Am pregnant, we both want different things, I'm desperate

[UhhOhhh]

Don't really know where to start, but here goes.

We have 2 dds, 8 and 2. A year and a half ago I got pg and as DD2 was really young, and we were were not ready financially, didn't have the room and loads of other reasons I had a termination. I found this really hard, it took me a long time to 'get over' it. But I accepted it, realised how lucky I was to have 2 DDs, we were moving on and happy.

Now despite religiously taking my pill I found out yesterday that I'm pg again. I can't believe this has happened. My partner is saying that I should have another termination. He said that if I went ahead with this pg that he would leave as he couldn't handle it. He only said this in anger and has since said that he didn't mean it but that having this baby would be the downfall of our relationship. He doesn't see how we would cope financially and the fact that it would mean having the baby in with us or 3 children sharing 1 room. We can't afford to move. We couldn't afford holidays and extra things for our DDs, like activitys etc. He thinks that we would struggle so much that the pressure on our relationship would be too much. He wants us to have a good life and he thinks this baby would put everything on hold. To say he is dead against it is an understatement.

But, although I can understand all his reasons, there's this feeling that I really want this baby. I love being pg, love birth and have always wanted 3 children. I think that it would be a struggle but surely worth it? I'm not getting any younger and this may be my last chance. I think about how I struggled with the last termination and don't know if I could cope with it again. I just have such a yearning for this baby. But I don't want to bring this child up with a father that will resent it, and I don't want my relationship to break up and end up alone with 3 kids. I don't want my existing children to suffer.

I don't know what to do.

I agree with TheProvincialLady. The child has been conceived already. Multiple terminations aren't fun for anyone involved.

I guess it's the area I live in, but I know plenty of people in 1- and 2-bed properties with children. I am pregnant and we're in a 1-bed, can't afford to move for at least a year. Baby will sleep in our room as is recommended anyway. Big deal.

3 children in a 2-bed is a bit tight but I know people who are doing it here due to cost of housing. You have to be organised, but it works until the time when you can move.

I had an unexpected 3rd child,for a split second I considered my options,but we now have another healthy son,we live in a two bedroom house and it's a squeeze but we manage.Don't make the decision to please this man who is clearly looking for a way out.xxx

So if he's even considering the possibility of being able to afford to have another child in the future with another woman then I'm sure he will be able to work out a way to afford this one.

Shocked that he has said this then gone onto say you can't afford this baby...

I also think OP that the question you need to answer for yourself is, if you had this termination to please your partner and then the relaationship broke down anyway for whatever reason, how would that make you feel?

And take it further as he himself suggested, what if your partner then moved on to have a child with someone else?

He may have said it in the heat of the moment but you have to realise that this was not a normal thing to say. Most men who love you and are committed to you would not let such things come out of their mouth knowing how it would sting you. No matter the provocation they would not want to hurt you so badly.

I think whatever decision you take MUST put you first. Your children will suffer most greatly from having an emotionally unwell mother, and no amount of material benefits will make up for this.

How are you doing today?

I think you should keep the baby.

You wanted a third child. You don't want another termination.

Your relationship is likely to take a hit over this no matter which way you go - one of you will resent the other :( It's just as likely to go arse up if you have the termination, so don't lose the baby to keep the man, which you might lose anyway?!

If he was so adamant he didn't want more children he should have been more proactive in preventing it, either with a vasectomy or condoms.

... and frankly, a man who isn't prepared to have a vasectomy in case he wants more children with someone else later, wouldn't be in this position if he was with me because I'd have told him to 'get lost' at that stage. Git.

Don't want the termination?

Don't have one, your body - your choice.

Some men are ridiculously resistant to vasectomies, but that means they have to share the consequences of any contraceptive failure (yes, even vasectomies fail). It will be his child, as are the previous 2, so he will have to support all of them.

If he's so cross about it, he may leave, which will be his choice, and up to him. What happens with the house depends on your marital status and whether you own or rent, I think.

Sounds like this will be hard to get past for you,so good luck with whatever happens.

Also, he can always leave and move out, but in all likelihood he'll become worse off financially anyway.
And with an extra child to support too.

So, all in all, he'll be better off supporting that child at home. :)

He came home eventually last night. Went to work early this morning and I haven't spoken to him today yet.

