date raped.

[NumbAndRaw]

Am in shock a month later. If not worse.

Really really nice guy. He blew me away with his gentleness and thoughtful ness.

After a short while, and having esteem issues, he was brilliant about putting me at my ease.

Couple of dates later, he wanted to experiment with something I wasn't keen on, and up to a point I thought he had respected my wishes... but then he decided he wanted to proceed. And within minutes, despite everything I know and know I should have done. He had carried out what he wanted to do.

After a history of rape, abuse, assault, control and manipulating relationships, there is no indignity left for me to endure.

I am beyond feeling at the moment.

A hot water bottle for warmth might help you.

Perhaps you could speak to your mum after speaking to the rape crisis people.
You dont have to tell her anything. Just speak to her for a chat.

I am going to go to bed and put the electric blanket on amillion,

Can feel it hitting me again, so am going to go to bed and try to sleep.
Sometimes you wish you really could wake up and everything had been an awful dream....

Good night and [hugs]

My sweetheart

I am just reading this.

I wanted to let you know you are not a small person. You have a heart and courage the size of a small planet.

I can't take away what happened. But I can let you know that I am here and I believe you, and I believe IN you.

I have just posted and lost my post and don't have it in me to re write..

But after a mixed night I feel a bit flat and stupid. That after all I had been through and how hard I had worked in counselling for 3 years I just walked straight back into an abusive situation.
I ahve a little mantra, that I can't change my past, but it doesn't have to define me. But it feels very much right now that it does.

I dont believe for a minute that your 3 years in counselling was wasted.
I suspect that if you are able to think back to how you were before the counselling,that you are a different person today,much much emotionally stronger.
I think it would be good to read the previous posts on here from others and yourself about how the current situation may have occurred.

that is a good idea amillion, I might do that before I ring rape crisis... I am going to try today.

My brother has been texting about his alcoholism, and Mum keeps saying how reassured she is that he has me for support. Because no one knows. He must make the connection... I don't know, he is like my father, very self absorbed, and although she admits you can not diagnose without speaking to someone, my counsellor says she is effectively treating someone who has been 'victim' of narcissistic relationships. Sometimes I feel like a character in someone else's story. Then some times it is just painfully real.

The support is priceless, like being carried abit. x
I am going to name change... I need normality to stop things getting too big in my head.. thank you x

You've hit the nail on the head, NAR, with feeling like a character in someone else's story ... You know that's all other people are, to a Narcissist? It's not really their fault, it's a disorder, but being treated like a prop in the drama of someone else's life is incredibly painful, damaging, and leaves us wondering who we really are sometimes.

You DO exist! Your own feelings, thoughts, opinions and experiences are perfectly worthwhile. They are yours, and precious. I agree with amillion, your therapy has been a great benefit and given you new wisdom.

I'm sorry your mum's still stuck in your dad's fantasy, but you cannot help her except (perhaps) to show her what you see. I've done my best with my own Mum but, to be honest, it's a very slow & careful process which can never be fully successful. I don't know whether she was weird before she married him but it's a long time since she decided to love a psychopath more than she loved anyone else; that choice and its effects cannot be undone.

I hope you'll keep posting even if you namechange :) Please keep being true to your real self and remember to treat yourself with loving kindness. xx

Still thinking about you ... Something you wrote earlier reminded me of a conversation we've been having in my support group. While each of us hankers, now again, to be "a normal" who's never experienced abuse and has no reason to understand about red flags and co-dependence, etc, we recognise that our recovery processes bestow on us a kind of wisdom. We have razor-sharp Twat Radar these days. OK, it comes from having been so traumatised that we've studied what went wrong in hopes of avoiding repetitions, but it is a gift actually. It comes in a package with improved self-knowledge and self-worth, a warm understanding of what good relationships and good people are made of, and a bonus surprise of not really feeling any bitterness.

It truly is worth making the effort to do the process - tough as that process is. Of course I envy people who've never needed to. But, then again, we have better self-knowledge and more understanding of human diversity than they do.

Mumsnet is an astonishing source of insight, support and strength for women in recovery. I hope you will hold its collective hand tightly, and continue along your path to real freedom.

Other people's problems are just that NAR. For alcoholism, there is AA, point him in that direction. Someone else's drinking is too much to bear at the best of times. You're the most important person here, concentrate on you

How are you this evening ?
Were you able to ring rape crisis.
As regards to your brother,does he expect you to text him back? Dont do it if you dont want to.
Perhaps you could tell your mum you are not in a good place right now,but tell her you dont want to tell her why. You could say you are getting some support,to help put her mind at ease a bit. This way,also,if your brother goes round complaining that you are not helping him,your mother will understand a bit as to why.

