Don't know what to think.

[CherryPie3]

Last night my husband sat me down as he had something to tell me.

On Friday he went to his friends evening wedding reception. I was working at his mum's shop.
As he was leaving at 11:45pm a young girl that was attending someone else's wedding reception walked across the carpark explaining that she had no money and could he please take her into town to meet her friends. She was also on the phone to her friends explaining that she had no money.

Despite town being out of his way he took her as he didn't want to leave her stranded.

As he was driving she declared that he was gorgeous and placed her feet up on his dashboard. She then started using her fingers to pleasure herself and asked my dh to take her somewhere dark and private. Which he didn't, he explained he had to get back to the reception as he had left his friends there.

Upon arriving at town she asked him repeatedly to have sex with her, and was getting quite angry that he was refusing to. When she finally got out she punched my dh on the cheek and slammed the door.

My dh then went back to the wedding reception and didn't get home until 3am. He explained he was so late because his friends wanted taking home.




I was very calm while he was telling me as something similar happened to me twice before - not as disgusting but a 'friend' tried kissing me whilst I was dropping him off at home, he then sent me disgusting texts despite me telling him to take a run and jump! Another 'friend' tried to kiss me after a group night out.


I'm absolutely sickened by the whole thing and have been physically sick this morning because I had to drive his car on Saturday, completely oblivious that this woman had been sat in it pleasuring herself. I never ever want to set foot in that car again! She was sat where I normally would if dh was driving.

Now I'm thinking about it I have so many questions that don't make sense.

1. Why would she ask a stranger for help when she must have friends/family at the reception that could have helped her out?
   
   
2. Why did my husband go out of his way to help a stranger, knowing there must be other people she knows that would help her.
   
   
3. Why did he return to his friends afterwards instead of coming straight home.
   
   
4. Why didn't he explain he had a wife and 3 kids waiting for him at home instead of having to go back to his friends.
   
   
5. Why did he leave it until last night to tell me?
   
   
   
   I am so confused and hurt and upset and angry and devastated.... I love my husband so much and I don't think he would ever, ever cheat on me but those questions are getting to me. I wish I could switch my brain off.
   I'm very insecure at the best of times without this. I am a very wobbly size 24 lady and he says this girl was a slim girl with short blonde hair.
   
   
   We have just recently celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary, he is 25, I am 27. Our children are 7, 6, 2yrs.
   
   What should I be thinking? I'm sorry it's long.

[Shh2012]

And IMO rather than the police woman speculating about what she might see if she was looking at CCTV, why did she not just explain to Cherry that as they weren't treating this as a crime, she wouldn't gain access to the CCTV anyway?

I agree with Beth's earlier comment - this has not been handled in a professional manner at all and I'm very surprised by that. The local police here are very careful to follow procedure - maybe not a good thing all the time but if I had gone in and reported a sexual assault - that they hadn't taken seriously - and then the next day someone (who could have been anyone) went in to a police station claiming to be my DP and the police discussed it with them I'd be furious.

[BethFairbright]

Cherry, if you've made some of this up in order to provide a 'happy ending' that will allow you to continue using Mumsnet under your regular user-name, I can understand that, but I do think you have a responsibility not to let lurkers or posters believe that the police would deal with an attack so unprofessionally. That's actually pretty harmful and it bothers me greatly that some people will be deterred from reporting.

You can tell the truth and name-change, you know.

[cestlavielife]

actually if cctv showed woman getting out of h's car then at the least cctv would confirm h's story that a woman got in the car with him and left.

there is no confirmation any woman got in car with dh. he could have made the whole thing up. why? who knows.

op has no proof anything happened at all. she asha story from the h which sounds quite bizarre. did anyone else witness this woman?

i dont think op has any proof of *anythng" at all actually .

police just confirmd they not investigating anything [becaus there is no woman and nothiing to investigate] . tho all sounds very odd and unprofressional especailly the hphone call to op - police would usually only call person involved directly. the wife is not a party to anything, was not assaulted etc.

maybe h is having affair with the policewoman??

[DragonMamma]

I'm more inclined to think OP either didn't go in or they didn't give her the expected answer but maybe doesn't want to deal with cries if leave the bastard, I know I'd want to bury my head in the sand or run for the hills if it were me.

[badtasteflump]

This is all going a bit off the rails now isn't it? Being told she's making things up, or that her H is having an affair with a policewoman??

If I were the OP I wouldn't bother coming back to this thread - and I would name change (and leave out the photos if I was going to be talking about anything remotely personal).

Sorry OP. I know that you just want a positive end to the whole thing but I don't think you're going to find it on here.

