Husband been to lapdancing clubs

[Lovetoshop1]

Can I get some honest opinions please on the above topic. Very happily married lady children grown! wonderful husband etc etc. husband told me recently that he has visited lapdancing clubs three times in last few years whilst on work nights out entertaining clients etc and had a private dance each time! I am totally gutted, he is so so sorry for hurt caused he couldn't be trying harder to make me feel better I am under no doubt that he loves me and is so sorry and says no matter what he will never frequent again. I have needed to know every detail (is this normal). he was offered by the dancers to touch them on two of the occasions for extra money but didn't he says it was all very sleazy and over in a couple of minutes. We are so happy otherwise but this horrible feeling in my stomach won't go away, I am not worried he'll do it again but the past is haunting me. Any opinions or advice on how to put this behind me greatly appreciated.

Don't feel stupid-he should.

Gross. What else is he not telling you? He wouldn't admit to getting more from a sex worker.

Not surprised you are upset - he had sexual contact with a sex worker after all (even though they may not have shagged)

How odd that he has told you about after all this time - I wonder what really prompted it (I don't buy that bullshit he has come up with), was he going to get busted and wanted to get his story in while he can?

I wonder if you are really aware what "private dances" really involves?

he also says it has opened his eyes big time about how wrong it was and he was just going with the crowd-Yet he did it 3 times That's what jumps out at me, not just a one off stupid mistake is it?

mrsfuzzy I won't labour the feminist point, after all you clearly are without a clue as to what Feminism is all about, which is fine many people believe the tabloid view of feminism [whispers] it's equality in all it's glory.

I can't, without discussion and beating the feminist drum, tell my kids as to why yet another movie is all about boys being active and cool and girls dull and pretty, or why all brilliant literary heroes they learn about at school are men, or why every fabulous historical figure is a man or why the lego catalogue is full of boys. I can't explain to them why I turn over the covers of magazines in my local shops or why the 'Gentleman's club" has fuck all to do with being a Gentleman.

I think what we object to, in it's rawest form, regarding Lapdancing is entirely Feminist. It's woman against woman, it's objectifying, it's a reduction of women as a whole group into youth, tits and arse. Now perhaps my breasts are still pretty great, [takes a bow] and perhaps I would give Kylie a run for her money in the arse steaks....but I ain't getting younger, so ultimately on the desire front I will lose.

Mad. Private dances include breasts and vulvas in your face.

PP - yes in some cases and in other cases, far more than this

Sorry, I mistook for your comment as a question!

carry on.

Deal breaker for me and I know DH would never dream of doing this as he's as much of a feminist as I am... men do have choices and don't have to follow the crowd. Some actually respect women and can see the sex trade for what it is. OP your partner sounds very sorry - but only you know if you can live with it.

Why do these sexually incontinent, immature twats always cry so much?

At least be a shithead with a backbone

Boooooo hooooooo, it's so terrible, I chose to buy a woman of my own free will.

Waaaaaaaah! Poor me, I'm so upset by my freely chosen actions that I might have a little breakdown.

Snuffle.... Pity me?

I wonder why he really chose to tell you now OP. What has he actually done?

posie thanks for your response but i have no interest in the down market loo paper[s] i don't read many magazines either because of the so called celebs, but it is these celebs that many women and girls aspire to look like or be, unless people make the change to stop this the feminist thing will never move forward no matter what you say or dress it up i notice with interest you didn't see fit to argue the case for girls and women in third world countries if any one needs feminist support it is them, as they are so down trodden. the develpoed world will carry on doing what it is doing, and unlike you it seems the majority of people do not seem to be a hurry to change it.

incidently kids make their own choices about the toys they play as i had boys and girls they were free to make their own choices to be honest you sound abit brain washed by this thinking does h agree or is he told "THIS IS HOW IT IS! after all you did indicate your strong views and how he had come to rethink things about the subject.

