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Original poster

Should I dump DP? Won't get married.

143 replies

BexFactor · 30/09/2012 17:10

He doesn't want to marry me basically.

After years of not wanting to get married, I've had a change of heart recently. I like the idea of that extra commitment, the contract or promise. Formalising our family (just us for now, hopefully DC not too far off).

We spoke about it a few months ago and I explained how I felt and that I want to get married, not have a wedding. He was up for us going down the town hall and just doing it one day. He explained he hadn't ever really wanted to get married but he was fine with this.

Then I talked about wondering whether I would regret my DB not being there when I got married. DP was v unhappy I had vocalised this, 'Next thing they'll be 100 people coming' etc etc. I said that we should talk about all of the options - just us, just us + DB or a small group (I think we counted about 20 close friend's and family).

Anyway for whatever reason a few weeks later we were talking about how much other people spend on their weddings and I said would a thousand pounds really be that bad and he said 'yes when I don't want to get married at all anyway'. Needless to say I was a bit upset about this, having (stupidly) thought that after we talked before, that he did want to marry me.

So I've been thinking about what to do now. Do I just accept that DP will never marry me and stay with him? Or do I move on and hops I meet someone who wants the same things as I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
BexFactor · 30/09/2012 19:04

Yes, perhaps Lee.

Yes he can be a bit immature but he also has a lot of good points, hence me wanting to marry him. He is very young, younger than me (I am 30). I do wonder if he will mature.

OP posts:
ommmward · 30/09/2012 19:05

oh, and learn to negotiate and manage conflict between you. Doesn't matter whether you are married or not, but do whatever you (plural) need to do in order to learn how to have difficult conversations successfully. It took me and Dp about 12 years to get that cracked, and I'm really glad we stuck at it :)

Original poster
BexFactor · 30/09/2012 19:10

Liz He would be a good father. I got pregnant soon after we met (casual relationship). We decided that we wanted to be together forever and he moved across the country to be with me and we discussed childcare and everything would be 50/50... He's a feminist and not some old selfish sexist man set in his ways. (I miscarried)

Children have been on the cards ever since and marriage is something I have thought about for maybe six months or so. Yes I think it is the extra commitment I want, don't know why now though.

I'm not sure about the moving on thing because we do love each other and that counts in my book.

OP posts:
suburbophobe · 30/09/2012 19:10

If you have more assets and higher income than he has (very common these days) sign a pre nup.

As far as I know there is no such thing as a legally binding pre-nuptial agreement in UK.

Better check with a lawyer tho before blindly following advice on a forum.

Original poster
BexFactor · 30/09/2012 19:12

dequoi No, not snap decisions about our life I have to go along with or else. He just knows his own mind better than me and is more decisive. I am the complete opposite and can never decide anything! Frustrating for both of us.

OP posts:
suburbophobe · 30/09/2012 19:15

He is very young, younger than me (I am 30). I do wonder if he will mature.

Well, of course he will mature. No guarantees tho that means you will be together forever.

My DS's Dad is 13 years younger than me. I would never have held him to be beholden to me just because we were married and had a child together.

LizLemon007 · 30/09/2012 19:15

He may be a good parent, but you will be a good parent too and the pair of you are never going to agree about everything, from vaccinations to schools to how much tv......... are you going to roll over every time you feel differently because you can't discuss things!?

I basically had children in this sort of relationship. I cracked eventually. I could handle it no more. (funnily enough, my x wouldn't marry me either!!! turned out to be a huge blessing I now realise)

DontmindifIdo · 30/09/2012 19:15

Marriage is only a romantic and religious commitment if you want it to be, otherwise it's a legal commitment. If you are going to be the major care giver to any DCs then your earning potential is going to massively decrease, this is him legally tying himself to you. If he isn't prepared to do that, don't plan on having DCs with him, he might like the idea of DCs, but he's ensuring if he wants to leave he can do easily while retaining the bulk of his money and assets. That's the bottom line on men who will have DCs but "don't see the point in marriage".

DontmindifIdo · 30/09/2012 19:17

He might also not see the rush, because he does'nt have a rush, he's in his 20s, he's got 30 years to find the woman to marry and have a family with. He can 'play' family with you for a few years then leave you, only giving you the bare minimum of Child Support and keeping any assets to himself, and then go off and fully commit to someone else.

You have a lot less time.

Original poster
BexFactor · 30/09/2012 19:22

dontmind I understand that which is why our relationship was at first casual! I thought he was too young for me and told him I wanted kids within a few years so I kept my distance and insisted it wasn't serious. He told me he loved me and wanted children and understood that if he got together with me it would mean being a younger dad than if he met a woman his age or younger. It was only when I fell preg I really believed him.

Maybe the marriage thing is the compromise I make.

Thank you for all of your comments. It's really good to help me think through everything. Smile

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 30/09/2012 19:27

No, don't make a compromise on whether or not you are married - it's a legal commitment you should have. If the compromise is over the style of wedding, perhaps just a registery office with witnesses. Or a vegas holiday followed by telling everyone when you're back.

The thing you shouldn't compromise over is the legally binding commitment, if it doesn't matter to him then he should do it to protect you, if it does matter to him that he can leave easily, then that should matter to you!

