Sofas and Slankets V Irregular choice shoes and Snogging - Dating Thread 23

[watchoutforthatsnail]

:)

I hope you didn't mean your comment about how I define myself to be quite so patronising as it comes across. I don't define myself in that way at all, though plenty of people are quite prepared to do so for me, and tell me I am fuck all without a man - hence today's comment about how I need to get out more. As though that is magically the solution!

Actually I think the fact I have endured 4 years of pretty much constant rejection from every man I meet whether in RL or online, and it hasn't turned me into a complete wreck is a bloody achievement. I seriously doubt many people could do that.

I don't really care re the work boy per se. He's clever, and attractive, and could have been a nice diversion for a while, but it's not to be. Its just the sameness of it all that bores me. I'm not sad about his lack of interest, a bit irritated, but not sad.

Sorry if it did come across as patronising.

But, I wonder why people are making those comments.
Are they totally uninvited?

Because here you are often down about it and keep predicting the worst.

I admit I have a biased view, of course.

Oh Sponge, it all sounds really maddening. I know the boy might have been a fun diversion but I'm sure if you hadn't had so many disappointments lately you wouldn't even be giving him a second thought. I just keep reminding myself what everyone on here keeps saying - you never know why someone isn't interested and 99.9% of the time its absolutely nothing to do with you. Anyway, his mummy probably still irons his pants and makes his packed lunch.

Right, dating gurus, need some input here re my optician.

First of all, I'm seeing him tomorrow (for an all-nighter if my mum comes through with an offer of a sleepover for the children)!! Whoopee!! No stopping me this time.

Second, been texting again tonight and I was getting odd vibes off him. Said something like "Are you okay? I know there's a lot going on in your life at the moment." (Family and work stuff). He replied that there was a bit more going on than I knew about, and could we meet to have a chat so he could explain. I am imagining all sorts of shit from minor to totally OTT stuff!

Third, made a massive (and after the fact quite funny) misreading of one of the first part of the text just before the "more going on" stuff where he said he's happier than he has been in a long time because he's met a nice woman. In conjunction with the other bit of the text, I thought he was saying he'd met someone else and felt he owed me an explanation about stringing me along . . . but no, apparantly I am the nice woman! And he said he didn't think it would happen but I've really got to him and he keeps thinking of me . . . So I guess I'm not chucked then. Honestly, though, I read that text and just went cold and thought, oh god, he's been a bit odd tonight, here it is . . . Texting huh.

I have some "explaining" to do to him as well at some point, mainly about the ex. To cut a long story short, the ex was abusive to me and the children, only found out about what happened to the children after he left but we ended up with a police case against him, court cases, CAFCASS, the full works and the children and I are "in hiding" due to his threatening and violent behaviour. So, although I don't want to go into a lot of details, I am sure all of this has left its mark on me and made me a bit wary and mistrustful, and I want to talk to him about it at some point. Bit worried about what he will think though as I've never told a man about any of it before. Maybe I'll wait until he's done his bit before I do mine then I can see how bad his is first!

Hey Western - well while you are waiting for the dating gurus to come along I'll put in my 2 cents worth. He says he's happy, you've got to him - that all sounds really good! You don't know what's going on for him so you'll just have to wait and see what he says. As for when to tell him about your situation re your ex - that's tough. Things are going well but you have to decide how much you trust him yet. You could tell him enough so that he understands where you coming from - that you're a bit wary - but not have to go into the whole story at this stage....? Hope all goes well tomrrow anyway. x

People make these comments to me because the people I know, the circles I move in, whether at work or outside, are full of couples. I know very few people in RL who are single. Said comments come of course from people who are not single - and actually who don't know me that well.

And 'predicting the worst?' I don't have much faith in getting to a second date with anyone, but then I never have got one, so that's hardly surprising. Like I said, anyone who's been through 4 years of the bullshit I have would struggle to be even the slightest bit optimistic, the fact I actually am at least in RL fairly cheery most of the time shows what a bloody amazing person I am.

I don't care why the boy isn't interested. I'm just bored that it's the same old story, that nothing changes. It's dull. I'm bored and tired of men always seeing me the same way.

Western I wouldn't be telling him anything about your Ex any time soon, and only in general terms when you do. You don't really know him yet, and even once you do, I wouldn't get into the detail of what went on. Maybe that's just me - I know with my lovely Ex, the most I ever said re the Evil Ex was that he treated me badly, and was not a nice person. I don't think I'd ever tell any future partner (haha...flying pig, etc) anything more than that either. I didn't see what good it could serve to go through how he physically and verbally abused me for years. But feel free to disregard my advice, because it's not like I ever get any dates, so what would I know...

Thanks both of you - wasn't really planning on saying any more to him than I just wrote in my last post, well, probably a bit less actually, but I think I would like to say something some time soon so he knows it's not about him if I seem a bit wary/odd sometimes. Would never talk through the details with anyone ever again. I know that some particular things can really set me off and I would just like him to have some idea what is going on in case anything does - really innocuous things mainly!

