AIBU about DP's friendship with this woman?

[Whatsmyproblem]

In the period between his relationship breaking up and meeting me my DP reconnected wi an ex girlfriend of his from sbout a decade ago. She's a single mum with a DD and he has a DD too (although she's a bit younger). When they dated a decade ago they were only together for 6 months or so and she dumped him.

DP says that nothing happened between them after they got back in touch. He just wanted a female friend to talk to about his break up. DP and I have been together two years now and during that time I guess he's met up with this woman maybe half a dozen times. And they always meet with their DDs because their DDs get on well despite the age difference.

So far so appropriate and non-dodgy. So WHY does it bug me so much?? Yes she's an ex of his, but they dated a very long time ago and she ditched him. I'm pretty certain neither is interested in the other in that way. I guess I just don't understand why they keep in touch. They don't seem especially close, only meeting for play dates a few times a year. Unless they chat a lot via email or on the phone during the day and I don't know about it??

And I'm always excluded from their play dates. Whenever he meets up with her it's like an unspoken thing that I'm not invited. Why doesn't he want me to meet her? Or is it simply that he doesn't have an awful lot of friends (whereas I do) and he likes having time with a friend to himself? To be fair he includes me in almost everything else in his life. Thats why it seems weirder to me that I've never met her.

I've been away for a few days at a wedding (he was invited but couldn't come because of half term child care/handover with ex complications) and in the five days I've been away he's arranged to see her twice. They're taking the kids to a big circus thing tomorrow night and then fireworks and to be honest I'm jealous!

Would you think this was dodgy? Am I justified in being a bit pissed off? Or WIBU to tell him I don't like the idea of him and his DD having cosy nights out with her and her DD the second I'm out of town?

In his defence, he hasn't seen her since July. And there have been plenty of other times when I've been out of town and he hasn't arranged to see her. And as far as I know, in the periods in between them catching up they don't really talk that much at all.

What do you think?

Toomuch, me too.

But that sounds like you are assuming he is up to no good. The op says that she doesn't actually think there is anything going on.

What's wrong with just trusting the person ou love?

Good Lord do people really think its ok to sneak about and spy on their partners? Surely if their is so little trust that you need to do that the relationship is over anyway.

Missy, exactly

You could always snoop on them, and if you get caught there's a fair chance your problem will be sorted.

Hmm, well I would introduce male friends to DH, because naturally DH comes up alot in conversation, then male friend would know who I was talking about, and I wouldn't want DH to, not not trust me, but to feel annoyed that this other friend is getting so much of my attention and providing me with great friendship and support and he is excluded. He doesn't necessarily like my male friends but at least he can meet them to make that decision.

So OP's DH is not up to no good but imo being a bit selfish and thoughtless. Having a playmate for DD and also another adult to go out with is a good arrangement but he should bring her home occasionally or take DP occasionally I would have thought.

So if he is being a bit thoughtless why can't OP be a bit jealous. Jealous of the female friend not jealous of an affair.

Would you introduce all of your female friends to dh too? Sorry, I don't get this uneasiness. Why would you ewant your dp/h feel that you don't entirely trust them? I don't introduce dh to my friends unless we bump into them. He doesn't own me.

I think all these people talkig of snooping etc are barking. in the OP she says he has met up perhaps half a dozen times in 2 years - that's once every four months, people. Hardly sounds like he is moving moutains to meet her, surely he (or both of them) ould be going to a little more effort if there as something going on?!

I think you obviously have many more friends than I do. Also I am 58 so maybe don't socialise in a way that has loads of friends, just have a few long standing ones from way back so DH knows them. Any newer friends I would call aquaintances from eg yoga, meetups. If I go to the one local pub it is with neighbours, family so everyone knows everyone anyway.

I love how on these threads there are so many smug people ready to jump in with all the baffled faces pondering why on earth people don't just trust their partner.

Like its that simple. I try very hard to trust. I don't want to be untrusting, but of the three relationships I've had, all of them have been unfaithful. One on a rugby tour, one with a close mutual friend, and one with a colleague. I don't think I know a single woman who hasn't been the victim of a cheating partner at some stage.
Whilst it is all in good spirits I'm sure, and OP should trust her partner and not be suspicious... I just can't stand all this simplifying and spluttering over people's (usually justified) insecurities.

Whew, I was thinking I had actually got a bad marriage where we can't trust each other as far as we can throw.

What I was trying to say was it's easier just to be completey open so there is no risk of distrust.

Having been cross-examined I now agree that it is most very very veyr likely that there is nothing untoward in the OP's DP's friendship. And Whatsmy is miffed that they are having a nice time together whilst she is away at a wedding on her own.

However so often on MN Relationship threads any misgivings the OP has turn out to have causes. The spying was largely light hearted but if telling the OP you are jealous is going to cause major trust issues it might be an idea, though not this time, but another time. And not if the next time is 4 months away, I thought OP said they were meeting up twice in 5 days but could have dreamt that.

I have been cheated on in the past, by past partners, that is no reflection on my DH why should he be punished for something another man did?

I don't sit here thinking DH will never cheat on me, I wouldn't be so naive, but if I don't 'let' him have friends, time alone, and I check up on him and spy on him then he is far more likely to go looking elsewhere as he has an insecure, controling, jealous, unhappy wife at home.

