Am pregnant, we both want different things, I'm desperate

[UhhOhhh]

Don't really know where to start, but here goes.

We have 2 dds, 8 and 2. A year and a half ago I got pg and as DD2 was really young, and we were were not ready financially, didn't have the room and loads of other reasons I had a termination. I found this really hard, it took me a long time to 'get over' it. But I accepted it, realised how lucky I was to have 2 DDs, we were moving on and happy.

Now despite religiously taking my pill I found out yesterday that I'm pg again. I can't believe this has happened. My partner is saying that I should have another termination. He said that if I went ahead with this pg that he would leave as he couldn't handle it. He only said this in anger and has since said that he didn't mean it but that having this baby would be the downfall of our relationship. He doesn't see how we would cope financially and the fact that it would mean having the baby in with us or 3 children sharing 1 room. We can't afford to move. We couldn't afford holidays and extra things for our DDs, like activitys etc. He thinks that we would struggle so much that the pressure on our relationship would be too much. He wants us to have a good life and he thinks this baby would put everything on hold. To say he is dead against it is an understatement.

But, although I can understand all his reasons, there's this feeling that I really want this baby. I love being pg, love birth and have always wanted 3 children. I think that it would be a struggle but surely worth it? I'm not getting any younger and this may be my last chance. I think about how I struggled with the last termination and don't know if I could cope with it again. I just have such a yearning for this baby. But I don't want to bring this child up with a father that will resent it, and I don't want my relationship to break up and end up alone with 3 kids. I don't want my existing children to suffer.

I don't know what to do.

You agree with him, but do you really?
How much of the threat hangs over your head?

If he said "your decision and I'll stand by it" what would you actually decide?

Would you really end up in poverty?
Children and adults ate not happy because of things or holidays or whatever, but in having people that love them.

Most people regret having a termination, but not having a child. Even if things get difficult.

And what that choice means? Or just "yea" go for it he is an arse, your better off with out, it will all be fine".

If your kind of support is based sympathy then fine, mine is not.

He said, he wants, he thinks.

And yet the bottom line is that you don't want another termination. So don't have one and don't be bullied into having one.

Because he sounds a bit of a nob, tbh.

Disorderly, since we are clearly arguing or at least debating energetically, on someone elses thread I am going to withdraw and respect the OP and not take away from her the support she needs.

So he took no responsibility for contraception and is now trying to bully you into having a termination? It sounds like he will always put his needs first, so you need to prioritise your own needs, and if that means refusing to bear the scars of another termination, so be it. If he was so against another baby, he would have taken control of his own contraception.

Good luck x

He wants us to have a good life and he thinks this baby would put everything on hold

This says it all.
A child is not something you throw away like a broken tv.

Children can be happy with 3 in a room.
Children can be happy without holidays or extra activities.
Chances are that the first years will be difficult but things may well get better and you both are likely to earn more, get a promotion, etc

Conversely who is to know how things will develop?
What if you get a serious disease? Will he also drop you?
What if he gets one and can't work?
What if one of your children beam ill and you can't afford that good life anymore?
Will those people be thrown away too?

Nothing is ever definitive.

How do you feel this morning UhhOhhh?

Good grief OP, I hate to say it but with his attitude it sounds as though your relationship is doomed anyway. Seriously - not wanting a third child with you but but refusing to have a vasectomy in case he wants to have a child with another partner?!

It sounds as though he is looking for an excuse to leave anyway, so even if you had a termination you need to be prepared for that. How would you feel if you had an abortion then he left anyway and started a family with someone else?

I think the only decision you have to make is whether you want to be poor with two children or even poorer with three - whether you are still with him or not.

I've never thought that wanting a child is a good enough reason to have one - if you can't afford it, then you shouldn't have it. And don't believe all this rubbish about 'love will find the money' - if loving your kids was enough to get loads of money, Peter Andre would be the next Bill Gates.

They can afford it, it's not like the child will be born homeless and starving.

She had a termination she appears to still harbour some regret about, and doesn't want another. So she used contraception and still became pregnant.

It happens.

Read the OP - the 4 of them are in a 2 bedroom property at the moment, and can't afford to move. A new baby would mean that all luxuries are gone, and probably a few necessities too. OP's hormones are screaming 'have this baby, have this baby!', and if she was in a better position, go for it. But she already has 2 children she should be considering, and she should give some weight to her partners concerns that this will negatively affect their quality of life, and probably their relationship.

'Read the OP - the 4 of them are in a 2 bedroom property at the moment, and can't afford to move.'

I've read the OP. And? 4 in a 2bed property, hardly the end of the world with a baby.

Luxuries? You don't need those.

