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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I dump DP? Won't get married.

143 replies

BexFactor · 30/09/2012 17:10

He doesn't want to marry me basically.

After years of not wanting to get married, I've had a change of heart recently. I like the idea of that extra commitment, the contract or promise. Formalising our family (just us for now, hopefully DC not too far off).

We spoke about it a few months ago and I explained how I felt and that I want to get married, not have a wedding. He was up for us going down the town hall and just doing it one day. He explained he hadn't ever really wanted to get married but he was fine with this.

Then I talked about wondering whether I would regret my DB not being there when I got married. DP was v unhappy I had vocalised this, 'Next thing they'll be 100 people coming' etc etc. I said that we should talk about all of the options - just us, just us + DB or a small group (I think we counted about 20 close friend's and family).

Anyway for whatever reason a few weeks later we were talking about how much other people spend on their weddings and I said would a thousand pounds really be that bad and he said 'yes when I don't want to get married at all anyway'. Needless to say I was a bit upset about this, having (stupidly) thought that after we talked before, that he did want to marry me.

So I've been thinking about what to do now. Do I just accept that DP will never marry me and stay with him? Or do I move on and hops I meet someone who wants the same things as I do?

OP posts:

Original poster

BexFactor · 01/10/2012 10:39

Years of not wanting to get married yes... But not 'years of not wanting to get married to DP'. Most of the years are pre- DP!

OP posts:

MrSunshine · 01/10/2012 10:40

so? you were unclear, so picking at others assumptions is unreasonable.

fluffyraggies · 01/10/2012 10:41

OP i think posters are reading this -> After years of not wanting to get married, I've had a change of heart recently. 2nd line in your OP and it's seeding the idea it's a long relationship.

I really think in this guy's case when he said he's fine with just going down to the registry office and doing it he really means just exactly that. I think you were on a knifes edge of a yes to getting married there and probably anything you said subsequently, over and above ''great, perhaps in while we'll do that then'', would have tipped him into backtrack mode!

Is he chirpier today?

I think you'll have to be really patient with him on this one.

fluffyraggies · 01/10/2012 10:41

X posts :)

Original poster

BexFactor · 01/10/2012 10:57

Yes I think you are right fluffy. He has long standing issues with marriage and perhaps I am expecting too much. He is headstrong and is a bit of a pain in the arse to talk to about serious stuff (because in his mind it is already all figured out) but on the flip side he is kind, caring, strong, hardworking, ambitious, smart, funny, etc etc

I haven't spoken to him today - we're both too busy in the morning. Wondering now if I just leave it and not mention it again. Or if I say sorry, I appreciate it's weird I've changed my mind but I also appreciate it's not something you want. Or something.

Loads of conflicting advice but all gratefully received!

OP posts:

ZombiesAreClammyDodgers · 01/10/2012 11:03

Unless there are other signs that he is not committed 100% I don't see that you necessarily have to leave him.
Having said that you don't have all your legal rights if you aren't married so make sure you are sorted in terms of asset ownership, wills etc.

ZombiesAreClammyDodgers · 01/10/2012 11:03

Marriage is just a word and a man made thing after all.

LizLemon007 · 01/10/2012 11:30

Yes Bex, you are allowed to change your mind. Don't be too apologetic! yes it's confusing for him perhaps that you have changed your mind but that is not something that you really need to apologise too profusely over. Let him digest the fact that you ahve changed your mind and then tell him you'll give him a while to think about where that leaves you both before you bring it up again........... that way he'll know he's not expected to say or do anything on the spot, but hopefully it will be on his mind. Then when you do bring it up again, you can just ask him if knowing you've changed your mind changes anything, and then you'll have your answer.

LizLemon007 · 01/10/2012 11:34

Spero is right btw. I am shafted! My children's father wouldn't marry me to begin with and then I no longer wanted to marry him because I thought he was selfish and critical. I was backed into several corners. I'm still getting back on my feet. He's still in the same house, fancy new car, career went from strength to strength. I'm not bitter (well, a bit perhaps!) but the important thing is that olgaga's information should be read. Spero is right

OneMoreChap · 01/10/2012 12:18

You changed your mind; he said "OK, we'll marry".

There's now scope creep evident, and rather than have endless "discussions" about further scope creep, he's pulled the project.

Come back with a proper set of requirements.

Oh, and as olgaga suggests, protection for both parties is much stronger under a marriage contract. Depending on your relative earning power, and mutual ambition, this may - or may not - be a selling point.

mrsbugsywugsy · 01/10/2012 12:42

I think you need to find out why he doesn't want to get married.

Is is because he doesn't want to commit and doesn't share your future plans to have children?

Or is it because he doesn't see that marriage is a necessary as a symbol of your commitment, and doesn't like the idea of a big wedding?

If it's the first one then you probably are better off moving on if these things are important to you. Ditto if you can't have this conversation with him in the first place.

But if it's the second one then there should be room for compromise.

Original poster

BexFactor · 01/10/2012 12:55

The second one mrsbugsy.

OP posts:

mrsbugsywugsy · 01/10/2012 13:04

well then if he has told you that he is committed to being with you, and having children together, I guess the next step would be to sit down and discuss why it is that you feel marriage itself is an important step to you.

Make it clear that you are willing to compromise and not have a big wedding ceremony (if you are!).

I agree with people who said you should maybe give it a little while before raising the subject again.

