Condom found. What should my next move be - please help!

[wannabegood]

Hi
I was having a mass clear out yesterday and found a skins condom in my husbands underwear drawer. We have been married for 28 yrs and as far as I know he has never cheated. I calmly asked him last night where it has come from and he said he cant remember! He does have a big night out with the boys every Friday and does get in some states where he cant remember much, but it is always local and never town.
I have checked and apparently you can only get this brand through parties such as Ann Summers etc?
He says he can understand my anger as he would feel the same.
I have given him 24 hrs to come up with an answer but dont have a clue what to do after that? Any advice or comments really welcome please

[MadAboutHotChoc]

He has not been as affectionate lately but we still have a good sex life. I have had doubts for a while to be honest but just a feeling.

This post has set off my alarms - tell us more about these doubts. We always say on here to trust your gut instincts.

If you have a feeling things are not quite right, and he has denied everything then you would be entitled to do some snooping - phone/laptop/internet history etc.

I agree that the"I can't remember" line is very dodgy -the typical cheater's excuse

[wannabegood]

Nearly fell off my laughing chair at the 28 yrs old comment!!

I think you are spot on at the MCP comment he is very like that and my kids say I am a doormat

Cheeky bastard tried to have sex when he came to bed last night as well!!

[Charbon]

The only person who put it there is him, so if he was drunk when he did that, it's technically possible that he can't remember doing so, but of course he can remember why he has condoms in the first place. Having a good sex life is not an indicator of anything by the way.

Over the next 24 hours you might hear a belated recollection about a friend slipping a condom in his trouser pocket 'for a laugh' and that he completely forgot what he did with it. That may or may not be a lie, but it's not your responsibility to know if your partner is lying to you or not. People often tell lies when they are cornered and tell further lies to back it up. It's never your fault for not knowing if your partner is lying to you and if he's got no history of lying and you catching him out, it would be impossible to tell the signs - however long you've been together.

So don't just rely on words. Take in the whole picture. Your doubts, the lack of affection - and any other behaviour that supports or contradicts what he is telling you.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Clip his wings a bit.

[SeveredEdMcDunnough]

I don't know if it is a good idea to look at his phone. I would be tempted yes, but it is not a great thing to do.

And if you're already thinking about it then it kind of illustrates that you can't trust him, which is not something that should occur in a relationship really.

If you really cannot feel confident that he is telling the truth (and I wouldn't tbh) then perhaps you need to reconsider whether you're somewhere you want to be. Or if you might be happier without him.

[wannabegood]

Thanks again really helpful comments.

He has gone very cold lately, never kisses me unless it is during sex, never pays compliments and never says he loves me. He claims it is because he hates his new job and feels depressed.

When we go out and I put heels and a dress on he constantly touches me and is all over me and is VERY possessive if any mates flirt with me in fun.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

I do also wonder if he would keep a condom in an underwear drawer,he could hide on anywhere couldn't he?or throw it away if he was up to no good.

You would be surprised at the number of men who get caught out in this way.

[wannabegood]

Yes I bet they get complacent!

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Yes exactly.

What do you want to do?

[wannabegood]

I havent a clue!! I gave him the 24hrs to come up with the truth and beyond that I am stumped!! I just want to know what is going on so I can decide from there

[wannabegood]

BTW he never bothers with the internet or his phone much anyway

[MadAboutHotChoc]

I can so identify with your need to know what is going on before making any decisions.

You have two options I think:

• One is to explain that you feel unhappy, the lack of affection, the nights out, the coldness etc and that if he is committed to the marriage then he needs to step up.
  
  *Bide your time and keep an eye out but this will not do much for your sanity.
  
  I would also check his pockets, wallet, phone and computer and check the car for a second mobile etc just to rule out anything.

[Abitwobblynow]

" Having a good sex life is not an indicator of anything by the way."

is absolutely true.

[wannabegood]

Thanks madabout I have been telling him for months I am not happy but he just blames his job and nothing changes This may be the last straw

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Unfortunately the only thing that motivates people like him is LOSS.

[wannabegood]

I must be very dumb I always thought that if the sex was good he couldnt be messing around!

[dondon33]

Following from what Charbon wrote - I agree it's possible that he's forgotten but.... if he was so pissed he doesn't remember where he got it from at what point did he become "compos mentis" enough to actually hide it?
To be honest, his explanation or lack of would be more plausible if you'd found it in his jeans pocket the morning after a night out.

I hope he's not up to anything OP but as others have said- trust your instincts.
Take care x

[dondon33]

You're not dumb Wanna, Cheating guys often do have more sex with their DP/DW for many reasons, one of them being;
To try and cover their tracks- if DP/DW is happy she'll not think anything is wrong.

[Charbon]

No, not at all. Lots of people have affairs despite good sex lives and good relationships generally.

Is there a subtext to this that you have been having sex that you don't want, in an effort to stop him from seeking sex elsewhere?

[Donkeysdontridebicycles]

There isn't always a big dramatic announcement but sometimes something banal that can signal that something's amiss. All the following can be genuine, but a cluster might be a red flag:

New exercise regime, new wardrobe, generally extra effort taken with appearance. Longer hours spent at work, meetings at short notice, frequent stock taking, audits. Mobile phone never leaves his/her side. Either diminishing interest in anything domestic, (children, house, extended family), or conversely more than willing to pop out, running lots of errands, extra long walkies for the dog. Unexplained low level irritability and fault finding, dissatisfaction with hitherto comfortable habits or family "traditions".

I guess when you've been together long enough, you know when you're no longer getting the best of your partner.

[wannabegood]

No I like the sex too so not just for his benefit, but I do try and make an effort to always look good and groomed as I know I am not getting any younger and men often go for younger models when they get to his age.

Donkeys
The only thing on your list is no interest in anything domestic wont even cut the lawns anymore

[wannabegood]

You are right madabout he only realises when he loses something. He used to moan about my daughter and the grandchildren but now they have emigrated he misses them terribly and sometimes is in tears over them

[wannabegood]

I feel like I have been really stupid when I read this back. I have put up with his crap behaviour and its only this that has brought it to a head. It maybe because I don't discuss it much with friends etc but seeing it here has hit home

We had this routine where Friday was his night and Saturday was our night but tbh I often end up coming home alone cos he wants to stay and hang out with mates later than I do

[panicnotanymore]

"He has gone very cold lately, never kisses me unless it is during sex, never pays compliments and never says he loves me. He claims it is because he hates his new job and feels depressed.

When we go out and I put heels and a dress on he constantly touches me and is all over me and is VERY possessive if any mates flirt with me in fun."

That is the exact description of my H when he was seeing OW. I used to try to be sympathetic about his work.....

[wannabegood]

OMG really panicnot, says it all then. Did he admit?