Condom found. What should my next move be - please help!

[wannabegood]

Hi
I was having a mass clear out yesterday and found a skins condom in my husbands underwear drawer. We have been married for 28 yrs and as far as I know he has never cheated. I calmly asked him last night where it has come from and he said he cant remember! He does have a big night out with the boys every Friday and does get in some states where he cant remember much, but it is always local and never town.
I have checked and apparently you can only get this brand through parties such as Ann Summers etc?
He says he can understand my anger as he would feel the same.
I have given him 24 hrs to come up with an answer but dont have a clue what to do after that? Any advice or comments really welcome please

[purplehouse]

It is statistically true that men who spend time around other men who have cheated are more likely to cheat themselves. I can't remember the exact explanation, I saw it on here. Him hanging about with a bunch of juvenile men who treat women appallingly is worrying given that you have found a condom anyway.

If I was in your position, I would start quietly snooping. I have been cheated on and it is generally the case that the cheater will not admit it and will come up with any number of excuses. The only time they might admit it is when they are faced with rock solid evidence. Some continue to deny it even then.

Phone, emails, check up on where he says he was going. I would do this because you have asked him and he has given the most ridiculous cop out excuse "I don't know" etc and he has shown no regard for your feelings and is going to continue with his drunken nights out.

[wannabegood]

Right you ready................

He found it in a silver box in the pub toilets, threw the box away and kept it. Claims it was ages ago and I was out with him. Huge party on in the pub at the time.

Excuse me if I disappear for a while I may be ill through hysterical laughter. He is a joke!!

[wannabegood]

Anyone seen the packaging on skins?

[Offred]

"His income has dropped by £40k" - how do you know this? If this is the case why is he spending so much money on booze? Are you SURE it isn't that he is squirrelling some money away?

[wannabegood]

just googled it and the box for that type is red!

[Offred]

And then why did he put it in the drawer? Why has he never mentioned it? A condom in the draw is normally ready to use, have you had a hunt for the box?

[wannabegood]

no box

[Tamoo]

I assume your next question was, "Why did you keep it?"

[wannabegood]

1st question was why pick it up!!

[Offred]

Might be somewhere else well hidden. If he were say having regular sex in your bed and had got sick of running off to get one from the hiding place he might've put a single one in the draw.

It still could be the truth from him though. The story is only suspicious because he initially said he couldn't remember and now the story he has come up with doesn't sound right to me.

[wannabegood]

off for a bit thanks for all your help and support will keep you posted

[dondon33]

OMFG ! I still wouldn't know what to believe as that excuse is so pathetic it could possibly be true.
He's had all day to think and concoct a cover up and that's the best he comes up with.

Also, how can he remember so clearly now but couldn't when you first asked him?

[carmenelectra]

OP I smell serious bullshit.

He has gone from having no recollection of the single condom, to magically concocting quite an elaborate story.

So he found a random condom is a pub loo, picked it up and took it home. Why? To use with you? Just because he had never seen one before? Why would anyone pick up a skanky condom in a public loo. Ok, maybe if you were a teenager and you were with your mates and you had never seen one before, but a 48 year old man?
I shouldn't laugh, but when you said he found it in a silver box, I was somehow imagining a trinket box. Was quite baffled. Didn't occur to me that it was the packaging! Think they are in a red box, they are widely available and nothing to do with Ann Summers.

[panicnotanymore]

In answer to your question my H owned up, because he felt terrible. He still feels terrible. I don't feel too great about it either tbh!!!

If your H is cheating walk away from him, set yourself free. It will only drag things out if he feels you are waiting in the wings as the reserve prize. If he comes back it is your choice whether to take him back. Put yourself in the position of control, it'll restore your confidence, and put him firmly in his place. At the moment he is playing you like a fiddle.

[SorryMyLollipop]

Serious bullshit alert. I am glad that this thread is helping you to reassess your relationship

If I went on strike he would just get more and more angry. He wouldnt hurt me but would go nuts. He had to work this sunday and went crazy as i wouldnt go and fill his car up

[thegreylady]

Maybe one of his friends 'planted it ' on him and he was unsure what to do so hid it and is now even more embarrassed.

[thegreylady]

sorry-just seen 'explanation'

[wannabegood]

He has tiptoed round all night, said lets go and see dd for xmas all sorts of things he would never say. Guilty I reckon!

[Bubblegum78]

Hmmmm,

I don't buy the old "can't remember" excuse...that's just code for "I can't think of a quick enough lie"!

I would not automatically assume he is cheating, but as you say, you are a bit worried anyway and TBH I would think the same.

Unless you get a straight answer there is not much you can do at the moment.

If he is genuinly coming home trollied every week I would be inclined to believe he is with his mates, I can't imagine him getting blotto with a fancy woman, that would be plain odd!

It could be that he genuinly does not know and he is panicking not lying? It was probably a mate but he doesn't want to say that incase you impose drinking sanctions lol.

I think maybe YOU need to start having some nights out, be vague about where you are going and with whom and start wandering in late...on a different night obviously or he will be too drunk to notice you are missing!

What's good for the goose and all that....... let him stew and see how HE likes it! xx

[Doha]

Guilty!!!
so what nowwannabegood. Where do YOU go from here?

[Beamur]

The change from 'can't remember' to an elaborate story would set alarm bells clanging for me.
He may have bought some condoms as an act of bravado - which given his mates would be plausible, but what does that tell you about his frame of mind?
If he is not cheating, then I'd suspect he is at least thinking about it.
It also sounds, from what you have said, that you have a very subservient role in this relationship - if you're happy with that fine, but are you?

[Bubblegum78]

Sorry, just saw your other posts....

I agree that this is very fishy!

The question is... now what? xx

[wannabegood]

Thats a good point bubblegum he would HATE me reining him in and applying sanctions

[wannabegood]

well he went to bed at 9.30???

[tiredofwaitingforitalltochange]

Wow. Assume that's unusual for him?!?

Sounds like he doesn't want to have to stay up and talk to you.

I've just read this whole thread, OP and I agree with those who find the 'I can't remember' followed by a story full of specifics very suspicious.

I think he is up to no good, but honestly, that's not your only problem. Your marriage sounds like something out of the 1950s. You sound more like a domestic slave than a wife. Do you really think this is still the best you can do? You sound like you have a lovely family. Could you arrange a trip to see your daughter? Leave him to wash his own pants and buy you some space and time to work out if this marriage is working for you.