[Youcanringmybell]

I cannot believe this is happening - you are all criticising the OP now and disbelieveing her. If you are not prepared to accept what people are saying at face value on here what is the point of getting involved and pretending to 'support' the OP.

Really...she cannot win. She has followed all the advice and she still gets called a liar. Shocking.

Maybe the husband is having an affair with the policewoman - FFS. This is presumambly someone's life here.

[cestlavielife]

no - i believe the op totally.

i dont believe the h's story as told to op .

i think op is telling he truth about what she has been told.

but only the h knows the true story of what went on that night .

op knows if she can believe the h or not.

[itsallinmyhead]

youcanringmybell I really can believe it.

I joined this 'support' forum to seek support & encouragement from women who may offer a balanced opinion of situations which might arise.

I believe I can offer the same to women, seeking similar, however, some of the cruel & actually rediculous statements from other users to women who are reaching out makes me sick.

There is never anything wrong in offering an opinion but what a lot of the women on this, and every other thread, seem to forget is this is someone elses real life!

In answer to anyone who is going to snap back & ask, I continue to use the forum because there is a need for balanced, supportive support that (try) to offer if I can & there are, in addition to the horrors, a lot of experienced, balanced, kind posters who might be able to offer me support, should I ever need to reach out again.

[Shh2012]

I think people are latching onto the fact that something still feels off to some of us. For me it's the 1980's style Maggie Era policing. For others it's the discrepancies or inconsistencies in H's story.
Obviously if OP wants to believe her H that's her prerogative as his wife. If his part of the story about the woman and her behaviour in his car is true he needs support. I just hope that nothing about this comes back to bite her on the bum years down the line.

[madonnawhore]

If this is true then it's really shocking OP's husband was told not to bother reporting it because of lack of evidence. Assuming his story's true, it means he was the victim of a sexual assault. If he was a woman it would be a total outrage if the police told her not to bother reporting it. The double standard is disgusting.

This is of course assuming it's all true.

As other posters have picked up on, something still feels 'off' about this whole thing.

The H's story is believable given the benefit of the doubt I guess. But what I can't believe is how the police have supposedly handled this all.

[CherryPie3]

Some of you don't believe me, and that's fine. Well no actually it's very disappointing.

I won't namechange, everything I have wrote down here is the truth, however unlikely it seems. I have nothing to hide, nothing. I do not have a 'story' at all.

I did go to the police station. I did request to speak to a female officer, the officer at the desk kindly said I could and asked my name. I was taken to an office because the room they would usually use was already in use.

I have no idea why the female officer decided it was a good idea to start talking about my dh reporting the incident yesterday, I fully prepared (and expecting) to be told to bugger off due to data protection.

As far as the CCTV comment goes, this is what she would expect to see, because she fully believes my dh was telling the truth. She could describe him to me perfectly. I think it's utter tripe that some of you are suggesting my dh is having an affair with her.

I came on here for support, I got it, acted on your advice and now some of you have turned on me. I've learned my lesson though. You can't win. MN has too many people and personalities on it. I won't ask for advice again.

I have never suggested to anyone that the way the police handled this particular incident is standard practice, I am surprised at it myself. BUT I am satisfied with what the officer told me. Perhaps she was advising me more as a wife herself than an officer, I don't know. She helped me to feel better, I was shaking like a leaf when I went in and on the brink of tears.

I think some of you wanted to hear different, because you were so sure. It was my own fault I misheard her on the phone, I've been in bits all week. I should have considered that I misheard her, but I didn't - I'm sorry some of you think this is a 'hole' in my 'story'. It is my own fault I made you believe that the officer had already checked the CCTV, but that is what I believed too, which is why all your advice and suggestions made perfect sense. Which is also why I acted on them.

[CherryPie3]

I agree, the whole thing has been ridiculous from start to finish. I have zero experience of dealing with police, I am lucky I have never been in a situation where I have needed them (other than a neighbours leaky pipe which destroyed my entire ground floor, totally different).

This is over now. I just want to move on.

[Shh2012]

Cherry I'm not accusing or blaming you of anything. I am completely disgusted with the police though. I know they've helped you, but even if she was talking as a 'wife rather than an officer' she's been totally unprofessional. And if she 'fully believes' that your DH is telling the truth, she should be treating this as the crime that she believes it is.
That's what I'm pissed off about.

[itsallinmyhead]

Good luck Cherry, I'd suggest hiding this thread. Then there's the end you'd like.

Take care

[CherryPie3]

I completely see your point. I don't know why it wasn't officially recorded - it would be no skin off their nose anyway would it? At least it would be on file if needed.

