Husband been to lapdancing clubs

[Lovetoshop1]

Can I get some honest opinions please on the above topic. Very happily married lady children grown! wonderful husband etc etc. husband told me recently that he has visited lapdancing clubs three times in last few years whilst on work nights out entertaining clients etc and had a private dance each time! I am totally gutted, he is so so sorry for hurt caused he couldn't be trying harder to make me feel better I am under no doubt that he loves me and is so sorry and says no matter what he will never frequent again. I have needed to know every detail (is this normal). he was offered by the dancers to touch them on two of the occasions for extra money but didn't he says it was all very sleazy and over in a couple of minutes. We are so happy otherwise but this horrible feeling in my stomach won't go away, I am not worried he'll do it again but the past is haunting me. Any opinions or advice on how to put this behind me greatly appreciated.

Hey ?mrsfuzzy? shame the other thread was deleted as it was very funny and pretty touching to see your interest in Feminism. I truly hope this is the beginning of a very interesting journey for you. xxx

Sorry for hijack OP

Hi Carmel Electra , I have to disagree with a point you made I am totally glad that on the many occasions my DH goes out with mates he has never frequented lap dancing bars and only on the occasions when he was out with his seniors and clients where he felt under pressure to go, had he gone with mates I would feel even worse I think! Sadly I do agree that business should not involve these crass activities but sadly the more I learn it does in lots of ways.

HH I have discussed at length with him what was wrong, he sees now that it is degrading to me and to other women, he has also thought very much about the age of these women. On another note a relative of mine I found out today was also present (same company, young man single, my relative not his) I spoke to him earlier and told my DH had fessed up to three occasions to what hed done he had not spoke to DH or got his story so no cohesion with them. but what he said matched exactly ie he was one of the blokes wanting to stay in the pub and not interested but colleagues were pushing him, also said place was seedy but that the dances were just dances no more but I did tell him that my husband was offered to touch for more money on two occasions and he said that happens sometimes but not always! He also said my DH was the last one to be literally forced into the dance the last time when his boss pushed the money into the dancers hand! He went on to a bar afterwards and told my cousin he would find the bottle to tell me one day and that he was not going to go in again even when put under pressure.... I feel this is the truth my relative had no reason to lie or know what DH had told me. He also said that when he goes out on lads nights with my DH he is always well behaved and talks of me a lot and everyone that knows him says how much he loves me!! He also said lol that I was nicer looking than any stripper in the place! I feel quite a sense if relief to have spoke to someone who was there with no hidden agenda.......

I would think a man who goes to lapdancing clubs and seeks to normalise it does have an agenda, but agree it's not hidden. How nasty of him to comment in pejorative terms about the womens' appearance. I'm surprised you think that's okay. He also didn't admit to any physical contact in clubs until you told him your husband had admitted that's what was offered.

I think you can make this a helpful experience if you both challenge your attitudes about the sex industry. If your husband is as committed as you say and acknowledges that it degrades women and should form no part of 'corporate entertainment' or entertainment full-stop, he needs to grow a spine and resolve to speak out against it in his business. Will he do that?

Will you decide that it doesn't matter if your husband is getting pressurised by senior colleagues or clients, he ought to have the backbone to say 'no, not for me - and here's why....'?

How nice that your family members are complicit in the deception too. This is what happens - 'all boys together'. You can never trust another man's account of a 'boys' night out. Never. Probably not even if that man is your father and you're the bride to be of a disgusting pig, as was apparent in a thread a few days ago about stag do strippers.

I can see how you're convinced that your DH has now told you the truth and is apparently terribly contrite. Now let's hope he will have the courage to lose his sheep mentality next time this situation arises. (Not a dig at your DH as such, we see this sheep mentality in a lot of men).
Best of luck OP.

Charbon.

1. I know my cousin was trying to build my personal self esteem about my appearance! Which I gladly welcomed feeling as good or not better looking than the woman working in a strip club. Don't we all want to feel good about ourselves? I know I do particularly at this time.
2. Whilst I don't like any men going to lapdancing clubs he is single and was not deceiving a partner.
3. He did actually tell me in more detail about an incident with a mate that received "extras" from a dancer so no hiding anything but said the norm is just a dance then depending on the girl she may offer to let u touch her for a fee but in his experience most blokes that are just on lads do.s don't.
4. I really don't think it's any of your business if my husband speaks out against lap dancing or not as long as I know he realises how I feel and now he feels, is good enough for me.
5. Have you ever made a mistake in your life or done something you now think to be wrong or distasteful?

