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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do you tell a good decent man

136 replies

MrsDoolittle · 27/03/2006 22:41

you don't love him anymore?

We have two children, a toddler and one a matter of weeks. I am struggling with an unsettled second child but worse, I can't stand dh anymore.
I don't even undertsand why. He is so good to me. He does everything I ask of him and he really tries so hard to make me happy but I just can't see things the way he does.
I'm sad alot of the time, especially since this awful realisation has hit me. This has now begun to poison the relationship that we do have and I am guilty of being rude and ungrateful. I am angry and snappy.
He is such a good father and husband but I don't don't feel it when I'm with him anymore.

I am really at a loss as to how to deal with this. I don't even know where to start. Months ago I suggested Relate but he dismissed this saying there is nothing wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsDoolittle · 27/03/2006 23:42

same difference shaysmummy Sad He meant thrush period. Then proceeded to patronise me saying he was aware that there were websites devoted to thrush- WTF Angry

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 27/03/2006 23:42

there's a special place in hell for men who don't 'believe' in thrush, colic or PND. especially when they're supposed to be doctors. and that place in hell involves their being strapped to a chair to listen to L.Ron Hubbard and Tom Cruise prosthelyse on Scientology whilst having their nuts twisted in a vice.

you make your HV nervous?

gte an after hours appointment.

these people are a waste of space who have no business in healthcare.

ShaysMummy · 27/03/2006 23:42

omfg, wtf!!!??
Angry

TWAT

harpsichordcarrier · 27/03/2006 23:43

there is no shame in having PND or in getting treatment for it.
if you had an infection your GP would prescribe antibiotics.
you have an illness which can be improved with medication. I hope you get the help you need and deserve.
I wish you the strength to get through this.
HC xx

Original poster
MrsDoolittle · 27/03/2006 23:44

I guess I need to go to bed.

OP posts:
ShaysMummy · 27/03/2006 23:45

i must go too but i dont want to leave you!!
mothering instinct kicking in here- its very powerful!!!

hunkermunker · 27/03/2006 23:46

Mrs D, have a look at \link{http://www.apni.org\this site}

Don't make any hasty decisions regarding your relationship - and look after yourself, sweetheart x x x

Original poster
MrsDoolittle · 27/03/2006 23:47

Thanks very much Ladies for all your support but I need to settle this little man here, he's not too comfortable on my lap and hanging off my boob.

OP posts:
ShaysMummy · 27/03/2006 23:49

bless u lovey and for heavens sake get help.
goodnight.
try get some kip.
x x

VeniVidiVickiQV · 27/03/2006 23:51

Come back tomorrow and keep us posted.
x

handlemecarefully · 27/03/2006 23:51

MrsD - will be checking in tomorrow to see how you are...

Original poster
MrsDoolittle · 27/03/2006 23:55

Thanks HMC. I recognise

  1. I stress that the house is not tidy and shout at dh for untidying it
  2. I don't want to see anyone and avoid the phone. I'm feeling terribly guilty right now as I need to ring a close friend whoseb relatioship ha ended Blush
  3. dh pisses me off, I don't want sex and want to leave him
OP posts:
hunkermunker · 27/03/2006 23:57

You will feel much better after telling someone how you feel, I'm positive. Try to sleep when you can. Is there any chance you can express and let DH do a night with the baby? Mine does this on Fridays and it's saved me, quite literally.

Original poster
MrsDoolittle · 27/03/2006 23:58

Thanks hunker but I couldn't think of anything worse. i hate leaving ds with dh

OP posts:
foundintranslation · 27/03/2006 23:59

lateish to this thread.
mrsdoo, I don't have pnd, at least I don't think I do, but since ds was born 10 months ago I have found myself occasionally feeling shocking levels of hostility and rage towards dh - a good decent man who does loads for me and only wants to make me happy. Add to that the dynamics of our domestic/job situation (won't go into it now, there's a thread in Weaning with ice-cream in the title (!)) and we went through a phase of rubbing each other up drastically the wrong way and both doing things that were entirely out of character. It's still not easy now - there are other things, I'm really really struggling atm with aspects of our situation and the sheer vulnerability of being a mother (am trying to find the courage to go to bed right now!! - when I'm lying still with no outside stimulus the fear and worry all rush in) - stuff for a new thread when I can pluck up the courage! But I know (now) I love him and want to be with him. So you see, even in a non-PND situation these feelings are not unheard of. Wishing you all the best to be able to become clearer on how you're feeling yourself.
Thinking of you - take care.

Original poster
MrsDoolittle · 27/03/2006 23:59

he's in the spare room btw. I've offered to move his beside cabinet Grin He didn't laugh

OP posts:
VeniVidiVickiQV · 28/03/2006 00:00

Mrs D - you need an LGJ Grin

i think you need to let DH take over a bit and take hte pressure off of you. Hunker is right, getting a good nights sleep makes a huge difference.

Original poster
MrsDoolittle · 28/03/2006 00:01

Must go ds is crying. night night

OP posts:
handlemecarefully · 28/03/2006 00:02

MrsD - I know (1) - (3) so well. Get some medication!

expatinscotland · 28/03/2006 00:05

i also found an expressed feed after 4 weeks a lifesaver!

Original poster
MrsDoolittle · 28/03/2006 09:43

Morning. Expat - I have thought about expressing. I've taken it out and sterilised, but I don't have enough time outside feeding him to express now.

I have phoned the hv this morning. She is coming round in the next hour. I'd better get dressed.

OP posts:
Dottydot · 28/03/2006 09:50

Oh Mrs D - just found this thread and feeling so sad - I'm so sorry you're feeling like this.

When ds2 was born I didn't get PND but for the first few weeks really hated dp - really couldn't stand her. I was overwhelmed with tiredness and emotion and utterly loved my baby, so she was the only one I could take it out on. I actually left once - dumped ds2 in her arms and stormed out - determined never to come back. Got as far as a bench about 200 yards away and stayed there for a while..! (had to come back when I realised (a) I hadn't got my purse and (b) it was lunchtime and I was hungry! Grin). But I was so angry that no-one really understood how worn down I was and was still in pain from my c-section.

sigh... I hope things start to get easier for you - hang in there with your dh - can you get any help from anyone to take your toddler and baby for a while - just an hour or so every now and then? Sounds like you need sleep.

And as for feeling it - I think that went out of the window for a long time with me and dp - you just live through each day and there's usually nothing else left which is sad but reality - again, it will hopefully get better and just getting and living through the next few months might bring you closer together - you'll have got through the battle together!

good luck and keep posting.

expatinscotland · 28/03/2006 10:11

Keep us all posted, Mrs D!

We're all behind ya!

colditz · 28/03/2006 10:11

Hello mrs DooLittle, I'm so glad you have your hv coming round soon. I'm going to be out all day, but I'll check back on this thread later to see how it went for you.

poppadum · 28/03/2006 10:13

I had PND after ds 2 and extricated myself without drugs, so it can be done, though you should take the advice of your doctor. I got a cleaner/ babysitter instead to get some time to myself, and some time with DH. This is an expensive solution, but if you can at all afford it, I would recommend it.

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