Sponge hope you are okay. You seem low today.

ok ive now had enough of mr wealthy!!! i really like him but he has def been much quieter! and he didnt reply to the last text i sent him, even tho i was only replying to him??

so i am now officially not speaking to him

i also accepted next door neighbours friend request from about a month ago...

and i am even thinking about accepting mr workaholics friend request too!!!! some one stop me... nearly a bottle of wine down and ready to get in trouble... lol

Western I'm just a bit pissed off about today not really going as I thought it might, and with men generally being stupid and not seeing me for the amazing person I am. Not upset, or sad though which is good I think, I'm done with crying over stuff.

Moving sorry Mr Wealthy sounds like a bit of a prick. Don't bother texting him again, see if he comes chasing you. And step away from facebook :) says the person who has just spent half an hour stalking various men on there

Ok I have only just seen your reply, and it's too late!! I accepted mr workaholics request! Spoke to him on the phone for hours and told him while we were seeing each other I slept with 4 people!!!!

I was in complete bitch mode all because mr crappy wealthy wasn't chasing me!!!! Ahhhh I hate men! I hate them, just as you think you found a nice one it all goes wrong!!

So if I do happen to talk to mr workaholic again should I back track and say I was lying? He couldn't believe what I was saying and told me he put me on a pedal stall etc!! funny that considering he treated me so badly!!!

I am in a mess!!!

Were you lying?

I wasn't lying that I had slept with people! Actually I had slept with more then 4!!

But obviously I would never tell him that!!

God I'm such a mess!!

moving - perhaps its time to step back from dating for a momment, its meant to be fun. Id just delete mr workaholic and leave it. As for mr wealthy - again,just leave it. You cant tell if someone is nice from one date, or even 10. Again, we never know their intentions and its their best side they are showing you. It takes time to get to know someone to determine how ' nice' they are.

Western - in NO way would i be telling anyone anything like that, esp after only a few dates, why lay yourself so bare? why does he need to know? he doesnt. If he wants to talk ( and you dont know what about yet) then let him,but id be warey of somone spilling their guts and a whole ton of emotional outpouring after a few dates.

Sponge. I get you. For what its worth, you have a way more active social life than me. Or evening social life. I get the odd comment too, people have said they dont understand how i can be on my own and how they wouldnt cope without a man. A recently divorced school gate mum was discussed as being very different to me because she couldnt cope without being in a ' family' set up. I think i AM in a family set up. But it goes to show you how people view things differently, and i sometimes get pissed off at having to justify myself. I also think the boy thing was just a general fed up ness at a non changing situation rather than ' him' as it were. And you are right, after 4 years of it it would grate on anyone. I dont have any advice, only letting you know that i understand.

Leuiji - i think its sometimes easy to forget that this is a thread about dating, and people, on the whole, mostly post about dating. Its in no way a total picture of the person, its more like a tiny, tiny peephole. sponge is a well rounded, intelligent woman, shes a lawyer fgs, and ever so lovely. She doesnt really need to be told to go do things for herself.....

Date with pirate later, he text me a few times yesterday evening too... so im thinking hes maybe quite keen.

Moving, don't worry, it will all look awful this morning until you're over your alcohol come down. Then (and sorry if this seems insensitive), your night last night will look as funny to you as it does to me now! Who cares what Mr Workaholic thinks? He only cares about his work, anyway.

Western, your optician sounds like a nice man, but if I were in your shoes, I'd be working out how well I really did know him before telling him I'd been in an abusive relationship. I am super-cautious about that sort of thing though, as abusers like to get attached to people who've been in that sort of relationship before, as it labels you as susceptible. I don't mean you shouldn't tell him about any practical issues related to being in hiding that might impact on your relationship with him, but I'd maybe just hold back on the reasons. That said, you're probably a much better judge of people than I am, so may not need to be so cautious.

I'm fed up with looking for a man. I know some lovely, lovely men. Some of my best friends are men, and most of my female friends are married to lovely men. So I know there are lovely men out there. However, I have been single for well over a year now, I'm sociable and outgoing, I put myself out there, and do you know how many new single men of around my age I've met, outside of OD, in that time? None. Not one. Pah.

Watch, have a fab date. The pirate does sound keen, and he also gave you a lovely birthday present, didn't he?

yes, yes he did. have heard from him this morning too....

I also meet NO men in rl. EVER. in 4 years. Im outgoing, chatty, friendly etc... i have a busy life. i do stuff. No rl interest. IN 4 YEARS. i must admit it rather baffles me when i see on threads on MN how women go out and get hounded by men... that just never happenes to me... and im not unattractive...

I think the thing with OD is not to see it as looking for a man, and certainly dont expect it to bring you one, but that its a fun thing to do sometimes...

actually - going to have a rant at the ' get a hobby'advice.
It seems standard that it is trotted out to single mothers.

These are people who are doing the parenting of TWO people, on their own, practically and emotionally. Who are working, and looking after a house on their own. Who have (typically) less disposable income to afford babysitters.