I have e mailed them. I simply can not articulate in spoken word what I can on paper, whether virtual or actual.
I c and p'd some of my words on here.

It felt right for now.

I live most of my social life through the internet... am a bit bad at making real life connections.
But small steps I suppose.

I keep responses to my brother very succinct, I do find it hard to shake the 'guilt' thing.

DD1 here.... but thanks.. xx

Well done.It must still have been hard for you.

And replying to your brother must be so hard too.
I think you will find it easier as you go along not to feel guilty about your brother.

Well done, NAR :) I agree with amillion, it will start to get easier. Wishing you a peaceful night.

Hey NAR
how's it going?
thinking of you

Thank you..

I had a really couple of rough days
I had a day off on wednesday, and just cried and raged and cried and cried. I hardly even dare go out because when anyone spoke to me I just filled up again, and if anyone one was nice it was too much.
Thursday was a little better but I felt completely washed out.

It was funnily enough and in some ways nice that a male friend on line that just offered a voice of reason.... and on thursday afternoon I went swimming and swam really hard for over an hour.

I have emailed Rape Crisis and started an online conversation ,.....

my brother is now online talking about suicide..... he is drunk.......
how do i do this? how?

I'm still here too.
You are doing very well.
Agree that your brother is not likely to do anything.
Look after yourself right now. x

really really thank you xx for ''Nothing past, nothing future. Nothing exists but this moment. And, in this moment, you are strong, here and fighting. No fucker can take that off you.''

It is pretty well what my friend said.

After I came out of the swimming pool I felt at 'peace'.

I think he (my brother) was alluding to the past, he was talking about Jimmy Saville............ and feeling guilty.
He doesn't have the right to explore my pain though.

Someone, and I can't remember who or when exactly said recently, 'you don't have low self esteem, you just don't have any'

And at the time, it felt like that, but I think I kind of felt better after all the emotion came out. Like taking a decaying, festering splinter out of my brain.

It sounds to make like you are coming out the other side. That you are starting to build your own life again.

I think if I hadn't already been through the stuff I have, what happened recently, being raped, would have possibly have had a bigger impact, but having dealt with so much, and been in counselling for so long, I have developed coping strategies that kicked in.

And having MN, and somewhere to 'disclose'.
Aside from the obvious, the damage done by my abuse in the past was keeping it secret. Some of it for over 30 years. so all those feelings, and the hurt, and loneliness just kind of brewed.

When I went to counselling on monday, my counsellor had to support me into the room, because my legs kept buckling, and this thread has been like that.

Now I suppose it is about dealing with it, and healing, again.

I am glad you are getting some RL help as well as the help on here.
The fact the counsellor knows about both situations means that you dont have to hide anything from her if you dont want to.
Do you see her weekly?

I did for a long time amillion, the last year it has been 2/3 weekly.

The sad irony is that I have been 'avoiding' dealing with certain issues, that in a way are the foundation to some of my MH issues. Completely locked into a dark place.

I will never ever think the rape was in any way beneficial, but it did trigger the past week of everything really coming to the surface. I think I reached rock bottom this week. Really did .
I have never been both so sorry and so grateful to be a Mum, because I so desperately needed to escape and let everything go. But my DC's kept me grounded.

Apart from a few 'safe' men I have almost cut any contact with men for a long time, unless courtesy demands it.

When I listened to my brother on the phone last night, hanging on to his own thread, I felt detached. Saying the right things to keep him 'here'.
He has two children.

I am away to see family with whom I have lovely connections shortly, and the break will help.
After my childhood rape, no one knew, and I changed, but my father especially sensed the change in me.
And wrote to me telling me I was 'bitter, unloveable and incapable of loving anyone because I was so cold hearted.' Among many other things.

That poor, poor young girl. I watched Good Will Hunting by mistake this week, and when it got to the end where Robin Williams tells Will that 'it's not your fault' I went to pieces, not for the now me. But that girl who kept secrets for so long, and has been weighed down and held back by the pain.

I still feel a little in pieces, but like I can actually start putting them back together now.

I think I will take the path that beth1234 took re the police. Because at the moment there is still too much to contend with. And there are threads of my life that still demand a huge amount of energy.
DD1 has massive issues relating to the way our lives were before her Dad left, and DD2 needs balance of energy.

I am exhausted, but at least now hopeful. And again, the support of this thread, even thinking of it when I have been elsewhere.
I may let it go soon. But the compassion and humanity found here is more outstanding than the cruelty that some people show.

Thank you just isn't enough xxx