AIBU about DP's friendship with this woman?

[Whatsmyproblem]

In the period between his relationship breaking up and meeting me my DP reconnected wi an ex girlfriend of his from sbout a decade ago. She's a single mum with a DD and he has a DD too (although she's a bit younger). When they dated a decade ago they were only together for 6 months or so and she dumped him.

DP says that nothing happened between them after they got back in touch. He just wanted a female friend to talk to about his break up. DP and I have been together two years now and during that time I guess he's met up with this woman maybe half a dozen times. And they always meet with their DDs because their DDs get on well despite the age difference.

So far so appropriate and non-dodgy. So WHY does it bug me so much?? Yes she's an ex of his, but they dated a very long time ago and she ditched him. I'm pretty certain neither is interested in the other in that way. I guess I just don't understand why they keep in touch. They don't seem especially close, only meeting for play dates a few times a year. Unless they chat a lot via email or on the phone during the day and I don't know about it??

And I'm always excluded from their play dates. Whenever he meets up with her it's like an unspoken thing that I'm not invited. Why doesn't he want me to meet her? Or is it simply that he doesn't have an awful lot of friends (whereas I do) and he likes having time with a friend to himself? To be fair he includes me in almost everything else in his life. Thats why it seems weirder to me that I've never met her.

I've been away for a few days at a wedding (he was invited but couldn't come because of half term child care/handover with ex complications) and in the five days I've been away he's arranged to see her twice. They're taking the kids to a big circus thing tomorrow night and then fireworks and to be honest I'm jealous!

Would you think this was dodgy? Am I justified in being a bit pissed off? Or WIBU to tell him I don't like the idea of him and his DD having cosy nights out with her and her DD the second I'm out of town?

In his defence, he hasn't seen her since July. And there have been plenty of other times when I've been out of town and he hasn't arranged to see her. And as far as I know, in the periods in between them catching up they don't really talk that much at all.

What do you think?

He is meeting up with a woman who he has had his cock in and you aren't invited. He tells you about the meetings when the kids are involved.

Blimey Lucy, if you put it like that...

.... You look a bit

He's not secretive about it at all. He always tells me when they've planned to meet up and what they'll be doing.

It's just the implicit non invitation that bothers me. I really don't want to be crazy jealous lady. But I do feel like he should be a bit more sensitive to how I might be feeling about him meeting up with an ex and never inviting me.

I guess I just want to know if you think I'd be justified in telling him I'm not happy with the situation. Or would that be really jealous and controlling?

I do trust him. But as I don't know her at all I'm really not sure of her motives. And I feel like even though I trust him, he's not being as considerate of my feelings as he could be.

It's like he should be joining up the dots and thinking 'my meeting up with an ex might reasonably make Whatsmyproblem feel a bit insecure so the obvious way to diffuse that is to invite her along once in a while and make her secure that there's nothing to worry about'. But he doesn't make that connection.

If she was a friend 'within' the relationship I wouldn't have a problem and even though he tells you he's meeting her he's still excluding you from what should be family time.

Not sure but it seems like he's using DD as an excuse to meet up with her, sorry.

You should be invited along!

I have male friends (a couple who are exes) who I prefer to hang out with on my own (although DP has met them before). I can definitely remember times when I've told DP that I'm meeting up with so and so that evening and the subtext has been 'and you're not invited DP'. And I know that if he had given me a hard time about it then I would've found it really tedious and it would have made me feel a bit controlled.

So I really don't want to be that sort of person. But I do need to raise this issue with him and I suppose I need the right angle to start the conversation. I don't want to go in all guns blazing. But could I say something like 'it would be nice to meet Thingy one of these days. Maybe we should plan something for the Christmas holidays?'.

Or is that too subtle? I could say something like 'I may be irrational but you meeting up with your ex makes me feel a bit insecure. I find it weird that I've never met her and you always exclude me from your meetings. I'd appreciate it if you could understand why I'm threatened by that and take steps to make me feel a bit more secure about the situation'.

Basically I want him to know I don't really like it but without sounding like a jealous controlling loon.

I'm a from a country with a very low divorce rate, where men marry women who will make good mothers but keep having affairs with women they have more in common with.

There are not many divorces because most women stop working to care for the children and are left with no way to survive financially on their own. The society also attaches a huge stigma to divorced women so that makes things even more difficult for the woman who often ends being treated as a slut just because she is no longer married.

I much rather have a husband having a friendship with another woman out in the open than for him to feel he has to bin his female friends as a sign of respect to our marriage.

Looksgoodingravy I really don't think it's that. He only meets up with her when he has his DD for long periods over the holidays and he's a bit stuck for ideas for things to do with her. A play date with his friend and her DD is an easy solution and a treat for his DD.

It didn't used to bother me so much. But like I said, I'm out of town for this wedding and when I spoke to him last night he told me he was planning on going to this fireworks thing tonight and before he even said it, in my head I was thinking 'i bet Thingy and her DD are going too'. And sure enough, the next thing that came out of his mouth was exactly that.

