Sofas and Slankets V Irregular choice shoes and Snogging - Dating Thread 23

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:)

fearless!. :). That's lovely! I'm loving all the happy platonic friends actually being something more. My heart increases. :)

snape it won't go tits up. In fact I'd be happy to bet on it not doing so! Especially now you've upped the ante with white mice

However in the (highly unlikely) event it does, I'll always be around to join in the singing/weeping as applicable :) as I am in a state of perpetual singledom

oh! found this - i like it...

"And I'll dance with you in Vienna,
I'll be wearing a river's disguise.
The hyacinth wild on my shoulder
my mouth on the dew of your thighs.
And I'll bury my soul in a scrapbook,
with the photographs there and the moss.
And I'll yield to the flood of your beauty,
my cheap violin and my cross."
? Leonard Cohen

:)

Snape how many white mice in a kilo? Could you have a trail of them leading to the notebook?

that would be awesome, but tweak his OCD. its not very hygenic

fearless!!! spill woman,you cant leave us with no details!! :)

western. I think you just have to go by your instincts here, do what you feel is best, but it sounds like you feel a bit uneasy about it??

Third date is on!! either wed or fri, depending on stuff. My choice :)

Yes, I am uneasy about it. I can't help thinking that someone who is still having a very emotionally-charged relationship (word used loosely, but there is a great deal of feeling there on both sides albeit negative) with their ex is not necessarily in the right place to be seeing someone else. I am also very wary of being drawn into things between them later on, as it seems to be very acrimonious with various family members and friends being drawn in and taking sides and not speaking to each other and all that, and the third possible problem is my thinking that he's only/partly wanting someone to get back at his ex for having a new man . . . or is that far too cynical?

The split was over a year ago and tbh I would have expected things to be calmer and at least functional by this stage, although I don't have any real experience of this myself as we don't see my ex at all. There seem to be daily rows and nasty phone calls/texts etc and although it's up to him/them if they want to play it like that, I don't want anything to do with it even second-hand.

I think I'm going to see how things go next time I see him and make a decision then. Maybe I just caught him at a bad time yesterday when he was feeling a bit raw about stuff that had been going on . . . or maybe not!

oh, i think we all understand. I think at this point you have to be selfish and do whats right for you. Like you say, the potential to get drawn in and embroiled in it all is high. as is the risk that you are going to get hurt.

Sorry - its a bit crap really. but i supose this is all part of dating, its getting to know someone and then knowing when to leave it when you find stuff you dont like.

Snape - the Leonard Cohen quote is amazing - have you got room to inscribe that at the begininng? Or maybe put it in his birthday card?

Western - I get why you are a little wary. The last thing you want is to get caught in the middle. One of the reasons I didn't want to see the Frenchman again is because he clearly still had a lot of stuff to sort out with his ex-wife. Alhough if I'd really, really liked him it might have been different. I'm also aware that I, myself, am still caught up in a pretty acrimonious relationship with my ex. It's been 10 months since we split and we've sorted out all the legal stuff but I still have little choice but to put up with continuous bullying and general bullshit from him. I'm getting better and walking away from a fight with him but it's not easy - the learning curve is fucking steep! Why don't you wait and see?

Sort of chatting to a couple of guys on OKC although no one really interesting.

Yes, he has texted to say things are a bit "tricky" but he still wants to carry on . . . So I am not giving up on him yet, maybe it was a bad time this weekend as he was supposed to have his children but his ex didn't let him have them at the last minute, so it was all a bit difficult for him. I am going to see how things go as I do really like him . . .

hello hello hello. I've been a bit hidey I'm afraid.

snape I second yogagirl17 on that quote, it's a stunner.

I guess I'm looking for advice (ok, maybe not advice... but give it anyway)

I think FWB might be interested in a little bit more and I'm thinking maybe, maybe not. You know? It's been so long since I did all of this new relationship stuff. How do I broach the subject?

I've been talking to a guy on POF, 2 weeks of much banter and chat and he still speaks english and I haven't seen any cock shots... Thing is I'm just sitting there wondering why I'm fannying around chatting to him when he doesn't seem in any rush to meet. What's he not telling me? Shame really because he seems human..

The lady from OkCupid messaged me to ask if I fancied a bike ride but I'm sticking to the 2 last minute cancellations and you're out rule. Shame, she seemed lovely.

How telling is it that STBXH wants the kids overnight wednesday and while I toyed with the idea of just asking POFdude out or even hunting down one of my girly friends what I actually did was ask FWB out for a friend hat cup of coffee. Oh god, I fancy him properly don't I? pants.

Gosh, I feel a bit sadsam today.

Well, Shuckle, if you like him and he likes you . . . what's stopping you? I don't know if I'd really broach anything - it will all sort itself out - or you could ask him out on some date-type things to get away from it just being a sex thing - oh, you already did

Just been talking to my cousin (also a dater) about the optician and she has quite rightly pointed out, like Yoga, that by the time you get to my age (15,214 days old as my daughter kindly pointed out this evening) there are not many people without their share of ishoos, me included. So, I am not going to be hasty and bin him off straight away, I think he's potentially worth more than that, so I will just mentally take a step or two back but carry on at least for a little while. Well, it's a plan, anyway.

