Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How do you tell a good decent man

136 replies

MrsDoolittle · 27/03/2006 22:41

you don't love him anymore?

We have two children, a toddler and one a matter of weeks. I am struggling with an unsettled second child but worse, I can't stand dh anymore.
I don't even undertsand why. He is so good to me. He does everything I ask of him and he really tries so hard to make me happy but I just can't see things the way he does.
I'm sad alot of the time, especially since this awful realisation has hit me. This has now begun to poison the relationship that we do have and I am guilty of being rude and ungrateful. I am angry and snappy.
He is such a good father and husband but I don't don't feel it when I'm with him anymore.

I am really at a loss as to how to deal with this. I don't even know where to start. Months ago I suggested Relate but he dismissed this saying there is nothing wrong.

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 28/03/2006 10:36

MrsD, hope your HV is helpful - it does good to talk, IME.

With expressing, which pump do you have? It's possible to express and feed at the same time with a bit of jiggling, but possibly not the best time for you to try this (you won't run out of milk and you may get more as letdown is often better with a baby on the other side).

Thinking of you - going out soon, but will check this thread again later x x x

VeniVidiVickiQV · 28/03/2006 10:53

Make sure you tell HV everything and let us know how you get on.

Marie12 · 28/03/2006 11:33

I have a 10 month old too and often feel anger and frustration toward my DH. Started when I was pregnant. I just can't help it, I get so snappy with him sometimes even though I don't want to. I feel guilty but then I keep doing it.

I think part of it is because we are so close and he is the first person to lash out to, behind closed doors, IYSWIM. He is the only person that knows my DS as well as I do and who has been through the hard times with me. e.g. colic, teething, sleepless nights. My family and friends don't see that side, just the nice happy smiling care free side.

Everyone always thinks I cope very well and I make it look easy but they don't know what goes on when they have gone home!

I have found that every new mum I have met since having my baby (inc. me) puts on a facade that everything is rosy and perfect, because its almost like to admit that it isn't is to admit failure or some kind of weakness.

Having a baby is the hardest thing I have ever done, it has turned my life upside down, but I wouldn't change him for the world. I adore him, and so does my DH.

I have never sought help for the way I feel, Mrs D, but I admire you so much for having the courage to ask for help from your HV. I really hope she gives you the support that you need right now.

MrsDoolittle · 28/03/2006 11:56

She's just left. Full blown PND.

OP posts:
Marie12 · 28/03/2006 12:03

Are you ok?

bundle · 28/03/2006 12:07

MrsD, I don't know if it will help but here's \link{http://lifeandhealth.guardian.co.uk/health/story/0,,1707782,00.html\an excellent account in the Observer} of one woman's experience of PND, which I found incredibly moving and hopeful in that when you find the right kind of treatment and sympathetic health professionals you really can turn your life around.

MrsDoolittle · 28/03/2006 12:36

Bundle - that article made me cry but I can't really say that is how I feel

OP posts:
MrsDoolittle · 28/03/2006 12:56

I don't know. I feel like I'm making all this up. Am I doing this for attention? I don't want to go on medication.
Why do I feel sick when I breast feed my baby?
Why do I feel so angry to dh all the time?
But I'm getting on fine with ds, he's a bit difficult but if I wasn't annoyed by dh we'd be fine.
I am being lazy I must tidy the house up, I'm just moping about all day.
Oh FGS, I should get a grip girl.

....But I don't know what I'm gonna do...

OP posts:
LadyG · 28/03/2006 13:53

Mrs D- I have one little one who is 7 months old and not struggling with 2 including a newborn like yourself and yet on Sunday I had a screaming fit at DH and threw crockery ! Completely uncharacteristic for me .
All while holding my poor little DS. Why? Because I'd wanted a lie in for 'mother's day' but got up for DS at 5 while DP slept on til 9. He says not unreasonably that if Id woken him Id have got my lie in but as I kept yelling at him-ITs NOT A LIE IN IF YOU HAVE TO WAKE YR DP UP TO GET IT !!
He is the loveliest man yet since the little monkey has been around he pisses me off big time. Yet at other times I know objectively that he is the best thing to happen to me ever and is a kind good man not to mention funny charming and extremely bright. i think that these feelings are so common as to be NORMAL. I remember at about 6 weeks I sat around with my NCT group one day discussing just how much all our DPS pissed us off-they seemed to be on a different planet somehow. We were all so relieved to share and come to the conclusion that since we couldn't ALL have married a*holes our feelings must be normal.
Labelling it as PND may be helpful in terms of obtaining adequate treatment but I think there is a spectrum and everyone goes through something akin to what you are feeling.
My advice would be vent vent vent to HV. Speak to DP. Shout and scream and throw stuff or even better-get a break-go for a walk get some sleep, chat to a girlfriend you can trust. And antidepressants may be worth a try-you can always stop them if you feel things are getting better.

