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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am pregnant, we both want different things, I'm desperate

129 replies

UhhOhhh · 26/09/2012 10:38

Don't really know where to start, but here goes.

We have 2 dds, 8 and 2. A year and a half ago I got pg and as DD2 was really young, and we were were not ready financially, didn't have the room and loads of other reasons I had a termination. I found this really hard, it took me a long time to 'get over' it. But I accepted it, realised how lucky I was to have 2 DDs, we were moving on and happy.

Now despite religiously taking my pill I found out yesterday that I'm pg again. I can't believe this has happened. My partner is saying that I should have another termination. He said that if I went ahead with this pg that he would leave as he couldn't handle it. He only said this in anger and has since said that he didn't mean it but that having this baby would be the downfall of our relationship. He doesn't see how we would cope financially and the fact that it would mean having the baby in with us or 3 children sharing 1 room. We can't afford to move. We couldn't afford holidays and extra things for our DDs, like activitys etc. He thinks that we would struggle so much that the pressure on our relationship would be too much. He wants us to have a good life and he thinks this baby would put everything on hold. To say he is dead against it is an understatement.

But, although I can understand all his reasons, there's this feeling that I really want this baby. I love being pg, love birth and have always wanted 3 children. I think that it would be a struggle but surely worth it? I'm not getting any younger and this may be my last chance. I think about how I struggled with the last termination and don't know if I could cope with it again. I just have such a yearning for this baby. But I don't want to bring this child up with a father that will resent it, and I don't want my relationship to break up and end up alone with 3 kids. I don't want my existing children to suffer.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

TheProvincialLady · 26/09/2012 13:20

You don't need a crystal ball. You are already pregnant with a baby you don't want to abort. That is happening right now. How your partner chooses to react to that is up to him, and hopefully his heat-of-the-moment reactions aren't a true reflection of his intention to a) leave you and b) have a baby with another girlfriend. However, even if said in anger, your partner did still say those things and it doesn't bode well for your ongoing relationship. That is why I would urge you to make your decision re the baby without considering his feelings on the matter. You may very well end up in the medium to long term having two or three children without him. How will you feel about a second abortion or a third child? YOU have to live with it either way.

ListenToYourHeart · 26/09/2012 13:29

Have you told him this is how you feel?

He's given you he's opinion on how he would feel of you kept the baby, but have you told him how it would feel for you to have another termination?

It's a decision that you both need to agree on, you can't be pushed into a termination otherwise you may end up resenting him.

He's right it may be a struggle but it could also be very rewarding and end up being worth it! Many people have 3DC's in one room correct it's not ideal but it can work.

TheProvincialLady · 26/09/2012 14:04

I disagree that it is a decision they need to agree on ListenToYourHeart. Ultimately it is the OP's body and the OP that will have to live with her feelings. The DP had the choice to decide that he was 100% certain that he did not want to create any more babies but he decided not to take that in case he wants more in the future...so he has had his say WRT his own body. But of course I agree that they need to talk more.

Original poster

UhhOhhh · 26/09/2012 22:07

Well we talked. Actually I talked and he threw a strop. Then he left.

OP posts:

DisorderlyNights · 26/09/2012 22:09

You need a hug.
(((uhh-ohhh)))

Poor you. Did he try to pressure you into a termination again?

Notcontent · 26/09/2012 22:13

OP - I hope you are ok. As have said, don't let yourself be bullied into doing something you may regret.

solidgoldbrass · 26/09/2012 22:15

Well, it sounds like you're better off without him. You are PG and have two kids to look after, you don't need to be indulging a selfish, childish man as well. Single parenthood is not so bad. And it's better than living with a man who is unsatisfactory.

Original poster

UhhOhhh · 26/09/2012 22:15

He said he's not ready for a 3rd child. I'm ruining everyone's life. I'm not thinking about the consequences. He doesn't see it as a baby. Then he just upped and left.

OP posts:

Original poster

UhhOhhh · 26/09/2012 22:16

Oh god I'm so scared

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 26/09/2012 22:22

This is awful for you. Don't be bullied into something you don't want to do. It seems as if you want this baby so I think you should go ahead and have the baby. If he was absolultely adamant that he didn't want any more children then he should have had the snip.

Hassled · 26/09/2012 22:22

If you do terminate, because he wants you to and because it's the "sensible" thing to do, can you ever see yourself being able to get past that? Maybe you could - you say you did get past the first termination, after all.

But I suspect you know that the first termination still weighs heavily on your mind and that you'd struggle to get past another. So what would that mean for your future? A lifetime of regrets and "what ifs"? Can you envisage a time in 5 years or so with no regrets about another termination? That's what you need to think about. I know it's not all about you - but really, in this moment it is all about you. It's your emotional and mental well-being we're talking about, and the impact of that on your DDs and your own future.

I have a huge amount of sympathy for you - remember you do have a bit of time here. Don't be panicked into a decision. There's a lot of thinking to do.

lemonstartree · 26/09/2012 22:31

I think you should look longer term. A 'baby' is a baby - a CHILD - toddler/schoolchild/teenager is another thing.

And consider the impact on your family. Money does not buy happiness but poverty can certainly destroy it. And try to talk with an open mind.... Its hard, but 'I'm keeping the baby' and bollocks to you doesn't really offer him much choice/voice does it? He will have to endure the 'poverty'/increased crowding/more responsibility too.....

izzyizin · 26/09/2012 22:33

Is he a dh or a dp?

