My husband is a total twunt, isn't he????

[wandymum]

This evening I was supposed to be going out for drinks with the mums from DS's prep-school.

Weeks ago, I sent DH an e-mail asking if he could come home early (for him - about 8pm) so I could go. He replied yes. I wrote it on the calendar (over which we have had many 'Outnubered' style rows in the past).

Today we have had both sets of grandparents here for lunch plus builders starting work and two under 5s to chase around. I forgot to remind him this morning, but left a voicemail and a message with his secretary asking him to call me. I sent a text to his mobile and left a voicemail on it - we were in the car on speaker so kids heard his answerphone kick in too (bizarre detail now but will become relevant).

He didn't turn up. I sent a text saying understand you have a lot on and have forgotten, don't worry have cancelled (had arranged lifts etc... so all slightly awkward but these things happen).

He arrived a couple of hours later in a grump because I hadn't cooked. Very grumpy.

I complained this was unfair given that I hadn't even expected to be in (was actually pretty polite considering). He said I had never told him about my plans.

Showed him my e-mail and his response, calendar and texts.

He says I verbally told him I didn't want to go and that I have the wrong mobile number for him so he never got the messages. I really don't believe I can do because when we called from the car his voice was on the answerphone. DS is 4 so will be able to confirm tomorrow. He doens't deny I left a voicemail on his work phone but says as I didn't say it was urgent, I shouldn't have expected a response.

He is a total arse isn't he?

If not then I must be insane and, despite some close calls in the past few years, I'm pretty sure I am not.

What do I do?

It really wouldn't be a big issue if he'd just say sorry I f**ked up but am freaked out by his insistance it is my fault.

[toomuchmonthatendofthemoney]

How did you change?

By daring to have little ones who took your time and attention away from Him, the Master, who should come first in all things at all times? Is he one of these men who just can't stand not being the centre of all attention and this is a mean little way of reminding you that HE is the important one (in his mind) not you?

[TheOneWithTheHair]

Oh wandy :(

You can't carry on like this. You must still have contacts who can help you.

[HappyHalloweenMotherFucker]

well, he would do that, wouldn't he ?

if you were happy with such small crumbs from his table

are you happy with such small crumbs, bearing in mind his over-arching contempt for you ?

you ought not to be

[dreamingbohemian]

Well you said it: work will always be more important to him than his family.

This will become obvious to your DC as they grow older, that's a pretty awful thing for them to have to live with. I don't see how it would be any better than dealing with a divorce tbh.

I assume you only saw the very worst divorce cases? Plenty of people manage amicable divorces, and children do okay.

I myself am very glad my parents divorced when I was young, they would have been a total nightmare had they stayed together.

[wandymum]

I just can't do it.

I know I should. For me I should.

But for them it would not be better. It wouldn't. We haven't reached that point. We don't argue in front of them. They have a "happy" nuclear family.

[dreamingbohemian]

'oh and he has just brought me a cup oof tea and put his arms around me like nothing has happened which is why I would always feel I had detonated the bomb under family life. '

And do you not think that's why he's doing it?

Someone who will flat out lie to your face and deny you did something that you know you did -- well obviously their whole point is to make sure you always feel in the wrong for anything that goes badly.

[HappyHalloweenMotherFucker]

And when they get older to see daddy is the boss, and mummy is the doormat ?

Not a good model of a relationship

[wandymum]

*happyhalloween" that is it - contempt. Obvious to me and everyone else.

[DuelingFanjo]

stay with him bt what is stopping you from ging to him and saying 'right, today's incident was not acceptable and I will not be treated like this. I need you to be there to look after the kids next time I plan a day out and you are never to pull this kind of 'you had the wrong number' shit on me again'?

[HappyHalloweenMotherFucker]

I am so sorry. I am worried for you. I think your life is going to get worse and it's going to happen very soon.

Men who demonstrate such contempt for their wives will always escalate it. You know this.

[NewNames]

Kids don't need to see their parents arguing to know something is up. Unconsciously, this will be going in.

You don't sound like you want to carry on, only that you are resigned to it.

How bad would it be to ask him to leave? Give yourself a fresh start. If you don't now then you will when the kids move out and you're left with nothing except years of not working and an arse of a husband who is still gaslighting you.

