Should I dump DP? Won't get married.

[BexFactor]

He doesn't want to marry me basically.

After years of not wanting to get married, I've had a change of heart recently. I like the idea of that extra commitment, the contract or promise. Formalising our family (just us for now, hopefully DC not too far off).

We spoke about it a few months ago and I explained how I felt and that I want to get married, not have a wedding. He was up for us going down the town hall and just doing it one day. He explained he hadn't ever really wanted to get married but he was fine with this.

Then I talked about wondering whether I would regret my DB not being there when I got married. DP was v unhappy I had vocalised this, 'Next thing they'll be 100 people coming' etc etc. I said that we should talk about all of the options - just us, just us + DB or a small group (I think we counted about 20 close friend's and family).

Anyway for whatever reason a few weeks later we were talking about how much other people spend on their weddings and I said would a thousand pounds really be that bad and he said 'yes when I don't want to get married at all anyway'. Needless to say I was a bit upset about this, having (stupidly) thought that after we talked before, that he did want to marry me.

So I've been thinking about what to do now. Do I just accept that DP will never marry me and stay with him? Or do I move on and hops I meet someone who wants the same things as I do?

That last is to help you by showing why I don't like weddings. If I had your problem, however, I might speak to DP and tell him why your mind has changed (although I suspect you're unable to fully articulate it to yourself yet). I might also mention that, while you're not creating an ultimatum, and the outcome is undecided (i.e. you want to discuss rather than convince), you don't feel your relationship has a future if you can't move on from this.

Oh yes, we have wills and so forth. The stuff to do with the Inferiorettes. But in all honesty, if my partner went off in a huff saying it was Marriage Or Nothing I would feel extremely upset and even if I did marry him (which I suppose I might do, given the fact we have a pretty nice life in many ways and it would be a shame to disrupt that) I would resent it hugely.

Never mind the not getting married, I'd be worried you can't discuss anything without him thinking it is an argument. If you have children together, you need to be able to discuss things freely. When you have had three hours sleep a night for nine months, believe me, the last thing you will want to do is have to pander to his not wanting to be open with you.

I once went out with a guy who could not discuss anything serious without me pressurising him into it - I am so pleased we didn't stay together, it would have been a nightmare.

This is some information I posted on another thread about this:

You really need to look into the legal/financial aspects in case of death or separation, especially if you have children.

If you have children together, and you separate, there are significant advantages in the financial protection you have if you are married compared with cohabiting.

It's hard before you have children to know whether you will want to continue working or not. Whether you are married or not, if you stay at home for any length of time then you stand to lose a great deal in terms of salary, pension, and the ability to earn as much as you did before you had a career break.

That means your ability to recover your financial position is undermined, and of course your mortgage capacity is diminished.

If you are married, then your contribution to joint marital assets is not only deemed to be equal, on divorce these issues are also taken into account in the financial settlement:

1.The welfare of any minor children from the marriage.
2.The value of jointly and individually owned property and other assets and the financial needs, obligation and responsibilities of each party.
3.Any debts or liabilities of the parties.
4.Pension arrangements for each of the parties, including future pension values and any value to each of the parties of any benefit they may lose as a result of the divorce.
5.The earnings and earning potential of each of the parties.
6.Standard of living enjoyed during the marriage.
7.The age of the parties and duration of the marriage.
8.Any physical or mental disability of either of the parties.
9.Contributions that each party may have made to the marriage, either financially or by looking after the house and/or caring for the family.

That's from the Matrimonial Act, and none of it applies if you are cohabiting. There may be consideration given to the housing needs if young children are involved, but not on a permanent basis.

So, many women in long term cohabiting relationships suffer terrible financial hardship.

It also isn't quite so easy to resolve the "next of kin" issue as some people believe - as we have seen here on Mumsnet - where the parents of someone's seriously ill DP intervened in his health care against her wishes. The term "next of kin" has no legal definition. It is only straightforward if no-one else in your DP's family challenges your status as "next of kin", even if you can show this was your partner's wish.

Even if you don't imagine now that inheritance tax will apply to you, it may in years to come. You would also be ineligible for any contribution-based benefits.

I suggest you read this helpful guide:

www.advicenow.org.uk/living-together/

There are legal agreements you can sign, but they still won't give you the protection marriage will.

www.co-operative.coop/legalservices/family-and-relationships/getting-together/

The other thread is here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1394224-What-do-you-do-if-one-of-you-wants-to-get-married-and-the-other-doesnt

'Never mind the not getting married, I'd be worried you can't discuss anything without him thinking it is an argument. If you have children together, you need to be able to discuss things freely. When you have had three hours sleep a night for nine months, believe me, the last thing you will want to do is have to pander to his not wanting to be open with you.

I once went out with a guy who could not discuss anything serious without me pressurising him into it - I am so pleased we didn't stay together, it would have been a nightmare.'

This! Totally!

I also agree with other posters who are pointing out that you seem to have a rather unsatisfactory relationship anyway!

He sounds really immature, with a bit of an inferiority complex - which would explain why he is using this opportunity to be capricious and veto your input. I bet he doesn't get the chance very often, so this could be quite revealing and not something you should ignore.

Your plans are hardly extravagant, and it is, after all, your wedding too. He seems to have seized this opportunity to assert control over this issue which is obviously important to you. For that reason alone, I wouldn't consider having children with him.

In fact I'd say at your age, after the length of time you have been together, now is a good time to cut loose, give your career another push and start looking for someone who values you more.

He sounds as though he quite enjoys messing you around.

Gut reaction - he's in his 20s, he's not ready.