And yet the advice is to regulary go out in a evening, somethng that is almost quite impossible. ( if your child is under 14)

Ive wanted to go to a photography club for 3 years. I havent been able to go. Firstly no family member nor friend wants to babysit for free, regulary ( they all work and have their own busy lifes) i cant afford sitters. I work and with DD, 6, and home work and housework etc, im pretty much dead by 8 pm anyway. Practically, right now, its just not going to happen. And thats how it is for lots of people... its quite patronising to lone parents to suggest it i think.

besides, who would give that advice to a married woman.. they wouldnt, because they would know all that she is doing, even with the support of her husband......

watch I could hug you for your post and your kind comments. thank you :) It definitely is just fedup'ness with the whole thing. Honestly, if the boy had said 'Sponge, I think you're amazing, I've fancied you for ages, let's go out' I'd probably have been anyway and said I wasn't sure, due to work issues etc. It would have been nice to have some interest which lasted longer than one night.

As it was he just said he wanted to clear the air and make it less awkward between us as we work in the same office, etc. I said it was fine and didn't feel awkward (it obviously does but I thought I should reassure him and say it doesn't!), he said he was glad, and that was about that. Really he could have just said it by email. But anyway, today is another day etc!

Hope you have a fab date with the pirate. Make sure you report back to us later

Moving I agree with fayster, why care what mrworkaholic thinks? IIRC, didn't he mess you around, was too busy to make time for you etc? It's his loss in that case. Don't feel bad for telling him.

fayster I do meet men in RL, but I wouldn't say any of them are really any better or more suitable than those I've met OD. This year for example, there was one I met who seemed nice but then stood me up with the most pathetic excuse, and never contacted me again, MrJubilee (I met at a friends jubilee party) who is a coke user and not really the sort of person I should date, and of course the boy from my office who is (almost) half my age. I don't know what the answer is, or even if there is one. Sorry not much help I know! But at least you know you're not alone :)

Watch I so agree re hobbies.

I admit I am a boring cow who has no hobbies - unless you count shopping or stalking people on the internet but the thing is, being the person I am never stopped me meeting a man in the past. It never mattered to the Evil Ex, nor the lovely one, nor any of the men before them. So it's not like you HAVE to have 1001 interests to snare a man.

Also you've got to consider children in this even if there is something you want to do, mine are old enough now not to need a babysitter for a couple of hours in the eve BUT by the same token on weekdays I leave at 7ish in the morning when the boys are just getting up. I get home at 7ish in the evening. If I then go out for a couple of hours I literally wouldn't see them at all, plus I'd be bloody exhausted. Most evenings I come in, cook dinner and flop on the sofa!

:)
Sponge, its the whole ' what, AGAIN' thing, isnt it. It is nuts, especially when its people who you know you wouldnt actually date..... ( and ive had a ton of them) Mr epic sex i fancied the pants off, we had, epic sink breaking sex. We did so again - off my instigation, two weeks later. I offered him a fwb thing. he said yes, but then i never heard from him again. He would have been awful to date, he was an 18 year old in a 30 somethings body. But it was still shit that he didnt even want sex with me, i was left thinking ' WTF!!'
Being left thinking WTF once or twice is ok, its dealable with, but when its constantly for years.... whole different ball game.

I think that crap advice from well meaning people, then compounds it all. because its easier to blame you for not trying hard enough or smiling enough or insert whatever banal thing enough... because then its your fault, and not anything that might happen to them, and if if did they would just smile in waitrose and BANG they would be married a year later.....

plus, what sort of parent would you be if you did that, i bet a ton of judgy pants would be hoiked up for you putting your love life before your children. ( when you are working all those hours)

You dont have to have 1001 interests. i have 1001 interests, and bloody outdoorsy, active ones, where you would think there would be a TON of men. Nope..... that tatic hasnt worked in 4 years.

I know, I get enough grief from other people about the hours I am out of the house as it is...my colleague (the one who likes to tell me I need to 'get out there' more ) has also asked HOW do I manage with my job and DC, wouldn't I find it so much easier with a man to help me...

then my other 2 colleagues (who are classic slightly embittered spinster ladies in their late 40s/early 50s, never been married, multiple cat owners) have started treating me as one of them, which doesn't fill me with joy either!

hahahaha, see!!! their advice flys in the face of the other things they say!!! thus showing its a load of bull AND you cant win. Its just bollocks :)

you wont be a member of the mad cat lady club. promise. Though maybe they may be less annoying than your other colleague!!!

Anyway, its not so bad, i had an email this week from an old friend. Shes got 3 children, one under 2. They nearly split up 2 years ago, but he wanted to give it another go, and she took him back... ( because noone really wants to be a single parent) you know what he was doing, and what shes found out hes doing again - fucking escorts..... in his lunch hour.... the poor girl. She is distraught.
I would far rather be single forever, than to even deal with that shit.
and i know you would too.

Yes mr workaholic treated me like crap! So tough I guess! But I just don't really like people to think bad of me! Oh well!!

Mr wealthy sent me this about an hour ago

Heyyyyy wat u mean Hun ? Sorry I finished work and went for drinks with peeps and got a big messy lol

This is in response to me texting him last night after a bottle of wine saying your rude!!

Well I'm not going to reply!!