If he were to say to me 'make your decision I'll stand by you' then I would have this baby. I'd even let myself be a bit excited. He's insisting that where we live isn't big enough. He says he doesn't want to be 'one of those families' that people look down on. So basically he cares more what people think than my suffering.

I'm really wrestling with what's best for my DD's. I remember being in the clinic last time, crying my eyes out, begging him not to go through with it. He convinced me it was for the best. It was hard, I was so upset for so long, still feel sad about it now. But really I did it for my DD's. So maybe I can do it again. No matter how much I want this baby maybe I have a responsibility to my children to put them first.

I don't know, maybe he'll leave me anyway. I've never doubted his love before. I just want him to show me the tiniest bit of kindness, I feel so alone.

Did the Dr's see the state you were in last time? I'm surprised at the counsellor thinking you were suitable to receive a termination, tbh.

Your DH is bullying you. Is he controlling in other ways?

And do you have someone else in RL to talk to about this? You need some perspective.

I'm so sorry OP

I don't think you should put yourself through this again. I know, I've been there myself, I can't even imagine how horrible it would be for you.

Yes you have a responsibility to your DDs but would another baby force them onto the street, ruin their lives? Not having holidays is not the worst thing in the world.

This is about your husband not being willing to deal with it, I'm sure your DDs would cope.

He's bullying you. What is best for your DDs is what is best for you, too. He left all the contraception to you, including the emotional brunt if it fails. When things don't go his way, he uses emotional manipulation and blackmail.

What Expat just said OP. How awful for you

I think you need to think about life without your other half.

If he leaves, will you be able to give your children what you would hope to, if there are two of them, if there are three of them? Could you cope?

He does sound like a bit of a knob, saying what he said about a vasectomy.

I was crying during the scanning bit and then they put me in a room by myself with OH, that's when I was really upset begging him. They left me there for an hour by which time I had calmed down. I didn't receive any counselling, I was offered it by telephone beforehand but refused, I just wanted to get through it as quickly as possible. My mistake possibly.

I don't want to go through that again. But I will if it means giving my DD's a better life. But surely they need a happy healthy mother more than material things. I just go round and round in circles in my head.

OP, I had a third (unexpected) pregnancy after agreeing to just two children. My case was different in that at no point did my DH suggest a termination. But like you finances were tight. Yes holidays and other things did get put on hold for a few years, but I have never regretted having my third baby. He has enriched the lives of my older DC (then aged 4 and 7), as they adore their little brother. My eldest, particularly, was more excited about the pregnancy than I was! So having a sibling could well be a wonderful thing for your DDs.

Your DH is being very unsupportive at a time when you need support. How supportive was he after your termination or did he just treat it as a problem that was resolved and soon forgotten about? The way he's behaving at the moment (threatening to leave, no talking to you etc.) sounds like he's already trying to browbeat you into doing what he wants.

Please take your time over this and make a decision that is right for you. Do you have any real life support? Your DDs will adapt to whatever that decision is.

I'm not sure you've entirely "got over" the last termination. You may well have come to terms with it and so on, but it sounds like it was a pretty traumatic experience to go through that time; if you do it again, you may find all the feelings from the last time come back and then some. You may not, of course.

It's not like you set out to have a 3rd baby. It's not like you're trying to get pregnant, knowing that you can't afford it. It's already happened, it was an accident - and it's the second time it's happened.

I don't know how much you feel you get love and support from your OH in general but he is really bullying you into a decision that you don't want to make here - that's not loving and supportive.

No one on here can tell you what to do - only you can decide that for yourself - but please please get some counselling for it beforehand this time.

Gosh OP, that's horrible about the situation at your previous termination. It certainly sounds like your DH is being an abusive bully. He definitely doesn't care about your feelings.

I'd like to see someone try and look down on us for living in a small house with a DC! I can't imagine people care that much! (But then we're in London where it's crowded...)

Can you get your GP on side privately? I'd try and make a secret appointment to discuss this. Why should your DH be there for the scan if he's going to bully you and not listen to you?

I know it sounds terrible facing life on your own but I honestly think you'd be better off without him. He sounds absolutely toxic.