If you read the OP and the OP's other posts, you see she had emotional damage from the last termination and she does not want another one.

Her emotional well-being is as vital as money.

Your story is very like mine 4 years ago. On the pill, 2 dcs, only temporary work, renting house, and then I found out I was pregnant. And then our landlord told us he was selling the house so we needed to move, and quickly!

DH and I discussed termination (but like you I had always imagined 3 DCs and didn't think I could cope with my feelings if terminated). DH was quite angry about the situation, but we decided to carry on with pregnancy.

So, we moved into a 2 bed flat and managed with 2 bedrooms fine. We are now in a 3 bed house. We have been rather skint.

However, dc3 completed our family and made other dcs so happy too. I can't imagine life without her and whilst financially times have been quite hard, I wouldn't change anything.

I hope this helps. It is not easy, but it is possible that a third dc will make sense.

The OP says she got over the termination. It took a long time, but "I accepted it, realised how lucky I was to have 2 DDs, we were moving on and happy".

Her emotional well-being is important, as is her partner's, as are their children's. Personally, I think that parents sometimes have to sacrifice parts of themselves for each other/their children, and in this situation, I think OP should pass on having a third child, even though she wants it and it might be her last chance, so that their pre-existing children can have some comfort, rather than the bare minimum. But I can see that it's subjective.

So this man who was so dead against having another child didn't manage to use condoms and is now strropping at you and using emotional blackmail to force you to do as he wants, just because he impregnated you?

Does he do this sort of thing often?

She doesn't want another termination, eccle. Doesn't want to go through that again. And her other children may well appreciate another sibling.

Her partner sounds like a complete nob, too.

I was always told that 'I want doesn't get'. If there are good reasons not to have the baby, she should consider them. If she still doesn't want to terminate, good for her, have the baby. I'm just reacting against the vibe on this thread that the only factor is whether she wants the baby. It's a factor, sure, but blinkering oneself isn't good for anyone.

I don't think her partner sounds like a nob at all. He said he would consider a third child when they were able to move somewhere bigger? What a BASTARD.

'I don't think her partner sounds like a nob at all. He said he would consider a third child when they were able to move somewhere bigger? What a BASTARD.'

Oh, he said a lot more than that! Contraception and its failures are apparently all her responsibility, too.

Plenty of families have 3 kids in a 2 bed home. It's not a deal breaker. And there are benefits of a new baby to the older siblings; my sisters are my best friends. And being a large family in a small house where we learned to work as a team and support each others attempts to get on in life was a brilliant upbringing.

OP's DC won't be living in a cardboard box because she's having a third baby.

I have to agree with ecclesvet.

There's a massive difference between merely existing and surviving on just enough to get by and actually living. I'd rather my kids lived their lives instead of just existing and living day to day because every penny was accounted for with no spare money to join in the odd activity or day out to the beach.

I don't believe love will get anybody by, the days of make do and mend are pretty much over. 5 years ago I'd have been able to consider a third, not now, the financial pressure would be unbearable.

I think your partner sounds very unsupportive and is clearly struggling with the potential changes to your family. This has only just happened. There is no rush to make a decision today. Hopefully over the next few days you'll both have got your head around things more and be able to look at things rationally. Children dont need much in the way of practical things and fancy holidays. I certainly didn't have that growing up and it didn't do me any harm! Remember too this is not a hypothetical discussion. This child has already been created. Should their needs not get a look in too?

Eccles, I might agree with you about 'passing on a third child' if the OP was talking about trying to become pregnant, but this baby already exists. There's a world of difference between deciding not to have another child and actually having a termination, in terms of how it affects you.

OP, I grew up really poor and it's not great but it's not the worst thing in the world either. And I like the fact that because of that upbringing, I'm very frugal as an adult, don't care about luxuries or making lots of money or whatever. I now have my own family on a low income, I like to think we are still happy.

I think you should take some time. The best advice really is not to rush into any decision.

"I want doesn't get?" Seriously? You do realise that this is a pregnant woman we are talking about here, not a fucking second biscuit?

How many of you have ever been pregnant unexpectedly and in very difficult circumstances? I haven't but I hope I have enough empathy to see that there is more to the decision than how many beach trips your children might lose out on. An abortion is often a difficult thing for someone to go through. A second abortion when someone actually wants to keep the baby is going to be very hard. Maybe too hard. I think we should respect the OP's right to decide that for herself. It doesn't matter what any of us would do in the circumstances, keep it or not. The OP is the only one who is going to be living with the consequences either way.

I apologise for swearing.

When DS was conceived we had just bought a 1 bed flat (convinced we wouldn't have babies, after two years trying).
He slept in our room until we moved to a bigger property, almost 3 years after he was born.

It was not the end of the world.