I would've loved to go along to that but obviously I'm in another part of the country right now. It just pisses me off.

'it would be nice to meet Thingy one of these days. Maybe we should plan something for the Christmas holidays"

That sounds lovely and the right approach. Go for it!

And remember, the best way to make a man aware of the suitability of another woman is to make them aware you are jealous, never fails.

I dont see the issue. I see my friends separately (one is an ex, two more had major crushes on me - all male), and dh sees his friends separately too. this has nowt to do with him having "stuck his cock in her" and is about you feeling left out. some other posters are projecting their own insecurities onto you and your situation.

I agree, ask if you can meet up with her, but otherwise, leave him to it. put bluntly, if he is going to have an affair, he will. following him around and/or banning female friends, or exes won't stop it, because he will still be the type of man who will have an affair. and you wont change taht.

Yeah that's all true Blameit.

It's just occurred to me that when DP was wondering aloud what he could do with his DD during half term I was actually the one who suggested he give Thingy a call. Then I go away and it turns out he's called her and now they have these cool plans and now I'm jealous.

I still think I'm justified in being a little bit miffed though. If I suggest we meet with her over the Christmas hols and he doesn't want to, then I'll bring out the big guns.

Definitely suggest meeting up with her, you'll feel 100% better and you'll know how you feel about their friendship more clearly.

you sound really switched on, he might be a bit reluctant, Im always a bit wary if dh joins me when I'm out with my friends. mainly because we are cliquey and he feels left out. which then puts pressure on me to actively include him. maybe just a "invite her round on saturday, I will be at home but flitting about" that way you get to meet her gradually. you might become friends.

Yeah Blameit I'm the same. There are certain friends I have where the dynamic definitely works best when it's just me and them on our own. And I can understand why it might be the same for DP and Thingy. In fact probably even more so because they don't have any friends in common so their only point of interest is each other IYSWIM?

The friends I prefer to keep 'exclusive' are the ones whom I don't share any mutual friends with. Otherwise you end up mixing circles and it can all get a bit weird.

Anyway I digress.

With all that said I think DP could maybe do a bit more to give me extra reassurance since this woman is an ex.

Have you brought it up with him before though?

This may have been building up in your head, whereas he is behaving the way he has always behaved and doesn't realise how you feel about it especially since you suggested them meeting up.

I think inviting her over at some point during xmas is great, it doesn't sound like you are asking or accusing or jealous, just that you are being considerate and inviting his friend over.

So, don't let it grow and grow in your head until it becomes an issue you can't mention to your partner without sounding like you have 'tude! LOL

I'd say the best thing would be to casually ask your partner if he'd like to invite Whatsername and her kid over for dinner one time. The grown ups can eat, and the kids can catch up.... you never know, she might actually be decent!

I think a lot ofb the fear you're feeling is about the unknown - once you'd met her, it may feel safer.

I am friends with an ex - Id never cheat on my current DP anddont even fancy the other guy, but Id never hang out with both of them as I find the whole Ive-shagged-both-of-you thing really icky! Childish? yes. but nothing untoward.
Maybe thats his reason?

Be prepared to be surprised, my ex's ex were so similar to me, we could have been best friends.

I'm a bit weird though, exh's new girlfriend and I used to laugh so much together when we met at mutual friends' do's, we ended up going for coffee and cinema together on the nights exh had DS. Obviously neither of us felt intimidated by each other's presence. To the date, exh thinks we both are bonkers!

Well, lots of options.

Ask her over at Xmas (but DH might just say 'yeah, good idea' but not do it).

Invite her to the house as you are flitting about? Well they could come over even if they are in too close a relationship and you might look slightly unhinged but still not know for sure if anything is going on.

So the bottom line is put on the hoody and spy on them or sit DH down and have a truly honest conversation about you being jealous, not that he is plannig an affair, and see if his reassurances (which will probably include an invitation to meet friend) sort the problem.

May, that all sounds a bit ott and would make the op look like an insecure loon. Why not work on the assumption that he is 100% faithful and there is nothing sinister rather than make a big deal about it?

Is admitting to being jealous making it a big deal?

If it was me I would put on the hoody and spy!!! that way saves any confrontation, unless they are too friendly and you confront later, or you are spotted (or arrested )

I am assuming they are in the park or somewhere where they can be easily watched.

Sitting down and having a full discussion about it is making a big deal, imo. And as for spying on him, what utter tosh.

May, the OP has already said she is away in another part of the country so "spying" isn't an option. Shouldn't be an option in my VHO anyway.

I'd go with the "ask her over for a takeaway during the Xmas hols" approach.

Well the OP needs to know , not just 'oh, well he has agreed that we meet up but he probaby did it just to shut me up' or ' he wants us all to go out but hasn't said when' - is my worry.

But true enough, she should just suggest she joins them and see what happens.

I can read my DH from a hundred feet. It's as if he has GUILTY stamped on his forehead so I would know by how they behaved together what the relationship was. I would not be so sure if I saw them together when I was present as they would change their behaviour. Hence the spying suggestion.