Finally if you bothered to read my original post you will note I was not asking for opinions on how to chastise or berate my DH but merely asking for some advice/ opinions on how to get over my hurt.
I have found so many posts on here to be helpful but sadly the type of post you have written has not addressed my original question and you appear to be having your own agenda with my feelings! I feel much better for letting you know that!

HH if you met my husband you would see how contrite he is and I truly believe it will never happen again. I believe in forgiveness and am not seeking opinions on my DH merely help to get over my own hurt which seems to me that some posters are only interested in berating him and not assisting with my original post of how to move on. Many thanks for your interest anyhows.

Love. Perhaps you and your husband could look at some of the more enlightening research about lap dancing? This may help both of you understand why it is really never okay. This could be a positive outcome of such a terrible set of events.

I'd link but I'm on a Mac and I'm shit.

op I agree, in one way its better that your dh went with older people, in theory less likely to want to take things any further, especially with much younger women.

You would think younger men would get pissed and want to pay for extras if they were on offer.

However, in some ways it would be more acceptable for younger men to fancy the lapdancers closer to their own age. And worse that a middle aged man would want to touch a young dancer and perhaps compare her, in an unfavorable way to his wife. Perhaps that's just my insecurites.

Agree with popster who said how men stick with each other over these things, even fathers deceiving daughters as the poster pointed out(on a simialr thread).

Lovetoshop whether you agree with charbon or not, she is one of the most compassionate and helpful posters on here.

If you start a thread, you have to be prepared to read things you don't want to read. That is the nature of an open forum. You cannot dictate how and what people reply to you.

FWIW, I also think you have made a mistake in rationalising your husbands behaviour by being mollified by "the lapdancers were mingers anyway, compared to the lovely, fragrant you "

I am sure you are lovely and fragrant. But do you see that slagging off the poor women who work in places like that is joining in with the woman-hating shit that allows places such as this to flourish in the first place?

I recommend you do more reading around the realities for women who work in the sex industry, and your husband does too.

but be prepared for it to be a painful exercise, and for you to have some of your own misconceptions challenged

all the best x

OP, at the end of the day, there is something very fucked-up about a middle aged man having to pay to see the private parts of a young woman (young enough to be his daughter ??) who wouldn't give him the time of day, otherwise.

Absolutel,yhappyhaloween

Thank you Happy!

OP yes I like to feel good about myself, but receiving a compliment that contains insulting words about other women's appearance wouldn't achieve that for me.

My personal objections to lapdancing clubs aren't based on whether the punters are married and cheating. I object to and campaign against sexual entertainment venues on political grounds.

One of the problems you highlighted in your posts was that your husband contends he 'got dragged into' the first club he attended and you have also implied that he didn't feel able to say 'no' to senior colleagues and clients. You're right it's none of my business what he does now, but if I were in your position listening to a man who now claims to be firmly opposed to these clubs, I'd find it far more convincing if he was challenging that culture at work and disapproving of it to more people than just his wife who needs to believe him. If him just telling you he disapproves of it and won't do it again is enough for you to believe that he won't succumb to peer pressure again, that's a matter for you.

You asked for advice on how to deal with it and this is my third post on your thread. I've suggested that you take a more holistic approach to this if you want to avoid a repeat of your husband lacking moral courage in future situations, or thinking it's permissible to lie to you. In 27 years, I very much doubt that this was the first time he lied to you or allowed himself to be talked into something he didn't want to do.

Love if I could wish one thing to come out of this for you, it would be that you stop linking what has happened and what your husband has done and seen to your appearance. That you could turn 'he obviously doesn't find me attractive any more' into 'how dare my life partner do this to me'. That you could turn 'phew, at least the girls weren't as pretty as me' to 'I am fucking furious with my DH for breaking my trust'.

op, I expect you now feel like to retreating to lick your "wounds" with the man who made you feel like this in the first place. That would be a mistake, IMO

we are on your side

put away your defensiveness and your relationship can be better if you stop being secretly pleased with the backhanded compliments about "minging lapdancers" and the crocodile tears of your husband

challenge him properly and it's more likely he will face up to his mistakes in a more real manner

boo-hoo'ing doesn't cut it, I am afraid

Yes the boo hooing is a distraction and it seems to be working with you.

If he really meant what he said to you, then he would be growing a pair instead of snivelling.

And its sad that you are taking comfort in the fact that the dancer's appearance was less attractive than yours.

If he had gone once then [i]maybe[/i] I could be inclined to belive him. The fact that he went three times and every single time he also opted to pay for a private dance strikes of bullshit to me.
Once = maybe a mistake
Twice = not a mistake
Thrice = wants to do it but then felt guilty so pretends it was coersion

paying for a private dance each and every time he went = enjoying paying young girls for sexual kicks.