She said the thing that made her believe my dh was the way he was talking, the way he stood and how upset he was while reporting it. She was quick to remind me that she does get it wrong from time to time but that she really believed him. That's all I wanted to hear, and more than I was expecting.

I'm not a liar. I can see where all of you are coming from.

[CherryPie3]

Thank you itsallinmyhead. I think that's something I'd better do. :(

[itsallinmyhead]

One last thing Cherry. You asked for opinions, support & some sisterhood.

When the backbiting starts, don't ever feel the need to justify yourself to these people.

This is your life, your journey.

[fuzzpig]

Oh cherry what a relief - in one way. I am so sorry for your DH that this happened to him. Are you going to tell him you went to check all this?

[CherryPie3]

Thank you so much itsall. You're right, I got the advice and support I needed, but why the backbiting now?

I know I shouldn't have to justify myself, why would I lie? Really, how on earth could I make all this up?? Trust me, my imagination isn't that creative.

[BitOutOfPractice]

Oh Cherry I'm so pleased you are able to put this to rest. Well done for tackling it!

[longingforsomesleep]

Oh for goodness sake - the policewoman probably mean that it's difficult to see what is going on inside a car from cctv footage so the most she'd probably be able to see is the woman getting out of the car rather than what was going on inside the car.

And those of you who don't believe the police would ever fail to follow proper procedure need a reality check. With relatives in the force I always want to believe the best of them but experience doesn't back that up. A friend of mine was assaulted recently and the police have treated her appallingly. They viewed cctv footage of the attack and misinterpreted what they saw (they've since acknowledged their mistake). But even though she's done nothing wrong they're putting pressure on her to drop the case and saying some really unbelievable things to her. DH did months and months of jury service a couple of years ago. The accused were, according to DH, clearly guilty, but the case was dismissed - because the police had cocked up their evidence. They do get things wrong believe it or not.

And people react differently when things out of the normal happen to them. One man might have gone straight home to tell his wife what had happened; another, like OP's dh, would have needed time to come to terms with it and probably couldn't believe what had happened. I remember when I was about 21 walking through some woods with a friend. I glanced to my left and saw a man exposing himself. My reaction? I kept on walking. Didn't mention it to my friend then or afterwards. I don't know why. People react in different ways. Personally, I think the whole saga is too bizarre to be made up.

[notanaxemurderer]

Cherry I am really pleased for you. I had believed in your DH right up until the CCTV footage thing. Now that's cleared up that must be such a relief.

Ignore the people on here who say you're making things up or that your DH is having an affair (wtf??) with the police officer.

Now hide this thread!

[Slugslasher]

Here's a hug Cherry xx. You've been through the mill xx.

I'm so pleased you have confirmation of his visit to the police station.

Your husband's experience was inplausible but putting myself in your position and my husband in yours I would err on the side of believing him. It all depends on how much you trust him.

We too were both very young when we met and settled down. My husband young and naive had to go to London on a business trip (years ago). On coming out of the underground, in the pouring rain, in the dark looking for the hotel he came upon a young very smartly dressed young woman and asked if she knew the whereabouts of the hotel he was looking for. She replied "No but would you like some company for the evening". He was quite mortified! As it happens nothing untowards happened but it unsettled him, more so because of her being a prostitute and nothing like what he would have imagined one to be as she was very well dressed and looked in his words like 'model'.

Another time (1980's) he was out with the lads at football training and was the designated driver for the lads and took them all home, after the pub. He was followed by the police and pulled over. They were horrible to him, breathalised him, (he was fine) one kept him talking clearly annoyed that he was clear ( they could smell alcohol in the car, but it had been full of sweaty beer drinking pals), whilst the other got in his car, tried his handbrake ( it worked), checked his tyres by going roundand kicking them and generally treat him like a lowlife (which he wasn't). By the time he got home it was after 1 am and I was worried he had had an accident. I was so upset on his behalf about what had happened. I believed him. There was no mumsnet in those days to put doubts in my mind.

If you know in your heart you trust him, only you know that, then you can put it behind you.

By the way. My husband has a job that takes him all over the world. He is in USA as I speak. I have 100% trust in him and he with me. Not all men are bastards. The good ladies on here are speaking from their traumatic experiences and have excellent radar to pick up the twazzacks. Only you know deep down your husband, your gut instinct should tell you.

[SouthernComforts]

delurking just to say - I have recently dealt with West Yorkshire police and I can believe the lack of formality, confidentiality and all the rest, so I can sort of believe the OP about that.

Good luck OP, hope you have the answers you were looking for x