acnebride · 28/03/2006 14:14

MrsD, you said your HV diagnosed PND - what's the next step with that? has she made an appt with the GP? If you don't want to go on medication, maybe the practice has a counsellor you could see? (ours does). Please don't decide that nothing will help before you've seen someone?

I'm another pro-AD person but fully recognise they're not for everybody. Have you talked to your friend who took ADs? maybe she could help?

There may be other things going on too, but with a baby a few weeks old and diagnosed PND please don't make any lifechanging decisions?

VeniVidiVickiQV · 28/03/2006 14:43

Okay Firstly, Mrs D, lets start from the beginning.

What did the HV say - did she do the Edinburgh test?

What does she think the next step should be and has she devised a plan of action?

Has she organised any help for you and will she contact your GP or will you - you need to one way or the other.

Secondly, this is a GOOD development. Its good because now you know why things arent making sense, why you feel angry, you feel like you are struggling/failing etc.

It means you can get the help you need - whatever that help is.

I know you dont want PND - no-one does. But you have it - now you know you have it thats a good thing - you can allow yourself to feel the way you do and not feel bad or confused about it.

AND you can start dealing with it - however its deemed appropriate. I didnt want to take AD's, i was quite scared to tbh. BUT, in the interest of my sanity and the well being of me and my family i felt it was worth trying them for 2 months at least. They have worked me. I didnt want to have counselling - i didnt think i needed to get anything off my chest as such - it was enough to know that i was ill. But counselling works very well for some people.

Please now talk to your DP/DH and tell him what the HV has said, and why, and how you feel. Its very cathartic AND make sure you contact your GP.

MrsDoolittle · 28/03/2006 15:45

Thank you.
Firstly, the hv said that she felt pretty sure that I had PND, pretty full-blown in fact characterised by the terrible rage I am feeling all the time towards dh. Also I had a fair few of the risk factors involved.
I have arranged an appointment with the GP she felt was most appropriate next week and she will see me again after that. She was great tbh, I couldn't have asked for more. Why I'm not sleeping has been explained, why I feel nauseous when I'm breast feeding, why I'm so angry, why I can't go out and why I have become a complete obsessive about the house.
I do need to talk to dh but I am going to be careful. He is a rationalist and I'm afraid that any issue that arises from on (and there are a few) will be put down to PND and we will get nowhere.
I still don't know what to do after that or how admitting this is going to effect the next few months. I don't really feel ready to talk about it to anyone else as I am still so uncertain myself.

OP posts:
MrsDoolittle · 28/03/2006 15:46

Oh and yes, I did the test. Ticked alot of boxes, didn't add them up though.

OP posts:
VeniVidiVickiQV · 28/03/2006 16:11

Okay, at the risk of sounding like a naggy old nag nag - you really need to discuss it with him. Because:

It will be a weight lifted
You wont feel so alone about this
He can start to support you and help you
He can understand you better which could improve things no end
You would expect the same from him if circumstances were reversed
When problems in relationships arise it takes two to sort it - he cant do any of this until he knows whats going on.

Deal with the what ifs as and when they arise.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 28/03/2006 16:12

Oh, and your HV sounds fab Smile which is great.

Keep us posted.... xxx

hunkermunker · 28/03/2006 16:14

MrsD, I'm really glad you're getting some help. You've done the hardest bit - it's out there now and you are aware of why you're feeling like you are. You won't automatically stop feeling like that, but it'll be a tiny bit easier.

Copied this from the site I posted earlier - perhaps you could show it to DH?:

ADVICE FOR CARERS
(Partner, Parents, Friends, etc.)

Don't expect the sufferer to have fears and worries that are reasonable. When you are depressed quite small things can worry or upset you greatly.

Do try to give her as much practical help as possible. Depression makes a sufferer feel extremely tired and small tasks feel like huge ones.

Don't nag. Try to keep your patience even though it may be taxed.