OP can't help feeling jealous, but it really sounds to me like this is an issue that has been building up for her over a period of time but she has assumed that her DP knows how she feels rather than talking about it.

Oh absolutely miss I agree 100%!

It's the baffled/ simplified "why on earth wouldn't you be okay with this " type posts that get to me. I don't find them very "sisterly" for want of a less cliched word.

I'm not smug just genuinely don't get it, and think that some posters are projecting their own experiences and insecurities onto the op's situation. Some men are cheating wankers. But its just not healthy to assume that the man you are with is too. I don't feel the need to take time to introduce dh to my friends. I think its unrealistic to expect that all of your needs are met by one person. My best friend is a fella, his dw has never been bothered by me, and dh has never been bothered by him. Why waste time and energy worrying about something so silly?

Woah spying is a bit bananas in this situation I think.

To clarify: DP sees this woman about once every four months and always with their DDs. I suggested he give her a call while I'm away this half term as it would be nice for his DD to have a play date. He met up with her on Thursday and it was then that they made the plan for tonight. So it's somewhat unusual for them to see each other twice on the trot like this.

DP always tells me about his plans to meet up with her. She knows all about me; can obviously see all our cutesy holiday pics on his Facebook, etc. when I've asked him about it in the past he's sworn that she's definitely not interested in him and he's definitely not interested in her. He just likes having a friend with a child roughly the same age as his DD to pay with. I trust him completely.

It bothers me that he does tend to ony make plans with her when I'm out of town or can't make it. I think he gets bored and basically his only two friends in London are her and his male friend who's abroad right now. I never get an invite to things they're doing together. But this can be explained by him wanting some time to hang out with his own friends by himself. I get it. I feel the same about my male friends too.

It seems to me from this thread that on balance, he is being a it inconsiderate and I am being a bit childish and jealous.

To my shame, I feel like making a massive, passive aggressive deal out of this because deep down I am immature and selfish and do a pretty good job of hiding it most of the time. But the rational side of me knows that is VU.

Like i said, I will be a grown up about it. And if he really looks ke he's squirming at the thought of me meetin her then I won't pull any punches about asking WTF is up. I couldn't be arsed with pissing about spying on him or whatever. If he wasn't prepared to be fair to my feelings and make me feel secure, then forget it.

Mayisout, you make an excellent point. I have been with my partner for 20 years and trust him as much as i would trust anyone, i am 99% sure he wont stray, but who knows - you just don't. I absolutely would not want him having a friendship with an EX regardless of whether they are "Just friends" or not. In fact i wouldnt like the sort of friendship the OP describes with any woman actually. Regardless of whether they were having sex now - they have had sex in the past, sex and intimacy is a big thing - it would be a NO from me. I suspect this guy is pretty "its my way or the highway" and the OP doens't feel able to sy that she is uncomfortable with the friendship. I have male friends, but not male friends who i go out wiht on my own. No thanks.

LEM, where did you get that idea? And why can't people be friends after they break up? Its such a childish attitude to take imo.

Op, I think you sound great and have a good handle on this.

thats your opinion - i didn't say people couldnt be friends when they have split up, but a sexual history would make me uncomfortable and i wouldn't like it. But if thats childish, i'll accept the label.

Haven't read the whole thread yet, but this sounds OK to me. I see an old flat mate every now and then and nothing will ever happen between us but I do enjoy his company a few times a year. I enjoy catching up but couldn't imagine seeing him every day. I know he is the same.

Oh my god lucyellensmum I'm sorry for what you've been through but you are very wrong about my DP. He's absolutely the opposite of a 'my way or the high way' kind of guy.

He's so laid back he's almost horizontal.

Agree to disagree

Just noticed, it's november, and your dp hasn't seen her since july!! seriously, stop worrying.

The main reason I dont feel like i can say I'm uncomfortable with the friendship is because I suspect I may be being a bit U.

If I'm brutally honest I think I could be a tad controlling and jealous if I didn't keep myself in check. I would prefer to know what he's doing and where he's going and who he's with all of the time. Because I am nosy and like to know everything.

But I can imagine that if he was the same with me I would absolutely hate it.

So I do have a bit of a double standard going on.

I just need to meet her really don't I? I do remember him saying ages ago that she's quite a stoner - as in smokes a lot of weed. It has crossed my mind before that maybe he's a bit embarassed of her. I dunno. I could be way off the mark there. And while I may be a secretly jealous loon, I'm not judgmental about things like that anyway.

I don't know what I was on about with the stoner thing. Sorry, ignore me. I'm over thinking it now.

Err, thanks for your concern but i haven't been through anything But hey, if you're happy with him having a friendship with an old flame that excludes you then fine. I think that would be my problem, as i say, i have male friends that i made at work/uni but they have become DPs friends too. He doesn't tend to have women friends because he works in a male orientated industry and now works on his own so doesn't have female collegues. But as for friends with an ex, no, i wouldn't like it. Not one tiny bit, a bit like you really, you're not comfortable with it but are questioning yourself rather than raising the issue with your DP. If i have friends, i want them to be friends with my DP too. If i was not wanting my DP to come on nights out, he'd be well put out, and rightly so