Condom found. What should my next move be - please help!

[wannabegood]

Hi
I was having a mass clear out yesterday and found a skins condom in my husbands underwear drawer. We have been married for 28 yrs and as far as I know he has never cheated. I calmly asked him last night where it has come from and he said he cant remember! He does have a big night out with the boys every Friday and does get in some states where he cant remember much, but it is always local and never town.
I have checked and apparently you can only get this brand through parties such as Ann Summers etc?
He says he can understand my anger as he would feel the same.
I have given him 24 hrs to come up with an answer but dont have a clue what to do after that? Any advice or comments really welcome please

[HappyHalloweenMotherFucker]

you are enjoying your h's creeping attention despite having a good idea there is some dodgy reason behind it ?

Really ?

[wannabegood]

Love it, he would fall through the floor!!

[Donkeysdontridebicycles]

OP if I were you and if you can take time away from your business, I would plan yourself a nice holiday to visit your DD and grandchildren. No need to keep it secret, if your DH expresses surprise you have not included him in plans just look him in the eye and say,"I thought you'd have other things to do. For the last time, is there something you want to tell me?"


Convict224 bad enough your "D"H cheated, worse still, a teenager just 2 years older than your eldest DS.

[CuriousMama]

convict are you still with him as you said dh not exdh? So sorry you've gone through this.

[dondon33]

Yes I could do it as long as I can juggle my business and sort flights

So something you can seriously consider doing.

[wannabegood]

Yes I could do it as long as I can juggle my business and sort flights

I hate men that cheat with very young girls convict

[Convict224]

I found a condom in my husband's wallet, 12 months after I had a hysterectomy and 15 months after I caught him with another woman. Well, I say woman but in truth she was but a teenager just 2 years older than our eldest son and the daughter of our friends.
We had been trying to give our marriage another go but I did not trust him and obviously was right not to.
He came up with lots of lies and his default position was amnesia. He frequently couldn't account for his whereabouts. He was out with his teenage lover and or other women. (No further details.....he can't remember....)

[dondon33]

Sorry Wanna, his behaviour after the explanation, does sound like he's feeling guilty about something.
Don't let him cover your eyes with his "attention" if he is indeed up to no good then said "attention" is for his own selfish benefit and NOT for yours

I like Jojo's suggestion above.
Would you be able to do that?, to say F U to him, for a week or two while you think about your next move.

[wannabegood]

Thanks all, that is very good advice jojoba. I cant go until next week earliest due to work commitments but I will think seriously about doing it
He will know where I am though as I will need my passport which ironically is in THE drawer :)

[Jojoba1986]

If I were you I'd arrange a trip to see your DD asap but make sure he doesn't know about it. Make the arrangements so that you can leave sometime when he's not going to be in the house, ideally when he's out with his mates. Write him a letter explaining that you're feeling very hurt & confused by the way he's been acting recently & need sometime to clear your head. Tell him to call you if he decides your relationship is something he wants to fight for. Do not tell him where you're going!

Sorry you're having to go through this! Be strong & remember that you deserve more than the way he's been treating you!

[fiventhree]

would go nuts. He had to work this sunday and went crazy as i wouldnt go and fill his car up

This man uses his temper to control you and get what he wants, when he wants. He has an immature attitude to partnership, and thinks that it is something intended to benefit him. He is possessive about you in public, too, as he thinks you are his property.

Now that he has been discovered having something in his drawer which he has no business to need, he is most likely lying, and you are pleased with the attention he is giving you in order to distract you.

What a mess.

[wannabegood]

no very true

[Tamoo]

Maybe, but attentiveness prompted by deceit is not a good thing...

[wannabegood]

No I have no hobbies outside of home and tbh i am enjoying him creeping as it nice to have him being attentive

[CuriousMama]

You're not a fool don't say that. You're a woman who wants her marriage to work nothing wrong with that. Yes you do let him walk all over you but you may change this?

Is he starting to irritate you yet? I find false attention/flattery drives me up the wall. He's only doing it to try to keep you sweet.

Life can be so exciting for you. Do you have any hobbies or interests outside the home apart from work?

[MadAboutHotChoc]

I agree that the condom is just one of the issues you are having to face in your marriage - his sense of entitlement, selfishness, coldness, laziness and the total lack of respect for you.

No wonder your kids call you a doormat.

Life is too short to stay married to this twat.

I would look at building your own life - training, hobbies, work, education, friends etc. This will make you stronger and independent.

I would also consider counselling to find out why you are so prepared to put up with his vile behaviour.

[wannabegood]

I think finding it has been a good thing, got me talking about my relationship and making me realise what a fool i have been

[wannabegood]

no sense at all its a joke

[Offred]

He might be being nice because he genuinely loves you and is sad and worried about losing you. I don't think the explanation makes sense though.

[ThatVikRinA22]

oh dear.

you know whats happening here OP. i think you need to weigh it all up. your dh is lying - but why?

you have some digging to do.

[wannabegood]

every dog has his day!
All so true, when I got into bed he threw his arm round me!
funny how he is now behaving more how I have wanted for years

May put it to the test as you said

[HappyHalloweenMotherFucker]

What a horrible man this sounds like, condom or no condom

And he is lying through his arse about something

I get the impression you will brush it under the carpet though, OP. You've been doing it for years, all the time thinking this man was worth your love

[ToothbrushThief]

wannabe - the condom issue aside.... you are being treated like a doormat. If you could hear yourself saying he's nice sometimes...er 6 yrs ago...I love him...and all the rest about his moods and demanding behaviour. Well... it's upsetting thinking of you putting up with that tbh

I guess if you are happy with that (really happy, as opposed to accepting it feeling you have no choice) then that's fine.

If you're not... well you do have a choice. So does he. If he wants to keep you he'll change some of his behaviour. What do you reckon he'll decide?

How much are you worth to him?


Are you frightened to test it?

[tiredofwaitingforitalltochange]

Wow. Assume that's unusual for him?!?

Sounds like he doesn't want to have to stay up and talk to you.

I've just read this whole thread, OP and I agree with those who find the 'I can't remember' followed by a story full of specifics very suspicious.

I think he is up to no good, but honestly, that's not your only problem. Your marriage sounds like something out of the 1950s. You sound more like a domestic slave than a wife. Do you really think this is still the best you can do? You sound like you have a lovely family. Could you arrange a trip to see your daughter? Leave him to wash his own pants and buy you some space and time to work out if this marriage is working for you.

[wannabegood]

well he went to bed at 9.30???