Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Should I dump DP? Won't get married.

143 replies

BexFactor · 30/09/2012 17:10

He doesn't want to marry me basically.

After years of not wanting to get married, I've had a change of heart recently. I like the idea of that extra commitment, the contract or promise. Formalising our family (just us for now, hopefully DC not too far off).

We spoke about it a few months ago and I explained how I felt and that I want to get married, not have a wedding. He was up for us going down the town hall and just doing it one day. He explained he hadn't ever really wanted to get married but he was fine with this.

Then I talked about wondering whether I would regret my DB not being there when I got married. DP was v unhappy I had vocalised this, 'Next thing they'll be 100 people coming' etc etc. I said that we should talk about all of the options - just us, just us + DB or a small group (I think we counted about 20 close friend's and family).

Anyway for whatever reason a few weeks later we were talking about how much other people spend on their weddings and I said would a thousand pounds really be that bad and he said 'yes when I don't want to get married at all anyway'. Needless to say I was a bit upset about this, having (stupidly) thought that after we talked before, that he did want to marry me.

So I've been thinking about what to do now. Do I just accept that DP will never marry me and stay with him? Or do I move on and hops I meet someone who wants the same things as I do?

OP posts:

nkf · 30/09/2012 18:19

Did he say that in a snappy, oh do stop going on about weddings sort of way? Or quite straight? If he means it and it matters to you, then it's a deal breaker. If you can go back to where you both were a few months ago, then it's not.

Original poster

BexFactor · 30/09/2012 18:20

No I HATE weddingy weddings. Hate them. When I was thinking about more than just doing it and then going home for spag Bol and the xfactor, my grandest suggestion was a pub lunch - no cars, no flowers, no photog, no confetti, no formal clothes, no dancing, nothing. Just our local pub.

OP posts:

Xenia · 30/09/2012 18:22

If you have more assets and higher income than he has (very common these days) sign a pre nup. If he does may be if you sign one it will help persuade him.
Find out what he is against. Some people just dont' love that partner enough tio marry but woudl marry someone else. Others are against it on moral grounds or because their parents divorced.

If you earn more than he does then it certainly does not make financial sense to marry - I had to pay loads out in a divorce settlement to a man so don't rush into it. It might be your financial undoing!

izzyizin · 30/09/2012 18:26

Just tell him that as he obviously has no intention of marrying you, you're sure he won't have any objection to another man putting a ring on your finger and you'll be spending forthcoming weekends looking for Mr Goodbar Right.

Reassure Mr Charmless that as soon as you've found Prince Charming, you'll be off

Original poster

BexFactor · 30/09/2012 18:26

Sorry to drip, he says he just 'doesn't get' why people need to get married, esp if they aren't doing it for the wedding and public declaration. Says that he feels secure and that nothing would change so why bother.

Sadly Xenia neither of us are rich I would sign a pre nup if he wanted one (I don't think he would) but I don't think I would want one (even though I earn more etc)

OP posts:

Apocalypto · 30/09/2012 18:26

I'd be very wary of threatening to end the relationship if he won't marry you. The risk is that if it works he'll fear you may threaten him to get your way again; and if you're married the threat will be greater.

I.e. with the threat of an expensive divorce available, you'll threaten him more often. And therefore he'd be better off out now than later.

Just a thought.

Leverette · 30/09/2012 18:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Apocalypto · 30/09/2012 18:28

@ Xenia

If you earn more than he does then it certainly does not make financial sense to marry

Conceivably he's thinking the same thing and following your advice...

LeeCoakley · 30/09/2012 18:29

Well you need to discuss this with him. Does he know that it's marriage or nothing now? You need to ask yourself if you would be happy living without him and go from there.

After years of living together you are basically asking him to 'prove' his commitment to you. Maybe he feels insulted but is unable to verbalise this. As someone who has lived with a partner for 30 years and has never felt the need to get married I'm probably not the best person to comment!

nkf · 30/09/2012 18:29

But you felt that as well didn't you? You had "years" of not wanting to get married and had a change of heart "recently." I honestly think you should lighten up. Unless you are 43 and desperate for a baby. And even then I'd stay off talking about other people's weddings. He knows what you're gettting at, you know.

LaQueen · 30/09/2012 18:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

BexFactor · 30/09/2012 18:32

No I'm not 43 and desperate, and nor am I 'getting at' anything. I hope I've made it clear I'm not some bridezilla holding out for a proposal and ring- I am v honest with him and don't do sad hints. Apparently that's not gone well either though!

