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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

date raped.

127 replies

NumbAndRaw · 14/10/2012 17:23

Am in shock a month later. If not worse.

Really really nice guy. He blew me away with his gentleness and thoughtful ness.

After a short while, and having esteem issues, he was brilliant about putting me at my ease.

Couple of dates later, he wanted to experiment with something I wasn't keen on, and up to a point I thought he had respected my wishes... but then he decided he wanted to proceed. And within minutes, despite everything I know and know I should have done. He had carried out what he wanted to do.

After a history of rape, abuse, assault, control and manipulating relationships, there is no indignity left for me to endure.

I am beyond feeling at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
NumbAndRaw · 14/10/2012 17:44

I have to pull myself together for my DD2 coming home.

Have had a shit month due to family member linked to abuse coming back into my life...

and my DD1 has needed a lot of support..

OP posts:
Original poster
NumbAndRaw · 14/10/2012 17:45

thank you, I am picecs.. I can't do this all again

OP posts:
tribpot · 14/10/2012 17:45

If you bled a lot, I think it would be worth getting checked out medically. There was a poster on MN not long ago who sustained more severe internal damage during a rape than she originally realised and prompt medical attention may have saved her from some years of difficult surgery to repair her.

amillionyears · 14/10/2012 17:45

[hugs]

Original poster
NumbAndRaw · 14/10/2012 17:45

so bloody cold and shaking and she is back at 6

OP posts:
aimingtobeaperfectionist · 14/10/2012 17:47

You do what you Gould have done- said no. He is a fucking total bastard and more for not stopping. Go to the police, please.

Original poster
NumbAndRaw · 14/10/2012 17:47

I was so pleased with myself for having something normal...
I need to wash my face.

thank you

OP posts:
MushroomSoup · 14/10/2012 17:48

Bless you, I wish I could come and help you.
I want to give you a warm blanket, a cuppa and a hug.
Are you able to phone the police?

Original poster
NumbAndRaw · 14/10/2012 17:48

i want it out of my head

OP posts:
amillionyears · 14/10/2012 17:48

wrap up warm,warm drinks and look after yourself.

CailinDana · 14/10/2012 17:48

:( What a horrible shit of a man, to do that to you.

I know what it's like to have a "kind" man turn on you. An ex of mine, who seemed lovely and caring etc etc, raped me. It's hard to get your head around it.

What's going through your head at the moment?

amillionyears · 14/10/2012 17:48

x post Mushroom.

Original poster
NumbAndRaw · 14/10/2012 17:50

not phone today..

DD's at schol tomorrow

xx

OP posts:
amillionyears · 14/10/2012 17:52

Well done.

tinierclanger · 14/10/2012 17:57

Very sorry this has happened to you. Can you contact an independent sexual violence advisor tomorrow maybe, if you are not ready to phone the police? Google ISVA for your county. They will support you. Also you can self refer to a SARC Sexual assault referral centre for physical checks.

whiteandyelloworchid · 14/10/2012 18:01

i am so sorry this happened to you
this is not your fault

would talking to your gp help as a first step?

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 14/10/2012 18:10

I believe you, I am really sorry x

maristella · 14/10/2012 18:16

I believe you too OP. And I really recognise your response.

I was attacked by a man I was with, he too had seemed so lovely.
It took weeks for me to even be able to articulate in my mind what had happened to me, and then the fear, and then the anger came. The anger is still here actually, rightfully so. It took me a long time to understand and to forgive my own response, I was very traumatised.

I really recommend that you make that call as soon as you can. I was treated very well by the police, I was believed and supported.

I'll also never forget the kindness I found on here, we are all here for you x

Original poster
NumbAndRaw · 14/10/2012 20:34

xx

At the moment it feels like a splinter in my thoughts and it was pretty vile so articulating it just makes me feel sick.

But admitting it has helped, and once I have slept, and probably cried a bit more, I am seeing someone tomorrow from a local centre I have had support for my abuse from. I had an open contact number for when I was feeling fragile anyway........ never used it ... having it as a safety net was enough. Now I have bloody fallen Sad

I am deeply sad, but the support here is some comfort... x

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/10/2012 20:42

You haven't fallen, you've been pushed... It was bad luck that meant you met a criminal that wanted to hurt you. You did not seek him out.

booki · 14/10/2012 20:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

garlicbutty · 14/10/2012 20:51

I'm sorry you underwent this :(

You didn't cause it, invite or invoke it. You weren't to know. He is a mean person with 'cold hard eyes' who dresses up as nice to get his way. This is what he does; he'll have done it to others. None of you were stupid, you were robbed.

I'm glad you're getting support. As he made you bleed Angry I agree a visit to a doctor would be in order, but talk to Rape Crisis first if this really bothers you.

Has the other troublesome person gone again now? Do you want to talk about that too?

ScarahScreams · 14/10/2012 20:57

You poor girl. I just don't know what to say other than I really hope you can report this animal.

amillionyears · 14/10/2012 21:37

xxx MN is here throughout the night as well in case you need it.

Original poster
NumbAndRaw · 14/10/2012 21:50

yeah garlic, I kind of do..

I was first raped when I was 9.
By an older friend of my brothers. Who stood by and guarded for the lad. And went on (my brother) to interfere with me for many years. But something that I really also struggled with is that all my teen/young adult life... he defiled my underwear.
My father made us share a room until I was in my late teens, which meant every night, I shared a room with someone who had subjected me to a number of humiliating and degrading.
I don't know why it mattered so much.
I kept it secret. Like we are supposed to and went on to have one of those lives where we are drawn to situation after situation that mirrors previous patterns.

In the end I reduced contact with my family as much as I could, apart form contact that kept me in touch with my mother. My father is a mysogenistic arse, and puts me down so much..

Then 2 months ago it came to light that my brother is a bi sexual, suicidal gender dysphoria individual... and I am being expected to support him.... If I say I can't everyone will want to know why and I don't want to have to deal with it. Have found my own way.
But suddenly everyone wants to be like the bloody waltons, but no one was there for me........... Sad
My Dad has called me names and told me I am not a proper woman. All sorts of crap.

And I want to sever contact but would lose my Mum Sad
And I am so so lost...........

I just wanted something for myself....... some kindness, respect.. caring... and just for a minute, it was there and I started to trust and now in my head it is just such a mess.
And probably the one person, one man, who is good in my life, I have pushed away because I don't know how to be 'liked'.

Oh god it's just too much................................
I want it all to stop and everything to be out of my head because I can't deal with the demons and ghosts............

So tired.

OP posts: