How do you tell a good decent man

[MrsDoolittle]

you don't love him anymore?

We have two children, a toddler and one a matter of weeks. I am struggling with an unsettled second child but worse, I can't stand dh anymore.
I don't even undertsand why. He is so good to me. He does everything I ask of him and he really tries so hard to make me happy but I just can't see things the way he does.
I'm sad alot of the time, especially since this awful realisation has hit me. This has now begun to poison the relationship that we do have and I am guilty of being rude and ungrateful. I am angry and snappy.
He is such a good father and husband but I don't don't feel it when I'm with him anymore.

I am really at a loss as to how to deal with this. I don't even know where to start. Months ago I suggested Relate but he dismissed this saying there is nothing wrong.

er - yes, fm - why? (Some people really like him you know!)

oh. maybe my soh up bit wacky-fied tonight. bad night, so thought it was spoof. sorry

Thanks JanH - Boris always makes me smile

Oh, that's OK. He is a bit take-it-or-leave-it and all the pics are wacky

(That was to fransmom, not you, Mrs D - glad it worked!)

Hi Mrs D, no real words of advice as I don't know much about pnd, however just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and you know we are always readily available to be ranted at when you need to Glad to see your hv has been more helpful than your last GP, keep us updated.

MrsDoolittle, I never got back to this thread, sorry.

So glad you got some support from your HV, I hope you get the same level of help from your gp.

On the subject of antidepressants, I found that they didn't change 'me' at all, but they did lift the fog of depression that had been surrounding me for years (was depressed before I had PND) and allowed me to be myself for the first time in years. they don't 'make' you happy, they allow you to be happy.

I'm not saying they are a wonder drug because to lift PND you need other things too. You need support from your partner, even if it just takes the form of giving you plenty of time to yourself. You need to care for yourself - not just they basic hygiene, but taking the time to do the things youenjoy doing - blowdrying hair, plucking eyebrows, choosing clothes instead of slinging the nearest pile on. Councelling really helped, as did forcing myself to leave the house for little periods of time.

But, the antidepressants can give you just enough of a lift to make you want to make the effort to do other things for yourself. That's why I find they help me, I sink into total apathy interspersed with rage when I'm depressed.

HTH.

Thanks colditz.
I didn't speak to dh last night about it. He didn't ask and I didn't offer. We watched tv and talked about other day to day stuff.
I don't know how to talk to him about it, I seem to be splitting inot two people at home. I talk to him like everything is okay but inside I am soooo angry to him all the time. I'm just full of this hideous suppressed rage.
It appears to me that dh must thing I have pnd because of the baby, he made a few comments about how difficult he must be. He behaving very sympathetically which makes it worse. But actually I'm blaming him for me being so miserable and I can't get away from it.
I've only just got up now, I'm sooo tired.

oh mrs D

hope you're feeling better. or getting some drugs into you. or both.

try not to stress about how you feel about dh you can worry about that in a few months if you still feel the same way

as for not feeling like having sex, really, the baby's only a few weeks. i don't much and dd3 is nearly 2. that's normal. depressed or not.

Only just found this MrsD - and no time to reply properly right now. I just want you to know that I am thinking of you, will read thoroughly tomorrow so that I can be informed and supportive, rather than just supportive.

xxxxxx

MrsD

You may or may not have OND but in my experience inexplicable anger/rage is very common in all depression. If you have a lot of anger it is easier and safer to direct that to dh than to your child, though some people get angry with their children too.

Only you can decide if this anger is genuine anger over something dh has done or who he is or the anger comes from somewhere else.

You do need to talk to him and make it clear how serious things are - if you do that he may be more receptive to the idea of Relate than he was.

Also getting help for PND is essential if you feel that is what it is.

hi mrsD i had PND when my dd1 was born and it went undiagnosed for a year i ended up on prozac after trying to overdose.

i found once i had be diagnosed it made me see things more clearly, before that i just thought that now i had a baby thats how life was and didnt think my life would ever be any different i remember sitting with the curtains shut, not getting dressed, not going out, i hated the house i felt it was dirty no matter how much i cleaned it and cleaning was a real effort if i didnt do the entire house from top to bottom til it was spotless then i thought it was dirty and id failed at being a good mum.

a lot of my depression i think was circumstantional(sp?) i was 18, no money no transport no friends nearby etc if i could have changed some of these i would have.

After i was diagnosed i took the tablets for a couple of months and started to get out more and build up my network of friends - they knew what was wrong and were supportive (so were my family - whereas before they just assumed i was coping ok)

its not something you need to hide there is a reason you have been feeling the way you have and its important to realise that its because of the chemicals and hormones in your body that you feel the way you do. get all the help and support you can and dont feel you have to cope with this alone.

i would say after being dianosed it took about 6 months for me to start feeling like i was coping and now im 6years past that point and my life has changed dramatically i have just had my 2nd dd and this time is totally different to the first time.

i odnt know if anything ive said is useful i just wanted you to know you're not alone its not uncommon and you will get past it

you know, it might not be PND. You've got 2kids, one only 6 weeks old and you're clearly doing a great job holding it all together. But you must be mad with tiredness to think "I am being lazy I must tidy the house up, I'm just moping about all day" btw!! You are not moping - you've got a lot on yr plate and have recently given birth FGS!