OP posts:

izzyizin · 30/09/2012 18:33

Did you secure a serious rock and get to wear a meringue, LaQueen

izzyizin · 30/09/2012 18:38

Jeez, he's one of those infuriating guys you just can't win with.

If the impetus to marry doesn't come from him, he'll be likely refer to having been marched down the aisle at the end of shotgun for evermore.

Is he worth the aggro, Bex?

Xenia · 30/09/2012 18:39

Ap, she earns more money than he does so it's against her financial interests to marry except in relation to inheritance tax if he dies if by then they have a lot of assets/house gone up in value.

It sounds like he will agree a ceremony without anyone there. So if you want that legal security do it on his terms - tell him that's fine with you, don't even invite your brother. Tell your brother in confidence that this was the only way to get the marriage bit. You can also have a family party even without your then husband if he won't turn up , a dinner or something to celebrate for all yhour aunts, uncles, family friends which they each pay for so it costs your family income nothing.

For many people whether they are married or just living with someone matters not a jot. Perhaps you need to ask yourself why it does matter to you?

AThingInYourLife · 30/09/2012 18:40

"He's pretty insensitive though and can't seem to talk about things with considering them arguments"

then you would be crazy to have children with him.

popsypie · 30/09/2012 18:41

OP I think from your posts it is not about the wedding day, just about him wanting you to be his wife and wanting to be your husband. I don't think this is you being demanding or a bridezilla. Everyone wants to feel wanted and loved. Someone saying 'I don't want to get married anyway' is the opposite of this and is very hurtful. I understand why you are so upset.

Only you know if you truly want to be with someone who wants to marry you or not. You need to decide if this to you is a marker for being truly together or not. Don't feel wrong either way - you are entitled to feel and want whatever you like. I wanted a marriage and I wanted a wedding too. I don't think it made me a bridezilla - I am entitled to be happy and live my life as I choose - as you are. Good luck.

LeeCoakley · 30/09/2012 18:42

Do you feel that you need the extra security because of wanting to start a family? If it is does he know this? It's the usual reason from what I gather from friends.

expatinscotland · 30/09/2012 18:43

I'd move on. If he can't have a sensible discussion about something like this, how's it going to be about major decisions like having children, if, God forbid, something happens to one of your children, wills, moving house/selling house for job relocation and stuff like that.

Do you want to marry a person who can't even discuss adult things like this without making you out to be a pain in the arse?

Exhausting!

LizLemon007 · 30/09/2012 18:46

I'd move on for a couple of reasons. One because he doesn't care that you really want to get married, but two, you can't have a discussion with him without him thinking it's an argument!! so basically you can't discuss anything!?!?

dequoisagitil · 30/09/2012 18:48

He makes snap decisions? And what? You go along, or if you disagree or want to discuss he gets snotty?

You need to be able to talk and compromise - if you can't do that now, marrying would be a huge mistake - and in fact having a relationship is a mistake. Talking things over is vital.

expatinscotland · 30/09/2012 18:51

Xenia, the man is so immature he won't even discuss marriage, I doubt he'd be willing to sign a pre-nup into the bargain.

clam · 30/09/2012 18:52

I wouldn't want to marry anyone who didn't REALLY want to marry me

LizLemon007 · 30/09/2012 19:03

and when you have children, there are SO many things to feel completely differently about, so many potential resentments and so many duties to be shared out, time -off to be negotiated, compromises to be made, new roles to be taken on and tried out...... it will be a nightmare for you.

Tell him you aren't going to marry him

ommmward · 30/09/2012 19:03

In your shoes, I'd be thinking really really carefully about what it is you want from being married.

It is nowhere near as big a sign of commitment as having children together. Leave it a few months, and then talk with him about the children thing - what does that actually mean? Can you make a solemn vow to each other and to yourselves that, come what may, you will remain on civilised terms until the children are 18? And then live your lives in accordance with that vow, come what may? Prioritise the health of your relationship; do whatever spiritual and personal growrth you have to do to nourish and appreciate each other - all that stuff means the children get a loving and minimally-stressed home environment.

That's a bigger commitment than being married, owning property together, or anything else you can think of. And a more important one, IMO.

(FWIW, we did the registry-office-with-the-two-local-friends-who-were-SAHMs-so-it-was-easy-to-get-them-along thing. After children, and primarily for legal reasons. I wear no ring; we don't tell people we are married, because neither of us is interested in hiding behind the institution).

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread