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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

date raped.

127 replies

NumbAndRaw · 14/10/2012 17:23

Am in shock a month later. If not worse.

Really really nice guy. He blew me away with his gentleness and thoughtful ness.

After a short while, and having esteem issues, he was brilliant about putting me at my ease.

Couple of dates later, he wanted to experiment with something I wasn't keen on, and up to a point I thought he had respected my wishes... but then he decided he wanted to proceed. And within minutes, despite everything I know and know I should have done. He had carried out what he wanted to do.

After a history of rape, abuse, assault, control and manipulating relationships, there is no indignity left for me to endure.

I am beyond feeling at the moment.

OP posts:
amillionyears · 14/10/2012 22:08

Just wanted to reply to let you know I am still here.
My personal knowledge of this is limited, so if I dont post much more it is for that reason.
I did used to mentor a teenager,in a voluntary capacity,where sexual abuse was normal in her family.
At the time I knew her,she was still at a stage of thinking it was normal behaviour. I am not in contact with her now,so I dont know how she is getting on.
I understand about the keeping it secret bit.
And about the keeping contact with your mum.
And about wanting love from a decently behaved man.

Original poster
NumbAndRaw · 14/10/2012 22:12

a million SadSad have fallen apart. it hurts so so much and I don't know how to deal with it all.....

I am never going to be normal.

OP posts:
garlicbutty · 14/10/2012 22:20

Oh. My. God. Poor you. Congratulations on recognising how past abuse & betrayal have affected your present life; that's the worst part done! It sounds like your family is one huge mass of toxic secrets ... a very high proportion of abusive groups, like abusive individuals, respond to disturbances by putting on a display of excessive harmony. (you should have seen mine at Dad's funeral)

I'm sorry to hear of your brother's confusion but, of course, it comes nowhere near excusing what he did to you and your stuff, nor your parents' apparent complicity. Of course you doubt yourself and have weird boundaries ... you weren't taught respect for yourself and confidence, as you should have been.

Don't worry about being liked. The important thing now is to make a decision to start learning how to like yourself. There really is good support available, you have to ask the right people.

So have your told your "family" to get stuffed? Why are you protecting your mum?

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 14/10/2012 22:21

I am still listening too x

amillionyears · 14/10/2012 22:21

You were doing very well.
I believe you will do well again.
I believe that in the future that you will feel better.
I so wish those of us on here could come and help you.

I am presuming there is just your DD with you at present.
Look after your DD.Look after yourself for tonight.
At some point tonight try and lie down and rest,even if you dont sleep.

Tomorrow is tomorrow.
People on here will support you.

garlicbutty · 14/10/2012 22:22

Crossposted. It's okay to fall apart! No need to keep it buttoned up now, you're all your own woman with your own space.

What do you mean by 'normal'? I think I know, but shan't make assumptions for you.

garlicbutty · 14/10/2012 22:26

I want it all to stop and everything to be out of my head

I know.

Can you believe it when I tell you thoughts can't harm you? It's okay to wrap yourself in a comfy blanket, curl up and breathe through the thoughts. It's okay to write them down, if it helps get them 'out', and it's very okay to cry.

But don't try to block them with substance or behaviour. Even if you hurt yourself, your thoughts are still your own. So get as cosy as you can and let them flow. People are holding your hand here.

Bobits · 14/10/2012 22:26

I am so very sorry this has happened to you :(
In no way did you deserve what has happened in your life.

You are normal, you have just had very unkind people do very hurtful things to you - any person in your position would feel exactly the same.

I can appreciate other posters urging you to report - I do not want to suggest this is in anyway bad advice - but I'd also like to say if you don't feel ready or able to right now, that is ok - It is so painfully hard to talk about rape or sexual assault in RL to a friend, to someone you trust never mind the police - so I understand and think your very brave if you choose not to report.

I also understand when you (or anyone else) is hurt in this way, if you were hurt in this way before, it can bring back past painful memories, which can be very difficult to deal with. You are being very strong to post on here and I hope even just writing this down brings you a little peace that you have shared it here and it lightens the burden.

I am very glad to hear you are getting support from a centre regarding abuse and hope that having somewhere you are already in touch with, will make talking about it easier xx

Sending you hugs xx

MaBaya · 14/10/2012 22:35

I am so sorry this has happened. I believe you.

You must speak to Rape Crisis. I think in your case, having already been subjected to sexual abuse, it is especially important. This is NOT your fault, and you need support to be able to take this further and, hopefully, report this rapist to the police.

Good luck. And please keep posting

DowagersHump · 14/10/2012 22:45

I am so very, very sorry. I hope very much the centre can help you. It takes time to recover from something like this - emotionally as well as physically.

I haven't been through the half of what you have but I do know what it's like to be 'date-raped' and I think the biggest mistake I made was in thinking it really wasn't a big deal. My subconscious disagreed. Be kind to yourself and take everything slowly.

And don't feel pressurised into doing anything you don't feel ready to do. If you feel able to report what's happened, great, if you don't, that's ok too.

Have a very gentle hug xxx There's lots of people here for you.

AvonCallingBarksdale · 14/10/2012 22:52

OP please get in touch with rape crisis. They can offer you a helpline service or face to face counselling. There's no charge or time limit and they are completely on your side. Xx

Original poster
NumbAndRaw · 15/10/2012 06:48

I haven't slept well , and don't think I have ever felt so low and hurting.

My brother rang me a fortnight ago, telling me he wanted to drive at high speed into the path of a lorry. Apart from being wrong on so many levels (he has 2 children) Just briefly I thought I wished he were not 'here', but nevertheless, I talked him through because humanity has not left me.

I 'feel' guilty, and know that if I were to disclose I would have so much of their feelings and issues to contend with , and I would somehow be expected to validate their feelings.

The really bad thing is, I know what I have to and should do, but I feel so small and broken and hurt and lost that I have to admit a aprt of my just wants to lock it away with all the other bad stuff because I am not strong enough to do anymore.

And in the back of my mind I know unless these men are reported and made to face the consequences, they will reoffend, and somehow that makes me share responsibilty for their actions and I feel like I am going to crack with the enormity of it all.

And all because I wanted something good and kind and tender in my life...........

SadSad i wish there was a tablet for the pain right now

OP posts:
amillionyears · 15/10/2012 06:59

Hello NumbAnd Raw,
I didnt think you would sleep well, I dont think anyone would.
I am normally up at this time,I thought you might well be too today.

All those feeling you have and had about your brother are perfectly normal. And it is lovely that you still have your humanity.

What the men do is very very wrong behaviour. And if you feel able to report them, then yes, it should help towards some of them not reoffending.

Your loving goodness is still there,and it is lovely to see.

Thistledew · 15/10/2012 07:02

It's not your job to counsel your brother. You have absolutely no obligation to at all. Even setting aside his abuse of you, his problems are too great for you to take on and try to help him through. With the abuse, even more so. It is a continued abuse of you by your family for them to expect you to step in and help 'fix' your brother. If you had a close relationship, you may have been in a place to support him, but you do not. He chose to treat you abhorrently and now has no right to call on you for support.

Your brother needs professional counselling. The best way you can help him and help yourself is to say to him that he needs to pursue this because you are not in a position to be able to help him.

Please don't feel that you have to take on his burdens as well. You really, really don't.

wellieboots · 15/10/2012 07:03

Hi,
Just wanted you to know there are people listening. Please go to the police and Rape Crisis, something similar happened to me and I didn't, because friends managed to convince me that it wasn't rape because I didn't scream or fight him off and he was my nearly fiancé. I too had some family sexual abuse in my history (although not actual rape) which had skewed my idea of myself.

Please be strong and get some support, but I know it needs to be in baby steps. There will always be people you can chat to on here any time as well. You are incredibly strong and you will recover from this.

Thinking of you.

Original poster
NumbAndRaw · 15/10/2012 07:13

After it happened, I blocked it out and went into like a euphoric 'high', and everyone thought I was in a really good place..

I don't understand why I did that.

Took up swimming and running again and have lost nearly 1 1/2 stone since it happened.

So confused about the stuff in my head.

OP posts:
Original poster
NumbAndRaw · 15/10/2012 07:14

so glad I am not alone, but so sorry and sad so many people have been here

Sad (( )) xx

OP posts:
amillionyears · 15/10/2012 07:21

My guess it is a bit like bereavement, in that any feelings people have after traumatic life events are normal. They are your feelings, and you had them and felt them. I expect you havent been eating as usual eitherr since it happened..I dont expect anything mush as been the same as usual.

Do you think you may be ready today to do what you said you know you have to do?

amillionyears · 15/10/2012 07:23

You are actually a very brave and strong person to be like you are after the things that have happened.

amillionyears · 15/10/2012 07:37

You are processing the stuff in your head. It will all take time.
Are you able to face eating anything this morning?

Original poster
NumbAndRaw · 15/10/2012 07:38

I have an appointment later with my counsellor.

It will be a starting point..

One of the things that makes me so sad is that I had been so careful and cautious and he had respected it.

So although we were acquainted , but didn't know where each other lived, he respected my wishes on meeting somewhere neutral... only contact by e mail till i felt ok about giving my Number..
I suppose in a way they were signals that I was a 'target'.
What a shit Sad

When he met me a realised how shy and lacking in confidence I was he was so lovely.............

OP posts:
amillionyears · 15/10/2012 07:46

Very glad about your appointment. A good starting point.

You thought he could be relied on. From what you have said, I and others may well have thought so too. When going on dates,we often dont know the men well,and realise we have got ourselves into situations that should be ok, but are not. That has happened to me,and many many other women. Nothing happened bad to me, but it could have done.

garlicbutty · 15/10/2012 10:44

Darling, they weren't signals of vulnerability: quite the opposite. As amillion says, it's normal safe dating behaviour to let someone into your life by small increments. I'm afraid he will have seen this only as part of the chase, like a hunter luring prey into his line of fire. You did exactly what all sane, normal, safety-conscious women do. He's a predator, is all. Horrid man.

I think, in a way, you father and brother are trying to lure you back into their trap as well. Dysfunctional families will try any trick to keep each member in their appointed role. If part of your supposed role - according to them - is to service your brother Angry and suffer in silence to make them feel better, they can only see you this way and consider it your duty to be on call. Obviously this is bad for you, so the sane approach is to tell them you can't help. As you saw with your dad, they get angry when you do this. Try and remember, in yourself, the anger is not exactly at you personally but more to do with their little family screenplay going wrong!

Have you read about the FOG of dysfunctional relationships? Fear, Obligation and Guilt. Clearly, the family we grow up in shapes our view of ourselves. When we realise our appointed role is harmful to us, it's hard to lose the feeling that we should carry on with it, out of a kind of loyalty. You can safely trust me and loads of other Stately Homes thread posters, the sky does not fall in when you tell yourself they'll have to take of themselves while you take better care of you!

Do some very nice things for yourself and DD today, please :) Thinking of you. x

garlicbutty · 15/10/2012 10:52

take care* of themselves

PrincessSymbian · 15/10/2012 10:56

The high that you felt was probably something to do with disassociating. I find when it has happened to me in the past, I get very warm and fuzzy, very detached from anything I may be experiencing. In your case it kept you high and busy, so you didn't have the time to think about it, your sub-conscious was probably processing it and now 'the pillow' has deflated.