DontmindifIdo · 30/09/2012 19:29

(Also check if it's the "legal commitment of marriage" or the "scary standing up in a morning suit in front of a couple of hundred people of a wedding " he's got a problem with, a lot of men who claim to not want to be married actually mean they do'nt want to go through with a wedding, however would be happy enough to be married if they just didn't have to do the 'centre of attention and spending £20k' bit)

motherinferior · 30/09/2012 19:31

Blimey, I'm glad it's not Mr Inferior getting advice from you lot. I've refused to marry him for years .

Xenia · 30/09/2012 19:32

sub, since the Radmacher case lawyers are very very busy with pre nups. You are right they are only of indicative force but much more than they used to be. However you need to enter into them well before the marriage and both sides need to pay for legal advice on them and the deal must be fair. SO yes you are h alf right that on the whole they are not as recognised as in some countries. It is a pity they are not as it would be safer if they could be 100% water tight with those precautions I mentioned. Also both sides must give full disclosure of their assets and income for them to be valid.

I think she earns more than he does so it's not a legal risk for him to marry but for her particularly if she keeps working full time when babies come along as most higher earning women do. Take him off for the no people present registry office thing, make wills and go forth and never give up full time work nor let him.

Original poster
BexFactor · 30/09/2012 19:34

motherinferior Can I ask why you have refused? And why he wants it? Be interested to hear what it's about when the sexes are reversed!

OP posts:
Apocalypto · 30/09/2012 19:41

@ DontmindifIdo

he's ensuring if he wants to leave he can do easily while retaining the bulk of his money and assets.

Which is what the OP is being advised to do by putting a pre-nup in place. I don't see why this puts him somehow in the wrong?

AKissIsNotAContract · 30/09/2012 19:49

How much younger is he? I only really wanted to marry when I turned 30 this year. Luckily for me DP is 32 and also ready. Whoever said upthread that you have a lot less time is being a bit melodramatic - 30 is not exactly past it.

DontmindifIdo · 30/09/2012 20:00

A pre-nup normally only covers assets owned before marriage, exisiting assets. If he keeps his finances separate, goes on to earn 4-5X the OP (particularly if she is a SAHM or goes parttime) then unmarried he can squirrel that away and she'll have no claim on it if they split up. Even if it represents hours of her covering evenings and weekends on her own so he can focus on his career, represents her agreeing to go without material things so they can save for 'their' future etc.

DontmindifIdo · 30/09/2012 20:03

Akiss - while at 30 isn't past it, it's not like she's got 5 years to waste if at that point she wants to break up and then start looking for a man to have DCs with, date for a while, get married and then start a family, be able to have more than one... While 30 isn't "throw away the contraception" age, it's certainly time to think "am I with someone I want to build my future with, and if not, what am I doing with them?"

beatofthedrum · 30/09/2012 20:04

It doesn't sound to me like you want to end it. Is he just in awkward-mode or does he generally refuse to discuss things? He def does not sound all bad in his past behaviour. Maybe he feels this has all been sprung on him a bit and has gone into a huff (totally immature and silly, not excusing it, just saying doesn't necessarily mean you should immediately leave him).

AKissIsNotAContract · 30/09/2012 20:07

No, which is why she is thinking of breaking up with him now. There are plenty of women on here who met their partners in their late 30's and have gone on to marry and have children. She shouldn't feel pressured to hang onto this bloke in case he's her last chance.

expatinscotland · 30/09/2012 20:08

'He is very young, younger than me (I am 30). I do wonder if he will mature.'

Plenty of men far younger are mature enough to have children. I married my husband when I was 31 and he was 24. He wanted to get married and have children, I did, too. So that's what we did.

He may have a timing issue, in that he'll want what you want eventually, but too late for you.

It happens. My ex boyfriend and I were the same age, but he wasn't ready to become a father until he was 40.

I had to find someone else.

You need to decide what is best for you, not him, because it sounds like two different things.

bumhead · 30/09/2012 20:11

why shouldn't she have 20 guests if that's what she wants? That's still very small.
She is only planning to do it once. If he is serious about her, whether he believes in marriage or not, is it really that much effort just to say those vows and have a very select few friends and family there?

motherinferior · 30/09/2012 20:15

Me? I just don't like the idea of being married. I quite fancy a wedding - I love a party, me, and being the centre of attention - but marriage doesn't really fry my onion. I'd have to refer to my 'husband' and similar cringe-worthy things.

He wants to get married because...oooh, I don't know. Various idiotic things like wanting to Show Commitment and all that.

NeverHaveIEver · 30/09/2012 20:16

I hate the idea of getting married. I think, in this day and age, there is no reason to have the state and the law define the parameters of my relationship with my DP. Commitment is all about intention and has very little to do with registrars and courts. A wedding is only a state-of-your-relationship announcement at a particular moment in your life.

I also hate wedding traditions and pretty much all ceremony. Even the idea of making vows in front of a registrar makes me squirm. However, DP and I had no problem sitting down with a solicitor and formalising the necessary parts of our relationship, especially when we had DCs.