AIBU about DP's friendship with this woman?

[Whatsmyproblem]

In the period between his relationship breaking up and meeting me my DP reconnected wi an ex girlfriend of his from sbout a decade ago. She's a single mum with a DD and he has a DD too (although she's a bit younger). When they dated a decade ago they were only together for 6 months or so and she dumped him.

DP says that nothing happened between them after they got back in touch. He just wanted a female friend to talk to about his break up. DP and I have been together two years now and during that time I guess he's met up with this woman maybe half a dozen times. And they always meet with their DDs because their DDs get on well despite the age difference.

So far so appropriate and non-dodgy. So WHY does it bug me so much?? Yes she's an ex of his, but they dated a very long time ago and she ditched him. I'm pretty certain neither is interested in the other in that way. I guess I just don't understand why they keep in touch. They don't seem especially close, only meeting for play dates a few times a year. Unless they chat a lot via email or on the phone during the day and I don't know about it??

And I'm always excluded from their play dates. Whenever he meets up with her it's like an unspoken thing that I'm not invited. Why doesn't he want me to meet her? Or is it simply that he doesn't have an awful lot of friends (whereas I do) and he likes having time with a friend to himself? To be fair he includes me in almost everything else in his life. Thats why it seems weirder to me that I've never met her.

I've been away for a few days at a wedding (he was invited but couldn't come because of half term child care/handover with ex complications) and in the five days I've been away he's arranged to see her twice. They're taking the kids to a big circus thing tomorrow night and then fireworks and to be honest I'm jealous!

Would you think this was dodgy? Am I justified in being a bit pissed off? Or WIBU to tell him I don't like the idea of him and his DD having cosy nights out with her and her DD the second I'm out of town?

In his defence, he hasn't seen her since July. And there have been plenty of other times when I've been out of town and he hasn't arranged to see her. And as far as I know, in the periods in between them catching up they don't really talk that much at all.

What do you think?

No, that is my belief. I am not projecting my own security in my relationship onto the op. I have said that since (as the op has said) there are no signs he is up to no good then why make a big deal. That is not projecting. That is common sense.

Saying "this is someone he has had sex with, how can you be comfortable with that" and suggesting that she stalk him IS.

I can find the definition for you if you like

Well my belief is that if you feel your DP is too friendly with an ex and goes out without including you or inviting you to meet them. ieThe original post not further info. Then fanny about inviting her round over xmas etc etc etc if you want or just follow them to the park/ cafe or whatever and see how they greet each other. That would be enough to tell if there was anything untoward.

That's my belief and is pure common sense because living with suspicion and jealousy is horrible as can be testified by reading the many tales of duplicitous spouses on MN and getting to the bottom of it as soon as possible is a great idea and good common sense.

Saying this is someone he has had sex with, how can you be comfortable with that and suggesting that she stalk him IS - who said she has had sex with the DP? You must be confusing threads.

I do love a good argument

Lucyellen started it! ;-p

I call that a draw

At the risk of kicking it all off again he has has sex with her May. They dated for about 6 months ten years ago.

I think I'm going to suggest we all get together, tell him it would be nice to meet her finally. And if he acts dodgy about it then I'll cross that bridge if I come to it. But I won't stand for any bollocks.

At the risk of being a turncoat, i think that sounds perfectly reasonable to me OP.

No, LEM said that. "This is someone he has stuck his dick in" or words to that effect.

Stalking someone is not common sense. Its ridiculous and insulting, esp when (as the op has said) there is no reason to be jealous.

I kind of want to call him this eve to see how the fireworks are. But I'm passive aggressively not calling him because I want him to wonder if I'm pissed off with him or not.

That's really shit of me isn't it?

I'm sure he's completely oblivious to it all anyway. A lot of this is in my head.

It's not that I want to chaperone their every outing. It's just that I feel like he's met her enough times now on his own that it's surely time for a 'Whatsmy, meet Thingy, Thingy, meet Whatsmy' meeting. If this 'separateness' goes on for any longer then I'm going to start to think it's weird.

Xpost, op, that sounds perfect. Hope it all goes well.

Ps, apologies for being a bit bolshy, this is one of my pet peeves.

Thanks everybody who's posted and offered their perspectives and advice. I'm glad we're all friends again. We are, aren't we? :)

Hmmmmmm.

If this was my situation I would feel better meeting Thingy.

Just a quote from the Shirley Glass book:-

Rational jealousy should be taken seriously. Sometimes jealousy is not a sign of paranoia but a healthy reaction to valid suspicions. When a not normally jealous partner starts getting suspicious, the jealousy is apt to be based on a threat that is real.

Just something to be aware of if your attempts at meeting his friends are dismissed.

I think a lot of this is in your head and YABU, but it is fuelled by the lack of a meeting with her. I think after all this time is would be reasonable to expect to be able to put a face to the name, then leave them to their meetings with DDs after that.

Be a grown up and admit that you are a bit jealous and that it may be cured by a meeting. Tell him how you are feeling and that you know it is not reasonable but it is how you feel. See how that goes.

