Husband been to lapdancing clubs

[Lovetoshop1]

Can I get some honest opinions please on the above topic. Very happily married lady children grown! wonderful husband etc etc. husband told me recently that he has visited lapdancing clubs three times in last few years whilst on work nights out entertaining clients etc and had a private dance each time! I am totally gutted, he is so so sorry for hurt caused he couldn't be trying harder to make me feel better I am under no doubt that he loves me and is so sorry and says no matter what he will never frequent again. I have needed to know every detail (is this normal). he was offered by the dancers to touch them on two of the occasions for extra money but didn't he says it was all very sleazy and over in a couple of minutes. We are so happy otherwise but this horrible feeling in my stomach won't go away, I am not worried he'll do it again but the past is haunting me. Any opinions or advice on how to put this behind me greatly appreciated.

Hi OP

Sorry, X-post with your last answer

You are feeling very raw at the moment, as I would be. But a long happy marriage is a precious thing even if just now it feels like your DH has spoiled things. Give yourself some time; this is not always going to feel as painful as it does right now

Of course you want this to be a bad dream OP, it's totally understandable.

I know that sick feeling all too well, it's the worst feeling I have ever had.

Just please don't rush yourself, this is going to take a long time. Your feelings will change many times every day.

Only you can decide what is best for you, it's not up to anyone else to advise you what to do. Yes we can all give our own opinions, share our own experiences but ultimately they are completely irrelevant.

The only thing that matters is how you feel and you won't know that for a good long while.

Be kind to yourself and take it one day at a time.

lovetoshop you sound sooo sweet!! I think it sounds like your husband really loves you and has 'fessed up' out of guilt. But... I think you sound naive and you need to grow up. They can't help being, er, men, and looking at, you know, tits and what not. Would we want them any other way?

krystyana er..excuse me but no, men can look at their partner's/wife's tits and what not - it's all there and it's the woman they fancy/chosen, they do not NEED to look at other women. If they are anti monogamy, then it's their choice to stay single and fuck around, but those who made promises to 'forsake all others' should honour them, should have integrity, eh?

the invaders are always called a silly variation of a woman's name, aren't they ?

I thought grunternet too, they're not so subtle or clever are they.

transparent [hsmile]

OP I feel for you, that sort if revelation is like having rug pulled from under your feet. It makes you question so many things and also, can make a person feel insecure (not you though I hope, I'm sure you know that you're gorgeous & he's damn lucky to have you!)

I'm not sure you need to worry about 'other revelations' they are not brothels & there is no touching etc. It probably is exactly as he said, visits due to work which whilst gross doesn't mean he has automatically been having an affair or something by default!

I think it's gratifying that he feels so bad about upsetting you, quite alot if men would be unrepentant.

Before I get flamed... Perhaps 'reassuring' is a better word than 'gratifying'.

Queen I think you're sadly naive about what can go on in lapdancing clubs. You firmly state 'there is no touching'. That is simply not true. In fact if you read the OP you will see that this man claims the woman offered him to touch but he said no.

Second that.

Definitely.

As said on here (or was it the other lapdancing thread?) - a private dance can be far more than breasts and vulvas in your face.

There is a strong link between lap dancing clubs and prostitution with some "dancers" doing extra work on the side.

lovetoshop will stay with her husband, but she has learnt a valuable lesson and perhaps other women have too about these 'clubs', i would be interested to know from the female angle, why do women do this sort of 'work'? is it just for the money? are they exhibitionists? which ever way you look at it's a very sad situation, what sort of men would think it was okay for their wives/girlfriends to strip for a living? doesn't say much for them. before i went into auxlliary nursing years ago i was a chambermaid to support myself and two young kids, cleaning toilets isn't the last word but i would have never degraded myself no matter how much it paid.

having a vulva in your face? heck that has put my right off my late breakfast, yuk!

well said madaboutchoc for saying 'prostitution', whoever thought up that stupid expression 'sex worker'? that makes something totally sordid sound half way respectable.

Fuzzy there are a myriad of reasons why women do this kind of work, mostly tied to poverty, drugs, poor role models, and many of the women working in lapdancing clubs will be forced to work their by 'their men' or will even have been trafficked. There are a tiny % of women who think it's 'empowering' and a great way to pay off their student loans, but that's a tiny, tiny percent.

From a feminist perspective, a better question would be why do men visit these clubs, what sort of men would think it's OK to go to clubs where women strip for a living.

I apologise, I missed that post from you lovetoshop about the offer to take things further.

I guess maybe I am naive. I know that amongst DH's friends, there is a tale about one guy who had a BJ on stage on a foreign stag. It is a tale though because it's unusual and everyone reacted; 'omg he is such a dick' it was seen as pathetic and example of his lack of control & desperation to prove himself. The fact that the story got out so fast (and obv, his other half dumped him on spot) was sort of evidence that its pretty unusual.

