My husband is a total twunt, isn't he????

[wandymum]

This evening I was supposed to be going out for drinks with the mums from DS's prep-school.

Weeks ago, I sent DH an e-mail asking if he could come home early (for him - about 8pm) so I could go. He replied yes. I wrote it on the calendar (over which we have had many 'Outnubered' style rows in the past).

Today we have had both sets of grandparents here for lunch plus builders starting work and two under 5s to chase around. I forgot to remind him this morning, but left a voicemail and a message with his secretary asking him to call me. I sent a text to his mobile and left a voicemail on it - we were in the car on speaker so kids heard his answerphone kick in too (bizarre detail now but will become relevant).

He didn't turn up. I sent a text saying understand you have a lot on and have forgotten, don't worry have cancelled (had arranged lifts etc... so all slightly awkward but these things happen).

He arrived a couple of hours later in a grump because I hadn't cooked. Very grumpy.

I complained this was unfair given that I hadn't even expected to be in (was actually pretty polite considering). He said I had never told him about my plans.

Showed him my e-mail and his response, calendar and texts.

He says I verbally told him I didn't want to go and that I have the wrong mobile number for him so he never got the messages. I really don't believe I can do because when we called from the car his voice was on the answerphone. DS is 4 so will be able to confirm tomorrow. He doens't deny I left a voicemail on his work phone but says as I didn't say it was urgent, I shouldn't have expected a response.

He is a total arse isn't he?

If not then I must be insane and, despite some close calls in the past few years, I'm pretty sure I am not.

What do I do?

It really wouldn't be a big issue if he'd just say sorry I f**ked up but am freaked out by his insistance it is my fault.

[toomuchmonthatendofthemoney]

Yes, manipulative lying gas lighting disrespectful twunt.

Great example for your DS to want to copy and grow up to be like, eh? Are you sure materialistic things will mean more to your kids than living in a happy, if not as large, home with a happy confident carefree mum? Just a thought.

It may to come to that of course. You need a good sit down talk with him. He needs to rethink how he acts towards you. IF he refuses to even consider this, THEN you need to start thinking if this is what you want and are prepared to put up with "no matter what"

[wandymum]

and yes, I have plenty of good babysitters on standby but this time he said he's be here.

[Bogeyface]

great minds dreaming

[Bogeyface]

What is his job? Has he been jealous of your career? Or perhaps did he big you up hugely before you had kids but is less supportive now?

Does he take his self esteem from his job as "provider" and is perhaps putting you down because he knows you could be both good parent AND provider when he couldnt?

[MrsWembley]

Ok then, back him into a corner so that you are in charge and he doesn't dare let you leave. Be the dominant one, be the one who calls him on every single fuck up, be the one who makes him feel like he's going mad and doesn't know what's right and what's wrong...

Coz that's the only way you'll stay sane, and I'm not even sure that will work.

[dreamingbohemian]

Bogey

OP -- really, you were a divorce lawyer?

To what extent is your aversion to leaving due to seeing so much carnage in that field?

I ask because I don't think it's really rational to say you will stay no matter what. It's worth thinking about what's driving you to feel this way.

[janelikesjam]

Agree with Mrs Wembley, change the "rules", be the dominant one, call him on crappy behaviour every single time, and don't back down. Get angry even sometimes if you want to, if it feels appropriate. What would happen then? (Though I have my doubts too it will work in the long run.)

(The only way the rltnshp you currently describe will work is if you back down every single time ... think about how that will probably effect you in the L-T.)

[wandymum]

Have previously suggested couples counselling but he refuses.

I had counselling for a year after PND. Brilliant and genuinely lifechanging but he is of the school that counselling = weak. Won't go. Thinks I am a loser for having been and imagines it was all sitting around and discussing what a shit he was. Clearly, it was in fact sitting around discussing how my own behaviour was unhelpful.

Our backgrounds are quite different. I couldn't give a shit about the money, kids' schools etc.... would just like him to be here more. He will not consider any form of career change.

I know this sounds lame but I don't ask for much. Yes work will always be more important than family to him but he could at least understand that this involves a sacrifice for us. He can't resent us for even expecting time with him.

[Bogeyface]

Dreaming ,makes a good point (again ). Is it that you have seen so many bitter divorces where the children have come off worse, that makes you feel that you would stay despite everything?

[Bogeyface]

But he does resent it doesnt he?

He does resent you need him to step up sometimes, doesnt he?

Are you prepared to live like that for the next...what..18 years?

[JustSpidero]

I don't think your being a divorce lawyer is ironic at all.

I worked as a secretary in a law firm several years ago and spent a fair bit of time supporting the family department.

My cousin had her son at 15 and quite honestly she and her now ex-partner (and her new DH) are more grown up than many of the middle-aged, middle class men whose behaviour I read/heard about in that context. It was absolutely shocking what some of them got up to.

[wandymum]

Yes, I understand that 100% the reason I don't want to leave is because I saw so much carnage in my job.

They love their daddy and I would be very worried about how regularly they would see him if we split. It would then be very easy for him to be at work...

[HappyHalloweenMotherFucker]

Would you consider going back to work, OP ?

He clearly resents you and holds you in contempt for staying at home.

[wandymum]

What I find oddest is that until the DCs he could not have been more caring. What happened? How did I change?

[JustSpidero]

On a practical note - if you did want to stay and prevent this happening again - you can synchronise your calendars with a GoogleMail account!

[Viviennemary]

Well I feel a bit sorry for him actually. Not getting home till after 8 pm every night. Still I agree he should have remembered he was needed at home.

[HappyHalloweenMotherFucker]

You would also be in a better position to get your confidence back, and realise you can do it without him. Your own personal "fuck you". You know all this though.

[Bogeyface]

They love their daddy and I would be very worried about how regularly they would see him if we split. It would then be very easy for him to be at work

And from your job you know that that is down to him, not you. You cant make him be a good father, either by staying or leaving. Tbh, he doesnt sound like much of a contender for father of the year as it is. How many hours a week does he spend with them now? If he had them every other weekend from Fri evening to Sunday Evening, would it be more or less than he sees them now?

In all honesty, can you really say that he is a better father now than he would be if you were to leave?

[Bogeyface]

What I find oddest is that until the DCs he could not have been more caring. What happened? How did I change?

You grew up. You became a fully functioning, unselfish caring person. He didnt. He failed at the great test of life, you passed.

[Bogeyface]

Vivien does he need to stay or does he choose to stay because he can opt out of family life? Worth thinking about......

[wandymum]

That's what is scaring me today. We have these bizarre situations every 6 months or so but this is the first time since I have been 100% sure that I'm not affected by the PND. So, for once, I know it is not fucking me.

But it's worse, because I know he knows it to. So it is him being a shit. We both know it and know we are playing chicken to keep peace around the house and he knows I'll break first. And I bloody will too, bastard.

[Redbindy]

OP, I've just read through this thread. Your initial assessment appears to be correct. What you do about it is up to you.

[wandymum]

I am totally sure that he would see the DCs less if we didn't live together than he does now. 100%.

[HappyHalloweenMotherFucker]

so, let me get this straight

you will stay with this fucking awful man, to ensure he sees his children, despite losing your mental health in the process

yep, your kids will thank you for that in later years....

[wandymum]

oh and he has just brought me a cup oof tea and put his arms around me like nothing has happened which is why I would always feel I had detonated the bomb under family life.