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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am pregnant, we both want different things, I'm desperate

129 replies

UhhOhhh · 26/09/2012 10:38

Don't really know where to start, but here goes.

We have 2 dds, 8 and 2. A year and a half ago I got pg and as DD2 was really young, and we were were not ready financially, didn't have the room and loads of other reasons I had a termination. I found this really hard, it took me a long time to 'get over' it. But I accepted it, realised how lucky I was to have 2 DDs, we were moving on and happy.

Now despite religiously taking my pill I found out yesterday that I'm pg again. I can't believe this has happened. My partner is saying that I should have another termination. He said that if I went ahead with this pg that he would leave as he couldn't handle it. He only said this in anger and has since said that he didn't mean it but that having this baby would be the downfall of our relationship. He doesn't see how we would cope financially and the fact that it would mean having the baby in with us or 3 children sharing 1 room. We can't afford to move. We couldn't afford holidays and extra things for our DDs, like activitys etc. He thinks that we would struggle so much that the pressure on our relationship would be too much. He wants us to have a good life and he thinks this baby would put everything on hold. To say he is dead against it is an understatement.

But, although I can understand all his reasons, there's this feeling that I really want this baby. I love being pg, love birth and have always wanted 3 children. I think that it would be a struggle but surely worth it? I'm not getting any younger and this may be my last chance. I think about how I struggled with the last termination and don't know if I could cope with it again. I just have such a yearning for this baby. But I don't want to bring this child up with a father that will resent it, and I don't want my relationship to break up and end up alone with 3 kids. I don't want my existing children to suffer.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

Thumbwitch · 27/09/2012 15:37

olgaga - I don't suppose it would make a whole lot of difference since he's already fathered her other 2 DDs. If the OP doesn't want to get rid of this baby, and her OH decides to leave, then he'll still have to come back to see the other 2 girls anyway (Unless he turns into a complete cunt, of course) - so she'd never be free of him.

OneMoreChap · 27/09/2012 15:39

olgaga Thu 27-Sep-12 15:20:24
All I am asking is whether OP has thought about whether she wants to proceed with her another pregnancy in the light of her partner's abusive and disrespectful attitude. It's a perfectly valid issue to consider, in addition to the material/financial aspects.

Quite right in all respects.
If she decides to proceed, he'll still - rightly - have an obligations to support all 3 kids. She needs to decide if she wants the tosser in her life.

expatinscotland · 27/09/2012 15:41

A Thing puts it perfectly. No one should be bullied into having a termination she doesn't want.

Lueji · 27/09/2012 15:57

So Olgaga

The OP's problem is that she wants to keep the baby and you ask if she wants to have the baby with this man?
Where would that leave her?
Or do you mean if she wants to have the man around in the future?

Having a termination because he is a twat and wants to force a termination is, at best, silly.

Lueji · 27/09/2012 16:01

She is only in two minds whether to have the baby and lose the husband or keep the husband and lose the baby.

The problem here is the husband, not the baby.

And getting a vasectomy on time would be his problem. Because he won't get one, even if he promises to, I bet.

Original poster

UhhOhhh · 27/09/2012 18:59

Well I told him that I'm keeping this baby. He can try to bully me all he likes, my mind is made up. He can't force me. He's agreed to a vasectomy in any case. And he said he should have had one after DD2.

He's said that he can't/won't accept it. It's not fair (yes he actually said that). He's going to have a life time of shit now. Now he's walked out again.

OP posts:

Redknickerswillstoptrains · 27/09/2012 19:15

Well done for standing up to him,if his life is going to be so "shit" let the "manchild" go,he does not sound like a great loss anyway.How could he use so much emotional blackmail to get what he wants is beyond me,you can do this,you have taken the first step ,keep strong.xxx

Malificence · 27/09/2012 19:15

I gave my opinion when I thought your husband was a decent and loving husband and father, he's shown his true colours now though, I'm so sorry you are having to go through this, it may not be "fair" but that's life , I hope he will realise how awful he's being and step up to the mark.

olgaga · 27/09/2012 19:28

She is only in two minds whether to have the baby and lose the husband or keep the husband and lose the baby.

Well that wasn't the case further up the thread when OP said this:

I don't want to go through that again. But I will if it means giving my DD's a better life. But surely they need a happy healthy mother more than material things. I just go round and round in circles in my head.

She was clearly thinking about the financial/material aspects too - as any sensible person would!

I actually don't think the material aspects are as important as tying herself for longer than necessary to a man who clearly isn't committed to their relationship. Yes she already has two children with him. He doesn't want any more, and has even said he doesn't want any more with her. That would be enough to put me right off.

However, I accept that's just my view.

DisorderlyNights · 27/09/2012 19:30

I too hope he will come to terms with this and become supportive.

