Husband been to lapdancing clubs

[Lovetoshop1]

Can I get some honest opinions please on the above topic. Very happily married lady children grown! wonderful husband etc etc. husband told me recently that he has visited lapdancing clubs three times in last few years whilst on work nights out entertaining clients etc and had a private dance each time! I am totally gutted, he is so so sorry for hurt caused he couldn't be trying harder to make me feel better I am under no doubt that he loves me and is so sorry and says no matter what he will never frequent again. I have needed to know every detail (is this normal). he was offered by the dancers to touch them on two of the occasions for extra money but didn't he says it was all very sleazy and over in a couple of minutes. We are so happy otherwise but this horrible feeling in my stomach won't go away, I am not worried he'll do it again but the past is haunting me. Any opinions or advice on how to put this behind me greatly appreciated.

lovetoshop, please don't give up on mumsnet,some people have given you tough love and some have been a bit ott [ i've been known to do it] but as you say there has been helpful advice too i'd drop out of this thread now if i was you and concenrate on your thoughts about things and how you can learn now with your h, hope to see you on another thread soon though, as you've guessed this is a subject that needs to be openly discussed.

Am I the only one not to be impressed by confessions? It was for the benefit of the confessor only, to make him feel better - a weight off his shoulders - rather than for the benefit of the OP. A selfish act really. How often does the confessee feel better after hearing something like this?

"...he told me he said because we are closer than ever in our marriage and he just felt that he had this one thing between us..."
Being closer than ever meant he could tell you with less fear of you kicking him out

"...he said he did not want to hurt me by telling me but he felt I deserved the truth..."
Deserved the truth, pah! Needed to get that niggling weight off his shoulders more like. If he dumps it on you he feels better.

"...this horrible image is in my mind and it won't go away..."
And he would've known that, but no, he wanted to tell you. What he could've done was not go in the first place. Or made that one mistake and not repeated it. I used to be an advocate of always telling the truth, but these days I think it requires far more thought and consideration for the harm it could do.

Posie, no I haven't read the articles, but I have read similar I'm sure. No I wouldn't know the different between coerced dancers and those doing it of free will unless maybe I knew the women personally.

The girl I know is not coerced. She thinks its easy money and the men are mugs.

I am not saying that no women are coerced its just this argument is dragged out every time there is a sex industry topic. Some mumsnetters cannot accept that some sex workers in this country do it of their own free will. I'm not saying they love it of course,but still free will.

Posie, no I haven't read the articles, but I have read similar I'm sure. No I wouldn't know the different between coerced dancers and those doing it of free will unless maybe I knew the women personally.

The girl I know is not coerced. She thinks its easy money and the men are mugs.

I am not saying that no women are coerced its just this argument is dragged out every time there is a sex industry topic. Some mumsnetters cannot accept that some sex workers in this country do it of their own free will. I'm not saying they love it of course,but still free will.

i agree with carmen that there are probably many who lap dance , make porn movies and the like out of free choice, obviously i can't speak for every woman who does this but it is a very depressing thought that some girls/women will display/ do everything just to get themselves in dirty mags and in films and choose this as a life style.

Those who choose this as a lifestyle are often those who have been conditioned or come from vulnerable or difficult background

Strong women with robust self esteem are very unlikely to choose this as a lifestyle.

it's so sad all round, i really feel for these people who find it acceptable, i had an abusive childhood but i was fortunate enough to develop strengh and better myself, many women can't do that.

Agree with mrsfuzzy, that there are some girls that wiLl do anything to be famous or even just noticed.

With girls now sexualised from a young age is it surprising? I don't use use facebook but have friends and family that do and some pictures that young girls post of themselves are shocking.

Even with camera phones, teenage girls send pics of themselves half undressed, really made up etc to boys. I've seen this first hand with a family member. God I would have been waay to shy to do that as a teenager, even with my owln boyfriend. Girls these days are not embarrassed. Strip clubs were seedy places when I was young. Now places like Spearmint Rhino glamourise it. And make it seem like an attractive job choice.

However, I do think that maybe girls who are brought up in a stable environment and learn to have a bit about them would not choose this lifestyle, but I don't think its just girls who have come from rubbish backgrounds.

With girls now sexualised from a young age is it surprising?

In our pornified culture, no it's not. But it's revealing that you blame young girls and women for that and not the porn culture that was created by men, for men.

Challenge the culture and your own contribution to it, rather than blaming young girls and women for trying to survive in it.