Maybe it just depends on atmosphere of the evening / the group.

And I use the term sex worker precisely for that reason - if I called a lapdancer a prostitute someone would be on here saying 'well they only dance, there's not touching'. In some cases that may be true, but they still work in the sex industry. Also I have compassion for women in this situation. Having lived in a red light area for years, not one of them is smiling and laughing as they go about their 'work' - they are desperate, and in a desperate situation, usually forced by a man.

Oh op

I would feel the same. I would also be angry that he is trying to salve his conscience by burdening you with this revelation. What did he think you were going say, how did he think you would feel?

Only you know how this will affect your relationship. Personally I would lose a lot of respect for DP if he purchased a young woman's body to use for entertainment. But in other resists he is a good husband and father do you need to consider whether this idiocy is worth breaking up a marriage for.

i hear what you are saying wilson and they are valid points, but what can we as women to about it? a lap dancing club opened briefly in a town near me a couple of years ago, we lobbied our local m.p and local council on the angle of it possibly becoming a no go area for women at night visiting local restraurants etc. the club was closed within three months of opening great result, but another would have opened in another town else where. regarding 'have to do it' then the law needs to be more robust on pimping etc and the poverty cycle needs to be broken to teach young girls in school that it is possible to do well in life what ever your back ground, i had an horrendous time with my stepfather, mum was a victim of domestic abuse but was too scared to break away, but it didn't mean that i fell into bad company i got up and was determined to better myself any way i could two disasterous marriages six kids and here i am. okay i realise it's not always that easy, some people can't/unable help themselves, girls need strong role models in their mothers where possible and not brought up to worship celebs who think just getting their boobs out will give them everything they want in life.

That's brilliant about the club, well done.

We can educate ourselves and think what's behind the issues, that's the first step and it's something I'm still working on. Feminism board on here is brilliant for that.

We can work very hard to protect children - all children. If you look at the Rochdale case for e.g. if that hadn't (eventually) been investigated you can bet your last £ that most of the young girls in that situation would have ended up in some sort of sex work. Speaking up for vulnerable young people is vital.

Educating girls to not be dependent on men's approval for their self-worth, educating boys to see women as equals in every way. Educating both about pornography and the sexualisation of our society - our kids are going to see pornography, we can't necessarily stop that, but we can help them deal with it.

And we can call behaviours for what they are. If all men stopped going to lapdancing clubs, lapdancing clubs would close. If we stop thinking that lapdancing clubs are some sort of sanitised mainstream entertainment and instead start thinking of them as the gateway to the hideous, hideous sex industry in this country. And that means it's not OK for my DH to visit them, and imo it's not OK for the OP's DH either.

And back to the OP, that's a conversation you need to have. because if he doesn't realise the money he's spent in these places has directly contributed to things like sex trafficking, then he needs to.

Sorry for derail and hope you're doing OK today.

Hi thanks for more replies....
Mrs fuzzy you are right I will be staying with my husband he has been my backbone all my adult life and I love him. It is very difficult to explain our marriage and the truly wonderful man he had been all these years which is what makes this so hard for me to understand.
He knew it was wrong but not until I pointed out to him my feelings did he realise how wrong..... He is totally devastated by my hurt you can see it clearly, as for more revelations he is adamant that this is it and would happily pay now for a lie detector test, he was looking them up last night so is deadly serious about it ( I don't need one because I believe him). Just on another note most of the men out on the nights were married and ALL had a private lap dance, I feel for their wives in one way but as no one else has probably told their wives they are living in blissful ignorance!
My DH says he's been a d~~k and feels like one but would never go along like a sheep again when all the blokes pile in these places, in fact he's said he would never go out again if it upsets me! ( I wouldn't want that either) I wish these places would be shut down, they are everywhere and it's making people think its normal for this kind of activity to go on!

lovetoshop so glad that you and h are working through it all, this thread has been a real education in one way and another, you are quite right in saying some people think these places are the norm and that is quite depressing in itself.

What I really do not get and I wish someone would enlighten me is this: why does entertaining clients involve visits to strip clubs?
I do wonder what bullshit jobs these men do and what bullshit deals they are trying to clinch.

If I had a job where I had to 'clients', presumably pretty much strangers, then taking them to a place where they paid for a man to do a sexy dance and wave his cock at them would seem a very odd choicem

I can half understand a drunken night out with mates but as part of work with 'clients'.

Jesus, I'm glad my dp has a normal job, not part of that bullshit world.

OP I really wouldn't take your DH's word for it that ALL the men present had a private dance. Maybe they did. But if you think about it, it makes him look 'better' (in his head) if he tells you that he just went along with what everyone else did. (Sheep, much?). What if he'd told you he was the only one out of a group of say, 6 guys, that had a private dance? Telling you everyone did it makes him feel better and he hopes it minimises it.

When you feel ready, ask him exactly what about it was 'wrong' as he sees it now.