Don't point out shortcomings, unfinished jobs, unkempt appearance.

Don't say "Pull yourself together. You don't know how lucky you are. There are lots worse off than you."

Don't leave her alone with the baby if you feel there is the slightest possibility of her doing harm to the child or herself.

Do try to let the mother express her own true feelings of anxiety and fear, even if she repeats herself.

Do allow the mother to talk freely and express her innermost fears without showing shock or amazement.

Do show consideration and sympathy for her in her predicament. Reassure her that she will recover, repeat this reassurance as often as you can.

Do encourage her to have as much rest as possible.

Do encourage and praise when the mother makes an effort.

Do encourage her to seek professional help if she has not already done so.

Do try to get out with friends, without the children if you can, but never force the mother to do anything she doesn't feel up to doing.

To Partners - Remember she is still your wife/girlfriend, not just the mother to a child.

Don't try to cope alone. You may find the present situation exhausting and stressful. Do talk about your own feelings as much as possible and accept any offers of help.

DON'T BE DISCOURAGED
Remember
PNI is an illness and mothers who suffer from it WILL recover.

handlemecarefully · 28/03/2006 18:33

MrsD - I'm glad that you've got a supportive and helpful health visitor. Recognising and identifying the problem is half way there to resolving it.

Frizbe · 28/03/2006 18:41

Mrs D, I've only just read this, sorry that things aren't too rosy at the mo, but looks like you have things under control with your health vis on the case too {{{Big Hugs}}} you know where to find us for a chat if you need us.

Jasnem · 28/03/2006 19:02

Mrs D

I'd reinforce everything that was said to you last night. Please try and talk to your DH about how you feel, and don't make any big decisions 'til you are feeling better.
ADs have a place in treating pnd and are ften extremely effective, so they are worth considering.

I will be thinking about you...keep in touch
xxxJas

Tabs · 28/03/2006 19:23

MrsD - I have no relevant experience, so can't offer words as wise as the other ladies on this thread, but just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you, and hope that your GP, h/v and mn can help you get through this.

Not sure if DS is still crying/colicky a lot, and this is adding to the stress, but if so, I'd highly recommend a cranial osteopath. It has helped me and DD enormously after a very difficult first 5 weeks.

MrsDoolittle · 28/03/2006 19:54

Thank you everyone. I really do appreciate all your kind and helpful posts.

We're going into the difficult part of the evening now.
Dh has walked the dog with dd, I've bathed her and just put her to bed, all to the dulcet tones of ds (not. Now we have to eat and this is usually the time we get to talk to each other. I know dh is going to quiz me, he has been careful since he came in so far.
I don't want to go in to it too much yet, can't explain why. Maybe it just feels too personal, like I'm laying myself open, I dunno. Maybe 'raw' is the word.

OP posts:
Dottydot · 28/03/2006 20:57

Hi again - just to say dp had PND after having ds1 and up until then she'd actually never been to the GP - so definitely not one for taking any kind of medication. But Sertraline really did the trick - took about 2 weeks to kick in but it was lovely and SUCH a relief to see her coming back again... As a partner of someone who's suffered PND it's so scary to see someone you love just start to disappear before your very eyes. Dp didn't want to talk about it a lot - in fact that was one of her 'things' when she wasn't well - she cut herself off from pretty much everyone - but that was OK with me - I think it helped that I did lots of reading up on the subject. Have you got any leaflets/info that the HV gave you that you could just give your dh to read, and let him know you're not up to talking about it all yet?

Take care xxx

fransmom · 28/03/2006 21:59

mrs d, i agree with you too. it's very scary to feel things like that, i still find it hard to admit to p how i feel, we had another bad night tonight esp when he said i make him feel twice as bad as he makes me feel - he's lucky he hasn't got pnd. i'm glad you got on ok with your hv. (((((hugs))))

JanH · 28/03/2006 22:10

Rhubarb has a website about AND and PND (among other things) - it's \link{http://www.unplannedpregnancies.co.uk/\here}- don't let the title put you off, Mrs D. It isn't complete atm I don't think because it vanished a bit ago and has had to be put back together.

And \link{http://www.geocities.com/ianjkidd/boris/\here} is something to make you smile a bit (at least I hope so - if I'm wrong and it's not you who shares my appreciation it might make you scream Grin)

fransmom · 28/03/2006 22:14

was that a real site, janh?

Swipe left for the next trending thread