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Original poster

Husband been to lapdancing clubs

151 replies

Lovetoshop1 · 23/10/2012 11:36

Can I get some honest opinions please on the above topic. Very happily married lady children grown! wonderful husband etc etc. husband told me recently that he has visited lapdancing clubs three times in last few years whilst on work nights out entertaining clients etc and had a private dance each time! I am totally gutted, he is so so sorry for hurt caused he couldn't be trying harder to make me feel better I am under no doubt that he loves me and is so sorry and says no matter what he will never frequent again. I have needed to know every detail (is this normal). he was offered by the dancers to touch them on two of the occasions for extra money but didn't he says it was all very sleazy and over in a couple of minutes. We are so happy otherwise but this horrible feeling in my stomach won't go away, I am not worried he'll do it again but the past is haunting me. Any opinions or advice on how to put this behind me greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovetoshop1 · 23/10/2012 16:58

P.s I've even thought of showing him this thread tonight? Any opinions on that one?

OP posts:
WilsonFrickett · 23/10/2012 16:59

I think you've had a deep shock and upset, and I think you are trying to find something or someone to blame for that, and it's actually easier to blame yourself - hence the 'feel like punishing myself'. I also think after the length of time you have been married you have an immense amount - most of your whole self - invested in the marriage. It's hard to imagine what life would be like without that, so even though DH has done something that has rocked it, to its very core, your instinct is to protect the marriage, and the 'neediness' is you looking for proof that you've protected it successfully.

It's not about what anyone else thinks you should or shouldn't do - that's why internet forums are sometimes not helpful. Mrs Fuzzy thinks it's OK, I'd be packing my DH's bags. What's important is your feelings, but it seems to me you are finding it hard to really understand what your feelings are.

Apologies if I've got that wrong, as I say, I'm just another woman on the internet ((hugs))

PosieParker · 23/10/2012 17:04

I think it's quite normal to feel betrayed OP, but we're told (by society) that it's nothing, that lap dancing is normal. Christ where I live we have five in the city centre and some women frequent them as customers. But if you feel like he's cheated it's quite normal. I can feel that you feel he's done this because you're not attractive enough, well that's two people that can work on that. YOU, because only you can really decide how you feel about yourself and him because he should make you feel like you're amazing in his eyes.

PosieParker · 23/10/2012 17:07

Love . Your words are important here.

Original poster
Lovetoshop1 · 23/10/2012 17:18

WF you are right I know it and I totally understand bags packed scenario, can I ask if you have a good relationship and for a long time? Just trying to see others perspectives is so good thank you.
PP I totally totally agree because at first DH said he felt like its what most blokes do on a big night out and tried to convince himself it was minor but admitted he must of known it wasn't or why hide it? But it is so not acceptable in society it is so wrong for women to sell themselves and men to buy surely isn't it..... I have always looked at myself as a women who would stick by othe,r women and never ever would go near another woman's husband. I want so badly to get over this but I fear what it's doing to my head, I feel sorry for him too because he just knows how I feel and I see his face, he's ashamed ( rightly so) thank you for all your time and thoughts :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovetoshop1 · 23/10/2012 17:21

PP I even find myself wanting to go in the club to check out a private dance for myself to see what happened , what the hell is wrong with me my opinion of those places has always been shut them down for society's sake for my daughter sakes so men will not just look at women as something o get off on.... Jees this is painful

OP posts:
Fintan · 23/10/2012 17:21

Its funny how so many men say (to their DP/DW/DGF) that lapdancing is just 'sleazy' but I don't see these clubs going out of business for lack of masculine custom.....Hmm

PosieParker · 23/10/2012 17:23

All pretty normal, but like picking a scab. I don't know how you get past this, but I think the fact that he's still around and you love him helps a lot.

WilsonFrickett · 23/10/2012 17:24

I've been in a very happy relationship for 15 years love, but again, it's not about me, it's about your feelings and how you feel.

Please don't go to a lapdancing club though. It won't make you feel better.

Frans1980 · 23/10/2012 17:31

But on the other hand it is just a dance. [Legitimate] lapdancing clubs have a no touching policy.

Original poster
Lovetoshop1 · 23/10/2012 17:34

My husband was offered to touch on two out of three dances so I know these girls will go a lot further....... It's not just a dance though either it's a sexual encounter it really is, people may not think so unless it happens to them but it feels like cheating to me :(

OP posts:
pumpkinsweetie · 23/10/2012 17:36

The fact he left it until now to tell you is more worrying than the subject at hand.
He has more or less not bothered telling you about his activities for yearsAngry

Lapdancing: a lot of men have been once or twice on a stag do etc, but having a private dance imo is deeply wrong and would also be a deal breaker for me!
I honestly would be very upset if i found my dh was recieving private dances.

RandallPinkFloyd · 23/10/2012 17:48

To me OP it seems like you're more upset about the lying than anything else.

Obviously what he did is disgusting but the main fact is he deceived you. That complete unquestioning trust you had is gone, forever. You will never get that back. You now know he is capable of betraying you.

It's a truly shitty thing, I don't think you ever do "get over it". It changes you. All you can do is decide if you can live with it.