Hey OP I hope you're still around as I have foudn some short and concise articles about lap dancing, one from the view of an ex dancer, one of the affects on the area (increase in sexual crime as a direct result of a club opening) and the other a good social and factual comment.

this includes the crime stats

From an ex dancers view

This is from Object

Ummm I get the impression that people think that because you are long time members regular posters that you are necessarily right!!!!!
I totally do not accept that someone who has done this is a serial adulterer but I do accept that my DH has made a terrible error of judgement I am not naive, but also you do NOT have. 27 years experience of this man as I do, I think quite a few posters are just out to vilify anyone who has been to a lap dancing club and as I have learned it could be anyone of your partners BUT I never said I wanted advice on how to crucify the man if my memory serves me but on how I get over a breach of trust in my marriage. I fear this probably will be the first and last time I use a forum not because I do not want other peoples views but that some appear to like to stir up more hurt than the Op was feeling I am all to aware of what has happened and whether or not I start campaigning for these clubs to be shut down, comapanies banned from using them is quite honestly not on my agenda at the moment what was on my agenda was some support from other people on getting over hurt. HHMf obviously a "regular poster" can I ask who called the lap dancers mingling? I didn't my cousin didn't he merely said I he thought I was more attractive than them. Starting to wonder who has the issues the really aggressive posters or me! Also how can someone say crocodile tears when they do not know or have not seen the reaction of the man. I NO WAY condone what my DH has done it is WRONG he knows it I know it but I will not defy my own instincts to the man who has been unblemished in every other way.

I have received some valuable advice on how to help my marriage and my feelings recover, advice on day to day living, Taking time out alone etc etc and thank you to those who have posted with constructive comments for those of you who wish to start another thread on the perils of lap dancing clubs themselves and not how to get over the hurt caused by a loved one, be it lap dancing an affair, gambling the household budget away etc etc please feel free to continue but for now I feel I've got the general vibe of posters and that's fine
for me.

Thank you poise I will check them out.

I am glad you got some help from posting here

mrsfuzzyWed 24-Oct-12 09:57:50

lovetoshop will stay with her husband, but she has learnt a valuable lesson and perhaps other women have too about these 'clubs', i would be interested to know from the female angle, why do women do this sort of 'work'? is it just for the money? are they exhibitionists? which ever way you look at it's a very sad situation, what sort of men would think it was okay for their wives/girlfriends to strip for a living? doesn't say much for them. before i went into auxlliary nursing years ago i was a chambermaid to support myself and two young kids, cleaning toilets isn't the last word but i would have never degraded myself no matter how much it paid.

Im afraid the reality is that a lot of sex work is now advertised in Job Centres like chatline and webcam work.
You were a chambermaid for a while but another reality is that a lot of those type of jobs are now being filled by workfare.
Therefore its quite feasible that a young woman signing on can be left with a very stark choice.
I know because it happened to me. I had completed 3 months on workfare and then they wanted me to do 3 months workfare at a soup factory.
I applied for a chatline job that i saw in the paper got it and signed off.
As of this week the Gov brought in even stricter benefit sanctions. Couple that with the fact that Jobcentres can now advertise sex work due to a ruling in 2003 and you will have a lot of desperate young women (who will also suffer the abolishment of HB if they are under 25) feeling that sex work will be the only way they can afford to live.
Its a bloody big time bomb waiting to go off and the last thing these young women need is their fellow feminists looking down on them for it!

Love you're angry, of course you are.

As I said earlier no one can tell you what you should do, it's your marriage and your life.

You have to do what's right for you and only you can decide what that is.

Don't be put off coming back in the future though, you'd be surprised how many of us really do understand.

Be kind to yourself x

op. Don't be put off about posting again. This forum certainly has some regulars who are looked up to and often seem to use some topics to air their own political agenda.

There are plenty who are just giving their own personal view. I absolutely do not hold any strong objections to the sex industry/entertainment industry as I do not buy into the view that all or even the majority are trafficked coerced or have no solution.

I think plenty of young women these days do it through choice. I'm not saying they love old men leering at them but they just see them as cash cows and what mugs they are.

I can also see how you would be quite chuffed that the women weren't as attractive as you. Who doesn't want to hear they look good. And to hear that you look better than a young slim glamour type would be seen as complimentary to many.

I actually used to know a lap dancer. She was absolutely doing it of her free will. Had a family and young child and as far as I know didn't havbe any issues. She was however, a big mouthed show off who thought she was gorgeous. She wasn't.

carmen.... Did you read the articles?

Just wondering how you think you would know the difference between a woman dancing out of 'her own free will' (this is a topic in itself) and coerced or no choice.