OP - I don't think you're unreasonable to feel a bit...weird about it,everyone no matter how "laid back" has a possessive side.

But from the outside looking in,I really think this is one of those things you shouldn't bring up with your husband. Not least because you've admitted yourself that you may be being a bit unreasonable. He sounds like a stand up guy. When all's said and done,if men are getting up to anything extramarital they flat out lie,they don't tell half truths. If he isn't inviting you along it could be because 1) he suspects you won't like her 2) he doesn't think that you want to go 3) he wants a couple of his "own" friends.
Maybe mention a group thing if you do want to meet and suss her out?

I always think men that can stay friends with ex's are fairly good guys. Given the brevity of time they dated for I really wouldn't worry. I'd be less happy about a more recent ex there had been a long term relationship with (because that is what pushes my personal buttons).

I find there is an ever so slight generation gap going on here. Some of the older posters are clearly of the mindset that couples only have friends together and anything else is not okay. Being all of 24 I positively encourage my OH to have friends I don't see because I detest some of them because it's good for a relationship to have some modicum of independence.

Thanks Looksgood. Part of my problem is that I can be quite irrationally jealous sometimes. And I know this about myself. So I dont want to go off on one if I've just invented this issue.

But I will definitely bear that in mind if he doesn't want us to meet.

OP - you posted saying you were going to suggest a group thing whilst I was still typing - great minds think alike? :)

If he says no,then ask him flat out why not, don't say okay and seethe. Makes things far worse (I am a seether)

No, don't admit ti jealousy, it makes ghe woman mire important to his eyes.

Ask him about inviting her, and if he says no, just smile beningnly as if he was an idiot and ask him what is he afraid of. Then let him talk, you can't believe the amount of information you can get from a man by smiling and make him uncomfortable with silence (while you wait for an answer obviously, this us not about sulking, you are the person he has chosen to be with, so let him see you are above her by showing him that you don't care. :-)

Ha Alisvolat I don't have the patience for seething. I'm an exploder! I find it impossible not to say what's on my mind.

MN has been invaluable in the past for letting me vent unreasonably and thus sparing my relationship the ugliness of my jealous and possessive side.

Any update op?

Okay I have an update.

I instigated a chat about thingy today. I didn't do the 'breezy whatevs' suggestion of inviting her over as I'd planned to do.

He was telling me of his plans to meet up with a childhood friend of his and her daughter next weekend. And that led to an opportunity for me to bring up the fact that i felt a bit uncomfortable about thingy and his seeming preference to keep me out of his friendship with her.

We had a chat about trust and appropriate boundaries in friendships, etc. DP is a decent bloke and i do believe 100% that there's nothing dodgy about their friendship other than that it's kept at arm's length from me.

Anyway weirdly, it turns out that my instinct about him being a bit embarrassed about her wasn't far off the mark. After a while DP reluctantly admitted that she can be a bit of a difficult character and that sometimes when they'd been out together with the girls she'd behaved in ways that he felt embarrassed by. He said she's quite stressy and not very easy going. Sulks and huffs if they have to wait in a queue. Is rude to staff in cafes, etc. Why he even wants to maintain a friendship with someone rude and stroppy is up to him I guess. I know he really values the opportunity for his DD to play with her DD.

So, i'm satisfied I understand the reason why he's been reluctant for me to meet her.

I think I probably still will meet her at some point. Although I think DP would find it very uncomfortable as i think he'd feel that he'd be somewhat accountable for any bad behaviour she displayed.

So, all in all a pretty dull update! But I'm quite pleased my instincts were right :)

Hmm - personally, I'd not fall for that. I hope you are right, but it would make it seem even more dodgy to me.

I get why you'd say that but without you knowing my DP, you'll have to take my word for it.

My problem was never that I thought he'd do anything with her behind my back. He only ever sees her when the DDs are present. And he only sees her about once every three months. The rest of the time he's with me or his mum! (He's not a hugely social creature).

My problem was always that I thought it was a bit inappropriate for him to hang out with an ex girlfriend without introducing me to her. And i wanted to get to the bottom of why he wouldn't introduce me to her.

I posted for opinions on whether I was BU about telling him I didnt like the exclusivity of their friendship, simply because she's an ex from ten years ago. Part of me is just straight up jealous. And the other part of me feels like it is a bit inappropriate.

But I never thought he might be screwing her behind my back. At least not until other posters started putting ideas in my head!

Glad to hear you have got an explanation. I do believe your husband :-) glad things have turned ok.

I am friends with a couple of ex's - not my ex-wife - and sometimes meet up with one of them. My wife doesn't mind. However, I would not want to introduce my wife to a former partner. It would just feel a bit strange, and I especially wouldn't want them sizing each other up.

A former BF of DW was visiting a while ago, and she went out to dinner with him. She asked if I wanted to go, but I said I'd prefer not to - it would have made me feel odd meeting her old partner, so I left her to it.

Not bullshitting about where you're going, and being back when you said you would works for us. I don't think the OP sounds like a dodgy situation.