Choice is a funny word isn't it? It implies that the person has complete autonomy over their decisions, which I can't think is true for a porn star being double penetrated or repeatedly come over. Surely we have to acknowledge that in our society if a woman thinks her best chance at a good income is lap dancing then we've done her a complete disservice, this career is short lived at best. At worst more unsafe and at risk of emotional, sexual and physical abuse.

Carmen, I don't think anyone has said that no women work in the sex industry with free will.

Simply that many people do not find it acceptable to use those services as they have no way of knowing who is, and who has been trafficked or otherwise coerced.

Some choices we make we can walk away from easily. Like when my 16 yo self worked in Retail for a couple of summers, I pretty quickly realised it wasn't for me, so I didn't do it again.

Someone who starts to work in the sex industry of their own free will (although I'll come back to that) may not find it so easy to walk away. There's a lot of money at stake (how else can they earn so much?). There's a gap in their CV to cover over (can you provide a reference for the last two years, Ms Lapdancer?). There's the fact they're working in an industry where they're seen as commodities and are being continually pushed and conditioned to go beyond the level that they're comfortable with (everyone else does touching, everyone else does anal). There's a high chance they'll be targetted by club owners with drugs, blackmail, booze, whatever. It's not as easy as handing in your notice and leaving the shop.

And the free will thing? Everytime there's a thread about lapdancing - every time - someone either says there's no touching or sex, or is surprised to find out there is touching or sex. Because the 'adult entertainment' industry has done a very good job of cleaning up its act in the media and presenting an acceptable face. If the women on this site don't know lapdancers are expected to offer touching etc, why would a would-be lapdancer necessarily know that?

Finally - follow the money, not the women. Look at where the money goes. Look at what the industry supports. And save your scorn for the people who benefit.

Charbon. I didn't say that I blamed young girls and women, at all. I just said this is the way girls are these days. Don't know who is to blame really. I do know that image is massively important is society these days and that many girls aspire to being a wag or a non-celeb. Being a lapdancer is maybe seen a glamorous and certainly easier money than a regualr 9 to 5 job for many.

It is sad that's all girls think they are worth, and have no real aspirations of their own. In one way though, who can blame them? Who would want. To slog it out in an office for 200 quid a wk when maybe you can earn that in a night? Not my opinion btw. Just saying.

And happyhalloween I agree.however, men who buy sexual services don't care. They buy these womens services as though they are a different sub species. Despite what they may say, they see them differently to their own wives or female relatives.I don't believe any man, well hardly any man would really be chuffed if his daughter was a prostitute for instance.

Finally - follow the money, not the women. Look at where the money goes. Look at what the industry supports. And save your scorn for the people who benefit.

Agree with that 100%.

And every porn user, patron of lapdancing clubs and man who pays for sex props the whole damned thing up.

I agree completely with the idea of following the money...... (can't copy and paste) A fabulous sound bite and I will plagiarise it at will.

I hope you are okay OP.

Carmen, I am sorry to say that you, as a self-professed porn user are making some of the same choices you are vilifying men for

He feels so bad about it he's had 3 private lap dances! Nothing to do with going with the crowd; he's made a point of arranging and paying for private dances - imo he's cheated on you and make a mockery of your commitment to each other; I'd be absolutely fuming and I'd not be A ok and cool girl saying, it's fine hubby, go get your sexual kicks from a poor sex worker trying to make a living out of selling sex; all wrong!

As has been said already, he's shown you a side to him that means he is untrustworthy; I'd be wondering what else he's been up to.

This would be a deal breaker for me.

Regardless of how lovely he is he's the type of man that buys women. How disgusting.

If he was dragged in he didn't need to have a private dance did he.

Maybe someone was going to tell you and he got in first.

ZOMBIE THREAD from 2012

If it was that sleazy and he got nothing out of it why go back. I would look on private dances as being unfaithful, he paid someone and as a result received sexual stimulation from someone other than you, end of.

Bless you in my view these places are nothing but glorified brothels. They encourage men to be infaithful. It makes no difference whether they engage or not. Some places allow touching some don’t . Most of it is nude and in some counties there are no rules. Particularly in Eastern Europe and Las Vegas. So I can’t tell you what to do but in my view if my husband did this I would class it as adultry. Such a difficult position to be in.

Zombie Thread 🧟‍♀️ 🧟‍♂️

Bless you if this was my husband he would be gone. It’s infidelity even to go to one of these places in the first place. If you feel in your heart that you can’t get over it then you probably never will. You can’t love someone and do this.

Zombie thread for those thinking of posting