Started chatting to 3 men on OKC. Man1 doesn't totally seem my type but figured exchanging a few messages couldn't hurt. He was talking about how strange he's finding the OD thing but found my profile endearing and 'real'. Seemed all right & I replied - just general chit chat. But then half an hour later he started backtracking and apologising if that all came across wrong and of course he thought I was beautiful as well...Ugh. Wishy washy. Bleh.

western that's the thing, we both occupy roles in our community so meeting for coffee and a bitch session chat isn't anything unusual. I'm debating just laying it all out but I'm just nervous and reticent about it all. He's stupid smart and so together and composed next to me, as well as having a high powered job and a posh house etc etc... nothing that really matters but it matters.

yoga Just stop typing. Nobs like that aren't worth the typing time.

western - sounds like the best way to deal with it :)

Yoga - the block button is your friend!

puppy is going away today, so ther isnt going to be much contact till he gets back, late on thursday night. I was thinking about emailing him - rather than texting. But i dont know if this is good? help?

I was going to say something along the lines of having done some thinking while i was away and he was away. And how i went away at the drop of a hat - without thinking about him, and how im not going to change and have decided that i dont actually want to be in a relationship at all. But that ive had a lovely time with him, that its been fun and that i wish him all the best.
That its very hard for me to say all this, and i know it will hurt him, and i dont want to do that, but its for the best. And that i dont want to discuss it further. And while im happy to be friends, i dont want to be texting etc all the time.

Is something like that ok?

watch you sound lovely. You can break up with me anyday. I suggest keeping it as brief as you can. The brick wall approach "this isn't working for me, it's unfair on both of us to continue".

I sometimes think that the friend speech is a waste of time. If they're not going to take no for an answer then you've given them permission to keep at it. Maybe just break it off, wait a bit and then talk about that?

Good luck.

Im not lovely,its all lies!!!

But, despite his selfish behaviour, i know hes going to be really upset. I am really uncomftable with me being the cause of that .

Im just trying to be as gentle as possible .

Hi watch - a few thoughts (most of which pretty much second what Shuckleberry says)

First of all, don't say you're still happy to be friends. It will give him false hope, will make it harder for him to move on, and may still leave room for him to do all the things that annoy you the most (like asking if he can crash at your place cause it's convenient).

Second - what exactly is making you so uncomfortable? You are not responsible for his hurt feelings any more than you are responsible for his selfish behaviour. I get that you want to be gentle but maybe it's the lies that are making you uncomfortable as much as the fact that you know he will be upset. Why not find a way to say it so that you're not lying, you're being true to yourself but also not doling out a character assassination. Like shuckleberry suggested, what's wrong with "I'm sorry, I know this isn't waht you want to hear but this really isn't working for me and I don't feel we can continue."

Watch - not sure what difference it makes whether you e-mail or text, really. It's a fine line between trying to be gentle and making sure you don't leave the door open for more communication etc. I would leave the friends thing off, tbh, unless you really DO see yourself being friends with him at a later date, and given the history here I think that would be difficult. The rest of it sounds fine.

Loads of good luck with this - I sympathise such a lot as I hate this sort of thing (and have gone out with people in the past for longer than I should have just so I can avoid having this type of conversation). You can do it, though!

Hi everyone

watch - i think that sounds fine, I usually think when someone says we should be friends that the guy should know they are just saying that?

so I am now about to tell mr wealthy that we should be friends. I spoke to him on saturday and told him i thought he was rude and seemed much less interested this week. and he has been texting more since then and we spoke last night.

but i feel like after a massive shift in his behaviour that I dont feel the same now. he asked me to meet up this week and i said i will let him know if i can. but now i am worried that he thinks its all about sex now and isnt very interested so i'm not looking forward to seeing him like i was last time. and still feel annoyed so whats the point.

when i speak to him now i feel less jokey and sparky and more like what the hell is going on here and that really shouldnt be the case after only one date.

I do feel slightly sad about it as really liked the way he came across before, and now its like ok back to thinking most men are crap.

ok - will leave the friends bit off, we dont have much in common to be friends really.

i feel uncomftable because i WILL be causing him upset. Theres no way round that, it will be my fault.
I dont like hurting people.

I dont feel that after 5 months i can say ' this isnt working' i think he deserves some kind of explaination, even if its a made up one.

i dont know, im big on the whole ' treat people how you would like to be treated' and find it hard to be so cold about things.

moving - pah - all that after only one date. no, not worth the effort at all.
a just friends text or something is good
not all men are crap. just most :)

watch people do get hurt in life sometimes, and you are not being cold because you do care! All you can do is say it in the nicest way but it has to be said, because it would be mean to string him along!

He is an adult and will be fine!

hmmmm, he doesnt consider himself to be an adult... which is one of the reasons im dumping him.

how old is he?