His reaction to the suggestion that he has a vasectomy suggests that if you continue this pg, he may use it to sabotage your relationship but, to put it bluntly, unless he's got a particularly unfortunate way with words it doesn't sound as if he's in it for the long haul.

As a male of the species he's got the biological luxury of keeping his options open. If you were to have a termination is he prepared to take responsibility for contraception by using condoms until such time as you can no longer conceive naturally?

If it transpires that you become a single parent you will benefit from having extra space to accomodate another dc.

Original poster

UhhOhhh · 26/09/2012 22:34

I haven't been 'i'm keeping the baby and bollocks to you' at all. All I've done is listen to him and his feelings. And I agree with him that's what's making this so hard.

OP posts:

GoldPlatedNineDoors · 26/09/2012 22:39

If you terminate this baby, he could still up and leave.

Think about you. Your life. Lord knows he doesnt seem to be.

All the best for the coming weeks and months.

Leithlurker · 26/09/2012 22:48

OP no one else is going to say this so it seems like I will have to, others are caught up in the emtion of he said, she said, you get to choose, your body your rights, he should have done so and so, you could also have done so and so.

So I am going to set that all aside, and look at the other things you have pointed to in your OP. Firstly this is a choice, you have and others have said what ever you choose will mean bad things coming from it. I am afraid that you have to make a choice not just for you but for your two children as well. You do not have to choose for your husband as he will make whatever choice he makes for himself, I hope he makes the right choice no matter what but it's his.

The impact on your health may not be just from a termination, or physical. Mental health is an issue what ever happens. So is physical, you have had two children and so you know far better than any one else about what issues you might be left with. These issues on their own will be a drain on your energy and your time. If your lucky you will not have any long term issues from pregnancy and delivery no.3 But it cannot be denied a risk exists.

Financialy you already sem aware of the impact on everyone, so I am not going to go on about it, but all this stuff about "you will find a way" etc. Is coming from people who do not have to. Their lives and their experiences, are no reason to base your decision on. Your two kids will I am afraid be the ones to notice more, you know the story, they will want what they cannot have, trips and experiences will be offered that they cannot go on, in short poverty is not fun and can be a stigma in it's self. Only recently save the children where saying how children in this country were now in such poverty that they were going to start raising money for them. Many facilities like breakfast clubs etc exist, tax credits, child benefit, other benefits exists. However you will not find too many people on these benefits having holidays, buying new expensive toys, able to afford to move to a larger better house in a better area.

So yes I am sounding like your husband, I am looking at what you will have to juggle, I am saying the choice is yours and it has difficult outcomes no matter what you choose. You are a good mother we know that from all you have said, love and care will not be the issue, it will be stamina, and dogged endurance that might be the diffrence between the choice you face. I wish you all the very best.

Northernlurker · 26/09/2012 22:48

'About the vasectomy thing, I did suggest it but he said it was unfair of me to ask as what if we split up and he wanted a child with a new partner. I felt a bit upset about that'

You poor thing. So he won't have a vasectomy but it's fine for you to have multiple terminations?

Op - you have to look yourself in the face. Above all follow your heart, do what you can live with.

Lots of people have unplanned pregnancies btw. Dh and I did when we certainly couldn't afford it. He never walked away, not even for a second. Decent men, men who are in it for the long term don't walk away. They may not be cray about the idea of another baby but they stick around.

queenofthepirates · 26/09/2012 22:51

My mum used to say that if you have enough love for two children, you can stretch it to three. Love won't pay the bills but it will help motivate you to find the money somehow. Like everyone else has said, keep your baby, you obviously want this so much.

Big hugs xxx

DisorderlyNights · 26/09/2012 22:52

Leith I haven't been caught up in any emotion or he said/she said. Haven't read any of that from anyone else either TBH.

DisorderlyNights · 26/09/2012 22:56

UhhOhhh - I'm sorry your partner/husband is behaving so selfishly. Has he been controlling like this in the past?

Leithlurker · 26/09/2012 22:58

In that case Disorderly we seem to be reading diffrent threads.

lisaro · 26/09/2012 23:01

I think that it would be a struggle but surely worth it? Would it, OP? You really need to sit down and work out if it would. I think it's a fair assumption you'd be bringing three up on your own, possibly with less money than now. On the other hand you could always think 'what if'. Unfortunately there'll probably be regrets either way, whatever happens with your DP/H. You also need to think about the children you have - which decision would be best for them. You're between a rock and a hard place and I feel for you.

scarlettsmummy2 · 26/09/2012 23:02

Keep it. Your husband will love the baby once it is here.

AThingInYourLife · 26/09/2012 23:17

He's trying to bully you into a termination.

That is despicable.

And as for this:

"About the vasectomy thing, I did suggest it but he said it was unfair of me to ask as what if we split up and he wanted a child with a new partner. I felt a bit upset about that."

Don't terminate your pregnancy just to keep this guy around.

DisorderlyNights · 26/09/2012 23:24

Leith - your dismissal of everyone else's advice came over as rather patronising.

Uhh-Ohhh said right from the start that she wanted the baby. It is not emotional or he said/she said to support her right to choose. She has a D P to give all the reasons why a baby would complicate their lives. My best guess at what she needs from us is sympathy at situation with her partner, a listening ear, and to be reminded that she has the right to choose.

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