My DP and I aren't married, because we both feel the way that your DP does - that it isn't necessary as a symbol of our commitment. But if my DP decided it was really important to him, then I would probably be happy to go along with it to make him happy, if that makes sense.

suckmycockiness · 01/10/2012 13:08

I never wanted to get married before meeting my now DH (been married 3 months). My reasons were having witnessed the toxic and seriously unproductive marriage of my parents. When they divorced, I was soooo happy. I even had a DD with my now DH before we were married, but it was actually the next of kin issue that spurred us on to getting married. I became extremely paranoid that my family (who I have had a major falling out with) would interfere in a next of kin issue, and as my relationship has broken down with them so much, I didn't want myself or my DH to ever be in that situation.

My DH thought we could just turn up at the registry office one morning (ha) and get married on the spot. I had to set him straight on this. We also agreed 20 max, but ended up with 80 ppl, which caused a little headache between us, but it turned out a lot of those 80 were his family!!

It was still an amazingly happy day, and really my point is that if he DOES want to get married, he should just say, not keep avoiding the conversation. That is unfair. He could tell you, he wants to marry you but no guests, only witnesses (one of which will be your DB), but to refuse to talk to you about it now is ridiculous.

olgaga · 01/10/2012 13:12

Brugsmansia

put in place proper legal agreements to safeguard both parties' interests. That does not need to be marriage.

Well you say you've read it, but you clearly haven't or you wouldn't say that. I despair of people like you who continue to spread this myth that marriage makes no difference to your rights on death or separation, or that you can somehow reproduce those rights by signing a legal agreement. You can't.

You can sign a cohabitation agreement, but that will only protect what you take in to the relationship. You can expect to pay around £500 for that alone, and of course you can actually get married for a lot less.

However, only marriage will give you the advantages and protection of the Matrimonial Causes Act, which takes into account any relationship-generated disadvantage, particularly to your earnings and future earnings as a result of having children and raising a family.

It also affords you protection against tax on inheritance from a spouse, as well as the ability to claim contribution based benefits.

fluffyraggies · 01/10/2012 13:18

It depends if you usually need to 'clear the air' with him Bex. In our relationship DP and i hate festering about stuff, on the off chance the other may not want to talk about it - and it usually turns out that it's a relief to have a quick chat about a misunderstanding, a kiss and make up.

In my case i don't think i did say any thing to him about how i was really feeling about his views on marriage - but then we never officially got as far as quarelling or not speaking over it.

In your case it sounds as if a little air clearing wouldn't go amiss. Something along the lines of 'look - - i love you, and i don't want us to fall out over this marriage/no marriage business. I respect that you're not sure. You know i love you anyway'

Spero · 01/10/2012 14:58

I don't think there is anyway you can get a share of his pension or spousal maintenance unless you were married. Seriously, anyone with young children who has given up working to raise them, if the father won't marry you that would be a massive red flag for me.

I walked away but fortunately I had not given up work - but the two years I spent not working mean I have earned less and thus have less of a pension.

There is serious talk of reforming the law to mirror the Scottiish system of relationship based economic disadvantage - what more proof do you need that you cannot replicate the marital financial safety net by prior agreement? There is widespread agreement and worry that the current system is highly disadvantageous to cohabitants.

By all meansif you don't want to get married, don't. But please don't be part of peddling this myth that you can sort out all potential financial difficulties by prior agreement. You can't. And 90% of the time it is the woman who is left in dire financial straits.

Miltonia · 01/10/2012 15:06

He doesn't sound very committed to you. Sorry.

JugglingWithPossibilities · 01/10/2012 15:14

Have only read page one but I'm thinking you need a partner you can talk things over with. If you've found you can't on this topic then that could well be a sign to think about the whole relationship, as you've recognised.

Original poster

BexFactor · 01/10/2012 18:50

Thanks for you comments everyone. My DP does love me lots and is committed to me, he just has a problem with marriage - just like some of the people posting here. I think this has shown me that what I have to work on is talking to him about how we can communicate better before I talk more about marriage.

Also the chat on here about marriage has been quite cold - legalities, business - and maybe I need to treat it as such. I'm absolutely not a weddinging type person -- i just want to make sure we are both legally protected for the future and I will talk to DP about this.

OP posts:

LolaCola1 · 01/10/2012 19:17

Poor guy.

He's in his 20s. Give him a break.

DontmindifIdo · 01/10/2012 20:24

I've said before, but a lot of men who say they are against marriage, when pushed, are against weddings. You can want to have the legal rights and responsibilities of marriage and to be legally committed and bound to the other person, but freak out at the idea of a wedding - I've met number of people who are 'against marriage' but say they'd be happy with a 'civil partnership for straight couples' - when you point out it's pretty much the same with the same rights/responsibilities, they don't mind, but when you say "get married" they do'nt think "legal commitment" they think "£20k wasted on one day, silly big dress, silly morning suit, god awful poems being read, great aunt and uncle trying to dirty dance, someone puking in the carpark and at least one bridesmaid in tears."

JugglingWithPossibilities · 01/10/2012 20:26

I think that's a great idea Bex - the biggest thing that's come up here IMHO is how you communicate and discuss things. That's a biggie for most couples.
All the best to you young whipper snappers

fluffyraggies · 01/10/2012 20:39

@ dontmindifido.

That was exactly it with me and DH. He wanted to be married - but he has a big family and couldn't bare the thought of all the 'you've been framed' cliche awfulness.

We even thought about a hand-fasting in fact. Just to avoid the usual wedding stuff. That was so tricky to organise along with the legal binding bit that we just went for a tiny wedding in th end - tastefully done. Well we think it was anyway :)

Original poster

BexFactor · 01/10/2012 20:40

What is 'hand-fisting'? Sounds more wedding night that wedding day!

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