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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do you tell a good decent man

136 replies

MrsDoolittle · 27/03/2006 22:41

you don't love him anymore?

We have two children, a toddler and one a matter of weeks. I am struggling with an unsettled second child but worse, I can't stand dh anymore.
I don't even undertsand why. He is so good to me. He does everything I ask of him and he really tries so hard to make me happy but I just can't see things the way he does.
I'm sad alot of the time, especially since this awful realisation has hit me. This has now begun to poison the relationship that we do have and I am guilty of being rude and ungrateful. I am angry and snappy.
He is such a good father and husband but I don't don't feel it when I'm with him anymore.

I am really at a loss as to how to deal with this. I don't even know where to start. Months ago I suggested Relate but he dismissed this saying there is nothing wrong.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 27/03/2006 22:42

Have you been assessed for PND and depression?

NomDePlume · 27/03/2006 22:43

Is there a chance that you are suffering some sort of PND and that's clouding your emotions a bit ?

stitch · 27/03/2006 22:43

it is something that is overblown by the media

NomDePlume · 27/03/2006 22:43

x posts

Original poster

MrsDoolittle · 27/03/2006 22:44

I don't think it's taken seriously until baby is atleast two months old - he isn't.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 27/03/2006 22:49

Yes, it IS and should be taken VERY seriously at any stage, MrsDoolittle. If they'd have waited to treat me till dd1 was two months, I'd have been dead - a suicide.

I think you need to see your GP or HV ASAP, b/c it sounds like a lot of what you're feeling may be depressive feelings.

I've had PND twice, and it can leave you feeling like you're drowning in a sea of god-knows-what, with emotions all over the chart and off it, too.

PLEASE make your first stop a doctor or HV, MrsDoo. B/c if you have PND or depression, it CAN be treated. Help is out there.

colditz · 27/03/2006 22:49

MrsDolittle, you are describing the way I feel/felt each time I was pregnant. And when ds was tiny. It was PND then, and is Antenatal depression now.

I would really advise you to go to your gp, or ask your HV to come and see you, because the hostile feelings a lot of mothers feel towards their babies in cases of PND were, and are, in my case, turned towards dp.

they will take you seriously before 2 months, definately. They did with me. I am 38 weeks pregnant and on fluoxitine now as I was overwhelmed with anger towards dp, for no good reason.

fransmom · 27/03/2006 22:53

please, please, please go and see your gp/hv asap. i feel the same way about my dp and i am struggling to realise that it may be pnd talking and not my true feelings, tho i not exactly sire what those are at mo tbh. please go and see someone before you make what may turn out to be a rash decision. hth take care bab ((((hugs))))

Original poster

MrsDoolittle · 27/03/2006 22:57

colditz - maybe it was antenatal but it would be postnatal now.

I really don't know how I would go about this - everyone thinks I'm doing so great FGS!

I just can't stand dh. He's waffling on at the moment saying he can't sleep ds is still crying. It's been the same for me everynight now for 6 weeks!!

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsDoolittle · 27/03/2006 22:58

And my poor baby, I can't even hlpe him

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 27/03/2006 23:01

mrsd,
PLEASE come on here and vent to us to help get these feelings out. that's why we're here! you can even join our 'PND is a bitch' club.

PLEASE see someone tomorrow.

everything you describe sounds like me before i got help.

yes, i think a lot of us can say everyone thought we were coping so well.

ShaysMummy · 27/03/2006 23:04

my dh is a good decent man also and i had pnd and felt similar feelings. i had pnd, not diagnosed till ds was 6m.
get help, it's nothing to be ashamed of. lots of women struggle on, you dont need to.
soon you will feel better.
:)

colditz · 27/03/2006 23:04

MrsDoolittle, I felt like this postnatally too, in fact it was worse postnatally. If your baby is unsettled, and you have a toddler too, I cannot imagine how little quality rest you must be getting, which is bound to impact on the way you feel about everything.

My strong feeling is you should go to the doctor, tell him you are depressed and need help, and give it at least 6 months before you make any decisions about your future with your partner. Time to sort your own head out, and for baby to become a little more settled, and the toddler to get a little older and more independant. Wait until life is a bit more normal before you make any sudden moves.

most importantly, please go to your doctor.

