn't seen her since July. And there have been plenty of other times when I've been out of town and he hasn't arranged to see her. And as far as I know, in the periods in between them catching up they don't really talk that much at all.

What do you think?

Hi OP

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread, but your post really resonated with me.

Approx 4 years ago, my DH was working closely with a slim, attractive female colleague - including late nights in the office etc. They had a shared interest in that he loves France and speaks fluent French and she is French. She was married with a DD, but she confided in my DH that her marriage was shaky. Then one night after work drinks she tried to kiss him!!

Meanwhile I was stuck at home with a baby and a toddler (22 months between DC1 and DC2) feeling fat and frumpy and jealous. Here's what I did:

1. I did tell him that I found their relationship inappropriate (this wasn't difficult after he told me she tried to kiss him!). But I didn't go on and on about it, and I didn't try to stop him seeing her (I couldn't as they were working on this project together). We had her over a couple of times to visit with her DD, so I definitely did the 'making sure she has met me and realises he is a family man' thing.

1. I took the opportunity to work on our relationship (which had suffered due to the demands of small DC). But not in a desperate 'I'll do anything to keep him' way. I just tried to make sure we talked (sounds like this is a biggie for you), cuddled, had time together in the evenings etc.

1. I put my jealousy to the back of my mind. I believe not trusting someone (while it may be justified) makes it more likely they will stray, as they feel 'well she doesn't trust me anyway'. I focused on our relationship, not theirs.

At the end of the day I can never be 100% sure that he didn't have a fling with her. But the important thing is that I believe he didn't. Now, four years later, she has left the company and moved away. She has also split up with her DH. She and my DH are no longer in touch, and our relationship is strong and happy at the moment. We have DC3 too! I feel like I have won.

Hope some of that helps. Good luck.

Arghh sorry posted on the wrong thread! Was meant to be the new colleague thread. Maybe some of that helps anyway!!

Hi what's, thank you for updating, I'm glad you got an explanation. Fwiw, you sound great, and like you've got your head screwed on!

Interesting to see a male perspective Badlad. I asked my DP outright if he felt weird about me meeting his ex because of the whole sexual history thing and he said yes, that was part of it. And then he went on to say that she was quite a difficult character and not always very easy to get on with. I can be quite outspoken myself whereas he's ultra laid back. So I think he thinks I might think she's a bit of a twat. I guess he tolerates it because his DD gets to have a play mate. And he doesn't get wound up by twattery as much as I do.

I'm only so bothered about meeting her because he was so obviously uncomfortable with the idea of me meeting her. Oddly, I have no interest in meeting his more recent ex and the mother of his child at all.

Anyway, I feel like I'm just repeating myself now. I'm happy with the outcome. And I'm pretty sure I will meet her in the future now that I've told DP how I feel. Thanks for everyone's input!