The only thing i can add to this OP is that if you love him and enjoy your life with him then leave the wedding chat alone. He knows you'll say yes when/if he asks. (old fashioned sounding - i know, sorry, cant think of how else to phrase it)

If you decide to stay with him, don't be 'waiting', just be getting on with your lives together.

For info - i went through a similar scenario with my DH. (in his 30s) I got 'broody' for marrying him after 2 years of living together (out of nowhere, just like you i always said i was happy not to) i mentioned marriage a few times. He said he didn't see the point in it. Didn't like the idea of having to prove himself.

I wobbled privately, inside. Quite upset in fact, but i kept it in. Then i came over all 'bugger you then' - again privately, in my own head - and thought fine, no marriage, your loss. Humph. Never mentioned it again. I stayed with him because i love him. Never any question of me walking, just had to sort my head out.

Then suddenly a few months later he proposed! We married earlier this year. Still don't quite understand what changed in his mind (but i'm glad it did) :)

Good luck with this OP. Don't do anything rash. There's time.

No, I don't think he likes messing me around or that he has an inferiority complex. He's a good guy, he just isn't up for marriage.

Thanks fluffy.

I wasn't quite expecting so many leave the bastard comments.

I don't think I've said how long we've been together though.

I'm surprised by the number of leave him comments, but then I'm another non-marrier so would never see it as a deal breaker.

DP and I aren't married and neither of us want to. We have different reasons though. Tbh, I'm not completely sure of his but I just feel it's not necessary and personally I have idealogical issues with the idea of marriage.

We've been together for 5+ years, last year bought a house together and DC1 is now on its way. For me, both of those are a far bigger commitment. Our lives are now completely entwined due to these decisions we have made together. If we were married but with no children and no shared property we could walk our separate ways quite easily. As we are now, we could not do so.

I don't think the number of leave him comments are becaues he won't get married though. I think they are because he can't /won't talk about anything and that can not end well when you bring children in to the situation

OP feel free to be as defensive as you like about your DP and your relationship. But please read the legal information I have provided.

Brug, have you also read it? What on earth makes you think it's not so easy to walk away just because you have a house and children together? People walk away easily enough when they are married too.

It's nothing to do with how easy or difficult it is to walk away. It's the fact that if you do separate, and you are unmarried, there is no mechanism to recognise your contribution to the relationship and any economic disadvantage resulting from it.

Agree with olgaga. If you have children you really need to think very seriously about getting married. As it is almost always the woman who shafts her earning potential by having children you are only properly protected on separation by the Matrimonial Causes Act. It is nothing to do with 'ease of walking away'. I imagine that is always difficult, unless you have a rock where your heart should be.

Brug those reasons are DPs reasons and were mine, perhaps still are to some extent .

olgaga I have, thank you. It's really helpful and much appreciated

What olgaga said. Marriage protects the person who sacrifices their career when they have children. Unmarried couples don't have this protection.

looks like he doesn't want a big day, he said yes and you got carried away.

he said yes once (thats i big plus point for me) don't mention it for a while, then ask him again when its not all so tense. then make your choice.
if you want marraige give a time limit say six months etc to propose. or your off, it leaves the ball in his court then. if he still refuses you have your answer once and for all.

olgaga I have read it and I don't agree it is necessary to get married for those reasons. It is necessary to think together about what to do and if entering a financial arrangements together and considering having children put in place proper legal agreements to safeguard both parties' interests. That does not need to be marriage.

Anyway, I was primarily answering the OP's query about the extent to which people were suggesting she left him. Some related to the latter comments about how he was willing to engage with discussions on this point. It seemed to me there were a lot who just seemed to see willingness to marry itself as a deal breaker and an indication he wasn't committed.

OP, at the risk of labouring the point, what's in it for him? I'm sure he gets that you'd like it and that it would make you feel happy and secure. Who's thinking about what he'd like and what would make him feel happy and secure? It doesn't sound like this figures at all in anyone's thinking, and thus he can be excused for doing so himself, because nobody else is doing so.

If you take the approach "Marry me or I'll leave you" - that will be curtains relationshipwise, I would think. Because to him, if your way of getting your way is to issue threats, then he's certainly not going to put himself into a situation where you can issue much worse threats.

Do you get along with his friends? If not I suspect that he's discussed this idea with them and they've told him he's mad to consider this. If so then that is your obstacle, but in that case, hoping piously that he'll altruistically surrender to your wishes to make you happy at his own expense won't work.

Those provisions mainly apply if you've stopped earning, though. As I have worked since both my children were four months old and they are now 9 and 11, I'm not really frightfully worried, thanks.

The thing is, people say 'oh, but it would be such a little thing for him to do' while clearly thinking it isn't a little thing because they, themselves, set such store by marriage. I don't think marriage is a small thing....which is why I don't want to do it.

It's all about you then?

For years neither of you wanted to get married, then all of a sudden you change your mind and expect him to change his. He agrees to a minimal wedding, then all of a sudden you want more.
And you should leave him because he won't marry you? I would think it should be he should leaves you for being demanding and controlling and constantly changing the goalposts.

Apocalypto Yes I get on very well with his friends and family.

MrSunshine Have you actually read all of the thread?

Maybe there is something to be said for not being fussed about marriage until you meet the right person. Maybe this is what's happened to me.

And we haven't been going along 'for years'. I haven't once mentioned how long we've been together but everyone is assuming it's forever. It isn't.

Yes, all of it.
Your question in your OP is should you dump your boyfriend because he won't marry you. My answer would be yes since you can't really love him that much if a wedding ring with anyone is more important than being with him.
He always told you he didn't want to get married, he didn't lie to you, he didn't change the nature of your relationship. You did.

you say "After years of not wanting to get married, I've had a change of heart recently."

So its hardly surprising people think you mean you've been together for years.