And yes, easy as it is to say, you really must ignore the crocodile tears. He chose to do this. He is an adult.

Even if work did dictate it had to be a strip club (which I highly doubt) work didn't force him to have a lap dance.

I'm so sorry OP.

MadAboutHotChoc · 23/10/2012 17:58

I agree that you really need to find out why he is telling you now after all this time.

That is what concerns me the most - is he hiding something else? what has he really been up to? he has lied before and is still capable of lying...

I do get what you mean about it feeling like a sexual betrayal. I cannot any advice on how to get over it except to keep talking to him.

The tears made me want to boak....its like he is expecting sympathy from you Angry

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 23/10/2012 18:09

Don't you just hate it when men cry in these situations ?

I am not one for stiff upper lip always, but ffs, have a bit of dignity

they are crying for sympathy, and so you will STFU

I would lose a great deal of respect for any person that tried to play with my emotions like that, never mind my husband

it's quite pathetic

Charbon · 23/10/2012 18:22

I also have the feeling that more revelations are to come, but just dealing with this on its own, I think the most helpful strategy is to talk to your husband about his honestly-held views about the sex industry, the wider context of his moral courage in difficult situations and his attitude towards truth and honesty in your relationship.

I imagine it won't quell your unease if he promises never to visit one again because it offends you. Whereas it might if he decides that he is opposed to the sex industry and wouldn't ever patronise it because it offends him.

Lots of women apologise for men fearing ridicule from friends and colleagues and seem to cheerfully accept that in these situations, it's understandable for men to ditch their principles. Those women often fail to see the links with other unprincipled behaviour, misogyny and dishonesty that gets acted out elsewhere in the relationship, until a crisis strikes.

I think as in any relationship crisis where one partner's actions have disappointed another, the only reassurance that it is unlikely to happen again is if the person responsible for the disappointment is as disappointed with himself and has the courage of his convictions to own his own views.

PosieParker · 23/10/2012 18:26

Why do you think he's told you now?

Original poster
Lovetoshop1 · 23/10/2012 18:36

My DH and I had been getting on better than ever before we were always close but recently closer and although he never came out and said I've been to lap dancing clubs he was dropping hints and when a similar subject came up he admitted to it and said he had been afraid to tell me. It scares me when people say there could be more to come because it never really entered my head :(

OP posts:
RandallPinkFloyd · 23/10/2012 18:54

There could be more yes. There might not be though.

The point is you'll never know.

He hid this from you, he could hide anything from you. Unfortunately that's the reality now. You can't trust him.

Only you can decide if you can carry on without that. Some people think trust can be re-built. I disagree. Once it's gone it's gone. Whatever happens, however close you are, you will always know he is capable of hiding things he knows will hurt you.

Only you can decide if you can move on together.

Atomico · 23/10/2012 18:58

YANBU to be upset about this. I know my DW wouldn't tolerate such a thing. But thankfully, I don't have any desire to go to one.

I was once dragged into one on a boys night oht when I was 19 (before I met DW). Horrid place. I just felt sorry for the women and couldn't wait to get out.

What you do after discoving this is your call, though. I wouldn't advise anything. I notice that he did confess out of his own free will and may have had to go because his clients wanted to. Perhaps he felt bad about it. But whatever happened to entertaining clients with meals, rugby or football? I would wonder what job he has that he has to do this.

MissHuffy · 23/10/2012 20:04

Pretty much any sales job, sadly... I work in a pretty male dominated industry where we have to have policies prohibiting putting lap dancing clubs through on expenses etc. And then some idiots still try! It's another way of either excluding women in similar roles from being a part of the team or forcing them into feeling that they should attend to be "one of the lads". Obviously I'd just laugh in their faces but I'm not insecure about myself or my role - other women not so stubborn.

I bloody hate these places but I do understand how men get dragged along as part of a group of swaggering dickheads.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 23/10/2012 20:18

there is a simple trick to get out of being dragged along

not be a swaggering dickhead

highlandcoo · 23/10/2012 22:29

Hi OP

I've also been with my DH for many years. He knows my views on lap-dancing clubs. I've been very clear that it would deeply upset me if he went to one.

I would be very disappointed if he disregarded my feelings on the issue. Would I leave him over it? He's a lovely man in so many ways .. No I wouldn't. It would take a good while to get over it though.

It probably didn't mean much to your DH however sadly it did to you, and his ill-thought-out behaviour has really hurt you. Hope you are OK.

Original poster
Lovetoshop1 · 23/10/2012 22:56

Thanks highlanddcoo I'm ok feeling very tearful and bruised after another frank discussion with DH. I want this all to be a bad dream! Or at least this sick feeling to go away.....

OP posts:
highlandcoo · 23/10/2012 23:04

Oh, and I think it's quite possible that when he tells you that that's all he did, that he's telling the truth. Posters suggesting that you can never trust him again are feeding your fears possibly unfairly IMO.

No-one can ever know another person completely and I would bet there are many long, genuinely happy marriages that nevertheless contain one or two secrets from the other partner.

How can any of the posters confidently asserting that their DP/DH has never visited such a place actually know for sure? You can think you know .. I think I know .. but I wouldn't bet my life on it.