Ask him to move out but TELL him he should come over every Saturday/Sunday to see/take the kids. You can get back into your career and maybe even start to be happy again.

Does that sound awful?

[dreamingbohemian]

It will NOT be better for them -- you don't know that.

Arguing is not always the worst that children have to deal with.

What happens when it's your children's calls he's ignoring? All their important events he's missing? When he tells them they didn't do things that they did do?

Emotional neglect is just as bad as arguing.

I know plenty of people from 'nuclear' families who are still mighty messed up.

[HappyHalloweenMotherFucker]

You should strongly consider going back to work, before it is too late and you are wholly dependent on him.

I presume divorce lawyering is something you could only take a short break from before manoevring yourself out of the market ?

he knows this too

when that happens, you are fucked

[NewNames]

(This kind of thing is why I don't think I could ever quit work completely. Another thread perhaps)

[wandymum]

Duelingfanjo - I did tell him it was not ok. Instead of saying fine sorry I'm a numpty, he said bullshit, you didn't tell me what night out?

He sees the kids Sat/Sun now and then is on the phone/blackberry half the time. I now it would be less given the option.

Today is the first time, I have clearly seen through his bullshit. I love him. I genuinely thought I'd been at fault for the last 3 years.

It is more terrifying than liberarting to realise it is NOT me.

I think I may need some more CBT. Urgently.

[HappyHalloweenMotherFucker]

Same here, NN. I will never, ever be finacially dependent on any man.

It's not too late to put it right though. The problem is however, OP sounds paralysed and hoping things will improve. They won't, they will get worse.

[HappyHalloweenMotherFucker]

Darling, you don't need more counselling.

If counselling is giving you the tools to stay, it's the last thing you need

I am going to leave your thread now, because I can be nothing but negative and i am really sorry for that.

I wish you all the best xx

[DuelingFanjo]

"I did tell him it was not ok. Instead of saying fine sorry I'm a numpty, he said bullshit, you didn't tell me what night out?"

so now what is stopping you from going to him and saying 'we need to talk about your bullshit'?

[wandymum]

I am not sure the financiall disparity is a key. He is the main earner now, but I was pre DC and I am pretty sure I could get near to parity without too much problem.

It's more an awareness of how our priorities have realigned - well mine have and his haven't.

Sorry, discussing to delay a decision...

[NewNames]

Book yourself some counselling in the morning OP.

Perhaps make some notes of how you are feeling now - if this has been going on forages you may forget about it in the morn or kid yourself it was no big deal. It is and it's a big deal that tonight has been a bit of an eye opener. Make sure you reminder it and act on it!

[NewNames]

I disagree with Halloween - I think counselling could be good to talk over your problems, but it's really important you remember how you feel NOW.

[dreamingbohemian]

It must be terrifying. I'm so sorry.

More CBT is a great idea. It sort of sounds like you've been reflexively blaming yourself for all kinds of things for the last three years, and CBT would help break that habit.

[Bogeyface]

And if he does see them less......will that be such a bad thing?

My DD was abandoned by her father when she was 3 years old. She was initially confused and hurt but now, 12 years later he decides he wants contact. She has told him to go fuck himself, well words to that effect. She is fine, he on the other hand is all "Woe is me". Who is suffering? Not my DD, and not your DC, because they will have a happy safe and loving homelife that means they dont need him.

Is he, the manipulative abusive shit that he is, really such a loss? Really?

[YellowTulips]

Both myself and DH work in jobs that can become all consuming. However we always find the time to respond to a call/text/Skype even if its just "can't talk now - give me 20 mins" hurried text or IM. Quite frankly it's basic courtesy (even ignoring the fact I love him). Would your DH ignore multiple texts and VM's from a work colleague? Your post sounds as if he is highly dismissive of you and I am flabbergasted (not used that word in a while) about the "wrong number" response. Has he changed his number and not bothered to tell his wife? FFS....it's bullshit. You need to call time on his attitude. I appreciate you want to hold your family together but ignoring/putting up with shit like that might buy you time for now but it will escalate and will break you (and your family unit) in the end. I think you need to reposition your approach to how best to hold your relationship together because enabling his shitty behaviour by not challenging it forcefully IMHO isn't going to deliver what you want long term.

[BrainSurgeon]

{{hugs}}