Sofas and Slankets V Irregular choice shoes and Snogging - Dating Thread 23

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:)

And yes I completely agree about the hobby thing! Sometimes I feel like I'm trapped in the house at night like a prisoner just because I'm a mum. And I have got family that will babysit but no money to go out! And right now no money to go shopping to cheer myself up! As I am working parttime so that I can study to better myself for me and dd! But it's a struggle, I'm used to having money in my bank at the end of the month, let alone a week after being paid

fraystar at mr workaholic only caring about his work! Even when I felt like crap this morning that made me

I dipped my toe into the OD world and joined POF a couple of weeks ago. I was talking to this lovely man the other night, we had loads in common and he didn't offer me a picture of his knob. I got a bit distracted with Mr not so nice but fit younger man and haven't been on for a few days. I just logged on and Mr nice had sent me a message yesterday asking me out for dinner and then it looks like he's deleted his account. I hope he doesn't think i was ignoring him.

Oh nooo are you sure it has been deleted and not just hidden? Have you tried replying?

possibly married.... they have habits of doing things like that...

Sponge and everyone else really: I get what you're saying that you'd like to meet someone who recognises how amazing you are. The thing is, to do that they have to be pretty amazing too, and finding a decent one amongst the charmers, players, drug addicts, marrieds and emotionally unavailables is bloody hard. There are loads of meh-average ones there and you are all clearly beyond them.

Science boy knows I have a past that makes Jeremy Kyle look tame. That was on the second date. You can tell I'm bit ditzy, a bit eccentric. I used to attract all the specimens above, and what's worse, they were attractive to me too. My life was a car crash but it's not any more, and I want to explain that. I know I dont have to, but I'm an open book and I figure if my radar is working now, then it's ok for me to be an open book because I'm safe.

I don't think I would have gone for him before. He'd not have been edgy enough, or damaged enough, or whatever the hell it was I went for. But he seems so nice I can't believe it. Last night I thought we arranged for him to pick me up at 6.30, when the babysitter arrived as per the previous night. 6.30 came and went. I texted "Sorry babysitter not here yet." Then I checked texts and remembered that babysitter wasn't coming till 7.30. Nightmare!

So I texted and said so to him. He replied "You want picked up?" "Yes" I said and asked where he was. At home. We hadn't actually arranged a time, but the extra strong painkillers I've been on had me imagining that we had.

I was mortified. I thought "He's going to think I'm a total flake and dump me" and texted saying "Sorry am not usually this bad" he replied "No worries. See you in 20 mins"

He was fine. If that had been my toxic ex...you can imagine. I keep waiting to see what is wrong with him.

I dunno if this is helpful. It's probably really obvious, but I'm a late learner. I've finally realised that if you're gonna choose a sexy charmer, be aware that he will never change and will always let you down, one way or another.

you know when sometimes you meet someone so beautiful and then you actually talk to them and five minutes later they're as dull as a brick...but then theres other people and you meet them and you think, 'not bad, they're ok', and then you get to know them and their face sort of becomes them. so beautiful

the world is like a ride in an amusement park...

the wind it just whips her away and fills up her brigantine sails, she'll carry on through it all, she's a waterfall.

the last page... but one... Doctor: no you tell me, you tell me who you are. River Song: I am telling you. can't you read?

sorry to post and dash - need to go and pick him up to go and languish in a hot tub for an hour or two....

madam - yes, i thought puppy was ' nice' to start off with.I thought i had cracked it by kind of doing what you have just said. I was wrong!!!
SO SO wrong.
I thought an ' adverage' one and having time to get to know him, and him me, was a fab way of doing it.

The reality meant i over looked things that bugged me, for the sake of ' adverage'

It was fun for a little while, and now you all know what situation im in now.

I dont think there are two options of either nice, nor sexy charmer. There has to be some middle ground.

Watch Sorry I am just loving the fact that I can better spot the nobbers quickly
and they aren't appealing any more. And I shouldn't be waxing lyrical after 3 dates. I'm just happy that I've moved on a wee bit. No doubt plenty of irritating traits will surface in Science Boy, but the fact that he has given no indication if being passive-aggressive, moody or manipulative is incredible. I know, I know, there's plenty of time for him to show feet of clay but am enjoying it while it lasts.