Your instinct to go to Relate may be the correct one, esp if you've had some stirrings of these thoughts about dh before. It could be the chronic tiredness talking though, or as others have said, PND but just to say don't automatically assume that it is. Have you done the PND test with yr HV yet? If not, that could be your next step

by that I meant do the PND test - if it indicates PND get some medication/therapy.If not, contact Relate and set up an appt with or w/o dh. HTH.

MissChief, MrsD already has had the test (as performed by her HV), it diagnosed full blown PND.

oh, sorry - didn't mean to muddy the waters - read most of start of thread but after 1 hour's sleep rather gormless this am!
Hope you're getting the support you need then MrsD

Thanks again, Everybody!

I'm low this morning. Some aren't as bad as others but ds was fidgeting and feeding most of the night and I was snatching at sleep. Then ds finally did fall asleep and I couldn't.
Dh was getting ready for work and I lay there with a thumping headache, my eyes felt like they had sand in them, the air felt so heavy.
I stayed in bed and now it's almost 1pm, I feel soo lazy but I just don't know what to do.
How can I stop this happening to me? I don't see how medication can change this situation.

I have not 'talked' dh, I find myself completely disengaged in the evening. I feel I must be white with supressed anger, should he probe me atall I would simply blow. The only way I can stop that is not say much atall. He tells me to put ds away and shut the door to give myself a break but he has no idea what he is saying.
A very good friend has asked me to stay, she has split up with her boyfriend and is distraught. I don't know what to say to her. Dh says it would be good for her to come but inside I am screaming "Nooooo"

tell the friend you just can't. tell her you are already struggling and she's welcome to come in future when you don't have a new baby.

one of my closest friends was dumped by her partner of 15 years just after dd3 was born. I did feel bad that we weren't in a place to be much practical help. But that's how it is. you really don't need depressed friend to stay right now.

it's the downside of the easy first baby. seduces us into having another stupidly soon.....

Fennel is right - as much as being a good friend is important, your own life and faamily must always come first. You are not up to handling anyone else's troubles right now.

You say you don't see how medication can help, but that is the depression talking. Right now you are in the middle of a big black bubble - it makes the world all miserable and black and white as you look through it. The medication starts by making the bubble clearer - you start to see all the colours of the world again, and then eventually the bubble pops completely so that you can be part of the world again. Without help (not always medication, but it is good stuff) you stay stuck in the bubble, and everything stays black and miserable, and the longer you are trapped, the more hopeless it all seems.

Your DH needs to know that it is not just the baby that is the trigger, but everything (not specifically him... I don't think you should attack that subject until things start to look clearer).

I don't know if any of that is any help, just my perspective.

You are in my thoughts.

Thank you x x x

I know I must tackle the subject with my friend again this evening, but not right now. Ds is asleep in his bouncing chair, the quiet is a relief, I don't want to disturb it - Damn!!! I spoke too soon.....he's missed me

hi mrs d, how you feeling today? x

Hi fransmom.
I spoke to dh last night , he was trying to rationalise everything, telling me why we need to stay together and why everything is the way it is. he thinks I have defianitly got angrier. He will talk to the hv himself too, at my suggestion.

I wasso tired last night, ds took along time to settle, 1am finally. But he didn't wake til 5.30am!!which is the longest he's managed yet. I was tired but better waking up. I had dd at home today and we went to an activity farm close by. Dd was entertained with no effort from me and we came home happy.

The hv had left a phone message asking how I was and checking to see if I had made the GP appointment. I am wondering today if I really am depressed, maybe I'm just very very tired?

hi mrs d you first. i think that maybe sometimes you are depressed and that when you are tired it makes everything you are going through worse, mainly because you aren't rested enough and therefore don't have enough energy to be able to "cope". i think your dh speaking to hv is definitely a v.good idea, for some reason, some men seem to take more notice if things are pointed out by another impartial 3rd person. so good for you for sticking your foot down and (((hugs))).

i'm glad your ds slept longer, the only thing that could get my dd to sleep longer was to give her a nice warm bath, followed by a massage. you don't have to give him a proper massage, sometimes just rubbing their legs and maybe their arms too with some of that baby oil gel stuff by johnsons (it has chamomile in it) or anything like it will do. then half hour or so after the bath, give the last bottle of the day, maybe read a story, then when he really snuggly, and his milk gone down, put him to bed saying time for bed in a soft voice, possibly repeating yourself several times. you might have to go back in a few times but eventually, hopefully, he will get used to the bedtime "routine" and even ask to go to bed. bear in mind though that this is what works for dd and it took a while to get her into this routine, but it does work 99% of the time.

i'm glad your dd had a brill time at the farm!

please still make the gp appointment though, maybe you could write down beforehand what you want to tell him/her so that you don't forget anything? perhaps make a double appointment so you don't feel rushed. please tell him the truth, they won't be shocked, and then you might be able to feel a lot lighter.

hth, sorry for long post. love fm x (((((hugs)))))

Thank you.
I have a GP appointment today. Wish me luck.
I feel okay at the moment

Hope your appointment went well. I went to mine about antenatel depression and once I'd got the first few words out it was fine. He was really supportive, I hope yours is too.
Thinking of you.