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Original poster

can't get over mother suggesting her rapist's name for my unborn child

121 replies

bitshakennamechange · 14/09/2012 18:45

It was a family member, most of the time her family plays happy families but this family member raped a few of the women in the family repeatedly when they were children
I just can't believe she would suggest it, I can't get over it I feel like I've been punched in the stomach! She listed off all variations of the name when suggesting names for my unborn DC! not just one, all variations and NNs he went by!
when I said "you cannot be serious!" she just moved on to the rest of her list

I can't let it go, I feel like she's cursed my unborn child or something

OP posts:
NameChange1209 · 14/09/2012 18:59

She hasn't cursed your child

I can see why you would be upset but you need to either have a calm discussion with your mum about why she thought it would be a good idea & why you were upset, or let other go & concentrate on enjoying your pregnancy.

gimmecakeandcandy · 14/09/2012 19:02

That's horrible, you must ask her why she would even suggest his name - very odd x

Original poster
bitshakennamechange · 14/09/2012 19:05

when I said "you cannot be serious, are you serious?" she brushed it off, and continued with variations of it then on to other names!

it feels horrible, you don't want anything bad associated with your unborn child in any way

OP posts:
Original poster
bitshakennamechange · 14/09/2012 19:08

and as well as NNs he went by two different christian names which aren't variations of each other (as is sometimes common in older generations.. like sometimes using middle names or just taking on a random different one IYKWIM) and she listed them BOTH together!

OP posts:
phoenixrose314 · 14/09/2012 19:14

Your mother is clearly trying to repress what happened and paint over it - maybe she sees your baby as a way to start afresh, a whole new start. She may not be thinking clearly, victims of that kind of abuse rarely have a "realistic" view of what happened to them.

I do not think she was trying to upset you. You cannot know her reasons unless you ask her, although I can see how it would be a shock. Just remember she's been through a lot too... try talking to her. Good luck.

scaevola · 14/09/2012 19:15

You say that this happened to your mother when she was a child, so it is a long time ago, and (understandably) you haven't posted her confidences on how she handled it.

But even allowing for your being unable to divulge her private information, it seems to me that the name is not an important part to her (and possibly she knows others of the same name and the resonance just isn't so strong for her).

She was the victim then; do not make it hard for her now by making an issue of it.

Mayisout · 14/09/2012 19:16

My mil used to sometime just mention ex partners or wives. Eg my DH's ex (who left him) never came into our lives ever but mil would mention her on some pretext. I don't know, just stirring really. God knows why as I got on great with mil. Just some nasty side to her.
Would say your DM has a nasty side but this is very warped imo.

biddyofsuburbia · 14/09/2012 19:16

Not surprised you are upset and shocked, I would be too. It seems very perverse. If she doesn't want to discuss it I would leave it, or tell her you found it distasteful and agree that you won't talk to her about names again as she has upset you.

The good news is your baby hasn't been harmed or cursed and you will be fine and baby will be fine. Nothing she can say will harm your baby, who is precious and unique and pure and lovely.

Mayisout · 14/09/2012 19:18

and possibly she knows others of the same name and the resonance just isn't so strong for her

Even if you knew others with the same name as a family child rapist I doubt anyone in their right mind would put it forward for a new baby.

Original poster
bitshakennamechange · 14/09/2012 19:20

yes I think if she ever wants to give me a list of names again I will stop her in her tracks and say no because she suggested X's name

"and possibly she knows others of the same name and the resonance just isn't so strong for her" noone else would have the same group of NNs and variations including using two very unrelated different christian names, and she listed them all together!

OP posts:
Houseofplain · 14/09/2012 19:21

Well considering the mum was the VICTIM here, I doubt very much she was being malicious.

Probably more disassociated or not all that over it. So it may not have been an answer from someone thinking straight about the name.

Honestly op. you need to calm down. Is hysterical, your child has not been cursed, obviously there is something going on with your mum. Remember she was his victim. Not you, not your dc.

LydiasMiletus · 14/09/2012 19:21

I get its upsetting. But you are over reacting. she has not cursed or harmed your baby.
Tell her why it bothers you and move on.
Fwiw my step dad abused me, dh has the same name as step dad and I did consider naming ds the same name (after dh). I feel I have moved past my step dad and even though its the same name I don't make that connection in my mind. I didn't name ds that in the end as dh didn't want to.

Original poster
bitshakennamechange · 14/09/2012 19:22

they were one after the other on her list:
official christian name
variation of that christian name
other totally different christian name he used!

OP posts:
Original poster
bitshakennamechange · 14/09/2012 19:23

I KNOW the child isn't cursed Hmm, I FEEL like she cursed at my child!

OP posts:
Hesterton · 14/09/2012 19:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChitchatAtHome · 14/09/2012 19:25

A bit weird. Could she be trying to remove the power of the name? Taking the negative away by making it positive, IYSWIM.

Houseofplain · 14/09/2012 19:26

Well you are over reacting. Your poor mum. She was the one raped. She's the victim here.

You've gone way the top. Feeling like she's cursed your child? Give over, the poor woman is living with a traumatic experience from childhood. Which looks like she clearly isn't over.

She is the cursed on here.

StrawberryMojito · 14/09/2012 19:27

Do you think it's possible that she is trying to give the name a positive association in her mind? If the name has always brought up fear and loathing in her whenever she has heard it throughout her life, maybe she just wants to associate it with love and happiness instead. It would be a bit of a gamble though and not necessarily wise but there may be skewed logic behind it. Be gentle.

StrawberryMojito · 14/09/2012 19:28

Cross post!

LydiasMiletus · 14/09/2012 19:28

Ok, but (imo) you are over reacting to feel like that. She is the victim.
I would get your response if you were the victim. But as you are not you need to move on.
I love the meaning of dhs name and would have loved my ds to be called it. Just because one disgusting human being has the name doesn't mean its an awful name.
As it is ds is named after my favourite historical figure so I am happy anyway.

Original poster
bitshakennamechange · 14/09/2012 19:29

she CONTINUED to list them despite my very obvious horror though! so I wont be making allowances if she wants to regurgitate the list to me again I'm afraid! absolutely not I don't want to hear it!

OP posts:
scaevola · 14/09/2012 19:30

"Even if you knew others with the same name as a family child rapist I doubt anyone in their right mind would put it forward for a new baby"

She was the victim remember. Accusing her of being out if her right mind just because she happens to like a name, aside from it being held by that man, is likely to be unhelpful.

Original poster
bitshakennamechange · 14/09/2012 19:31

if it was just one of the names alone, fine, they each on their own are fairly main stream names, but all variations HE USED one after another....

OP posts:
Yorkpud · 14/09/2012 19:32

Maybe she is trying to make sure you don't use the name by kind of checking all names linked are not on your list but didn't want to say outright that you are not to use those names.

StrawberryMojito · 14/09/2012 19:32

You won't be making allowances for your mother who was raped? Nice.

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