OP, may I ask if you work? I just wondered whether you might not, with a 2 year old. Might it be possible for you to work, or work more hours, or even a small number of anti-social but well paid hours, so that the baby becomes more affordable?

Your DP is being an arse. Quite aside from all the other reasons, that others have articulated so well, your financial situation will almost certainly improve when your youngest (whether the 2 year old or your new one) starts school. The pinch won't last forever.

And - tell him - he'll be worse off supporting two children in two households than three children in one.

It's an impossible question, whether your DD would be better off. It's measuring material things against abstract things, like happiness and love, not just yours but the love they would feel for their sibling.

If all child decisions were based on making things optimal for existing children, no one would ever have more than one child -- even with having two children, your first will have to give up a bit of attention and space.

I think it's awful for your DH to insist on the path that has the least impact on him, even though it would be extremely traumatic for you.

I just want him to show me the tiniest bit of kindness, I feel so alone.

I do understand how much you want another baby - but are you sure you want another baby with him?

It sounds as though he doesn't love or respect you or your wishes at all.

I still can't get over him refusing to have a vasectomy in case he meets someone else!

The choice here is between continuing with your pregnancy or going through with a termination that no ethical doctor would sign off on.

You are still traumatised by your last termination and want to stay pregnant.

The option to terminate doesn't exist to make life easier for men who don't want babies.

He is doing that most ugly thing that women are often falsely accused of doing - he is using termination as an alternative to contraception.

He wants you to get rid of this baby so he can keep his options open to have babies in the future with other women.

It is truly appalling that he is not just asking this of you, but insisting and bullying and using your existing daughters to make up bullshit reasons why you should end your pregnancy.

I have had a termination I have never regretted for a second, but a termination is not nothing.

It is really chilling and upsetting that he saw you in tears in the clinic and bullied you into a termination you did not want. That he is happy to put you through it again is monstrous.

Please get help from someone in real life who can support you.

The man you live with is not on your side.

OP please don't buy into this idea that this termination might be best for your DDs and therefore you must go through it even though the last one sounds like it was a terrible experience for you. Your emotional wellbeing is what matters most for them.

My mum was unhappy and depressed for various reasons through my childhood and late teens. My memories of my childhood are blighted by her sadness and way she chose to deal with it which had a really negative impact on me and my sister. I would advise any friend of mine to take care of her emotional health precisely because that is what will affect your children more than any holidays etc.

Can you get some counseling before you take any final decisions? It's really not on for your P to force you into this.

Olgaga, the baby is already there!

TBH, it seems like a form of abuse.
You keep getting pregnant and having terminations against your will, where you beg him to have the baby.
He doesn't love you if he can see you go through that trauma and insist on it, and still not get a vasectomy, in case he splits from you, and still insist and threaten to leave a second time. Goodness!

IMO, you should tell him that you ARE having the baby and if he doesn't want the baby, then he can leave.
He can then be one of those men people look down on for having left his wife with 2 DDs and an unborn child.

FWIW, we didn't have many material things when growing up. Not poor, but always felt money was tight.
My little brother was an accident and I'd hate to think that my parents got rid of him so that I could go on holidays.
He is a wonderful brother, husband and father.
And also a dedicated surgeon, who is helping lots of people have better lives.

Things can get better as well as worse during our lives. It's not because there is one more child or not.

Finally, whatever happens, and if you stay with this man, insist on him getting the snip.
In fact, if you decide on a termination, do tell him that it is on the condition that he has a vasectomy first.
And if he stays and you have the baby, that you will not have any more terminations unless he has it done, or at least uses condoms in addition to you using the pill.

I agree with every word that AThing has said.

Olgaga, the baby is already there!

No the baby is not "already there". She found out she is pregnant yesterday!

I don't think saying "the baby is already there" is very helpful comment when the OP has herself stated that she is in two minds about whether or not to proceed.

Even you acknowledge the OP may "decide on a termination".

It's nonsense to make her termination conditional upon a vasectomy - even if he agreed (unlikely) it may not be possible to arrange one in time - and she may still want to have the baby!

All I am asking is whether OP has thought about whether she wants to proceed with her another pregnancy in the light of her partner's abusive and disrespectful attitude. It's a perfectly valid issue to consider, in addition to the material/financial aspects.