Also am not saying that there are only nice men or sexy charmers, am saying (not very clealry) that I used to think that sexy charmers could be nice/decent if I only tried harder. BUT the reason I was attracted to them is because they were toxic. "Charmer" in my book means someone fake, manipulative and untrustworthy, as described by Sandra Horley in her book about Charm Syndrome Man. "Power and Control - Why Charming Men Make Dangerous Lovers"
Or as explained here

Moving Mr Wealthy sounds like a dick. I loathe that "What you mean?" nonsense. It's usually accompanied by big puppy eyes. And as for the rest of the text...it just screams "manchild"

ah - i get you. If hes wildly different from your usual type... then yes, can see where you are coming from.
puppy was lovely for about 2.5/3 months. maybe a bit more...

hes not agressive, knobbish, controlling, mean, nasty, or all the other ' red flag' type behaviours.
He was kind, thoughtful, would jump though hoops for me....

But hes still an arse.... just in a different way, in a selfish way.

i think people can be charming in different ways, its not only in the confident, gift of the gab type way we automatically assume......

not saying your guy is like that at all, but i think try to remember and i will be doing so too... that just because someone is a lot nicer, and you cant instantly see any red flags, that they are safe and its all ok.....

Oh absolutely. My ex's way of charming me was to paint himself as a loving, abandoned husband. He was too clever to say anything outright bad about his ex, just gave the impression that he'd done all he could and worked hard to save the marriage. I thought he was a decent, honest man and his wife was daft to let him go

I know it's unwise to make assumptions about people early on, you are quite right. I am being one of those daft optimists so thanks for a dose of common sense. I need it.

yes, dont go shopping for wedding dresses just yet.

its nice to be all excited, its lovely :) just, keep your wits about you... and dont assume.

( its SO easy to make assumptions to fill in the blanks)
I believed puppy about a few things for about 2 months, then i got to know him more and realised that actually the truth was the total opposite of what he said, but until then i had no inkling...... which i wouldnt, because i didnt know him.

It takes time to get to know someone.....
theres no way round it, we cant make second guesses...

It's true you don't know men at all at the beginning, time will tell and all that. Not that I ever get beyond the beginning, so it hardly matters in my case :)

Sorry if I get it wrong.

Being a lawyer means shit to me, honestly. I know fantastically well educated people with lots of responsibilities who have issues in their lives.

Sponge, you have NOT ever had a second date. Just not in the last four years.
The fact is that everytime here you are in touch with somebody or have a first date you immediately say that it won't go far.
It is sad to read it from here, even if the prediction is correct

Personally, if people started saying that I would need a man and so on, I'd tell them very quickly that I'd rather be alone than with some twat. and now you will tell me that you do that

My initial post was a reaction to what you had been told. Yes to going out, but NOT with the aim of meeting men. Or stay in if you prefer.

I don't say anything of that nature when people tell me I should find a man. I generally just smile and thank them politely for their advice which of course I completely ignore. I found some years ago that telling people you don't need a man gets you labelled as bitter/a man-hater, and frankly I can't be bothered arguing with stupid people who think you're nothing without a man. Nothing I say will change their blinkered view of life.

And I'm not always predicting doom, certainly not in advance. AFTER first dates, yes, but then I've got that 100% correct so far. And after the date, the decision is made, me THEN starting to feel negative about it makes sod all difference. I remember being on the date with the scaffolder and being utterly certain I'd see him again. I literally did not have one doubt in my head the whole time I was with him. Not one. So I didn't self sabotage, it's not me approaching it being negative that caused it to fail. He changed his mind, and that's nothing to do with me.

I go on dates hoping I'll have a nice evening, and some good conversation. If I get both, and feel an attraction as well, I want to see them again. If the above applies, and they ask to see me again, I hope that it will happen. I really do. And when I then don't hear from them, when they don't text or call, or cancel our arrangements, then I am negative. I am perceptive enough to know it means they have lost interest. And I am (so far) always right. And frankly better that than be deluding myself for days/weeks that I will see them again, only for the same outcome.