But either way, you are clearly a brilliant Mum to your two (soon to be three) children.

Lueji · 27/09/2012 19:31

You need to read all of OP's posts.

AThingInYourLife · 27/09/2012 19:37

Congratulations UhhOhhh :)

(and bloody well done)

Lueji · 27/09/2012 19:45

Wishing you all the best UhhOhhh and your pregnancy.

And that your OH does come around.

CaptainVonTrapp · 27/09/2012 19:58

Who cares what other people think? What is he 13?

Not fair is that you should have to deal with him and his attitude in addition to an unexpected pregnancy, or have an abortion that you don't want.

Good Luck.

expatinscotland · 27/09/2012 20:10

'He's going to have a life time of shit now.'

That's entirely his choice, and awfully rich of him after he said he didn't want a vasectomy as it would ruin his chances of having a child with another partner.

Emotional blackmail at its finest. If he wanted it, he should have gone and done it, especially after the first termination.

He won't have one, I'll bet London to a brick, it was just a gambit thrown out to try to get his way.

solidgoldbrass · 27/09/2012 20:14

The best thing you can do for yourself and DDs is get rid of this man. He is clearly selfish and bullying and nasty. I wouldn't be too surprised if he isn't psychologically abusive anyway.

Don't waste your time and energy fretting about where he is now he's flounced out again. Start doing your research into the practicalities - do you have a mortgage or do you rent? Are you married to him? Whose name is the home in?

When he reappears, be ready to sit him down and say 'Right, the relationship is over. This is what's going to happen about the house and this is how much maintenance you're paying me.'

This man has clearly demonstrated that he cares about himself far more than you and the children you already have, and that he wants everything his own way or he will threaten to leave - the only thing to say to a man like that is 'Bye, then.' Unfortunately he may become aggressive when this threat fails to work; he will be expecting you to have booked a termination and be begging him to stay with you. Don't do it, just tell him to fuck off because you are bored with his selfishness.

Jux · 27/09/2012 20:15

Oh my goodness, is he a grown up or a child? Tell him to act his age - unless he is only 5, of course.

lydiamama · 27/09/2012 20:28

Going for a second termination does not seem to be the way to go forward, you will feel more than double the pain, it is gonna affect you phsycologically, and therefore your family and your relationship. You will resent him for making you choose between a new baby and the life you already have for your two DD and yourself. That could destroy your life anyway, because it is a huge thing to deal with, and you may fail.
On the other hand, his feelings are understandable to be honest, it is something unexpected and not desired, so if I were you I would allow him a longer time to come to terms with the idea, he is shocked. If he gets over his initial fears, you will have a way forward, if he does not then he will have to take any action.

I think you have to worry about yourself here and your two DD. Only if you think/feel you want to have a termination, then do it. But if you do not want, just do not. Concentrate on yourself.

It is sad that it was unplanned, but having a child it is a risk of a sexual relationship, we are adults, and we have to understand and deal with it. First thing he has to do if he does not want more kids, is the snip. If he has it done, chances of this happening again, especially if you take contraception too.

Good luck lovely

MysteriousHamster · 27/09/2012 21:21

You might've had a life of shit if you'd terminated!

Anyway I just want to say congratulations on your pregnancy, OP and I hope you can find a way to feel a bit excited.

olgaga · 27/09/2012 21:26

I think you have to worry about yourself here and your two DD. Only if you think/feel you want to have a termination, then do it. But if you do not want, just do not. Concentrate on yourself.

Good advice. No-one is entitled to force you at this stage in your pregnancy to have a baby - or a termination.

Safire · 27/09/2012 23:57

OP all I can say is that I think you are being very strong and brave and I am rooting for you for the best possible outcome in all this. I do hope you have some RL support so you're not having to go through all this alone.

xmasevebundle · 28/09/2012 01:11

My exp said to me, its the relationship or the baby?

So i think you know how that one ended!

Im 28w pg with my first and ive lost out on alot of things but, love is more than money right?

Thumbwitch · 28/09/2012 13:17

OP, I'm glad you've made a decision. Now I hope your partner sorts himself out and stops behaving like a spoilt brat - but if he doesn't, then letting him go might be your best option long-term.

You don't want to bring 3 DC up with someone who resents at least one of them for "turning his life to shit"

ClippedPhoenix · 28/09/2012 13:41

OP, you're last post has put a huge smile on my face.

I take my hat off to you OP.

olgaga · 28/09/2012 14:38

Congratulations OP!

Have I misread your posts? At "28 weeks" you weren't able to have a termination anyway. Also I thought this was your third, not your first?

Anyway, best of luck. I imagine life will be a lot easier in many ways for you without him wearing you down.

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