Original poster

MrsDoolittle · 27/03/2006 23:04

What do I say
"I think I'm depressed" ??

Ds is crying upstairs, he's been crying all evening. I can't settle him atall this evening

OP posts:

colditz · 27/03/2006 23:06

Oh, and everyone thought I was a fantastic mother who coped brilliantly.

They weren't the ones who saw me try to break a dinner plate over dp's head because he asked if dinner was ready. I'm ashamed of myself for that, but it reallt wasn't me, it was the depression, and ds was only 3 weeks old then. If the gp helped me then, they'll help you now.

ShaysMummy · 27/03/2006 23:06

yes. tell them everything is going wrong, everything is a battle and too much bother.
thats what i said.
i doesnt matter what you say, tell them the truth and they will realise whats wrong with you.
u prob cant settle him as he can feel you are upset.

Original poster

MrsDoolittle · 27/03/2006 23:08

Did you seem fine with everyone else though? It's only dh I get angry at, I'm fine with everyone else. He just can't seem to say anything right now.

I don't know what the hell is going on upstairs right now, there is an awful lot of thumping and bumping going on. best go and check....

OP posts:

ShaysMummy · 27/03/2006 23:08

my hv asked me how things were going and i said 'ok'
she said 'whats wrong?'
i replied 'EVERYTHING!'
She put me in front of a doctor straight away and i was diagnosed.

colditz · 27/03/2006 23:10

Yes, you say "I think I am depressed." If you think you will break down, write down how you feel beforehand so you can hand them the paper.

Ask them for an assessment. They will probably offer you antidepressants, and maybe some councelling if you are very lucky (huge waiting list)

But, listen. The anidepressants do help. In 6 months time, you may be happy again with your dp, or you may have thrown him out, but whatever you choose to do it will be what you want, not what the depression makes you think you want.

handlemecarefully · 27/03/2006 23:11

Mrsdoolittle - remember me? I've always been fond of you (sounds daft since I don't really know you) - I second what everybody else says - you're depressed and you haven't genuinely stopped loving your dh. Small children play havoc with your mental well being and your relationship. Hang on in there and remember that - and get some help

ShaysMummy · 27/03/2006 23:14

everyone else thought i was ok too, because they didnt see what really went on.
my dh got the brunt of it as he was always there, and he is my dh, so i think we all take our partners for granted a bit. i did.
even he didnt notice there was something wrong. he said everything is ok. like your did/does.
i knew there was something wrong with me when although i loved my baby more than life itself, when i cried, i had these terible terrible thoughts about what i could do to shut him up.
things i have not even breathed to my dh, but i know there are ladies on here who will know what i mean.
thoughts that scared me and still scare me now. the thoughts made me think i must be a terrible mother which of course made it all worse.
i told my hv a few months after i was diagnosed, only if she promised not to take my baby away, and she didnt bat an eyelid. she said she'd heard it all before.
its a dark, dark place and it only gets darker if you dont get help.
sorry if ive scared anyone!!!
:)

VeniVidiVickiQV · 27/03/2006 23:14

It makes sense Mrs D - maybe you feel safe (subconciously) that you can vent it on him with no repercussion or people "finding out".

Please talk to him, and see your GP/HV.

And come on here to vent. I did and it has been a HUGE help to me.

PND sucks, its true, and we dont know its there until we are well and truly under its influence.

colditz · 27/03/2006 23:16

I am fine with everyone else. nobody makes me feel as irrationally angry as dp does, and I do feel sorry for him.

\link{http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=2100&threadid=153962&stamp=060313205339\colditz has a wobble}

Original poster

MrsDoolittle · 27/03/2006 23:19

I worry I have a very close friend who was put on AD's, she has never been the same since. I really don't want to go down that route. Dh says he would never have married me if he thought I was 'flakey' like her and I know my family couldn't take it seriously.

HI HMC! I've missed you around

OP posts:

handlemecarefully · 27/03/2006 23:20

Shaysmummy:
"i knew there was something wrong with me when although i loved my baby more than life itself, when i cried, i had these terible terrible thoughts about what i could do to shut him up"

I so agree.......

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