Condom found. What should my next move be - please help!

[wannabegood]

Hi
I was having a mass clear out yesterday and found a skins condom in my husbands underwear drawer. We have been married for 28 yrs and as far as I know he has never cheated. I calmly asked him last night where it has come from and he said he cant remember! He does have a big night out with the boys every Friday and does get in some states where he cant remember much, but it is always local and never town.
I have checked and apparently you can only get this brand through parties such as Ann Summers etc?
He says he can understand my anger as he would feel the same.
I have given him 24 hrs to come up with an answer but dont have a clue what to do after that? Any advice or comments really welcome please

[CuriousMama]

I think you're answering your own questions here tbh?

[wannabegood]

how do you mean?

[Tamoo]

Are his mates really juvenile enough to actually hide a condom in his stuff? Someone did that to me when I was about fourteen, and I can't imagine anyone finding it funny after about that age. If you've been together 28yrs I'm guessing he's in his fifties?

[Ahhhtetley]

It's a difficult one and id be feeling v unsettled about it.

I've always been one to trust 'gut instinct' as its usually right, if something feels wrong it usually is..

But that said, I work with a bunch of blokes, and on a recent night out they did buy condoms to put water in and throw at each other (bloody children) so having condoms on him might simply be 'for another reason' blokes can be really stupid and immature sometimes.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

I would be very concerned that your DH is socialising with the kind of men who do not respect marriage, women and think nothing of cheating.

You know the saying "birds of a feather"....

[Charbon]

So what you're telling us is that you have been giving far more to the relationship for a long time, your husband is far less invested in the relationship or your happiness and his lifestyle and friendship circles support infidelity.

Sounds like a textbook infidelity case to me I'm afraid.

Have a look at this site and scroll down to read some myths and facts about infidelity.

[wannabegood]

They havent been in the house to hide it. He is 48 we married young. I know what you mean about the saying but he always seems a bit different to them somehow. He likes the company but doesnt get involved too much with their stupid antics

[wannabegood]

Thanks Charbon will do, I know I am niave but I trust everyone I am a real soft person

[CuriousMama]

I just mean the things you are saying about him don't make him sound that great a catch? But if you think he is then that's good.

And trusting everyone is silly, maybe this will open your eyes?

[AlfalfaMum]

I can't think of one good reason you'd find a condom in your husband's things...to be blunt, it's either an affair or prostitutes.

That thing he said about you putting everyone else's needs before his? It positively reeks of him making excuses for himself.

Are any of his new colleagues female?

[wannabegood]

I am sure it will thank you. I know he isnt a good catch but I love him and cant bear the thought of him being with someone else but thats probably cos we have been a couple all our adult lives. I would love to be with someone who cares about me

[wannabegood]

No all his colleagues are male

[Donkeysdontridebicycles]

Picking his jumper off the floor eh hope he tidies up after himself otherwise. That holiday to see your DD sounds better and better! Does he still play golf, would he miss his clubs if you put them on ebay?

[wannabegood]

Just re read what I typed and he isnt a good catch as he is acting toward me but he can be wonderful when he wants to be

[CuriousMama]

I was in a bad marriage and it took a lot to leave. I'm not saying you should but if you're unhappy the least he can do is go to couples counselling or at least hear you?

I'm so very happy now with dp. I felt like a single person in my marriage tbh.

That link's good I just skimmed through it.

[wannabegood]

no never even moves a tea cup I do EVERYTHING even his lunches, when he comes in at night his tea and paper are ready and dinner on the go. I take the bins out, the lot. All he does is walks the dogs at night

He would miss the clubs eventually but so what!

I am beginning to feel better already thanks everyone

[CuriousMama]

You say he's 48? He can be wonderful when he wants to be? That's awful.

[wannabegood]

Its true he is even sulky round our adult kids

[CuriousMama]

Why do you pander to him. Sit still and do fuck all. You're being such a mug. Lock yourself in the bathroom with candles and ear plugs.

A friend is in her 60s and is with someone very like your dh. Every time I see her she moans about him and says she's too old to leave. Do you want to be her in a few more years?

[CuriousMama]

They wouldn't blame you if you left, they'd probably respect you more.

[wannabegood]

Thats very true, I have realised as well that I am happier around friends and family which says a lot

[CuriousMama]

I remember the day I walked into the house I rented, the feeling of freedom was amazing. I was scared as had never done it alone before. I left my mum's at 21 and went straight to exdh, had dcs and thought that was it? But for many reasons I had to leave. I found out stuff since that makes me even happier I left but that's a long story.

I think you just going on strike for a while will shock him. I'd love to see his face if you just went silent and refused to run around after his arse

[wannabegood]

Curious so glad you are happy now :)
If I went on strike he would just get more and more angry. He wouldnt hurt me but would go nuts. He had to work this sunday and went crazy as i wouldnt go and fill his car up

[dondon33]

Alternatively you could approach him tonight when he comes in from work with...
"I know what you've been up to"
"don't dare even try to lie your way out of this mate"
or words to that effect and see what happens. But if he is up to no good he'll likely deny it all the way even if confronted with real proof.
I'm trying to think what I'd do..... I know I couldn't sit it out and wait for (if there is any) evidence and act like everything was ok.

[wannabegood]

he is here now :)
Not said anything...yet!