"incidently kids make their own choices about the toys they play as i had boys and girls they were free to make their own choices"

:o arf

posie incidently do you really think i'm interested in knowing about you physical appearance, this seems to be more about your lack of acceptance that your getting older and therefore your husband might look at you in a different way, for the record i'm a size 12 so what??? personally i find your speech a=rather vulgar and down market more suited to the gutter press.

I'm pissing myself laughing here at PosieParker's typo

"arse steaks"

Thank you folks for your time I've never used a forum before and just came across it in my paranoia looking on the net for some answers. I totally get the femininist issue having myself lovely daughters and feeling sick at them being in that industry and the fact that other women quite happily strip, touch, etc etc another woman's husband without a care. Where is women's solidarity? BUT it was not their fault there would be no need for the service without the men. Mrs Fuzzy thank you for putting the perspective that it's not a deal breaker, silly but I wanted someone to say that because other than this in my whole marriage he has been a totally wonderful man when I have had problems with anxiety myself he has supported me for 27 years through some difficult times and has been a totally unselfish man...... Which in one way is why my heart breaks for this betrayal, I found out 4 weeks ago, will it get easier or is this how it is?

Thank you folks for your time I've never used a forum before and just came across it in my paranoia looking on the net for some answers. I totally get the femininist issue having myself lovely daughters and feeling sick at them being in that industry and the fact that other women quite happily strip, touch, etc etc another woman's husband without a care. Where is women's solidarity? BUT it was not their fault there would be no need for the service without the men. Mrs Fuzzy thank you for putting the perspective that it's not a deal breaker, silly but I wanted someone to say that because other than this in my whole marriage he has been a totally wonderful man when I have had problems with anxiety myself he has supported me for 27 years through some difficult times and has been a totally unselfish man...... Which in one way is why my heart breaks for this betrayal, I found out 4 weeks ago, will it get easier or is this how it is?

MrsFuzzy, not to answer for Posie but how on earth can you deduce her attitude to the developing world from her posts, which were addressing a specific OP? The OP isn't talking about women and girls in other countries, she was talking about women and girls that her husband has paid to see naked. Posie's answer was entirely in that context.

OP, it doesn't have to be a dealbreaker, true. But it seems to me you are looking for reasons for it not to be a dealbreaker. Are you angry at all, or just scared for your marriage - genuine question.

Worral.... That'll be my phone and it's delightful autocorrect, surely stakes is recognised by apple.

mrsfuzzy. What are you on about? How do you know what I think about femicide and other third world feminist issues? Are you a little pissy because I responded to your dismissive and woefully ignorant statement about Feminism?

And a tabloid POV of Feminism, which is what you have doesn't mean you read tabloids, it means that your POV is seemingly shaped by their assault of Feminism over the last decade or so.

The whole 'celeb' thing is also shaped by men, for the male gaze (another Feminist battle).

OP I think if you desire you can overcome anything within your marriage, both parties need to mutually committed and your husband has a mountain to climb. Firstly he needs to be transparent, he needs to listen and not diminish the damage he has done. I don't think you have much to do as you have done nothing wrong. Him looking elsewhere is nothing to do with you, it says much about him though.

thanks lovetoshop, welcome to mumsnet, it is usually quite lively, free speaking and fun, hope you stay on and join in with other subjects, i,m sure things will go from strength to strength for you and h.it was a bombshell but when it is put into prespective it's not the worst thing that could have happened, you say you,ve been through difficult times before, just stay with it and you'll come through much stronger than before. it is too easy to throw the towel in on 27 years you have invested at lot of love into this, i wish you the very best.

Wilsonfrickett, strangely not angry really just immensely disappointed in a man I thought I knew inside out? PP he has already told me I have no blame and it's down to him but why do I feel like punishing myself? I also feel very "needy" for affection from him which makes me cross because he should be having the cold shoulder shouldn't he.?

Thank you mrs fuzzy we are together from 17 and have weathered a few storms but never about trust. I love him with all my heart but just wish wish wish he'd never done this........ He IS truly sorry I know that you would have to know him to believe him. BUT I keep panicking in case I'm deluding myself..... :(

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