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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

date raped.

127 replies

NumbAndRaw · 14/10/2012 17:23

Am in shock a month later. If not worse.

Really really nice guy. He blew me away with his gentleness and thoughtful ness.

After a short while, and having esteem issues, he was brilliant about putting me at my ease.

Couple of dates later, he wanted to experiment with something I wasn't keen on, and up to a point I thought he had respected my wishes... but then he decided he wanted to proceed. And within minutes, despite everything I know and know I should have done. He had carried out what he wanted to do.

After a history of rape, abuse, assault, control and manipulating relationships, there is no indignity left for me to endure.

I am beyond feeling at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
NumbAndRaw · 15/10/2012 11:09

Very deflated Princess.

Something else that just gutted me really...

I live in the same house that I did with Ex,
He had drink/anger management issues, and if intimacy came up, he would often fall asleep, drunk and snoring mid act.
I had sort of turned my bedroom into a 'safe' place to eradicate some of the memories, and initially with this man, hadn't gone to the bedroom, but that night did.
I don't know what to do about that.
I have long term plans to move but for the time being have to start again.

I have just arranged to see family (that I have few connections with but often ask me to visit) over the weekend...
Family my Father refused to have much to do with really. Getting away for a couple of days will help I think.

Going for a walk, this is helping so much. Thank you xx

OP posts:
amillionyears · 15/10/2012 11:39

Can you use another room as your bedroom from now on, until you move?

PrincessSymbian · 15/10/2012 12:32

Or just try totally re-arranging your room, turn the mattress over, get new bedding, perhaps even get a smudge stick (huge bundle of sage that you burn and wave around, meant to clear places of negative energy), that kind of thing?

glendathegoodwitch · 15/10/2012 15:03

big hugs to you numb - hope you are able to tell your counsellor what happened, hopefully she will you some coping strategies to get through the moments when you get locked in your head.

nevermind your family at the moment - you need to look after yourself first and foremost. hopefully you will be able to seek advice from people who can help you take this down which ever route you feel is the best for you.

none of this is your fault, please keep this in your mind like a mantra.

wishing you well flower xxx

stargirl1701 · 15/10/2012 15:58

Thinking of you today OP.

MushroomSoup · 15/10/2012 19:34

I have no great wisdom to offer you. I just wanted to let you know I'm here and I'm listening.

amillionyears · 15/10/2012 19:47

Am wondering how it all went with the counsellor.

Am also thinking,that if you ended up not going for any reason whatsoever, that you would still feel able to come on here.

garlicbutty · 15/10/2012 19:55

Yes, of course, NAR, amillion's right. You can talk here any time. Hope your walk helped clear your mind and you're some sort of okay. I'm thinking of you too.

Original poster
NumbAndRaw · 15/10/2012 20:45

Thank you,

I had to pick my DD's up after counselling. Which I think both helped and was the most difficult thing I have ever done.

For today. I just cried a lot, and managed to 'disclose' what happened. The counsellor is part of an organisation that I turned to re my childhood abuse.
The two things feel monumental.
I am being asked for permission for my brother to be reported to the authorities, and one part of me knows this the right thing to do, the other is just so scared of everything that will follow with regards to the family.

And my Mum SadSad
So that is huge in itself..

She has also offered to 'hold my hand' re the rape. And everything that will need to be done. When I think about it I feel sick, she says a docs appointment would be a good start. I am terrified of talking to the police.
She said something about me and the 'adults as Risk register' but I have cried so much I am not sure what she meant.

I feel very, very small, lost and tired and sad. I had worked so hard in counselling to start moving forward.
I have strategies and a 24hr number for support, as well as MN.

I have cancelled two family events where my brother would have been, and expressed that I have no wish to discuss why.

Part of my head feels like it can 'cope' but the other just wants to keep screaming.

Thank you, I can't register individual comments and points at the moment.

I have sleeping tablets, I am going to take them (prescribed dose) shortly when my DD's have settled, and try to sleep. I keep thinking I am going to be sick Sad

xxx

OP posts:
PrincessSymbian · 15/10/2012 20:54

Did I read that correctly? That your counsellor/therapist is trying to get you to report it? If that is what you want to do, then that is fine but if it is not a course of action that you wish to undertake, she should be supporting you in that.

Original poster
NumbAndRaw · 15/10/2012 21:11

glerincess, she has expressed that she respects my, almost terror, at the thought of what it will entail..
But had to report to a superior due to the nature of the abuse. She says that it is felt I should give them a name..... maybe they have concerns about him re offending as an adult as he is obviously very disturbed at the moment?

In my other life experience. I have not close friends, but friendly acquaintances with a number of people with gender dysphoria, and no issues with other people's sexuality.. my brother is getting support for being or having suicidal thoughts.. and the sad sick thing is, he was a victim of my father's weird emotional abuse as much as me. If I thought he could carve a new life for himself, I would rather just move and cut contact.
I am such a 'victim' of mind games.. he texts a desperate text, and my nerves jangle...
And through the break up of my own marriage, and my near breakdown as a result, he had little time for me and was highly dismissive of MH issues, as he 'didn't get them'
Weirdly, I am quite bitter about that.