Society hates women to be alone, and okay about it.
To cope is one thing, to thrive is another.
It is a hard position to be in, especially if you would like to have a partner of any sort, because you are always on the defensive.Especially if you are childless because then you get told to 'pull your finger out', 'don't leave it too late' 'get a move on' etc.
Hate, you have had an unbelievable run of bad luck, it has to change soon...

feeling negative post date, 24 hrs on, when you havent heard from them, is an entirely normal reaction..... if sponge was hanging onto hope that cancelled second dates were going to be rearraged, she would be deluded.....

It is all just luck. right person, right time how desperate people are
I could have had a second date with my first ever internet date, he asked and was keen, but i wasnt interested....

anyway - i need to finish getting ready, date in 40 mins. I have no idea how its going to go....

Right everyone - could you help me compose a kind brush off text please? Quarry guy resurfaced yesterday with an invite to posh dinner in Nov (big event locally). Don't want to go/go out with him but he has been nothing but gentlemanly and pleasant so doesn't deserve any crap. What should I say?

I've sent a message to Mr Nice, i doubt he'll get it though because it says his account has been deleted. Oh well onwards and upwards. No contact from Mr not so nice young man today and he can bugger off if he thins i'm texting him 1st. I'm missing talking to him actually he was making me smile a lot :(

Western - why don't you just tell quarryman that you've started seeing someone?

sponge. Chin up sweetie. I know it's rough. You'll get through. You're indestructible. :)

watch. Hope you get a jolly Rodger.

scrablet. Hello! I absolutely agree... This goes back as far as 'burn the witch' society hates the idea that women can be independent, successful, raise great kids, be amazing without having a man to 'fix' things.

western just say no! You don't have to give explanations to this chap.

Well, I'm squeezed into an impossible dress, blow dried, made up, off to the lesbian ball... Nice to see PM today, missed him, but he's in a funny old self deprecating mood, talking about how he finds himself irritating and that's why he's single, because he doesn't want to inflict himself on anyone and if he ever found himself married and or having a kid, he'd have an affair to 'get out' because he's basically selfish.
Me: but what if you met that one person, who you wanted to grow old with and sit on a porch and you were so, so happy...
PM: what like Rory and Amy?
Me: yes!
pM: but they spent eternity in a room together...
Me: no they didn't! It was a paradox

Not exactly sounding like a catch, is he, ladies....

I'm off to charm lesbians. . Meh.

snape - had almost the same argument with my mum the other day - not the bit about affairs & growing old together, the bit about whether Rory & Amy had to spend all those years stuck in a room together - I assured they did not, they had a great life. Anyway, have a fab time with the lesbians!

I'm spending my Sat night in with 3 kids (not all mine), frozen pizza and chips and the X-factor.

scrablet I agree, and thanks :) you'd think so, wouldn't you. I hope my luck will change. I'm not sure it can get any worse, in dating terms!

western just say it's very of him to invite you, but you really don't feel on reflection, that you felt any spark between you, so thanks, but no. And that you wish him well, etc.

snape have a brilliant time tonight! am sure you look fabulous :)

watch ditto. have a fab time with the pirate!

I am home alone tonight, full of cold, sinuses congested and looking like crap. House is a tip and I have no food may have to force myself to do the 2 mile walk to the supermarket. Will be mostly eating, watching crap TV and feeling sorry for myself (ie like most evenings, except for the absence of the DC!)

It's funny, I'm NOT buying thinking wedding dresses, or even that this is "it" or will work. My hope is simply that I've met someone who isn't a nob, because even if it doesn't work out and we're just incompatible, my faith that there are decent men out there will be restored.

If there's not a dating site out there called "Needle In A Haystack", there should be!

Sponge I've had it happen ONCE that a date said he'd "love" to see me again and it didn't happen. (No other second dates except Science Boy) I was annoyed, confused, made excuses, put it aside then when he told me'd met someone else, almost upset

I wasted so much energy...Having that happen repeatedly over four years would send me over the edge. I salute you. Mixed messages are the headfuck from hell.

Madame I can understand that. If I could meet one man I liked, who also remained interested in me long enough for a second date to actually happen, it would restore my faith in the male species and in the concept of dating :) am not holding my breath.

I could write a book on mixed messages! I've had second dates actually arranged 4 times this year, and every time they've cancelled. 3 claimed they were ill, then contact just tailed off, the other said he wasn't ready for a commitment despite less than 24 hours earlier telling me to think of him as my boyfriend. I just think --all- most men are full of shit now until proven otherwise...