I look at what I write and am horrified, if you break it down into chunks, you 'manage' it, but the whole picture is crap.

I am going to name change to usual MN name, the normality of the chat helps a bit.

But thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I don't think i could have got through the last 24 hrs with out this thread and the support it has raised xx

OP posts:
Original poster
NumbAndRaw · 15/10/2012 21:12

*Princess, sorrry

OP posts:
HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 15/10/2012 21:28

All the best, love x

itsthequietones · 15/10/2012 21:32

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. Please be kind to yourself. You will get through this, breath by breath, step by step. We are all here for you xxx

PrincessSymbian · 15/10/2012 21:53

I just want to say it is not your job to make sure these people don't hurt others.
Their actions are not your responsibility.

PrincessSymbian · 15/10/2012 22:00

I wanted to also add, that another poster (beth1234) has kind of been dealing with similar stuff, she went and spoke to the police, off the record so to speak, which means should her ex-partner come to the polices attention in another situation, they will know (unofficially) that he has a history of this.

ImperialBlether · 15/10/2012 22:12

I imagine your brother is fucked up as a result of his actions as well as his personality driving his actions. Who could be happy knowing he'd done what he has?

I'm so sorry you've had this awful time, OP. I'm so, so sorry for you. I know that doesn't help, but I hope you know just how much we are all rooting for you.

garlicbutty · 15/10/2012 22:20

Just a friendly hand-squeeze from me, too, NAR. Good to hear you've got a sleeping pill, counselling churns your thoughts up and it's helpful to get a decent sleep while your mind starts processing them. Wishing you optimistic dreams. x

amillionyears · 16/10/2012 07:43

I hope you have had some sleep.
So many things for you to think about.
I hope you get rested so that you can think clearly about the way ahead. x

Original poster
NumbAndRaw · 16/10/2012 10:40

I have slept a little thank you,
I want to switch off today though. If I start to think about things, it feels like I will drown.
I feel a bit 'ill' which my counsellor always say is normal after a difficult session.

When I close my eyes, I see myself shutting my front door, walking away and never ever returning to the area.. with my DC's and My poor Mum.

PrincessSymbian, is that an option at first, to talk to them informally without immediately triggering a chain of events I don't feel I can handle yet?
It won't stop him though? And if he has any more 'victims' and we all want to lock it out, so many more people could be hurt. And he gets away with it. SadSad
That chain of thoughts triggers my sick feelings.
I have to stop today.

OP posts:
garlicbutty · 16/10/2012 10:49

You're not responsible for his actions, NAR. Nor your brother's, for that matter.

By making a complaint against him, you can do something to help any future victim as his name will already be on file when she complains. You can discuss this with Rape Crisis, who will have all the correct legal information.

Just for now, perhaps you can stop your "what if" thoughts by remembering the honest truth that their actions are their choices. You are not in charge of those, only yourself and your children. Wishing you a peaceful, healthy day :)

amillionyears · 16/10/2012 11:05

Rest today may be best.

JuliaScurr · 16/10/2012 17:13

how's it going, OP?

beth12345 · 16/10/2012 19:40

Hi NAR, so sorry that this is happening to you.
As PrincessSymbian mentioned above, I have recently been to the police about my ex. It was possible for me to provide the police with some details of what happened to me, which they were able to file as 'intelligence' rather than 'allegations'.
If you do want to go down that route you need to be really clear with the police that you are not making an allegation. I initially phoned the main rape crisis number and asked about whether I could do this, and they told me they thought not as the police have to investigate every report of rape. However, I asked the same question at my local rape crisis centre, and they spoke to the police on my behalf and arranged for me to do this. I then checked and double checked when I actually met up with the police, to really be sure that I was not going to trigger an investigation, before I gave his name and some details.
My ex lives in an area covered by a different police force, so I also checked that when the info is forwarded to his local police force it will not trigger an investigation there. This only happened in the last few weeks, but I have been assured that there will be no investigation, the info simply stays on file but if anyone else were to complain about the same man then I would be re-contacted and I could then change the intelligence into allegations (if I wanted to, there apparently would be no pressure on me to do so).
For me, this was a really positive thing to do - but it obviously won't be for everyone.
I hope that info helps x

Original poster
NumbAndRaw · 16/10/2012 21:35

beth, thank you for taking the time to post.
Knowing how confusing it all is, I really appreciate it..

That really is food for thought, to a certain extent with both situations, re the rape and my brother.

The denial keeps kicking in a little, like I imagined it. Maybe it is self preservation, and I feel a bit flat.
And I cant get warm. Which has probably got nothing to do with anything but as I am not normally much bothered by the cold, it feels linked.

I do need to speak to some else though, and will probably ring rape crisis tomorrow.

I want my Mum so much. but things are so complicated, and I know it would just be too much for her... Sad
Still have this stupid ache to just be cared for, SadSad
I have had very limited positive sexual experience and despite everything, something inside me wants a warm realtionship and the chance to be a 'woman' instead of a thing.

OP posts:
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